Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 53)

The scene: The Door Flies Open clubhouse, where Cookiethulhu has just pulled the Man in Plaid #2 out of his mouth in front of several semi-horrified DFOers. Well, DTZM looks horrified. As does WCS. Doktor Zymm looks strangely fascinated, Sill Bimmons is rubbing his chin and nodding solemnly and Ballsofsteelandfury is looking down at his fingers, wondering whether or not he should be firing them. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is wearing a conquistador’s helmet and toking up big time on his lightsaber bong.

Doktor Zymm: Zo…you ate ze Man im Plaid…?

Cookiethulhu: Oh, I say! Not at all. I was…storing him.

Sill Bimmons: Indeed? And I wouldst ask how…?

Cookiethulhu: Oh, that’s simple, old bean! I have several stomachs, don’t you know. I use one of them for storage…you know, odds & ends that might come in handy later.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (exhaling a heroic amount of smoke): Awesome! Like, I wish I could do that, man! I’d totally, like, eat half a pan of brownies and then, like, store the rest for later, man!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Instead of eating them all at once?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: If I leave ’em out, raccoons eat them, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury: That wasn’t a raccoon, Marc. I keep telling you, that was just Rikki, and he was wearing sunglasses.

DTZM (staring at the Man in Plaid): So…you were storing this guy…in one of your stomachs… I guess my only question is…why?

Cookiethulhu: I thought he might be useful. And it turns out I was right!

DTZM (still looking at the crumpled Man in Plaid): Useful? How?

Cookiethulhu: Well, crikey! A Man in Plaid is just full of useful bits and bobs. Quite the treasure trove we have here, if I do say so myself.

WCS: That’s kind of…gross.

Cookiethulhu: Not at all, old bean! Here, let me show you…

Cookiethulhu reaches down and grabs the head of Man in Plaid #2 with his overly-large furry red paws and begins to twist.

WCS: Dude! What are you doing?

DTZM: That’s really not necessary…

Cookiethulhu (grimacing as he twists): Blimey! These things are harder to take apart than they used to be!

There’s a grinding sound as Cookiethulhu twists, then a sudden hiss of air. With a triumphant grin, Cookiethulhu pops the head of Man in Plaid #2 off of the body, then holds it up.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa! Just like a doll head, man!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Anyone else gonna hurl? I can’t be alone here.

WCS: Nope. Right with you.

DTZM: Me first, guys.

Sill Bimmons: Verily, ’tis most unbecoming to maim even thy most hated of foes!

Doktor Zymm (leaning in to peer at the head): Zo…he ist an android, zen?

Cookiethulhu: What? Of course he is! Goodness me…what kind of monster do you think I am?

WCS: An ancient one.

Ballsofsteelandfury: From a time of carnage and slaughter.

Cookiethulhu: That was centuries ago! I’ve reformed since then. Mostly.

Doktor Zymm: Back to ze point at hand…you are zinking ze Man im Plaid might help us repair Moose?

Cookiethulhu: Quite right, Doktor! All Men in Plaid are powered by microscopic fusion reactors.

Ballsofsteelandfury: This guy’s nuclear? Is he gonna explode?

Cookiethulhu: Don’t be silly, old boy. We’re perfectly safe. But if Zymm and Sill can isolate one of the reactors…

Sill Bimmons: Then we couldst use it to power our comrade Moose! A plan most excellent!

WCS: So where are these guys from? They dress like they escaped from an episode of Mad Men.

Cookiethulhu: Actually, nobody really knows, but they fancy themselves “protectors of the time-space continuum.” In reality they’re more like infuriating busybodies. They show up at the most inopportune times…

Flashback to: The White House, 1865. Abraham Lincoln and Cookiethulhu are hanging out in the Yellow Oval room, wasted on Kentucky Bourbon.

Abraham Lincoln: So I told her, “The war’s over, Mary! I don’t want to go to some damn play. I’m gon’ drank!”

Cookiethulhu (burping): Good call, Abe. Stick to your guns. Look, I’ve got to drain the little monster. You hang out here, and then you and me will go bar-hopping.

Cookiethulhu staggers out the door, and right into the arms of the Men in Plaid.

Man in Plaid #1: You have avoided us for too long, Cookiethulhu. It is time to return to your own dimension.

Cookiethulhu (drunkenly): You tossers just hate to see anyone having fun, don’t you?

Several minutes later, Abraham Lincoln looks up blurrily as the door opens.

Abraham Lincoln: Izzat you, Cookiethulhu? Let’s blow this joint and go do some serious drinkin’!

Mary Todd Lincoln (entering the room): No, Abe, it’s me! And if you don’t hurry up, we’re going to be late for the play! Now get up, get sober, and get going!

Abraham Lincoln (dispiritedly): Aww… OK, Mary…

Cut to: The present day again.

DTZM: So what’s the plan, then? How are we going to get one of those microscopic reactor thingies out of this guy and into Moose?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, I’m zinking ve’ll need a teeny, tiny submarine…

To be continued…