Your Monday Night Football Double-Header Open Thread

[feels a bit icky making a baseball-related reference]

Damn, I like this 7:10 (eastern) starting time. Sometimes my extraordinarily strict post-work beer, scotch, cider, wine and martini regimen catches up to me and the world starts spinning and the games (yes, the games) lose their focus and I have to find out the score the following morning. This way I’m guaranteed to be coherent all the way into the third quarter of the first tilt. Enough about me-TO THE GAMES!

Steelers/Redacted’s-I feel as though Pittsburgh without the services of rb Bell and wr’s Bryant and Wheaton is a team playing with one arm tied behind their back but it won’t make much difference in the end. I think it has a lot to do with not being able to judge the prospects of Washington objectively because Dan Snyder has come to be the embodiment of a number of shitbags I deal with in my work setting. [takes a deep breath] Everyone is yakking about the Norman/Brown showdown but doesn’t the former play just one half of the field? I’m sure Brown will get moved around a bit and they will cross paths but I think it’s cb Breeland (with help from Hall?) that does the heavy lifting. It’ll be a tiny bit interesting to see who among Coates, Heyward-Bey and Rogers gets the majority of catches. Cousins’ pursuit of a long-term deal would benefit from a home win here.

Rams/Niners-As hc Kelly prepares for the game Jim Tomsula (“we hardly knew ya”) prepares for the coming hobopocalypse. A wasteland of discarded bindles and can-openers awaits mankind-he’ll be the first to tell you! STAY AWAY FROM THE SWITCHYARDS, PEOPLE! The game? Gurley runs roughshod on the Niners and qb’s Keenum(what?) and Gabbert(who?) try their damnedest to keep their combined giveaways below 7. Fantasy-wise, if Hyde goes for 35+ I may just squeak out a not-earned victory.

There she be. Now…LET’S WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THIS!

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Doktor Zymm

BREELAND!
It might actually be fun to watch the Skins this year. That hasn’t happened for a while!

...

We can call them the Funskins!

King Hippo

NO CHOCO TACO FOR ELI

JustStopDude

BIG BEN MAKE BOO BOO! BIG BEN SAD..

...

HARF HARF

Sharkbait

HARFCEPTION

ThursdaySkyGoddess

FUCK.

WCS

BOSS TODD has never drawn up a 2-yard gain from the shotgun that he didn’t love.

Sill Bimmons

goddammit sammie

King Hippo

4 DeAngeloDOWNs would be super!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Howcum other teams have cheerwimmins? The Ben tried to bring one of his own, but coach let her out of bag. She ran faster than Bus when The Ben asked him to hide The Ben’s bottle of sleepy gas.”

Sill Bimmons

oh yeah eli

Glorious Chairman Dan

Hope our D does better than Kirk on that last drive…

Doktor Zymm

Looking forward to seeing the CBs in real action

Glorious Chairman Dan

Hopefully that last play was a fluke 😛

Glorious Chairman Dan

And… it was!

litre_cola

Just remembered who is announcing the next game. Jesus when will that fat bastard retire to a life full of percocets and bourbon.

John Difool

But enough about me….

Sill Bimmons

Scuttlebutt is that this will be his last season.

http://img.pandawhale.com/post-50546-pretty-please-gif-Imgur-Tumblr-SgbJ.gif

Sill Bimmons

Cousins doing his best McNabb impersonation…

comment image

JustStopDude
Sill Bimmons

Damn. Shazier is fucking QUICK

Doktor Zymm

Christ. Which receiver is gonna get concussed first with Cousins throwing at their damn ankles?

Duchess

Was that a well-documented blitz or an undocumented blitz taking hard paying jobs from the documented blitzes?

WCS

#MAGA

Sill Bimmons

Depends on whether or not the TPP gets passed.

John Difool

[*Redacted] s Three Rivers Stadium looks awesome.

hippofant

Redslurs fighting already on the sidelines? Never change, NFL!

Sharkbait

Also no Stone Cold Lock of the Century this season? I am disappoint.

...

I’m actually watching football over Baseball Bears because they’re playing that goddamn awful batch of bastards from St. Louis and I hate them so much I can’t even process the possibility they could win over my team.

On the plus side, this way I can pester the Dok when her team ends up looking as bad as the FedEx Field turf.

Doktor Zymm

I have Jordan Reed and DJax on my fantasy team. So far they are doing very well.

...

Uh oh. A homer fantasy team? That’s how you lose leagues.

Doktor Zymm

They were best available. Jordan Reed is a beast in fantasy, and Djax is a #1 receiver.

Sill Bimmons

Now that the Bucs have died and gone away I’m completely on board with teh Dirt Bears.

Joe Maddon has done Lafayette proud.

...

Yessss. Join us.

JustStopDude

Just gonna put this out there…new bald guy has not said anything I find annoying.

This is promising. Now if they just got rid of Gruden…

King Hippo

always been a good JV announcer

Col. Duke LaCross

“Spelled different because we don’t know how to spell.”

Sill Bimmons

YA BETTA FUCKING TACKLE SOMEBODAAAAAAAAAAY

WCS

YOU MISS A TACKLE AND YOU MISS A TACKLE AND YOU MISS A TACKLE

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Jordan Reed was a fabulous draft pick.

WCS

HEY YINZ GUYS ITS STILLERS SEASON AGIN N’AT

Sill Bimmons

fuuu

John Difool

HARF HARF

Sill Bimmons
litre_cola

Looks like I won in DFO2. Do I know how? No, no I do not.

Sill Bimmons

Get used to it.

Unsurprised

Don’t ask any questions
— Every NFL lawyer

Sill Bimmons

The not knowing, I mean.

Sharkbait

Do I even have a shot with Matt Jones?

/looks, currently at -4 yards.

Well shit.

Sill Bimmons

You always have a shot in the insanity league.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mag77ojMNW1qmyojbo12_500.gif

Glorious Chairman Dan

The resolute forces of the Chairman will crush the insurgent steelworkers. The East is Red(skins)!

Unsurprised

Not watching the games because I need to go buy some furniture with the brother, whose nickname should be something clever but I forgot the one I had before. Seen It All or something.

Anyway, rock on. Fuck the Slurs.

John Difool

“Now This Is How You Sing The National Anthem!”

-Clara Bow

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Mandatory jingosim and obedience to the militarized police state: ON

JustStopDude

Wow…those are a LOT of covered seats.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Not for long…”

-Da Ben

Duchess

Yup the removed the majority of the top rows and the middle rows on the endzone. In total they removed 6k worth of seats.

John Difool

Charles Woodson looks like he trying to channel John Barrymore. He should start wearing a red satin smoking jacket on air to go with that strange tie or kerchief or whatever the fuck it is.

JustStopDude

Its amazing how redneck the nation’s capital and surrounding suburbs get whenever the foreskins play.

Unsurprised

It truly is the South, but without any of the charm.

JustStopDude

Doesn’t have a regional form of Barbecue. Not part of south.

Just like Florida.

Unsurprised

Half-smokes are bbq.

/runs

Duchess

Actually my friends would say “If they don’t serve sweet tea it ain’t the south”

JustStopDude

[*Redacted] conspiracy theory.

It makes zero sense why Snyder does not want to change the name of the team as it means all the rubes have to buy new expensive gear. Unless…

He wants a new stadium and wants to set the record in getting a dumb ass city to pay for it. DC won’t do it. MD and VA have both dropped hints they are not interested in a stadium deal.

So Snyder keeps the name controversy going, hoping that enough pressure gets the NFL to try and force him to change it. He comes back with the “I want the first $3 billion stadium and I need you to help me get someone to pay for it” argument.

Sharkbait

I just assumed Dan Snyder is a cunt. Not sure if he’s that much of a conniving cunt. Just regular cunt.

Unsurprised

Everything else he’s done suggests he’s a dumb cunt. I know he got wealthy being a criminal cunt, but he wasn’t particularly smart or clever about it.

Duchess

There have been rumors he’s been trying to get the RFK stadium land and trying to use the name as leverage.

Sharkbait

Come on Gruden. Any one of us here could QB the Slurs to the division title last year.

Sill Bimmons

Just ask the 2nd place, 7–9 Giants.

litre_cola

Hello interweb friends. How are we all this evening?

Sill Bimmons

Nervous as fuck about the secondary.

Col. Duke LaCross

Nice tarps.

hippofant

Ahaha. “I got him in the fifth round!”

Sharkbait

Jesus fuck I forgot how much the “c’mon man!” segment annoys the shit out of me

Col. Duke LaCross

Football all-nighter? FOOTBALL ALL-NIGHTER!

Kungjitsu

Blaine Gabbert vs. Case Keenum! FUCK YEAH!

King Hippo

must see teevee, u know it!!!

Sill Bimmons

Sounds like the participants in the opening faceoff between Brown and UNC in the NCAA lacrosse final.

Beerguyrob

It’s the BLAND-POCALYPSE!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Not having Pinkie Wheaton in the lineup is addition by subtraction.

This just means moar Eli Rogers, who I intentionally left out of my half-assed Stillers preview so he would remain as obscure as possible going into the insanity league drafts.

I got him in both leagues and he’s going to do for me as an unknown rookie what My Main Man Martavis did for me as a unknown rookie.

http://www.ribbonsgalore.com/images/ribbons/titles/SBR_Peaked_Participant_green300.jpg

John Difool

Randy Moss and Billy Bob Thornton should do a movie together. They’re practically separated at birth.

Maybe a later in life The Parent Trap movie or something.

King Hippo

True Detective, Season 4. MAKE IT HAPPEN, HBO!!!

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

Spanky Datass

sup
you bring your can opener?
http://thetebbys.com/proimages/ProductID/990/1199/1702.jpg
i have extras

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have zero interest in either of these games.

/ will watch every second of both

King Hippo

THIS GUY gets it!!

King Hippo

Hey, I am enjoying the FUCK out of British Monday Night Footy. Belgian Badass Romelu Lukaku has three goals (and counting) as my beloved Everton are humiliating former manager David Moyes AGAIN (he was 0-2 as manager of Manure, even).

John Difool

As a [*Redacted] s fan why does the winter of my discontent always start in late summer?

Fuck it, I’m going deep…… into the alcohol.

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