Your Early Afternoon Slate Of NFL Games Open Thread

You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!

Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.

Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.

Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.

Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.

Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.

SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.

Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of  AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.

KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite  stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.

Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!

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Glorious Chairman Dan

fire the photon torpedoes, kirkdown!

ThePirateSloth

It’s almost noon, I figure it is time for me to finally get up and go about my day.

/pours coffee
//lays down on the couch

Yup. Totally going about my day here.

IronAvenger6491

Who is going to get their shit together first in this game, the Saints offense or the Saints offense?

Sill Bimmons

I’d say the Saints offense, Bob.

John Difool

TIBERIUSDOWN

Recovery Whiskey

Redacted-down

Doktor Zymm

Ethiopian food has the power to make me happy, even when I’m watching the team I support.

Sill Bimmons
Redshirt

That looks like picture of various bodily fluids.

Sill Bimmons

Grow up.

JustStopDude

Are you familiar with this website?

Oh wait…just realized who I was commenting to…

Never mind…

Doktor Zymm

I got a messob of every veggie dish they have, plus doro wot, that tomato-jalapeno salad, and some sort of walnut turnover for dessert. There’s roasted beets, which I haven’t had in Ethiopian cuisine before, yum!

IronAvenger6491

Probably should of punted there, McAdoo.

John Difool

“Wait, Vernon Davis is still alive?”

-Jeff Goldblum

trollsoharduniversity
Redshirt

I wonder what’s the Bengals’ Punter’s Kickcount? If they keep 3-and-outing, they may have to go to the bullpen.

King Hippo

Elway was always the Donks’ backup P/PK. I’d love to see the Red Rocket punt.

Sill Bimmons

Betamax was so superior to VHS it’s comical.

But that’s what happens when you went full Proprietarytard back in the day.

IronAvenger6491

I hope Shepard becomes a beast, so i can call him Commander Shepard.

Redshirt

Sorry CBS, but I didn’t need to see Big Ben’s o-face.

Lord Joe Don Looney

So, Matt Cassell should expect a call?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“But Paterno built a library!” is the modern-day “The trains ran on time under Mussolini!”

Bortleback

I’m pretty sure that Mussolini would draw the line at child rape

Sill Bimmons

He only donated $4 million over 45 years.

And did I mention that his tuition to Brown was paid for by someone who was not a family member?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yes

Duchess

Kirk Cousins went to a Christian rock music festival in VA. The tour manger went out of his way to give him all the shirts and merchandise he wanted. It was pretty much the only product they moved that night.

Lord Joe Don Looney

Just turned on the red zone. 49’ers doing good?

Covalent Blonde

I am in a similar boat… and yeah, this is pretty baffling how the Niners are getting their asses handed to them.

IronAvenger6491

So, anyone here play Overwatch?

herodotus450

Nah, still waiting for SC:Ghost.

Sill Bimmons

Niners DC looks like he’s headed to PC Principal’s bro house to crush some puss.

http://thegg.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/south-park-season-19-stunning-and-brave-header.jpg

Doktor Zymm

A splash of elderflower liqueur nicely brightens up a gin and soda. Very successful Binny’s run yesterday. Very much liking the Letherbee gin as well

laserguru

I see the Binny’s signs when I watch the Cubs play and they make me want to drink. It’s also cool that Joe Maddon does their local spots.

herodotus450

Welp, halftime, you know what that means:
http://i.imgur.com/V3n8lyX.png

herodotus450

Great, now I have to check my image links for the correct extension AND non-imgur status? What am I, a farmer?
comment image?w=960&s=f2e1067e035bbb91bf9b23bb543898a4

herodotus450

OK I give up for a while.

IronAvenger6491

Why are those motocross douches hunting down Vanguard 1’s family in that Mountain Dew commercial?

herodotus450

Did they take Tedrick Ginn’s TD away? Or is yahoo just fucking up again

Redshirt

Why is CBS calling that high school student MacGyver?

John Difool

Every time MacGyver’s in a bind, no problem he’ll just consult Reddit or 4Chan on his iPhone 7.

IronAvenger6491

I feel sad when they have Bradshaw do the game recaps, why would they do that to a stroke victim?

Old School Zero

We should do a parody of “A Christmas Carol” with Jerry Richardson where he doesn’t learn a damn thing from the ghosts and is happy to die lonely but rich.

Bortleback

Instead of ghosts, can it be the parts of his incredibly vain statue?

comment image

IronAvenger6491

This is just fantastic.

Sill Bimmons

My goal is to be statue-worthy but I really don’t think I’d be comfortable with one existing while I’m still alive.

Bortleback

If your friends are buying you a huge statue of yourself for your birthday, to put outside your stadium/headquarters/fortress of death, you’re probably a supervillain of some kind

Sill Bimmons

I actually want to end trachoma in developing nations.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trachoma

Redshirt

My heart just stopped when AJ Green slipped on the concrete. Anyone have a defribrlator?

Doktor Zymm

Are there going to be horrible concrete related injuries again this year? Dammit.

John Difool

Good ol’ sloppy AFC North games.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If the Brisket kid gets injured, Amendola is Pats’ emergency QB, right?

/starts praying

Doktor Zymm

Cousins with a lot of wobbly throws….anyone know what his grade was in Physics 101?
http://images.slideplayer.com/24/7081305/slides/slide_42.jpg

herodotus450

He spent all his time on the three body problem

Sill Bimmons

You’re thinking of Andrew Luck. He went to Stanford. He’s an architect.

Sill Bimmons

GODDAMMIT JARVIS

comment image

IronAvenger6491

Giants Defense looks really good, however, the Offense looks like one of Eli’s crayon drawings, all over the place.

No Choco Taco for Ben tonight.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I want the truth to come out that Tom Brady sabotaged Janaene Garofalo’s shoulder

herodotus450

They took the Jacoby Brisset out too early, he needs at least 24 hours to be prepared properly.

Gratliff

Patriots defense has 55 points at the half.

Doktor Zymm

Football : Vernon Davis is alive and pretty okay at it?

Bortleback

*drops pants*

Redshirt

Dre Kirkpatrick did a good?

fleshwound_NPG

HARFCEPTION 2

Doktor Zymm

Football : Kirk Cousins is not particularly good at it

Spur

That block by Thompson saved Cousins life

Doktor Zymm

Football : Jordan Reed is good at it

King Hippo

I wish one could have a knuckleball kicker. Like, that could knuckle them on purpose.

Sharkbait

Tanneception!

Duchess

Looks like The Curse of Duchess back up QB in the Insanity league strikes again.

RGIII
Garapollo
Who is next?

fleshwound_NPG

STOP GIVING KEVIN JAMES MONEY

John Difool

Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan agree.

Spur

When did Matt Jones transition into being a black running back from a white drug addict?

King Hippo

PEOPLE CHANGE, Spur. smgdh

IronAvenger6491

Even with a 3rd string QB, the Pats don’t have to worry about the Fins.

King Hippo

if that had been grounding, they’d be goal to go and out of FG range

IronAvenger6491

Giants D gonna Giants it up.

Gratliff

1st & Goal from Royal Oaks.

Moonbatting Average

BLEERGH is displeased with the Lions

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