Hey howdy there! We sure did get some exciting (and derpy!) footballing this past Sunday, did we not? BLEERGH be praised.

Remember Lawrence Taylor winning League MVP honors as a defender? Von Miller does, and says HAI. HODOR probably winced in pain just by my typing that sentence. Week 2 of Denver’s unique “no QB” system is in the books, and the Donks are 2-0, thanks to a defense that more than made up for Week 1’s meh (by their standards) showing. Aqib Talib gets the TD, but 90% of the highlights belonged to the oft-double teamed Miller, who is an absolute force of nature. Indy, on the other hand, looks to be in real trouble, despite the Charmin division.

Speaking of trouble, I expected last week’s collapse in Arrowhead to portend dooooooom for the Chargers. But Old Man Rivers and his band of retreads weren’t having any of it, as they ripped off the collective heads of the Jags and shat down the little esophageal openings. I know, in family teevee hour, right?? The AFC West is shaping up to be an interesting, and very strange footy division this season.

The other end of that Week 1 resurrection went…the opposite direction and squandered the good fortune. Kansas City took the 3 quarters of derp and said “why not make it 4?” in Houston, losing 19-12 in an indescribably derpy fixture of which RedZone only showed the silliest parts. Brock Osweiler kept the Chefs in the game, and Alex Smith politely kept the working margin in place.

Finally, we have the Raiders. They may or may not be that good (a home loss to the Falcons isn’t a great sign), but Jack Del Rio is what the announcers call “gutsy.” By that, they mean he understands maths and basic probability analysis, and is willing to apply same in a way that opens himself to media criticism by ignoramuses who only know “the book.” You have to think players feel good about playing for a guy who puts himself in the line of fire to make sure they have the best chance to win. So they go for it on 4th down much more often, and they play for the win instead of OT sometimes. Good for Jack. Anyway, one 4th down play works, resulting in 7 instead of 3 late, the 2nd doesn’t and they turn the ball over on downs behind 7 (soon 14) at midfield. But both moves were mathematically correct, and you have to roll the bones. Especially when, as is the case now, his defense ain’t stoppin’ nobody.

Speaking of THAT malady…what has gotten into the Panthers? I mean, sure, they won, but letting the fucking Fightin’ Tomsulas off the mat (at home, no less) and having to pull away late in a track meet? Carolina is a very shaky 1-1, and they can’t feel super good going into their Week 3 matchup against the Vikings and their tough defense.

Sure gotta feel better than Li’l Danny and the Redacteds, though. I mean, I always thought Kirk Cousins was a bit fraudulent, but this…wow. What a fucking shitshow. And what can you say about Dak Prescott, in victory? DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK!!!!

Did the Saints really beat someone today? NOPE. The Giants were the squadron who kicked the winning FG, 16-13. Shows how close attention I paid to this particular game. Every time it came on, it was like Charlie Brown’s teacher talking, man.

The Bungles and the Stillers played today, and it was a shame nobody mentioned that the two footy sides do not particularly care for one another, nor that it was raining. PITY, these made such compelling stories, and my soul and yes, my very loins yearned with fire to drink from the well of knowledge of such matters. Oh, and the Yinzers won as usual. The Ben threw ball long way until it finally go to right catchman, then everybody happy with The Ben again.

For quite some time, it looked like the Lions were going to be the feel-good mini-story of the first two weeks. A team left FOAR DEAD on the side of the road (too shitty even for Craigslist Free, FFS), all of a sudden playing loose and open. Getting surprisingly effective defense, timely plays from their festively plump QB, hey maybe that opening day win in Indy wasn’t just a one-off after all? Then Detroit things started happening, drives stalled and ended in FGs, leaving a window of opportunity open for the Titans to win the game with two 4th quarter TDs. Which is precisely what they did. See you again while we are oiling up the turkey breasts, eh Detroit??

The P*ts won, but Janine Garaffalo died (shoulder). That means a completely untested rookie BLACK GUY will QB the team ON A SHORT WEEK in front of the home folks next Thursday. Oh, do turn in for that one, won’t you??

Cleveland was ahead of the Ratbirds 20-nil, and had the game turn completely around on a blocked PAT returned for 2 points (new rule this year), which is the most Cleveland thing imaginabale. Or this is – they had ANOTHER QB break his left shoulder this week, though McCown played through the pain (ED NOTE: fucking ouch, dude!!) and returned to the field. Either way, 25-20 home loss and BALMER is 2-0 and tied with the Yinzers in first.

Stop whatever fucking California thing you are doing, for this shit will tear you a new asshole wide the fuck open. RAM IT!!! 9, Seattle 3. Oh yeah, that’s a final. No halftime scores here!!! LA, Jeff Fisher’s moustache is bringing the sexy back, both on and off the field. Line starts around the block.

I’m filing this at halftime of the Packers/Vikes because my fantasy teams depress me and that 1-yard TD pass to Jordy Nelson was just a knife twist through the dickhole. I need a 2nd grapefruit sculpin, and that will put me right to sleep. Hey fuck you, old age will bite you in the ass one day too, sassy motherfucker. Oh, and Purple Jesus is ready to be ground up and fed to Michael Vick’s fighting uh, I mean rescue dogs now.