A note to our loyal readers: Here at the busy offices of Hard Ride To Nowhere we’re sure to read each and every piece of fan mail that comes across our desks. Over the past year the query we’ve most often come across is: Whatever happened to those two detectives? Well, we here at HRTN don’t like to leave our readers in the dark…at least, not for too long. So here at long last is that hidden tale…

The scene: One year ago. An unmarked police car with the Top Detective at the wheel, and the Hard-boiled Detective riding shotgun, tears down the street in front of the DFO clubhouse. They spot Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van speeding away.

Hard-boiled Detective: Every instinct I’ve got tells me something funny is going on with that van. Hit it!

The police car pursues the van. Then there’s a sudden flash of green and they disappear. They reappear in a desert wasteland. The car skids, out of control on the sand. The Top Detective counter-steers like mad, but the car slides sideways and ends up on its side in a sandy ditch. A few moments pass as the dust settles, and then the Top Detective crawls out of the car, followed by the Hard-boiled Detective.

Hard-boiled Detective (looking at the car): The motor pool guys aren’t going to be too happy with you.

Top Detective (shaking out his grey jacket and putting it on): Don’t remind me. I hate to spend the taxpayers’ money on my mistakes. Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public work hard for their money, and when I screw up I feel like I’ve let them down. Sure, to err is human, but a mistake in our line of work can cost more than just dollars and cents. If we make a mistake, it can cost lives.

Hard-boiled Detective: Are you through?

Top Detective: Through? No, I’m not through. I’m not through until I punch out for the day. But even when my day ends, the city’s keeps going. That’s why I’m a cop twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Hard-boiled Detective (gesturing at the wasteland around them): In case you haven’t noticed, we’re not in the city. In fact, I have no idea where we are.

Top Detective (walking off with purpose): Well, we’re not going to find out by standing around here.

Hard-boiled Detective (following): Hey, you think there’s a taco truck or a diner around here? Those scout cookies weren’t very filling…

Cut to: A large pond. The Hard-boiled Detective is splashing around in it, while the Top Detective sits on the shore.

Hard-boiled Detective: Come on in, the water’s fine!

Top Detective: No, thanks. I just want to find a telephone so we can call in. I’m sure the captain wants to know what his two best detectives have been doing.

Hard-boiled Detective: We’ve been wandering around this place for days. I hate to be the one to tell you, Dorothy, but I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

Top Detective: Very funny. Everything’s a joke to you, isn’t it? Do I have a sense of humor? Sure. Everyone does, and I’m no different from the guy on the street corner with his news stand, or the bank president making more in one day than you and I do all year. I’m human, just like them and just like you. But unlike you, I know when it’s time to be funny and when it’s not.

Hard-boiled Detective (getting out of the water): Look, friend…

Suddenly a strange trumpeting sound echoes through the area.

Hard-boiled Detective: What the hell was that?

Top Detective (getting up): You get dressed. I’ll go find out.

Hard-boiled Detective (picking up his clothes as the Top Detective rushes off): Hey! Wait for me!

The Hard-boiled Detective loses the Top Detective in the high grass. He rushes out into a clearing, to see a score of disheveled-looking humans running away from riders on horses. Riders who happen to be…

Yes, they’re apes. You guys knew that already, though, right? Still, it’s pretty cool, right? Apes are always cool. Just ask Moosemas Gorilla.

Hard-boiled Detective (trying to put on his pants): Good lord, this is insane! A planet where apes hunt down men…?

Suddenly a group of humans run toward the Hard-boiled Detective, chased by the apes. Caught up in the crowd, the detective hops along on one leg, while trying to pull his pant leg over the other. Unfortunately his one-legged hop is a pretty inefficient mode of travel over the rough landscape, and he trips. He covers his head as the other humans run around him, and after they pass he looks up to see a gorilla dismounting from his horse. The gorilla reaches down and picks up the Hard-boiled Detective.

Hard-boiled Detective (struggling to break free): Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty…

In surprise the gorilla releases the Hard-boiled Detective, who, legs still tangled in his pants, stumbles back, falls over, and hits his head on a rock, knocking himself out.

Cut to: Some time later. The Hard-boiled Detective wakes up on a wooden table, a chimpanzee in a lab coat tending to the wound on his head.

Hard-boiled Detective (eyes wide, sliding off the table): Get away from me! I don’t know who you are, but…

Chimpanzee Technician: Whoa, whoa! Take it easy! You got quite a knock on the head, there…

Hard-boiled Detective (backing away): Keep away from me! I don’t know what you’ve got in mind, but you’re not vivisecting me!

Chimpanzee Technician (shocked): No kidding! That’s messed up, man. Look, just lie back down…

The Hard-boiled Detective attempts to run from the room, but a gorilla guard enters. He runs the other way, but another gorilla enters. Trapped between the two he dives for an open window but the gorillas catch him before he can make it through.

Hard-boiled Detective (as he’s being dragged back into the room): It’s a madhouse! A MADHOUSE!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Top Detective enters, flanked by an orangutan in a fancy suit.

Top Detective (to Hard-boiled Detective): Hey, calm down, mister! Remember, you’re a cop, and a darn good one.

Hard-boiled Detective: Just what the hell is going on here?

Top Detective: We walked right into a bust. That mob the gorillas were chasing? Dopers. Headcases. Real gone guys. They’d been staking them out for weeks.

Hard-boiled Detective: But they’re…apes!

Top Detective: Sure, they’re apes. This is Ape City, and it uses Ape Law. But it’s not so different from our own laws back home. They have law and order, the same as we do. And when someone breaks those laws, or disrupts that order, then that’s where we come in.

Hard-boiled Detective: Wait…we…?

Top Detective: That’s right. I’ve already told Captain Momo here about you. He likes what he’s heard.

Captain Momo (extending an orange-furred hand): Pleased to meet you! We can always use another good detective!

Hard-boiled Detective (shaking the orangutan’s hand): I’m still confused…

Top Detective: It’s a lot to take in, sure. But even though we don’t know where we are or how to get back home, we’re cops. We have a job to do. It doesn’t matter if we’re arresting some guy for holding up a liquor store, or bringing in a chimpanzee for getting drunk on banana wine and flashing the neighbors.

Chimpanzee Technician: That’s kind of specific…

Top Detective: The point is, Ape City can always use another good cop. And I need a partner. So what do you say?

Hard-boiled Detective: I guess I say…yes…

Cut to: Ape City Police HQ, one year later. The place is teeming with activity. A chimpanzee officer is taking the statement of a female orangutan while two gorilla cops wrestle a drunken male into a cell. Another gorilla frowns at his desk, writing up a report, while a chimpanzee secretary comes into the room with a tray full of coffee and bananas. Hard-boiled Detective sits at his own desk, finishing a report as the Top Detective walks up with Captain Momo.

Hard-boiled Detective: Well, that wraps up that case. You were right all along…it was the chimpanzee accountant. And he seemed like such a mild-mannered fellow.

Top Detective: The captain’s got a new job for us. This one’s big.

Captain Momo: That’s right…we’ve had some problems on the outskirts of the city. We could use some good cops. It’s not a glamour job…

Top Detective: But it’s a necessary one. You don’t have to ask us twice.

Hard-boiled Detective: That’s right, Captain.

Captain Momo: Excellent! Then as of now I’m assigning the both of you to…

To be continued…