Your “We’re Done Here, Back To You ‘Murika” Second Round OF NFL Games Open Thread

So glad all that rainy, drizzly weather that is so conducive to badly-played football is behind us now that we’re back across the pond! What’s that you say? Washington and Chicago are overcast? SHUT UP!!! It’s a different kind of weather for one thing. And another thing, SHUT UP!!! TO THE GAMES!

Ten/Hou-Not sure if you heard, the Houston JJ Watts are without their premier self-aggrandizer today, tomorrow and more than a few days after that as well. Lb Cushing and safety Demps are listed as questionable though I don’t think it’ll matter much against a Titans team that has no discernible identity. Maybe rb Miller chooses this game to break out.

Cle/Was-Rook qb Kessler has a tendency to throw to the right side of the field. 1.) He threw to the left side only 3 times last week 2.) Josh Norman plays the right side if I’m not mistaken. Another reason to turn left? Cb Breeland is out and safety Hall is gone for the year. Hopefully the rook figures these things out otherwise Norman will feast. Wondering how the Browns will use wr/wild-catter Pryor is about as interested as I’ll ever be about anything Cleveland.

Sea/NYJ-Seattle finally got some points on the board last week, putting up 37 vs. San Fran. The Jets did a great job imitating the Seahawks recent O struggles by posting a mere 3 points against KC. Can qb Fitzpatrick Harvard his way back from a six pick performance? If cb Sherman doesn’t get a pick against him I’ll have lost face in all loudmouth cornerbacks forever. It looks like Wilson is ready to go but Graham is a bit iffy. With wr Decker out take a look at Quincy Enunwa-he’s come out of nowhere (Nebraska, close enough) and been remarkably effective when on the field.

Buf/NE-Yet another thrashing of the Bills by the Pats. Will they do it through the air? Will I care? Will they do it on the ground? If watching, will I frown? Maybe they’ll do it by special teams-do you sense a theme? So many uninteresting questions… However it goes down, old Rexy will say it was his fault and that he was out-coached yet again.

Car/Atl-I started Tevin Coleman last week. I just want to get that out of the way. Due in part to their ‘splosion last week the Falcons O is #1 in the league in scoring which comes in mighty handy when the D is giving up an average of 30.3 points per game. Beware Atlanta, following the Saints model will not earn you much success. Their secondary seems okay but they can’t stop the run, cover the TE and pressure the QB. (three sacks total) With Julio not being dominant/having a nagging injury I thought for sure that Sanu would pick up numbers-wise but that hasn’t been the case. 1-2 Carolina desperately needs this game and I’d bet they get it.

Oak/Bal-I’m sure there are more surprising things going on in the world right now but the Ravens being undefeated after three weeks has got to be in the top 5 at the very least. All I know is that they’re not going to shut down a young and frisky Raiders O that has been busy sowing its oats or fondling its humbleberries or however the saying goes. Ravens cb’s Wright and Smith better be shot-gunning Red Bull on the sidelines all game long because they’ll be busy. Silly Factoid Time-The Ravens haven’t won a game by double digits since week 10 of the 2014 season.

Det/Chi-NFC North Snoozefest Alert! Despite what your gut tells you, the Lions have won six straight vs. dem Bears. Wr Jones is listed as questionable but is expected to play as is rook rb Howard because Langford is down. Wr Jeffrey is troubled by both knee and hamstring issues-with that and Hoyer throwing him the ball it may be best to look elsewhere. How about to Kevin White? He was targeted 14 times last week and the only drawback is that Hoyer is throwing the ball to him.

There’s your lowdown. Before you start commenting, for God sake, DO YOUR STRETCHES!

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Gratliff

Hopkins is putting up 0’s, but Will Fuller is wrecking shit. Good times.

Doktor Zymm

So…you can pronounce “Francois” correctly, but somehow don’t realize that the “Jean” that is immediately hyphenated before that should be more like “John” than “Gene”….didn’t you have to read Les Miserables in high school?

Redshirt

No, but as a Trekkie, I know how to pronounce “Jean”

Brocky

For far too long, my aunt would pronounce it les miz and I thought she was talking about this guy:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ksK_1VDUPCA/T06U269U9bI/AAAAAAAAAgk/LuiRlpj7Tcw/s1600/THE-MIZ-HOWARD-THE-DUCK.jpg

Senor Weaselo

You mean he’s not Gene Valgene?

Redshirt

When did it become illegal to defend a pass?

Doktor Zymm

A couple years back I think

Welp

Senor Weaselo

For real this time.

The Maestro

Seems like Brock Osweiler is actually Really Bad, turns out

Spur

I can’t wait for election season to be over.

Gratliff

Red Zone has shown 4 picks in 5 minutes. That’s some top notch passin’, folks

Doktor Zymm

Mmmm, Chambord and Nocello whiskey and soda WORKS

John Difool

Watching a [*Redacted] s game is like that Interstellar movie where you get too close to a blackhole and age 50 years in three hours.

Brocky

Zach Zenner

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ThePirateSloth

So on Friday, Oregon restricted certain marijuana strain names being sold. Strains like Girl Scout Cookies, Bruce Banner, Skywalker, Jedi Kush, Death Star… I forget some of the others… because those names appeal to children. The best quote I saw from an advocate for this restriction was something like “if you can walk down a toy aisle and find names of strains on the shelves, then it’s misleading for children.”

My brain hurts at the stupidness.

herodotus450

Oregon better get it’s shit together; those names should have been banned long ago for trademark (or is it copyright? Maybe servicemark…) infringement. Who fucking cares about the children when there are corporate identities and profits to protect!

Doktor Zymm

That’s what happens when you pass on your love of mediocre 70s sci-fi films to your children.

Brocky

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh Raiders. Aren’t you ashamed? You let Flacco sneak it in on you. That’s just sad.

Doktor Zymm

DC has been doing okay with the turnover getting, though it doesn’t quite make up for their sheer incompetence against the run.

Points off of this turnover? -2, 0, or 3?

Redshirt

And mercifully the 2016 Cincinnati Reds season is coming to close.

Just imagine if the NFL was like MLB where if your team started losing, it would have to trade its good players to the Big Money teams so it can afford payroll next year.

Brocky

I think you just imagined a world where I’d find a way to hate the patriots and packers even more

Doktor Zymm

“No, I’m not trying to tackle you, I’m just letting you jump over me so you look cool on TV”

Lord Joe Don Looney

“Don’t call me a Gimp” – Dan Fouts.

//EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Doktor Zymm

We’ve replaced the entire [*Redacted] s front 7 with Folgers crystals….the difference is not immediately apparent.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You forgot to add water.
C’mon, man!!!!

ThePirateSloth

So they’re not the best part of waking up?

ArmedandHammered

At least crystals form a rigid structure.

John Difool

Tim Richmond drove the Folgers car and the [*Redacted] s look like a bunch of Tim Richmond’s in his final year?

That’s all I got.

Brocky

YOU DID WHAT?

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John Difool

“One day, clock of the walk, the next,a feather duster”

Redshirt

Time for the Browns to break out the Playing with the Lead Playbooks

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Senor Weaselo

Normally it’s Playing With Lead, which explains some things.

Doktor Zymm

If someone makes a political ad talking about how it’s easier to get a gun license than a driver’s license, they need to make use of this patent.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

I could have had fun with that during my post-divorce, bike dick period.

Gratliff

I forgot about Jim Bob Cooter. That’s a name that deserves constant mention.

King Hippo

there should be a designated Jim Bob Cooter cam, at least foar the Thanksgiving game

...

Things anyone named Jim Bob Cooter must do:

– Make moonshine.
– Shoot varmints.
– Get at least one Confederate flag tattoo.
– Carry a spit cup at all times.
– Recite entire blocks of dialogue from the Dukes of Hazard.

Brocky

The bears defense

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...

And they’re so boring when they suck. They can’t even embrace the derp for our entertainment.

Doktor Zymm

That’s the best thing about the NFC East, when they suck, they suck HILARIOUSLY. Sometimes they even beat the Pats in the Super Bowl HILARIOUSLY.

Doktor Zymm

I blame Kirk Cousins’s horrible moustache. I don’t know for what, but it has to be guilty of something.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

80s porn or police brutality.

Redshirt

Moonlighting as a 70s porn star?

ThePirateSloth

Guilty of unsatisfying mustache rides.

Doktor Zymm

I like how they just described Cody Parkey as “some guy off of the street”

Panhandling one day, kicker for the Browns the next! Lateral move?

John Difool

There’s almost no difference whatsoever.

...

Interesting. Usually they let those guys do the drafting.

Redshirt

What the… Did the Browns longsnapper forget how to snap?

Doktor Zymm

Duuuh, brainfart!

Doktor Zymm

Are the various French named players all Haitian or Louisianians?

Glorious Chairman Dan

Haitians normally, a few are Cajuns

Brocky

Marcus Mariota……

He’s still a thing?

Redshirt

Offensive Offsides. Oh, Browns!

Senor Weaselo

…How? Just… how?

Doktor Zymm

Why do teams even bother passing against the Skins? Worst run D ever….

DontHair

I left at the two minute warning to take a shower and have a sad wank are the bears still awful?

Redshirt

I just had a thought. Per the NFL disclaimer that this game is for the private use of our audience and any descriptions without permission is prohibited.

Does that mean we’re breaking the law with our Open Threads?

...

I hope so.

John Difool

Depending on the Kommentariats alcohol consumption, many state and federal laws are broken on these open threads not just the NFL ones.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Trying to decide between Redzone or Luke Cage instead of the second half of the Bears game

ThePirateSloth

Luke Cage. The soundtrack alone is worth the rest of the afternoon of watching.

DontHair

Absolutely. The Marvel Netflix shows are remarkable.

...

I liked Jessica Jones a lot. Purple Man was a legitimately frightening villain.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Bill Cowher looks very stalkery when he smiles.
Just saying.
(don’t get into Bill Cowher’s van is the general point)

Redshirt

So that’s where Ben learned that from!

Doktor Zymm

Are they still doing those horrible color rush unis on Thursdays? Cause I would actually be really entertained watching the Browns all in safety orange.

Shogun Marcus

Yes, but they’re chickening out by allowing many of the teams to go all-white. Trying to avoid the blindness bowl from last year.

Doktor Zymm

So they’re letting Chip Kelley pick the unis?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hee hee.

Shogun Marcus

Ja mein Doktor.

blaxabbath

“As the wife of a veteran — and one who enjoys banging her husbands pals while he’s constantly overseas dicking around in some pointless wars — I support John McCain.”

(in case you don’t get my local ads)

...

Damn it. I wanted to post another Barth! picture.

herodotus450

The Pats didn’t recieve the second half kickoff? They have no chance!

...

Oh, Loins.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s what your mother said last night, Trebek.

blaxabbath

Flacco is getting roughed up today. He’s going to be out of it at the press conference if the trainers have to give him an Advil.

But he’ll take great care to not get addicted.

Doktor Zymm

No reason, I just felt like watching this
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Never not funny.

Doktor Zymm

Sideline coach interviews : “We need to do more good football things and keep our discipline to prevent bad football things. We have respect for the other team, but if we stay on our toes and move the ball we can win this game”

...
Col. Duke LaCross

God dammit.

Doktor Zymm

Huh, I like the Bills beating the Pats, but I kind of liked the sowing of confusion amoungst Pats fans caused by having NOT TAWMMYs succeed.

Senor Weaselo

And then if Tawmmy lost a game or two?

Doktor Zymm

ALL THE STUPID CONTROVERSY!!

...

I would like it a lot of the Pats started 4-0 and then Tawwmy came back to play like shit and send the Pats to an 8-8 record.

Senor Weaselo

Keep it interestingdown!

...

Should I upgrade this Bears game from background noise to slight interest? Seems the score hasn’t changed but one since I turned it on.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Not really. The Bears are actually winning which is nice but neither team is any good so it is hard to watch. I think the Lions have 4 3 and outs in one half

Senor Weaselo

And there’s the Fitzception. Because Marshall slipped. Wait, it’s not a catch, but STILL.

ThePirateSloth

Shermanception!

ThePirateSloth

Dammit!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is that when all the slaves in Seattle are freed?
Sorry…that Shermancipation.
/sorry, misread

Spur

Bills did good?

...

I hope for a couple more of these wins to save Rex’s job, not because I think he’s a good head coach but he’s still entertaining.