Your Early Afternoon Slate Of NFL Games Open Thread

You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!

Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.

Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.

Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.

Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.

Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.

SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.

Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of  AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.

KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite  stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.

Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!

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John Difool

Putting too much arm on a throw to D-Jax is almost like giving Jenna Jameson too much Dick.

litre_cola

Anyone else feel the disturbance that the derp is especially strong today?

King Hippo

hahahahahahahahahaha Cousins

Old School Zero

Dear Chicago:

Didja see that?

–Greg Olsen

Glorious Chairman Dan

why didn’t i believe people when they said kirk was going to regress fuck

Spur

My stomach dropped when I saw Jackson streaking down the field.

Morelli seems thrilled to be there.

IronAvenger6491

“Somebody has to score”

NO/NYG – “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!”

Sill Bimmons
fleshwound_NPG

all the frags against bungles

Spur

“Everyone was holding, I can’t remember all the numbers.”

Doktor Zymm

Were they KUNG FU holding?

Redshirt

Bengals just had three holding penalties on one punt.

King Hippo

are you sure you aren’t the Jets?

Redshirt

70% sure

Sharkbait

Almost a repeat:
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Sill Bimmons

ALL TEH WR FUMBRES

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Salsa dance now dipshitter.

Redshirt

Big Ben was just hugged for a sack.

litre_cola

What is a catch again?

Doktor Zymm

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Old School Zero
Redshirt

Whatever the Ouija Board says.

King Hippo

HOLY FUCK I WAS SURE THAT TIME

Doktor Zymm

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Doktor Zymm

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IronAvenger6491

GODDAMMIT CRUZ!!!

King Hippo

the crowd shots in YOOOOOOUUUUSTON are fucking horrifying.

IronAvenger6491

I hope someone tells Eli that he has more than Odell to throw to now that Cruz is back.

Redshirt

Referee: “We will control the game.”

Current count of plays that should’ve been flagged: 3

Sharkbait

Player Safety is no joke!

–NFL HQ

IronAvenger6491

Williams has a concussion, but can move his hands and toes.

Sill Bimmons

Williams who?

King Hippo

PLEAAAAAZZZZ don’t be DeAngelo

/am horrible for instantly thinking of fantasy

IronAvenger6491

I really wish my stream would stop freezing..

Old School Zero

Could be a prostate issue.

Shogun Marcus

Think that’s when it kinda drips and spurts.

herodotus450

With all the pegging talk around here you wouldn’t think that’d be a problem

IronAvenger6491

At least it’s not burning, amirite?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Guys, guys, did you just see Heyward-Bey drop it? I thought I’d point that out cause it’s something you don’t see every day, on account of them only playing one game a week.

IronAvenger6491

NO/NYG – “Last year we had a record showdown for points scored….this year…no POINTS!”

Sill Bimmons

THATS CONSISTENCY

Doktor Zymm

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY WE CAN SUCK

Glorious Chairman Dan

yeah burden of proof for the win

litre_cola

Pacman gunna headshot bullee dat

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna make myself a drink and order Ethiopian food! Woo! FEETSBALL!

Old School Zero

Doro Wat FTW!

Sill Bimmons

NAWT MURKAN

fleshwound_NPG

O NOE PACMAN GON DOWN GIT HURT

fleshwound_NPG

O HE GON COME BACK AND STOP A PASS BELIEEEE DAT

King Hippo

Dan Snyder is thankful he has saved so much money not signing shitty Cousins, and is now preparing to trade the bulk of the 2017 and 2018 drafts FOAR Janine Garrafalo.

Bortleback

A true Snyder move would be trading three 1st round picks for Tom Brady

Kungjitsu

I bet they hid his phone after the Super Bowl so he couldn’t sign Pey-Pey to a 6-year/$300 million contract.

John Difool

BONESDOWN

Doktor Zymm

Hooray Matt Jones? Yep! Hooray Matt Jones!

IronAvenger6491

Giants have four starting RB’s this year, unfortunately, they all suck.

Gratliff

I wasn’t sure how it was gonna play out, but starting 3 houston receivers seems like a sound strategy.

Doktor Zymm

I KNEW I should have started Fuller.

Glorious Chairman Dan

JONESDOWN

Redshirt

Oh, please let Tom Brady be Tom Brady’d out of his job!

Bortleback

If Jimmy G continues to play at this level, I’d say that the massholes start to call for Brady’s head after his first incompletion in week 5

IronAvenger6491

*Dolphins lose close game to a Super Bowl contending team*

Ah, maybe they changed..

*Getting their ass kicked by the Pats*

LOLphins.

entropy

Kinda tired of every sports outlet crowing about the perennially shitty Dolphins being a contender at the start of every seasn, and by game two they’re exposed as a joke of a team.

Col. Duke LaCross

Danny Amendola can get gonorrhea and rot in hell.

Sill Bimmons

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entropy

Am I the only person that wants to see some kind of bloodsport-style death match between every annoying-ass spokesperson on TV? The zombie corpse of spuds MacKenzie should fight the shaking, bewildered taco bell chihuahua, Flo from Geico should have to fight these Sonic assholes, the Dude from Dell squares off against the verizon/sprint asshole….

I may have put too much thought into this.

Sill Bimmons

I think MTV already did that with puppets.

Shogun Marcus

Claymation!

fleshwound_NPG

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Sill Bimmons

Would…and so would you.

Redshirt

Maybe after I sandblast all that makeup off…

Sill Bimmons

Nope.

If she came up to you in a bar looking exactly like that and she wanted to discuss Kierkegaard in the alley behind the bar you’d be out the back door dick first.

Kungjitsu

So, has Tawmmy ever been good?

Sill Bimmons

Thanks for showing up Fins!

litre_cola

QB CONTROVERSY IN BAAHHSTON?!?!?

Sharkbait

Dolphins are getting Murder-Death-Killed.

IronAvenger6491

*Fox puts up graphic of Browns logo for the [*Redacted] s*

Ah…close enough.

Spur

Totally impressed Sean Lee hasn’t hurt himself yet.

John Difool

Good to see the Dallas D is about as non-existent as ours.

Spur

This would be a perfect time for Eifert.

Col. Duke LaCross

If you are wrong on every pick of a four-leg parlay, you ought to still get some kind of prize. That’s probably as hard to do as get them all right.

entropy

You do get a prize…. an empty wallet.

King Hippo

they should at least comp you the gun and a bullet

entropy

Saints opted not to use that momentum their defense gave them after all.

IronAvenger6491

Should of went for it on 4th.

Shogun Marcus

I am paying more attention than usual to these nawt my team games since they play all four this year. Detroit is division, I know what to expect. Nawt sure who these “titans” are, nawt football tho. And skins/boys are opposites of what was expected.

Sharkbait

Factory operating at peak levels today.

Sill Bimmons

MCCOWN DOWN