HRTN Opening Day Special

The scene: Out front of the DFO clubhouse. DFO prospect Cookiethulhu is busy sweeping up the street when Beerguyrob comes out of the clubhouse with a six-pack of beer.

Cookiethulhu: I think that’s it, sir. The street looks quite orderly now, I must say.

Beerguyrob (motioning Cookiethulhu over): Good job, kid. I’ve gotta say, you’re one of the best prospects we’ve ever had. Here, grab a brewski.

Cookiethulhu (accepting a beer): Oh, I say! Jolly good, sir! I do have to ask, though…all the cleaning you’ve had me doing…

Beerguyrob: You wanna know why, eh?

Cookiethulhu: If it’s not too much trouble, sir.

Beerguyrob takes a yuuuge swig of beer, then sits down on the clubhouse steps.

Beerguyrob: I’ll tell you kid, it’s because this is the day.

Cookiethulhu: Sir…?

Beerguyrob: This is the day it starts, kid.

Cookiethulhu: Football, sir?

Beerguyrob: Yup. Foobaw. It’s what brought us all together in the first place. It’s the tie that binds.

Cookiethulhu: But raking all the leaves, sweeping up the street…

Beerguyrob: That’s because it’s gotta be perfect, kid. Everyone’s gonna be here today. No matter what they’re doing, no matter where they are, they’re gonna find their way back here for the opening game.

As if in response to Beerguyrob, a massive vintage car on balding tires come tearing down the road. It comes sliding to a stop in front of the clubhouse, tires squealing. The interior is thick with smoke.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Ballsofsteelandfury (staggering out of the car, smoke wafting out behind him): Woo! Did we hotbox that last twenty miles or what?

Future Moose (getting out of the driver’s side): I told you we could do it. It just takes a measured application of your cognitive abilities and…hey, is anyone else hungry?

OSZ (getting out of the back seat): Famished.

Low Commander: I could eat a whole seal.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Totally, man! Like, we ran out of SPONCH! yesterday. Hey, Rob! Meet our new friend, man.

The draugr, now known as Teddy’s Bridge Over Troubled Waters thanks to a car full of weed and a limited choice of radio stations, stumbles out of the car.

Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Grgh.

Beerguyrob (opening another beer and handing it to Teddy): Nice to meetcha, pal. There’s food inside, guys. We went all out this year.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Righteous, dude! I’ve got, like, wicked munchies, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting double finger guns): Did you get the donuts, Rob?

Beerguyrob (nodding): Diggler’s. Triple-dipped.

OSZ: Triple??? Holy cow, guys…make way!

The DFOers rush into the clubhouse. From inside, the pounding beats of Andrew W.K. can be heard.

King Hippo: Hey, this place is great!

Yeah Right: What did I tell you? And wait until you see the arcade room. We even have Tempest!

The two head into the clubhouse.

Doktor Zymm (yelling to the pilot as she climbs down): Take ze helicopter und gaz it up, Steve. Und check on ze mizzile launchers…zey vere a bit zticky ven ve opened fire on zose zeagulls.

Steve the Ninja (piloting the helicopter): Roger, Doc!

Doktor Zymm drops off of the ladder and the helicopter zooms off.

Doktor Zymm: Guten tag, Beerguyrob. Cookiethulhu…it ist gut to zee you again.

Beerguyrob: You guys know each other?

Cookiethulhu: Well…

Flashback to: A very young Zymm, a yuuuge pile of cookie boxes next to her, knocking on the door of a house. A man opens the door.

Man: Well, what can I do for you, young lady?

Young Zymm: Meine freund ist zick. I am zelling her cookies for her. Buy zem. Bitte.

Man (getting out his wallet): Well, certainly! I’ll take a box of…

Young Zymm: Nein. I have das Projekt to get back to, und if it zets too long it may ausbrechen. Buy zem all. Bitte.

Man (getting annoyed): Now see here, young lady…

Young Zymm (rolling her eyes): Fine. Have it your vay.

Zymm whistles, and Cookiethulhu comes bounding out of the bushes. He grabs the man by both shoulders and shakes him violently.

Cookiethulhu: GRAW! BUY COOKIES! RAR!

Man (being shaken): I-I-I’ll t-t-take them a-a-all!

Cut to: The present day DFO clubhouse again.

Cookiethulhu: I say, we did rather well as a team! We sold over two thousand boxes of cookies that day.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, although you did go a bit overboard.

Cookiethulhu: He didn’t want the Thin Mints! I mean, really.

Doktor Zymm goes inside the clubhouse.

Cookiethulhu: I say, should we go in as well?

Beerguyrob: Not yet…

A booming sound fills the air. Cookiethulhu and Beerguyrob look up and see Doktor Zymm’s RV rocketing down towards the clubhouse, Covalent Blonde at the wheel. The RV is red-hot from re-entering the atmosphere, and a damaged satellite is hanging off the passenger-side mirror.

Cookiethulhu: Stone the crows!

The RV hits the street, bounces once, then hits again and spins around twice before coming to a screeching, smoking stop in front of the clubhouse. All is silent for a moment, then the doors fly open.

Horatio Cornblower (riding on Moosemas Gorilla’s shoulder): The next time we decide to go into space…remind me to not go into space.

Covalent Blonde (jumping out of the RV): Are you kidding? That was great!

Otto’s Brain (dropping out of the RV): I could’ve done without playing chicken with that Russian space station.

Pirate Sloth (joining them): Aye, we may have caused a wee bit of an international incident.

Covalent Blonde: What? They moved, didn’t they? Look, we were in a hurry. Did you want to make it back in time for the game or not?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: You’re taking her side? We sideswiped an asteroid!

Covalent Blonde sticks out her tongue at Horatio as she goes into the clubhouse. He sticks his teeny-tiny tongue out at her as Moosemas Gorilla lumbers inside.

Pirate Sloth (picking up Otto’s Brain and going into the clubhouse): Yar, ’tis good to be home.

Cookiethulhu (to Beerguyrob): Should we go in, too?

Beerguyrob (opening another beer): Not quite yet. Hold on a sec.

Beerguyrob drains the beer and the two wait, listening to the music blaring out from the clubhouse. Then, over the music, a loud buzzing can be heard. It gets louder and louder, until Brocky comes zipping down the street on a motorized skateboard. He’s dressed only in a “Sexy Devil” novelty apron and mismatched Reboks.

Cookiethulhu: Goodness!

Brocky (jumping off the skateboard): Hey, guys! I’m not late, am I?

Beerguyrob: Nah, you’re right on time.

Brocky (bending over to pick up the skateboard, making Cookiethulhu wince): Woo!!! You guys would not believe what I went through to get here…

Beerguyrob (giving Brocky a beer): You can tell us about it inside…yer gonna catch a cold if we stay out here.

Brocky (accepting the beer): Hey, thanks! You know, I’ve got a good feeling about this season…

Beerguyrob (as they all go inside): Everyone does…right up until that first kick-off…

To be continued…