Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 4, 2016

It’s not the most glorious thing in the world, but we sports fans get overly used to the idea/extent of the “doormat” designation. It seems unthinkable that Team X could ever get their shit together…and then they are down to their 3rd QB. But lo and behold, things regress to the mean, said doormat side rises up and says “fuck you, we are every bit as much professional footballists as the other jackasses that won’t sniff the playoffs.”

And then we are forced to squint thoughtfully, belch, and mutter “good point.”

Week 4 was such a week for several sides, but most notably the proud citizens of Hoyer County. For fuck’s sake, somebody in my Survivor pool picked Detroit this week. Yeah, the historically inept, currently 1-2 Lions on the fucking road. That’s how hopeless the Bears were. So of course, John Fox John Foxes them up, they ride defense, turnovers, and a 100-yard rushing rookie performance from Jordan Howard into a 17-14 win that shouldn’t have been that close.

Similarly, the Jaguras just needed to get back on their friendly home pitch in London, and the raucous fans carried them to a 30-27 breakfast victory. The Humps are in serious, serious trouble. You didn’t need me to tell you that, though. They really should be 0-4, if not for the victory gifted them by San Diego.

Speaking of that…New Orleans also needs to send the Bolts a thank you note for getting out of the winless column. King Laserface would absolutely be justified in retiring, or simply murdering all of his teammates at this point. Words fail me.

All alone at 0-4…you guessed it even if you didn’t watch…Factory gon’ Factory. The Redacteds let Cleveland back into the game, but turnovers pissed it back away. No wonder rehab sounded like MOAR fun to Josh Gordon.

The undead Ryan twins will continue to walk among us, having shut out the Pats (3rd string rookie QB or no) in Foxborough. All of a sudden, maybe the AFC East gets a little interesting? Probably not.

Elsewhere amidst likely AFC contenders, beloved Donks went down to the land of trailer parks and strip clubs and took care of business, despite starting the QuarterPax era a bit sooner than expected. Mr. Lynch even managed his very first professional TD pass on a very nice play fake to He-Mannuel Sanders (h/t Brandon Perna), while letting the defense do the rest. Rapey Jameis will remember Derek Wolfe, in particular.

Perhaps the best-played game this afternoon was the Meth Bowl, aka Balmer/Oakland. The Raiders coughed up a 2-score lead, but re-took a slender 28-27 advantage late and forced a 4th down, just outside of FG range. Kamar Aiken looked to have the catch to set up the game winner, but a perfectly timed, LEGAL hit knocked it loose and sent both teams to 3-1. Michael Crabtree went fucking nuts, likely on many of your fantasy benches. Oops.

The two best NFC teams last season – by far – are both 1-3, both had their QBs concussed, and are both in deep fucking shit. At least the Panthers lost to the Falcons in Atlanta, whereas losing to Ram It!! at home is just…fucking inexcusable. But Bruce Arians continues to be too cool to use David Johnson like the proper stud back that he is, and his other pieces just aren’t much good.

Seattle, meanwhile, heads to their bye looking to have steadied the ship (insert 9/11 Truther jokes here) entering their early bye. Wilson could use the week off to rest his legs and have lots of heterosexual congress, you guys. Their 3-1 seems a lot more sustainable than Ram It!’s.

Have you ever noticed that the new SNF intro makes it look like RW is inspecting, then nodding in approval of, Carrie Underwood’s butt? I wonder what he was actually looking at?

Tony Romo is not getting his job back. I think he’s fine with it as long as they keep the oxy and the cheeseburgers coming. The Fightin’ Tomsulas made it interesting for 3.5 quarters, though. But that’s mostly Dallas being just meh, plus playing on the road.

How are Bill O’Brien, Brock Lobster, and the Texans 3-1? No, seriously, HOW THE FUCK? This legitimately makes me angry. Los Titanicos need to surround Mariota with some better footballists, and right soon. The clock is ticking down fast.

HARF!in’ in the rain…that was the theme FOAR another shitty SNF tilt, with Andy Reid’s charges taking their turn in the barrel. I went to bed in the 2nd quarter, so fucking sue me.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People

I guess NY isn’t playing defense?

Sill Bimmons

Theresa May just spun the cylinder and cocked the hammer on the Tories’ little game of Brexit Roulette.

Too bad there’s six bullets in there:

http://politics.co.uk/blogs/2016/10/02/may-speech-makes-it-clear-we-re-leaving-the-single-market

Sill Bimmons

Fuck shitty wifi.

I will never EVAR have a fucking tablet without a fucking 4G connection again.

Walk two fucking inches away from the fucking wifi source and the fucking thing may as well be a fucking frisbee.

FUCK

Blaxabbath

It was me. I picked Detroit to win on the road. I thought I was being cute. I was looking ahead.

THE BEARS ARE A SURVIVOR LEAGUE TRAP GAME!

Unsurprised

Bears? Traps? This isn’t my usual fetish site

Senor Weaselo

Paging Buddy Cole?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Unsurprised

I don’t know why Brazilian models seem to insist on having tan lines when taking nudie or near nude pics, but I guess it works because it’s kinda hot. But you need that really deep contrast that you only get with them or sunburnt gingers.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

It seems like everyone has other shit going on during a Monday afternoon so they are busy. BOO! I am enjoying my day with nothing going on. I have had an opera on for 2 hours which was great. If I post boobs will people show up? I won’t actually care about what I post but just because of practice I am good at it.

Unsurprised

Boobs!?!?

Unsurprised

Drop the class. I’ve dropped a dozen, maybe two dozen classes in my lifetime. Some classes just suck, and that’s why you have that option. Take it and make your life immensely better.

Sill Bimmons

I dropped a class everyone thinks is one of the most awesome–Marine Biology.

Unless you’re at Woods Hole or somewhere doing fieldwork, marine biology is mostly ecosystems and other terminally boring shit like that.

Just make sure you’re passing at the time you withdraw. A WF is not a good thing to have on a transcript.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Words may have failed you, but booze has failed me, as I still remember what happened to the Chargers yesterday.

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On the plus side, I DID start Mr. Crabstree… So, there!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have a family that is either really good at engineering or really good at music. I think nothing else going down the list of aunts and uncles and 50 cousins. I am liking the Opera Zymm went to but I can’t help but imagine my 400lb Aunt that always trys too hard whenever the soprano comes up. Seriously every time the soprano tries too hard.. Our one event we always do a year is thanksgiving, they always do a beautiful concert. I hide in the basement and watch football til our annual get everyone who stays too drunk to leave after party.

Senor Weaselo

Sopranos are an interesting breed. And by that I mean most of them are crazy. Actually with most of the musical families, the higher the instrument the more of a basket case they are. I mean, look at me!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I think I have finally talked myself into never going back to the class I hate. Back to finishing Zymm’s Opera I never finished yesterday because of drinking/football reasons

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

/ Still thinking of ways of getting out of that class

I could just go to a coffee shop 2 days a week. I like coffee, but not that much. Tacos on Tuesday and Hot wings on Thursday for the deals? This could work

Sill Bimmons

It’s difficult for me to put into words just how much I hate Chris Christie, so I’m not going to try.

What I am going to say is that one of my good friends was recently released from the hospital following the Hoboken NJT crash after suffering two broken legs. He’ll walk again, but not for lack of Christie trying to cripple him.

The man fucks with my safety and my livelihood every day. One of the foundational reasons for my disbelief in a god or gods is the fact that this corpulent troglodyte’s black heart refuses to give up sustaining the cloacal morass of his shit-funnel brain. Die choking on your own vomit, you gangrenous pustule on the anus of humanity.

http://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/christie-destroyer-article-1.2813600

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

At least he has to leave in 16 months because of term limits

SonOfSpam

I like him if only because he’s one of the few people I can refer to as “a fat asshole” without being a hypocrite.

nomonkeyfun

Preach on.
Imagine that man as Attorney General.

LemonJello

Brownshirts for everyone!

...

At least we now understand why he was first and most eager to cozy up to Trump.

LemonJello

Corpulent Troglodytes and Gangrenous Pustules are both excellent punk rock band and fantasy football team names.

Anus of Humanity would be the debut album for the Gangrenous Pustules, I imagine.

Unsurprised

This is bullshit. There are good-guy politicians who’ve gone to federal prison for far, far less than what this motherfucker gets away with. I can still hope, however, he’ll eventually go to prison.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I spend like 90% of my time hating everything not wanting to go to one class with a dick teacher, I should really drop the class. Give me a pointless C# thing to work on for 8 hours, I am game, be an abusive asshole twice 2 hours a week, I have had enough of that in my life. Ironically the thing that has stopped me from dropping the class is my ex-violently abusive dad really going all in about me being back in school and dropping a class would be a failure in his eyes.

Unsurprised

Drop it. Right now. I’m not kidding. Do it or I will harass you until you do.

Beerguyrob
The Maestro

Mike Fisher is a lucky man.

yeah right

It’s always interesting to attend a game when your team’s not playing in it. After each touchdown fans are looking around to high five everybody and I’m just watching with my arms crossed.

I guess I could give the high five but a proper high five should be a sincere high five.

I will say that the Chargers and their fans were very gracious hosts.
Obviously gracious to a fault. “No no, please, you can have this game. We have plenty more to give away.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“To a fault” is right. They really don’t have many more to give away, soon it will be the Los Angeles Chargers handing those victories out.

...

“To a Fault” was also a rejected slogan for the Spanos attempted L.A. move.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is “handyman” code for “hot barista I’m banging”?

SonOfSpam

It’s a man who will give you a handy.

Hippo always has him around during football games.

Brett Favres Colonoscopy

So did he fix the cable?

Don T

Bill O’Brien man. Another coaching derpfest, another win. BREAKING NEWS: Life Arbitrary.

Best podcast title ever: “A Civil Conversation About Mike Mularkey”, from MCM Radio. It was civil, last week.

The AFC West is crazy loaded. I don’t think many teams look forward to playing SD or KC, yesterday notwithstanding.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’d say the AFC North is tougher, but Cleveland does drag the quality down by a lot.

Brett Favres Colonoscopy

As someone who spent football Sunday in a stadium, a car, and then a temple, this was a most helpful and cromulent writeup. Now I’m all caught up.

Sill Bimmons

Your cromulence embiggens us all.

Unsurprised

Other people. Jesus Christ. I felt like Tom Hanks in Castaway. I was reading reddit for fuck’s sake.

Doktor Zymm

The Titans do have a run game named DeMarco Murray, it’s really just the O-line and receivers that are missing. Of course, as we have learned from the Bears over the past few years, those are important things to have.

Don T

Not agreed. Mariota’s just not been good. But he’s kept them in games; last three, TEN’s final drive was either to win or tie.

Don T

Being tentative, bad decisions, losing his cool (for him) after a mistake… Looks wound up way too tight. More sad than maddening; it’s like the dread of failure getting the best from an overachiever.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, David Carr Syndrome?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s DEREK damnit…

Oh, wait. You actually WERE talking about David. Apologies. Force of habit.

Don T

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Sill Bimmons

MURKAN OR MEXICO BRO

ballsofsteelandfury

The Rams will revert to the mean (their natural state of .500) so fast that Goff will get whiplash and be out for the year.

Doktor Zymm

It’s probably all an NFL plot to sell enough tickets in LA this year to justify the move

ballsofsteelandfury

Most likely. Although, my two buddies with season tickets are already regretting their purchases. They may not re-up next year if they can’t make their money back.

Unsurprised

Garbage for the Garbage Time Elder Gods