HRTN Opening Day Special

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: Out front of the DFO clubhouse. DFO prospect Cookiethulhu is busy sweeping up the street when Beerguyrob comes out of the clubhouse with a six-pack of beer.

Cookiethulhu: I think that’s it, sir. The street looks quite orderly now, I must say.

Beerguyrob (motioning Cookiethulhu over): Good job, kid. I’ve gotta say, you’re one of the best prospects we’ve ever had. Here, grab a brewski.

Cookiethulhu (accepting a beer): Oh, I say! Jolly good, sir! I do have to ask, though…all the cleaning you’ve had me doing…

Beerguyrob: You wanna know why, eh?

Cookiethulhu: If it’s not too much trouble, sir.

Beerguyrob takes a yuuuge swig of beer, then sits down on the clubhouse steps.

Beerguyrob: I’ll tell you kid, it’s because this is the day.

Cookiethulhu: Sir…?

Beerguyrob: This is the day it starts, kid.

Cookiethulhu: Football, sir?

Beerguyrob: Yup. Foobaw. It’s what brought us all together in the first place. It’s the tie that binds.

Cookiethulhu: But raking all the leaves, sweeping up the street…

Beerguyrob: That’s because it’s gotta be perfect, kid. Everyone’s gonna be here today. No matter what they’re doing, no matter where they are, they’re gonna find their way back here for the opening game.

As if in response to Beerguyrob, a massive vintage car on balding tires come tearing down the road. It comes sliding to a stop in front of the clubhouse, tires squealing. The interior is thick with smoke.


Ballsofsteelandfury (staggering out of the car, smoke wafting out behind him): Woo! Did we hotbox that last twenty miles or what?

Future Moose (getting out of the driver’s side): I told you we could do it. It just takes a measured application of your cognitive abilities and…hey, is anyone else hungry?

OSZ (getting out of the back seat): Famished.

Low Commander: I could eat a whole seal.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Totally, man! Like, we ran out of SPONCH! yesterday. Hey, Rob! Meet our new friend, man.

The draugr, now known as Teddy’s Bridge Over Troubled Waters thanks to a car full of weed and a limited choice of radio stations, stumbles out of the car.

Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Grgh.

Beerguyrob (opening another beer and handing it to Teddy): Nice to meetcha, pal. There’s food inside, guys. We went all out this year.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Righteous, dude! I’ve got, like, wicked munchies, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting double finger guns): Did you get the donuts, Rob?

Beerguyrob (nodding): Diggler’s. Triple-dipped.

OSZ: Triple??? Holy cow, guys…make way!

The DFOers rush into the clubhouse. From inside, the pounding beats of Andrew W.K. can be heard.

A black helicopter appears overhead and descends toward the clubhouse. A rope ladder drops from the open door and King Hippo climbs down, followed by Yeah Right.

King Hippo: Hey, this place is great!

Yeah Right: What did I tell you? And wait until you see the arcade room. We even have Tempest!

The two head into the clubhouse.

Doktor Zymm (yelling to the pilot as she climbs down): Take ze helicopter und gaz it up, Steve. Und check on ze mizzile launchers…zey vere a bit zticky ven ve opened fire on zose zeagulls.

Steve the Ninja (piloting the helicopter): Roger, Doc!

Doktor Zymm drops off of the ladder and the helicopter zooms off.

Doktor Zymm: Guten tag, Beerguyrob. Cookiethulhu…it ist gut to zee you again.

Beerguyrob: You guys know each other?

Cookiethulhu: Well…

Flashback to: A very young Zymm, a yuuuge pile of cookie boxes next to her, knocking on the door of a house. A man opens the door.

Man: Well, what can I do for you, young lady?

Young Zymm: Meine freund ist zick. I am zelling her cookies for her. Buy zem. Bitte.

Man (getting out his wallet): Well, certainly! I’ll take a box of…

Young Zymm: Nein. I have das Projekt to get back to, und if it zets too long it may ausbrechen. Buy zem all. Bitte.

Man (getting annoyed): Now see here, young lady…

Young Zymm (rolling her eyes): Fine. Have it your vay.

Zymm whistles, and Cookiethulhu comes bounding out of the bushes. He grabs the man by both shoulders and shakes him violently.

Cookiethulhu: GRAW! BUY COOKIES! RAR!

Man (being shaken): I-I-I’ll t-t-take them a-a-all!

Cut to: The present day DFO clubhouse again.

Cookiethulhu: I say, we did rather well as a team! We sold over two thousand boxes of cookies that day.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, although you did go a bit overboard.

Cookiethulhu: He didn’t want the Thin Mints! I mean, really.

Doktor Zymm goes inside the clubhouse.

Cookiethulhu: I say, should we go in as well?

Beerguyrob: Not yet…

A booming sound fills the air. Cookiethulhu and Beerguyrob look up and see Doktor Zymm’s RV rocketing down towards the clubhouse, Covalent Blonde at the wheel. The RV is red-hot from re-entering the atmosphere, and a damaged satellite is hanging off the passenger-side mirror.

Cookiethulhu: Stone the crows!

The RV hits the street, bounces once, then hits again and spins around twice before coming to a screeching, smoking stop in front of the clubhouse. All is silent for a moment, then the doors fly open.

Horatio Cornblower (riding on Moosemas Gorilla’s shoulder): The next time we decide to go into space…remind me to not go into space.

Covalent Blonde (jumping out of the RV): Are you kidding? That was great!

Otto’s Brain (dropping out of the RV): I could’ve done without playing chicken with that Russian space station.

Pirate Sloth (joining them): Aye, we may have caused a wee bit of an international incident.

Covalent Blonde: What? They moved, didn’t they? Look, we were in a hurry. Did you want to make it back in time for the game or not?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: You’re taking her side? We sideswiped an asteroid!

Covalent Blonde sticks out her tongue at Horatio as she goes into the clubhouse. He sticks his teeny-tiny tongue out at her as Moosemas Gorilla lumbers inside.

Pirate Sloth (picking up Otto’s Brain and going into the clubhouse): Yar, ’tis good to be home.

Cookiethulhu (to Beerguyrob): Should we go in, too?

Beerguyrob (opening another beer): Not quite yet. Hold on a sec.

Beerguyrob drains the beer and the two wait, listening to the music blaring out from the clubhouse. Then, over the music, a loud buzzing can be heard. It gets louder and louder, until Brocky comes zipping down the street on a motorized skateboard. He’s dressed only in a “Sexy Devil” novelty apron and mismatched Reboks.

HRTN Apron

Cookiethulhu: Goodness!

Brocky (jumping off the skateboard): Hey, guys! I’m not late, am I?

Beerguyrob: Nah, you’re right on time.

Brocky (bending over to pick up the skateboard, making Cookiethulhu wince): Woo!!! You guys would not believe what I went through to get here…

Beerguyrob (giving Brocky a beer): You can tell us about it inside…yer gonna catch a cold if we stay out here.

Brocky (accepting the beer): Hey, thanks! You know, I’ve got a good feeling about this season…

Beerguyrob (as they all go inside): Everyone does…right up until that first kick-off…

To be continued…


Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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mismatched Reboks.

Hey now, they’re not mismatched, I just ran over some recently painted asphalt while running from the cops. Some indecent exposure or some nonsense


Awww. I was hoping I’d come back from the fourth grade as some sort of weird psychic simian.




I know I am an Iggles fan but every time I see Ron Jaworski I want to throw my TV off the balcony. Fucking guy is just the worst, any qb has upside, or coming in to his own, learning the game the right way, just gets it. FUUUCCKKKK

I believe he is the worst analyst in the game. His head is shoved so high up Goodells ass that he can taste the skyline chili from the Peter King dinner date.


“Oh, hey Peter. Fancy meeting you here!”

– Ron Jaworski, encountering Peter King

Senor Weaselo

I know nobody cares and it’s been in the news for a while, but the Mets signed Tebow baaahahahaha


Ya know, I’m really starting to consider that Tim Tebow may be an attention whore. Who knew?


Gentlemen, the few ladies in the room or lurking, soon to be Miss Cola came to me last week and stated” I am 8 weeks late” and held this plastic thing in her hand and said we are going to have a baby. I thought wow, that was quick, I stated I am excited for little Charcandcola! Apparently that is not what we are going to be naming our offspring. I have a “So, you got knocked up” class and will miss the 1st 2 hours of the game. I wish you all the best and hope to catch the 4th quarter with you all.


Charcandcola is such a regal name though. Hopefully she reconsiders.

Also, congrats!


Err, I mean, “Congratulations!”

Senor Weaselo

That’s great hustle! /slaps Litre on the ass, HARD

But seriously, congrats.


Great news! Let’s just remember it’s football first.


Congratulations! Another AFL fan!


Peter King weeps (until his friend, NFL Hall of Famer Tony Dungy gives him another set).


Friends, countrymen, Seamus–I’m about to get on a frontier airlines flight that I am almost certain will not have wifi. Pray that I land quickly and safely and with enough time to zoom from the airport to the bar in order to see as much FOOBAW as possible tonight. What I miss in early commenting I wil make up for with low quality second half commenting. That is my solemn promise to you all.


Godspeed to you, shitmonkey.

Senor Weaselo

Better Frontier than Spirit. Better anything than Spirit.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Oh my goodness, Beast Mode, you’re a regular Quentin Crisp!

I don’t drink coffee, I’ll take Gatorade my dear.


I just saw a guy who went full Kuechly on Denver’s 16th Street Mall today. Kuechly hat, Kuechly jersey, Panthers pants and . . . black and teal shoes.

So much Kuechly.

Also, this article title is great.

I have nothing else to contribute. Go football!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did Sir Purr ask you for change?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I tell you; while Future Moose is mostly machine, good THC still make me HIGH AS FUCKING HELL. WHAT’S FOR FUCKING LUNCH?


This is beautiful

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Don’t bother to argue, it’s SCIENCE


I for one am glad to return to my troglodyte habits.

I spent last night at a bar with 4 lesbians, a bisexual woman, and a gay guy. /Insert non-dick joke here.

And I was watching baseball, on 4 TV screeens.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Well, you could insert just one joke there.


One day, I will marry Elle King. She is incredible.


Does that mean your hot angry wife will be up for reassignment? Hmmmmm…..
(you keep the spawn and we’ve got a deal)


Seriously. This was perfect.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mrs. Fozz this morning: “What do you want to do tonight for dinner?”
Me: “Drink.”
My son: “Could we also get pizza?”
Other son: “I’ll be hungry after practice.”
Mrs Fozz: “We can eat before the game starts.”
Me: “Not happening. This is my Christmas morning.”

For a second, I felt like a bad father. Then I remembered that I drove this horde of people to North Carolina and back, so they all fucking owe me.


Mrs Fozz sounds hot.

Just sayin’.


She has blue eyes and kind of blonde hair, nice legs. She is hard headed and stubborn and has ADD. She has given birth to three of the most unbelievable people I have ever known. So yeah, she’s hot. At least in my book.

However, when the hormones start a-flowin’, she transforms into a hurricane that throws off razor sharp knives and nuclear hand grenades.


Now she sounds even hotter.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She’s a mean and angry pegger, so yeah.


Great, now my DFO Insider Radio post this afternoon is going to look like Melania to HR2N’s Michelle.

/fine work, of course.


Have you seen HR2N’s arms!?

Horatio Cornblower

Everyone has a good feeling about this season until the first kick-off.

Unless you’re a Cowboys fan, in which case that good feeling went away during the first preseason game.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’d say Viking fans have already reached Week 7 or 8 nihilism.


Sam Bradford!

Shit, you’re right.

Enrico Pallazzo

A real BeerGuy brings more than a sixer IMO.


Dok’s pretty firm on the inventory control.

Drunk Gazelle
Drunk Gazelle

Tempest?!? Geddy Lee Approves!


So completely perfect. I intentionally waited until now to post this.


Rapey McGreyPenis

Yes, this is my new favorite thing. Expect to hear this ad nauseum for the next six months.


Rapey McGreyPenis is the new Drumpf.


Interestingly enough, that’s how I generally picture Brocky normally.


I know opening kickoff brings us together, but it has to be said: fuck Thin Mints



Don T

comment image


This has been giving to us since the old place.

Covalent Blonde

Any time someone is wearing a “sexy devil” apron, a part of you shoul know that shit’s about to get real.


Isn’t that sorta the point of a sexy devil apron in the first place?

Drunk Gazelle
Drunk Gazelle

I’m picturing an apron that reads, “Ass, Gas, or Grass; no one eats for free,” and just giggling.

Doktor Zymm

Mmm, fine post dinner reading. You know, the next year they stopped letting us go door to door to sell cookies? I can’t imagine why…


Story of my life. Wanna, coulda, shoulda… life gets in the way. Yinz all enjoy the start to the season.