Your Early Afternoon Slate Of NFL Games Open Thread

You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!

Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.

Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.

Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.

Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.

Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.

SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.

Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of  AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.

KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite  stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.

Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!

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litre_cola

The Kessler era begins in Cl;eveland

Spur

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His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Do you guys think these mobile games spend more on marketing and advertising than creating the game?

Old School Zero

Oh, definitely. Free-to-play games are all about sucking people in with false promises, and then either limiting success/play time that can be solved by purchasing things, or creating a sense of anxiety that can be solved by purchasing things. I liken them more to slot machines/video poker style designs, but without the potential actual cash payout.

Sill Bimmons
Senor Weaselo

If you told me it was 0-0 in Saints-Giants I would ask “Okay, what about the tens digit?”

IronAvenger6491

I’m all for going for it on 4th down, but i probably would of went with the field goal there.

Gratliff

Is that the first ever 2 point conversion return?

Redshirt

2nd

Col. Duke LaCross

Glad I bet the under in that Cleveland V. Baltimore game. What else can I do that’s wrong?

ThursdaySkyGoddess

OMG, Browns what?? MOAR SAFETY!

Horatio Cornblower

Ben McAdoo going for the TD on 4th and 2? And I thought Coughlin was full of piss and vinegar!!

Spur

Finally the Cowboys finish a drive with a TD.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Holy shit Cleveland.

Spur

Wait, WHAT? 3 TDs?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh the derp is there too.

Horatio Cornblower

Another river on fire?

Brocky

I added the Ravens defense this morning in two of my leagues.

And I sat Cromwell in those 2 same ones.

Fuck you fantasy gods

Shogun Marcus

50/50 balls hee…izzat the odds when diving in with a tranny?

Doktor Zymm

Has Cam been replaced by a Pod Person?

Redshirt

Weekly “What the Hell is a Catch” Conference in Pittsburgh.

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John Difool

BASHAUD BLEERGHLAND

Spanky Datass

Dak Prescott : Poise Boy
(A John Lynch Film)
In theaters this Christmas.

King Hippo

I could have used a 1-yard DeAngeloDOWN, you fucking dickhole.

Spur

Dak’s play action rollouts have been dirty

King Hippo

“calm” is the closest any announcer can get to calling Dak smart.

Glorious Chairman Dan

[*Redacted] s learn to defend… ugh

fleshwound_NPG
Doktor Zymm

Is it too early to start drinking to the death of a team’s season?

litre_cola

At least you have fantasy. I am getting murdered again. Why do I bother.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Browns are leading, how will this end miserably for them this week?

Redshirt

Blowout out Browns wins negated when the football breaks to reveal the Browns have corked the football. The Brown lose by forfeit, 2-0.

King Hippo

Romo is sooooooo high, you guys…

Gratliff

Ginn Gon’ Ginn

fleshwound_NPG

HARFCANNON

IronAvenger6491

I turn on the NO/NYG game to see a dead Saint, what happened?

Horatio Cornblower

Kneed in the head making a tackle, then one of his teammates kneed him in the back of the head while diving in to finish the tackle.

IronAvenger6491

Jesus, what a clusterfuck.

King Hippo

somebody is losing Heap Big Wompom this September ,, no ofence

Claymaker

Man P.J. Williams is in a scary situation. Got hit in the head twice on same tackle and multiple guys got up yelling for the sidelines.

Gratliff

Glad I switched my survivor pick from the Ravens right before kickoff.

Horatio Cornblower

Well one of the Saints has just become one in a literal sense. I look forward to another empty statement from the NFL about safety concerns.

Senor Weaselo

That includes thoughts and prayers naturally.

Horatio Cornblower

But no money or admissions of liability.

Bortleback

Wes Welker has forgotten who he is, and is going around wearing a Tom Brady mask…….

litre_cola

MDMA is a hell of a drug.

Sharkbait

BENNETTDOWN

fleshwound_NPG

drinking term for CIN/PIT: “wet balls”

Glorious Chairman Dan

kirk, you fired the photon torpedoes too hard damnit

Doktor Zymm

Goddamn it Kirk, don’t make me bust you down to ensign!

Old School Zero

So he’s Crusher-ing it?

King Hippo

wait, are THE LIONS gonna be the fun team nobody saw coming??

ThursdaySkyGoddess

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Doktor Zymm

Whaaaa?

Col. Duke LaCross

Decade of the safety.

Bortleback

Ted Ginn’s haircut is like something out of the 90s

Gratliff

Dolphins are gonna get fucking murked.

King Hippo

wow, and Ginn makes THAT catch!! He’s awesome on the tough ones…

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Ted Ginn did a good?down

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Pacman gonna drank, oh yes he gonna drank, bullee dat.

Horatio Cornblower

Mike Zimmer is in constant contact with Bill Parcells you guys.

“For the last time Mike, Jeff Hostetler is too old to come back and play QB for you!! How did you get this number anyway?”

Redshirt

Jeff George might still be looking for a job.

Doktor Zymm

FEED THE DJAX

fleshwound_NPG

O HE GON RUIN FIELD POSITION BENGALS COULD HAD WIT DAT PICK, BELIEEEEE DAT CHUH CHUH

Redshirt

Pacman you dumbass! It was fourth down!

Sharkbait
King Hippo

u think Pacman ain’t gon’ shine??

Spanky Datass

WOOT WOOT!

fleshwound_NPG

I think it’s raining in Pittsburgh, you guys.

Redshirt

That’s the tears of Bengals fans. The repressed memories are surfacing and they are finally confronting their feelings of January’s game.

Redshirt

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(seeing Pacman running towards DeAngelo Williams after the whistle)

Col. Duke LaCross

THIS CHIEFS VS TEXANS MATCHUP I CALL A GUY’S FIRST DATE IN DAD’S CADILLAC. EVERYONE IS FUMBLING WITH THEIR BALLS IN AN ATTEMPT TO SCORE.