Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 4, 2016

It’s not the most glorious thing in the world, but we sports fans get overly used to the idea/extent of the “doormat” designation. It seems unthinkable that Team X could ever get their shit together…and then they are down to their 3rd QB. But lo and behold, things regress to the mean, said doormat side rises up and says “fuck you, we are every bit as much professional footballists as the other jackasses that won’t sniff the playoffs.”

And then we are forced to squint thoughtfully, belch, and mutter “good point.”

Week 4 was such a week for several sides, but most notably the proud citizens of Hoyer County. For fuck’s sake, somebody in my Survivor pool picked Detroit this week. Yeah, the historically inept, currently 1-2 Lions on the fucking road. That’s how hopeless the Bears were. So of course, John Fox John Foxes them up, they ride defense, turnovers, and a 100-yard rushing rookie performance from Jordan Howard into a 17-14 win that shouldn’t have been that close.

Similarly, the Jaguras just needed to get back on their friendly home pitch in London, and the raucous fans carried them to a 30-27 breakfast victory. The Humps are in serious, serious trouble. You didn’t need me to tell you that, though. They really should be 0-4, if not for the victory gifted them by San Diego.

Speaking of that…New Orleans also needs to send the Bolts a thank you note for getting out of the winless column. King Laserface would absolutely be justified in retiring, or simply murdering all of his teammates at this point. Words fail me.

All alone at 0-4…you guessed it even if you didn’t watch…Factory gon’ Factory. The Redacteds let Cleveland back into the game, but turnovers pissed it back away. No wonder rehab sounded like MOAR fun to Josh Gordon.

The undead Ryan twins will continue to walk among us, having shut out the Pats (3rd string rookie QB or no) in Foxborough. All of a sudden, maybe the AFC East gets a little interesting? Probably not.

Elsewhere amidst likely AFC contenders, beloved Donks went down to the land of trailer parks and strip clubs and took care of business, despite starting the QuarterPax era a bit sooner than expected. Mr. Lynch even managed his very first professional TD pass on a very nice play fake to He-Mannuel Sanders (h/t Brandon Perna), while letting the defense do the rest. Rapey Jameis will remember Derek Wolfe, in particular.

Perhaps the best-played game this afternoon was the Meth Bowl, aka Balmer/Oakland. The Raiders coughed up a 2-score lead, but re-took a slender 28-27 advantage late and forced a 4th down, just outside of FG range. Kamar Aiken looked to have the catch to set up the game winner, but a perfectly timed, LEGAL hit knocked it loose and sent both teams to 3-1. Michael Crabtree went fucking nuts, likely on many of your fantasy benches. Oops.

The two best NFC teams last season – by far – are both 1-3, both had their QBs concussed, and are both in deep fucking shit. At least the Panthers lost to the Falcons in Atlanta, whereas losing to Ram It!! at home is just…fucking inexcusable. But Bruce Arians continues to be too cool to use David Johnson like the proper stud back that he is, and his other pieces just aren’t much good.

Seattle, meanwhile, heads to their bye looking to have steadied the ship (insert 9/11 Truther jokes here) entering their early bye. Wilson could use the week off to rest his legs and have lots of heterosexual congress, you guys. Their 3-1 seems a lot more sustainable than Ram It!’s.

Have you ever noticed that the new SNF intro makes it look like RW is inspecting, then nodding in approval of, Carrie Underwood’s butt? I wonder what he was actually looking at?

Tony Romo is not getting his job back. I think he’s fine with it as long as they keep the oxy and the cheeseburgers coming. The Fightin’ Tomsulas made it interesting for 3.5 quarters, though. But that’s mostly Dallas being just meh, plus playing on the road.

How are Bill O’Brien, Brock Lobster, and the Texans 3-1? No, seriously, HOW THE FUCK? This legitimately makes me angry. Los Titanicos need to surround Mariota with some better footballists, and right soon. The clock is ticking down fast.

HARF!in’ in the rain…that was the theme FOAR another shitty SNF tilt, with Andy Reid’s charges taking their turn in the barrel. I went to bed in the 2nd quarter, so fucking sue me.