In 2016, I’m probably watching the least amount of football (both NFL and college) since I started when I discovered online sportsbook in 2006. However, with Quotables, I’m probably seeing more game footage than ever before by going through the recaps. I can’t tell you if the “on field product” is any better or worse than previous seasons but I can tell you that, based on my weekly review of game highlights, here is what IS going on in the NFL:
- The bumps and bruises of two months of football action are taking their toll on these players. Less hard hits, RB’s charging into linebackers, and explosive shots into arguably defenseless receivers make up the highlights. Cam is still getting cracked in the head though.
- Teams are checking out. Not just the Browns, who are guaranteeing a win this
weekseason but any player who knows they aren’t getting a playoff bonus this year and want to be healthy enough to play next year. Surprisingly, this doesn’t show up on the scoreboard but you can trust me. I heard about it from a millennial. - Context is everything. It shouldn’t be, considering these are five-second snippets of action but [nearly] everything seems to fit the narratives we all know and love. Player gets ejected on the first drive of the game from fighting off getting teabagged? Of course he’s a Brown. Botched cutesy onside kick? Your 2016 Pittsburgh Steelers. Want to guess which quarterback scrambled for a first down and then pitched a lateral downfield, risking the entire possession for the extra four yards picked up by his teammate? Well, he has a beard and is a Jet. I found a link to “Julio Jones with a drop” and the video was Jones, airborne, getting clipped HARD while the ball was still 10 feet from him — and he still almost made the catch.
- The Raiders are destroying the NFL’s “teams need a new stadium to be successful” narrative. Put BIRDMURDERDOME in Oakland and — well, it’s made of glass so it’d be raided and pieced out to bay area pawn shops by this point in the season — but the theoretical point is that it puts this Raiders team at the top of the national conversation. Instead, you get to hear about how Jeff Fisher didn’t hear fans calling for Jared Goff. I’m sure Hillary 2020 Field at Goldman Sachs Stadium will have excellent acoustics so Fisher will get better crowd feedback over his next four contract extensions with the franchise.
- Ticket prices, while still too damn high, are not high enough. You the see the people at these games? They shouldn’t be able to leave the house. We need a poll tax and an ugly tax, asap.
With that out of the way, let’s get to it!
I’ll only trust news from this source:
?w=652
The popcorn you’re eating has been pissed in. Film at 11.
CNN just breathlessly broke away from an interview with a poll worker to show BREAKING NEWS of Hillary Clinton’s motorcade leaving one place to go somewhere else.
Can’t find a video clip, but reminded me of this:
Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at eight o’clock for highlights of today’s vigil, including when the garbage man came, and when Marge Simpson put the cat out… possibly because it was harassed, we don’t know.
http://media.collegetimes.com/uploads/2015/02/sexual-powers.jpg
Fox News broke to go to a crazy person screaming weird shit…oh wait…that was Trump’s campaign manager.
Possible destination:
Nope, change in plans:
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/logopedia/images/d/d5/Arby's_new_logo_2013.png/revision/latest?cb=20131207023059
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Who would have the Hottest Teaks if this gif was used in their twitter feed….Curt Schilling or Trump?
It would be a race to this:
http://motherboard-images.vice.com/content-images/contentimage/no-id/1431114654163272.gif
Used Gravatar to change back to an old avatar, let’s see if it is a more user friendly size …
Aaaand nope; still yoooouuuuuge. Must be a Gravatar thing.
It’s definitely a gravatar thing.
Jameis hit: “And it looks like there’ll be a penalty on the pla—haaah, got you thinking it was gonna happen for a second.”
Flacco slide: “Buck Showalter just fined Flacco $500 for that.”
King pony ride: “White people love Marquette King because he makes Wayne Brady look like Malcolm X.”
Kelce toss: “I see your flag for the flag god and raise you… towel for the—”
“HATS FOR THE HAT GOD!”
EJECTIONS FOR THE EJECTION GOD!
So here are the candidates for 4 judge slots, according to my Los Angeles County voter pamphlet. We have:
A Violent Crimes Prosecutor
A Gang Homicide Prosecutor
An Attorney at Law
A Child Molestation Prosecutor
A Criminal Fraud Prosecutor
A Supervising Criminal Prosecutor
A Violent Crimes Prosecutor
A Deputy Attorney General
A Brick Meathook, Esq.
I ONLY GET TO PICK FOUR
Can you pick a Brick Meathook, Esq four times?
If you win, do you get one of those wigs? That’s really the only question that matters about the office.
I joined the American Legion just for the hat.
What’s your position on Stanford swimmers?
http://media2.giphy.com/media/kIlL2AG0qDWtG/giphy.gif
So Weaver or Isosceles, then?
IT WAS SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK
I just got an email from Pizza Hut offering me to pick my free side on my pizza today… do you think that means they’re offering elephant and/or donkey meat as a side, today only? And that can only improve their shitty product, right?
On the one hand, Pizza Hut does have shitty pizza.
On the other hand, you’re on their e-mail list.
On Randy Moss’s hand, there’s an aphrodisiac for Ellen DeGeneres.
God damn, that was brilliant.
http://i.imgur.com/b5qRWSk.gif
Have you smelled Randy Moss’ fingers?
holy shit I just damn near choked on my beer. That was funny.
Andrew Luck has been tasked to GOTV for the GOP:
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2016/11/07/super-pac-hoping-amish-voters-will-make-election-day-gop-barn-raiser.html
What’s with all this Rex Ryan porn?
I like how even though you can’t see her face, you can tell she’s thinking, “Oh yes. America. Land of opportunity. Hoo. Fucking. Ray.”
“Yes, I’ll do the pistachio pudding rub, followed by the anal bleach-n-peel special.”
The anal bleach-n-peel is the best part
I realize I’m in the minority for requesting this, but please: no pictures.
#imwithentropy
If I were to use the twitter machine, I’d ask that people just put that with nothing else in their tweets
http://i32.tinypic.com/33ynoeg.jpg
http://imgur.com/gallery/kXvf8I1
How much was the happy ending?
I’ll let you know in 20 minutes!
/actually 3 minutes
THREE MINUTES!?!?! WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF MARATHON MAN?!?!?
He got to go twice.
Twice? In the same day? What is he, some porn star?
I thought he was catching, not pitching….
Look at those gams on Brick Meathook!
CANNONS!
Approved.
Depending on the outcome of this election, there are a few things I want thrown onto the ballots for 2020:
1. I want the morning after pill diluted in all public drinking water (and a male equivalent of the pill developed IMMEDIATELY)
2. All dogs under 20 lbs should be immediately classified as rats (I have no real reason for this, I’m just still mad about that Pug fucking me up last year)
3. All polling locations should immediately be moved from schools and other such public buildings and placed in bars. I expect record turnout after such a move.
4. More skin on HBO. Shoot the lawyers. This is LH Puttgrass signing off, and heading for the tub.
You were PUG-FUCKED.
I was. I well and truly was.
I voted at an Exxon gas station.
I haven’t smoked pot in years, but I have a few choice medicinal buds in the freezer, for company. I was no stranger to the bong in high school, so I’m voting YES on California Prop 64, legalizing pot in The Golden State, I think.
Do you mean the weed in your freezer is for when you have company come over, or that the weed in your freezer is the only thing in your life that keeps you company?
Either way is fine, honestly.
Should I vote YES or NO on California Prop 60 requireing adult film actors to wear condoms? I dunno.
In my twenty years of living in SoCal, I’ve also seen Gary Coleman, a porn star, and The Terminator on the ballot, so this doesn’t surprise me. I’m waiting to vote for Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
I’m getting a deluxe pedicure right now. I love California!
California voting booths sound so much nicer than North Carolina ones!
NOT a Californian here, but a lot of my friends out there are voting NO for the earnest reason of wanting the porn revenue not to flee the state.
BAAAAAAAAAAAAREBACK IT!!
Abe Lincoln’s ghost better be on the Illinois ballot before any other – he needs to un-fuck his home state and it’s glorious record of governors.
Apparently, one of the “no” arguments is that under this law, married couples who produce internet cuntent (hey that’s like a Mr Skin joke) would have to use condoms. (Um, I don’t do that or anything, so feel free to fap to that stuff without fear of encountering a Commentist)
I voted no, but then I really like the rhythmic slapping sounds you just don’t get when the old coach is wearing a rubber.
http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/7/7d/Chuck_Norris_salute.gif/revision/latest?cb=20130209115619
Now I have a bunch of porn moved to my “cemmentists getting PUG-FUCKED” folder.
FOXNews.com has an article giving us the answer to the really important questions: Who won Kirstie Alley’s vote?!
http://31.media.tumblr.com/ca4475dc329430cb7083212fac3fec28/tumblr_mq6luctKP21qbo81go1_250.gif
I would assume “cake”
We also would have accepted “Food” as the correct response.
Oooo, sorry, the answer was “Little Debbie.”
“Yes, Little Debbie. No points awarded.”
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The ugliest part of this play is Carson Wentz’s stats on the bottomline, and that’s saying something.
Anyone who thinks today is going to be the end of this whole fucking mess of a campaign season, you are wrong:
http://cnn.it/2fBxjFI
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Beer and pretzels are an appropriate Election Day lunch, right?
http://replygif.net/i/967.gif
Someday you will have to speak at my wake and explain why no one ever said, “Maybe not, entropy. Maybe not.”
Fair warning, this may happen:
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/walkingdead/images/d/d1/Superhero-funeral-o.gif/revision/latest?cb=20150713184333
True, but I’ll be dead and it won’t so much to me.
I decided to heed to Fozz’s advice and now I’m fucking plastered in the middle of a school day. You don’t want to know how many times I pressed delete while writing this.
I never drank in high school, but I think being somewhat deranged probably made up for it. Just forget that whole “you can’t smell vodka” bullshit and keep some kind of breath mint on hand.
No one will know because I’m still smarter than everyone while I’m fucked up. Not bragging, just being honest.
God I sounded like an asshole there. But it’s true, I try to justify why someone else might be smarter than me (out of everyone in my grade) but I really can’t.
It’s all good, you sounded just fine.
(I’m pretty sure internet Dad added the math test to the login so we’d stop being so insufferably elitist around here)
I had a hard time with that yesterday for the same reason I’d have a hard tiem with it now
“Teenage asshole? Sign me up!”
-J. Sandusky
He’s only into kids 12 and under.
Yeah, I’ve gone the I AM BETTER THAN YOU route while drunk. During AND after falling on my ass.
Oh no, it’s not a drunk thing. The drunkeness is just what’s making me say it, as it is something I’d say while sober to someone who actually knew me.
According to a friend who was an alcoholic in his youth, chocolate works better.
See? This is my defense of millenials. It used to be that parents just had to warn there kids like, “I know you think Uncle Larry is cool but he’s just trying to be funny. Don’t seriously get drunk and go to school. That shit is serious. Also, stay about from those School-Zero boys, they’re bad news.”
But now it’s like kids are taking suggestions from people on the internet FROM BALTIMORE! And then you wonder why they all want to do a #mannequinchallenge of them in the booth voting for #BirdieSanders!
Semen defenses do have several proponents
My rationalization for doing this is that it’s an election day, so AMERICA and shit.
It’s why I opened my first beer at the crack of sparrowshit this morning.
(Just because you got a late start in life drinking alcohol, doesn’t mean you have to get a late start every day)
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/87Ju8Jrucb7kA.gif
“Yes, yes…THAT’S how I walk to the podium to accept victory tonight.”
– President-Elect Hillary Clinton
Raiders: “Rollin’, rollin’ rollin,’ keep them doggies rollin’, rawhide…..”
I first heard this in my head as Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin (Air Raid Vehicle)”
Now I want to punch myself in the face for referring to Limp Bizkit.
Kelce: And thus ended the fourteenth-least sexy strip-off that Kansas City has ever seen.
http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/hpGThvO8eP2I8.gif
“Damn, I wish receivers were that sure-handed when I threw fish on crossing routes sixty-six in Flagstaff Arizona it’s kind of a dry heat had that scene in the coffee shop hey that omelette looks good on you though”
– Trent Green
http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/NOAhmYbSlZTUI.gif
Kelce: (throws towel)
Back Judge: (throws hat)
Referee: (throws flag)
Andy Reid: (throws up breakfast ribs)
Please, Andy Reid would never throw up breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner.
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Oh that guy’s being a real jerk off.
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Jaguras Announcer: “And it looks like the Jaguars’ fortunes have…”
*thud of mic drop, feedback whine*
“Fuck this.”
*Press box door slams in background, silence*
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“I haven’t had my hand in something that smelled like this since*
\\cuts to test pattern
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“I’m Out of Order?! You’re Out of Order! You’re Out of Order! The whole game’s Out of Order!”
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/12QQWQT5ZwavQs.gif
“I knew having vanilla yogurt instead of my usual plain yogurt would throw my game off.”
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/12QQWQT5ZwavQs.gif?resize=480%2C270
“Hey, do you think we could sign Tebow for a few days to teach this shithead how to slide?”
-Fozz
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/129PnATag34lna.gif?resize=480%2C270
Black flags matter, and are cool if you’re white.
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/om4Cwp94vgEjm.gif?resize=480%2C270
Hey, fellas, could I get a block here. Oh, thanks Browns.
http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/hpGThvO8eP2I8.gif?resize=480%2C480
“What’s the catch of the day?”
-Restaurant patron
“Here it is.”
-Moss
http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/13k3FAiQb5AaFq.gif
“Oops, that’s not Cam.”
In The United Saints of America, huge boobs always reign supreme.
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/129PnATag34lna.gif
*singing (off key, slightly mumbled)
“Senators, congressmen, puppets on a string
Among the windswept vagabonds Jim Tomsula was the king
The last of the hobo kings, the last of the hobo kings”
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/87Ju8Jrucb7kA.gif
“Aw, YEAH! Play that Gangnam Style! Get lit!”
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/om4Cwp94vgEjm.gif
Ol’DubbleJ: “I TOLD YOU, HE’S A GOTT-DAMNED STAR!”
Drone: “That’s still not Tony.”
Ol’DubbleJ: *looks up from motor-boatin’ two hookers* “YEEEEHHAAWWWW, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!11!!!”
http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/NOAhmYbSlZTUI.gif
“Anything you can throw, I can throw better, I can throw anything better than you.”
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/129PnATag34lna.gif
Woman with flag: I’m Cuban, B!
Guy dancing: Yes! Cuban B.
I am now stuck trying to decide if I am too nervous about waiting for election results to watch Westworld. I know I can’t work today. Maybe try to read? WHY IS THERE NO TUESDAY MORNING FOOTBALL, COMMISSIONER GOODELL??
Saw a tweet suggesting going right into Christmas Pandora after turning off election coverage. America is moving to the point where we’ll only have Christmas season and it will be interrupted every couple years for violent campaigning.
I’d rather have another goddamned week of political ads than MOAR early Xmas music/ads. I really don’t understand Americans sometimes.
“I really don’t understand Americans sometimes.”
– Hillary Clinton
#MAKEAMERICAGREATAGAIN
For the record, I love campaign ads. I wish there was a campaign ad Pandora station.
When I work out in an hour I will literally be watching the Raiders game in its entirety all over again.
http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/hpGThvO8eP2I8.gif?resize=480%2C480
Randy Moss is smiling because he always wanted to be known as a “Monday Night Countdown ‘personality'” rather than a Hall of Fame WR who pantomimed dropping his pants on national television.
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/87Ju8Jrucb7kA.gif?resize=480%2C270
What are you doing, Happy, riding a bull? You’re acting like a damn fool!
#1 – That’s sad, he prolly don’t even remember that he’s a rapist no more ,, smh
#2 – Man, Tim Meadows is NOT aging well. OR GRACEFULLY.
#3 (as I said during Rivebrog) – THAT’S SO JAGURA(s)!! /funnier when Raven(s) do it
#4 – WHITE PPL! Do the humpty hump! Just keep on doin’ the hump!
#5 – Oh, I smell a Bob Costas lecture comin’ /cut to Tony Dungy giving maximum Skeletor glare
#6 – Great, now I will have the Benny Hill theme stuck in my head all day. FACK YOU, Blax.
#7 – Ah, sir, challenge YEW to a DEWWWWEL!!!!
#8 – In case anyone has forgotten, this is your weekly reminder that, yes indeed, Randy Moss is totes a redneck. He later cleaned and gutted that there sucker with just what he had in his pockets. That’s good eatin’ with some cornbread and greens.
Randall Gary Moss, Esq. is one of the best persons ever! I will not tolerate dissent.
Howevah, I wish he didn’t try to run over a meter violation… Person?
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/a63125af-ec67-43d4-9438-a5da22174876
I may not even try this week, these are all so good…
\sad trombone plays
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They see me rollin’, they hatin’
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Oh, so THAT’s how you open crab legs
Jacksonville: If you know the name of the player hilariously ruining the interception for Prince Amakamura, press ONE.
Jameis Winston: “Well, someone has to stop him – he’s certainly not going to stop himself.”
– Falcons defensive coordinator OR Tallahassee SVU detective – YOU MAKE THE CALL!
I like that Bucs games (or, more likely, bye week summaries) are a choose your own mystery story.
But one of the hard ones, like Jewels of Nabooti where terrible tragedies seem to happen on every page.
Cowboys: There’s a “YEEEEHAAAAAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY” joke in here somewhere but I don’t feel like looking for it.
Saints fan: He was probably the most sober person in the frame.
Kelce: I half expected someone to pull a dildo out of their ass and throw it at the ref.