Your “Heeeeeeee’s Baaaaaaaack!” Sunday Afternoon NFL Open Thread

Today has the makings of a memorable day, doesn’t it? So much going on! [sounds of enthusiastic slurping can be heard in background] NFL meal-ticket and Orange Wonder-supporter, Tahmmy Boy returns under center, baseball playoffs throughout the day and a debate of some sort later on this evening. [slurping sound grows louder] Do you hear that? God, that’s distracting! Where was I? Right, get all your little errands and chores out of the way early folks because there’s plenty… [slurping reaches 140 decibels] I can hardly think. Where is that sound coming from? OH MY GOD! IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE TV! Help…me… To…The…Games… [collapses]

NE/Cle-TOM BRADY IS BACK!!! If you’re not a fan of vivisection you may want to catch another game. Although te Gronk, wr Edelman and rb Blount are all ouch-infested, it won’t matter much against a bunch of Brownies. Time for a sneaky good game from wr Hogan? You could do worse.

Phi/Det-Te Ertz is finally back from a rib booboo and you should throw him in there if you have him. The Lions rank dead last in defending that position. Rook qb Wentz is throwing at a 65% clip and has yet to turn the ball over. I expect that’ll change today but not because Detroit is sound defensively-it’s just that confident rooks tend to try to do things that they shouldn’t. It’s nice being right every once in a while. I wrote somewhere else that wr Tate would struggle with the wr1 mantle after Megatron goes back to his home planet. Tate has amassed all of 95 yards in a particularly pass-happy O so far this year. Look for him to bounce back as D’s turn their attention to the team’s real threat, Marvin Jones Jr.

Chi/Ind-Two 1-3 teams battle for not-supremacy of anything. The Colts give up an average of 31 points a game while the Bears are struggling to the tune of 16 per. Luck and Co. should easily get into the mid-thirties while Hoyer should be able to put up 3 scores against Indy’s travesty of a D. I’ll go 36-21 for the blue unis here.

Ten/Mia-Another battle of 1-3 ‘teams’. Starting qb’s Tanny and Mariota have both thrown 5 picks each so the one that protects the ball better should come out the winner. The Titans own the #4 rushing O in the league and little else. Their leading wr, Rishard Matthews has a whopping 180 yards on only 12 recepts. That’s only 3 per game-man, that’s bad! On the other side wr Landry continues to be the Fins lone offensive weapon. He’s got 375 yds and 1 TD.

Was/Bal-Cousins could have the time of his life if he throws on cb Wright for the majority of the game. Of the seven TD’s allowed by the Ravens, six have been directed at Wright. Rb West looks to build on his 113 yd, 1 TD performance last week even though fellow rb Dixon will be eased back into the lineup. Someone, anyone, performing well on the Baltimore O would take some heat off OC Trestman.

Hou/Min-This looks to be the fixture of this time slot though how each of the O’s is going to put points on the board is a mystery to me. Minny is now down wr Diggs who is out with groin problems. Perhaps it’s time for wr Patterson to finally show up? The smart money says an emphatic, “NO!”. Houston has the #1 ranked pass D anyway. I’d venture that the D that generates the most turnovers squeaks out the W.

NYJ/Pit-BUMBLEBEE UNIFORMS! Apparently they’re being thrown in a dumpster after this game because orphans in Haiti were quoted as saying, “Nah, you can keep them”. Speaking of not looking good-The Jetskis! Thanks to his recent struggles, qb FitzHarvard is trending towards a 16 TD, 40 Intercept season. One for the record books! Sure-handed wr Enunwa has made the most of his opportunity with Decker being on the sidelines-he’s 10th in the league with a 72% catch rate. Qb Big Ben (who the hell has time to make sure his last name is spelled properly? Not me) shares the league lead with 11 TD’s tossed, 4 of which have gone to wr Brown who shares the league lead in that category. I think the Steelers romp in this one.

Now that’s done. TYPE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER TYPED BEFORE!

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ThursdaySkyGoddess
Spur

I hope LeBron is hiding in the stadium tunnels and attacks Brady with a metal pipe
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I usually try to get them drunk first, but yeah.”

– Ben Roethlisberger, watching the news yesterday

ballsofsteelandfury

No wonder that dipshit was a Trump supporter.

King Hippo

I really, truly appreciate this extended heroic music intro. It makes my Sunday RedZone experience. Huzzah.

Gratliff

I have never met a person who prefers digiorno over their favorite pizza place. I hate those fucking commercials so hard.

John Difool

Digiorno can top Little Ceasar’s and that’s about it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Mmmm….DiGiorno-topped Little Caesar’s pizza…”

– Andy Reid

ballsofsteelandfury

I hate the bumblebee uniforms so much. So so much.

Spur

The escaped convict ones?

ballsofsteelandfury

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Senor Weaselo

THESE PITTSBURGH STEELERS I CALL THEM MAGWITCH BECAUSE THEY HAVE GREAT EXPECTATIONS.

Spur

Can the Lions try to win today? That would be nice.

Gratliff

As long as it ends in failure, I’m okay with this request.

Senor Weaselo

Happy Leif Erikson Day, everyone! But seriously do the Jets lose by 20 or 30?

yeah right

Every year I try a new superstition to help my team win.
This year I bought a retro Vikings Football grey heathered t-shirt and we’re 4-0.

You realize this team wouldn’t be 4-0 if I hadn’t bought this t-shirt don’t you?

That’s science!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/awaits Sill’s counterpoint

litre_cola

Well duh.

/slides on Kevin Kolb jersey cuz its lucky

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am in a betting pool where every week you pick an underdog, and if they win straight-up, you get the number of points in the spread added to your total. I intend to pick the Browns every week until they win, because there are a lot of points to be had. And if they never do, they will go 0-16 and it will be funny.

Unsurprised

That’s an excellent strategy

Unsurprised

I figure I’ll head to the bar at 1 to try and catch … Oh God, I guess Atlanta at Denver.

Spur

If the Browns win today, I’ll shove a Romo funko pop figure up my ass.

litre_cola

Runs to website to bet on Bro…. no fucking way.

LemonJello

“Is there a newsletter or website I can subscribe to for more of this?”

-Aaron Rodgers

BrettFavresColonoscopy

YOOOOOOO! I’m at a bar with the bears game right in front of me and the Nats game off to the right. I’m one Old Style in and likely to ramp that up. Let’s FOOOOTBAAAWWWW

yeah right

That’s how we do it…
The Chicago way!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I just have to ask, why Old Style?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Because it’s breakfast

theeWeeBabySeamus

I bid all ye a wonderful day.
I’ll be mute more than likely, but love ya’s.

yeah right

Glad to see you rode out the storm safely my friend.

Welcome back.

King Hippo

mandatory:

DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK

Unsurprised
Fronkenshteen

PICTURED: My day in Insanity League. (Hint: I’m the lions)
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Spur

Looks like footage of the attempted rape of Raven Simon.

King Hippo

I picked up QuarterPax so I could bench the best QB in Fantasy (Matt Ryan) for the 5th week in a row, despite Bortles’ bye.

Why yes, I am 1-3, thanks FOAR asking!!

Gratliff

0-4 and I start today 109 in the hole thanks to Arizona and Kerley. The fantasy gods are merciless.

blaxabbath

Blergh’s brother Flham is the fantasy god.

(Flham is always trying to bang Bergh’s hot daughters, per greek mythology)

Fronkenshteen

KING HIPPO GON’ RUN THROUGH A MUTHAFUCKA FACE!!

Unsurprised

Someone in my Instagram feed posted a photo of his first brisket (I love that this southern boy from Texas who went to U of S. Carolina lives in Park Slope now) and I am very sad now.

yeah right

Want to fuck with your brain and perception itself?

Switch back and forth between a football game and a baseball game.

There’s a different pace that will leave your brain sloshing in your cranium.

I may need to enter the concussion protocol.

blaxabbath

Is this the Peter King origin story?

King Hippo

I look at the matchups, and can see a loss in my money league despite David Johnson.

I suck at all aspects of life.

Unsurprised

Well, you’re already in good comany.

Unsurprised

#ImVoting4JillBecause I’m a vainglorious idiot who wants to make a useless and not-actually-symbolic gesture (basically masturbation) and after I vote I won’t do anything to actually effect change in the system that I so loudly and ignorantly decry because work is hard and I’m stupid.

blaxabbath

I’m staying home we cancel each other out.

THE SYSTEM WORKS!

Gratliff

Ah, here comes the pink

LemonJello

And the stink? (looking at Cleveland)

Unsurprised

I am a fucking idiot. However, I at least know how to find tits. Lots of tits. (Links to collage of GoT tits). https://gfycat.com/WindyOpulentAvians

Spur

What did the Browns do to deserve the timing of this matchup?

Unsurprised

Exist

LemonJello

TWWL’s TAWWWMMMY felatio segment just aired – is it wrong to wish a season ending injury on someone?

LemonJello

Switch to Fox NFL pre-game – and they’ve got A-Rod as a in-studio guest ???? Did I die in my sleep and now I’m in purgatory?

LemonJello

Flip to CBS – get slapped in the face with their Tawwmy circle jerk/bukakke…FML…with NAWT MarkeyMark narrating…

Unsurprised

Nope. This is Hell.

LemonJello

With a Jim Rome shitburger to top it all off…

Time to start drinking? Time to start drinking.

Unsurprised

(Waits five minutes)

RIP Lemonjello

Unsurprised

I’ve been doing that every week for years. He’s still alive.

Spur

Jay Cutler goes to the Jets or…..back to Denver(!) next year.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Unless they lose out the rest of the year and get the #1 pick to get a franchise QB they won’t trade Cutler. … Now that I think about it he will be gone next year.

Spur

oh joy, instead of the Dallas game I get SD/Oak and Den/Atl. Looks like i’ll need to find a stream today.

Unsurprised

I hate the Sunday political shows to my core, especially because in a perfect world they would be dragging the fuck out of Reince and Trump’s spokespodperson for cancelling their appearances this morning like the cowards they are.

blaxabbath

Just checked 506 – has Fox always not had an AM slot?

Guess I’ll just leave CBS on in the background all day while doing other stuff.

Unsurprised

I don’t ever remember a morning Fox game

Spur

Morning Folks.

blaxabbath

What’s shaking, Spur?

Spur

Just getting my Brady Voodoo Doll out of it’s box. You?

blaxabbath

Drug use.

Also mowed the lawn.

Looking for menudo.

Claymaker

Hi all, figured I’d type something out for anybody who wants to watch all the games but doesn’t have DirectTV. I’ve been doing this for the last couple weeks with no problems.

In Europe, a subscription to NFL GamePass allows you to watch all the games live. If you pay for the US subscription ($99 per year), log in, then activate a VPN plug in (I use Hola set to the Netherlands), the player defaults to the Euro subscription and you can watch all the games live.

blaxabbath

Uhhh…..

Did one slip through the cracks or do we just have THAT big of a euro following?

Claymaker

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I’m in Texas. If you get a subscription here, then log in and activate a VPN set to a country in Europe it lets you watch all the games live.

Spanky Datass

I wonder if and on-line poll will embed?

http://www.easypolls.net/poll.html?p=57fa6493e4b03d77a3f49b2d

Spanky Datass

Well shit …. a link …

Unsurprised

Since I am blocking all cookies – I will manipulate the URL and then they show up later because they’re in my cache now.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I got an addon to fix it. That isn’t an option so I didn’t vote. I did read it.

Fronkenshteen

Anyone else need Jacquizz Rodgers to shock the world today? I just watched a YouTube video called “Jacquizz Rodgers Highlights (Yes, Jacquizz Rodgers)”.
DAMN YOU, DAVID JOHNSON, FOR RUINING MY FANTASY WEEK ON THURSDAY NIGHT!!!!
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litre_cola

Same here. ruined 2 of my 3 leagues. I just did some gambling online so I have a reason to watch today.

Fronkenshteen

I could’ve murdered the chump that ran into the kicker and gifted him that first TD.

litre_cola

AAANNNGGRRRRYYYY

King Hippo

I changed my survivor pick from Massholes to Minny, just because I want 100% of me aghast at them.

Unsurprised

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King Hippo

someone ALWAYS needs to be stabbed ,, ppl forget that

Unsurprised

Imgur is a dumpster fire of racism and idiocy, but this is a great bunch of Whose Line Is It Anyway jokes and the comments are pretty good, too.

https://imgur.com/gallery/uzyJh

Gratliff

Like every 5th episode of Whose Line was fantastic, particularly the British version. Although I don’t remember there being a version of it after Drew Carey left. Colin Mochrie has been doing the show since 1989 and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him on another show. I’m fairly certain he sleeps in the studio.

Unsurprised

It’s on The CW now, which it seems is an actual network.

Fronkenshteen

My son’s behavior this morning is making me excited for when he’s old enough that I can just grab the car keys and fucking leave when I feel like it.

LemonJello

“So, like, soon as you’re back from the hospital?”

-Casey Anthony

Kungjitsu

I read a piece about women making up 62% of the industry but only 20% of executive roles*, and a dude in the comments seriously asked what percentage of executive roles were filled by men.

*We’re not going to get into massively flawed model.**

Kungjitsu

Real Estate. I’m talking about real estate.

Unsurprised

Are you and Duchess joining forces?

Kungjitsu

Most definitely!!! DFO Realty — Unlimited Dick Jokes With Every Property Sold.

LemonJello

Well, when the Reptoid/Illuminati percentage isn’t addressed…

Sharkbait

Morning everyone. Today’s role of the TV thief in American History X will be played by: The Cleveland Browns.

JustStopDude

Oh and this is why I was rooting for the hurricane when it hit South Carolina…

http://i.imgur.com/vWQGizo.jpg

Unsurprised

You had me at South Carolina.

JustStopDude
Unsurprised

Wait. I just fully grasped the reality that Brady’s comeback game is at home against THE MOTHERFUCKING BROWNS!?!

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Fronkenshteen

Not that it’ll matter, but the game is at The Factory.

Unsurprised

Well, that makes it a little bit better.

JustStopDude

I get the feeling that Grimble-Lord will just pad the score like he is a dick head SEC head coach just to fuck with people acting like their is potentially a QB controversy.

Unsurprised

Well, if you insist. Back to bed it is.

jjfozz

I need to write an Angry Dad post about how much I fucking despise winter. Stay tuned.

Unsurprised

I’d rather have the wet D.C. winter or the dry and windy as a motherfucker cold of Albuquerque than the rain forest bullshit we have here where I end up having to wear a jacket that leaves me drenched in sweat if I walk more than a block because it’s just cold enough that if I didn’t wear one I’d want to die.

At least I’m not working in that kitchen and coming home at midnight soaked from dishwater and sweat. I’m pretty sure I’d die by Halloween.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not winter yet; you should go yell at some clouds, maybe curse the sunset, perhaps rail at the passing of time.

http://66.media.tumblr.com/cc0907a1a950a75560b1bce728727172/tumblr_o5vs13GWIg1r8vtjro1_500.jpg

Unsurprised

Going from the sun rising at 4:30AM and going down at 10:30 to 7AM-7PM is like getting kicked in the fucking balls.

I have a fucking SAD lamp I should already be using.

Fronkenshteen

Me too! My aunt had this stylish little one that looked like a desk lamp, so I mentioned it to my doctor at the VA. He said, “I can prescribe one for you if you’d like.”
Holy shit, the thing they sent me is so gigantic and powerful I can barely sit in front of the thing without a welding mask on! And it looks like someone shimmied up a pole in a Target parking lot and ripped it off the top. Hysterical. Good old VA medical care, man.

Unsurprised

I got mine at Costco.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wooooops!!! Sorry! For Balls’ private collect!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Thought you’d delete that. Sorry again.

litre_cola

We just got 3 inches of snow last night. In OCTOBER!!!! Do it Fozz. this is fucking stupid.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I actually like winter, until it lasts a month or two too long.

yeah right

Yeah! Do it Fozz!

These 80 degree days are fucking with my kitchen time.

That is what you meant right?

DontHair

Another day of shitty Bears football. Happy wedding anniversary to me.

Unsurprised

Brilliant

Unsurprised

I asked before, but aren’t like half the Bears and Colts on IR?

Unsurprised

Oops. Cowboys and Lions, not the Colts.

Unsurprised

Gee, what reason could I possibly have to post this on Facebook?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

Never mind Hurricane Matthew’s damaging wind and rain, a tidal wave of jism is going to wash Boston into the sea.

And I will cheer and cheer.

Fuck the Patriots.

Unsurprised

How’d he get access to my phone?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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