Season In the Abyss: The Last Packer Capers of Captain BlueBunny

Shogun Marcus

Shogun Marcus

Resides in a state of arrested development on the Midwest Coast. Other than his wife, has little use for most humans. He’s never slept more than 3 consecutive hours. The voices won’t allow him rest so he types them out to help authorities understand why. Why what? You’ll know…one day.
Shogun Marcus

Image result for sinking ship

“Hey Shogun Marcus, what’s with the Captain BlueBunny?”

First of all, who are you, who sent you, and how do you know my name? Actually I don’t care. Sit down and tell me if this rag smells like ether. All good? Ok.

Captain BlueBunny is my name for Mike McCarthy. Blue Bunny is a midwest ice cream brand. The name was born two summers ago during training camp. Then Future Lady Shogun was working at the stadium on a weekend shooting commercials for her employer, a top-level sponsor with several players on the payroll. During the lunch break Lady Shogun was enjoying the weather walking through the gated player/coach lot where what should she see? A certain coach, huddled in his Suburban/Yukon whatever guiltily mowing down ice-cream sammiches away from prying, judging eyes like he was waiting for his underage craigslist hookup to arrive. This was also the one and only (at least from what my limited research reveals) year the apparel store had what can only be described as old-timey Gorton’s fisherman rain hats. The coaching staff wore them for one preseason game, which appropriately had a storm and goldang it if McCarthy didn’t look like Fat Ahab. So there you go.

Now what of this year. Well if I’m going to stick with the boat metaphors, Captain Bluebunny is trying to slalom a garbage barge like a powerboat through an ice field blindfolded while his first mate (that’d be DC Capers) directs him using the pop-o-matic from Trouble. In years past the crew has been strong enough to overcome some of the more Valdez-ian decisions. Not so much this year. Injury has been an exceptionally cruel mistress and the crew have been steadily diving off for the relative safety of passing icebergs. The crew is now largely comprised of swabbies whose nautical knowledge consists of water is wet and boats float. To wit:

The leading rusher is the franchise quarterback. Running for your life will do that. The AVN awards have fewer holes than the O-Line. There is no running game. At all. Receiver-wise you’ve got Jordy on first year back with new ligaments, Cobb who has some sort of mystery ailment (hammy) that keeps him suited up but why bother, and Adams who’s either brilliant or born without arms. They and the tight ends (whoever the hell they are) all couldn’t run routes even if the templates were displayed on the field like in Madden.

Then there’s the defense. For years now I’ve been stunned at all the adulation and hushed respect Dom Capers has gotten. I’m sorry, I know he’s seen as some sort of mystic guru of defending ball entry, but I’ve just never seen it. There’s been sparks of brilliance, but nothing firestarting. Genuinely good starting talent is getting killed and squandered under his watch. The run defense started strong, but is being ground to dust. You couldn’t identify the secondary even if they were legally required to knock on your door if they moved next door. The linebackers are exhausted from having to be DB’s and safeties and so can’t get to the QB’s. Special teams was adequate for the most part until the last few weeks where they went from cromulent to speshul.

Where does this lead? Honestly I hope they don’t make the playoffs. I’ve no need to watch the same slo-mo car crash yet again. Let someone else do it. This team needs and deserves a hard slap of reality. Most of this year has been the back half of Flowers for Algernon. The pitchforks and torches are being prepped by the reasonable denizens, demanding the head of Captain Bluebunny and GM Sling Blade. I don’t share their zeal (yet). It’s been a bad year to be sure, and signs don’t point up. But scuttling the ship seems excessive. Dry-dock it for the winter and give it a thorough overhaul. Personally, sacrificing the first mate to the gods wouldn’t make me sad.

Packers 2016 Summary (borrowing from local radio): “With the 7th pick of the 2017 draft…”

/who am i kidding, sling blade would trade that for 4 7th rounders and a box of crackling oat bran.

Shogun Marcus
Shogun Marcus
Resides in a state of arrested development on the Midwest Coast. Other than his wife, has little use for most humans. He's never slept more than 3 consecutive hours. The voices won't allow him rest so he types them out to help authorities understand why. Why what? You'll know…one day.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

Quality update. LOFTY update

Beerguyrob
Member

While I respect the author, I cannot find this taek valid since there appears to be no sign of blaming the Jezebel for all of the team’s problems.

http://cover32.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Olivia-Munn2.jpg

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Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

But is she better than OLIVIA WILDE?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That would depend on your taste in women.

I’d have to taste both to make a truly informed decision.

Beerguyrob
Member
Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Fuck no

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

This I can get behind.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

Listen time for an actual hot football take from me:

This McCarthy offensive style SUCKS. I’m a Giants fan and luckily our defense has been stellar in the fourth quarter this year, because otherwise the McAdoo offense would lose us games. You totally abandon the run, you rely on quick precision passes, and you can’t protect long enough to get it deep. You don’t manage the clock. When you get in the redzone you are one dimensional. When you need to close a game out you can’t (unless you have Landon Collins). Years and years of Rodgers being near-perfect are catching up to the team. It’s stale. Hard to blame Rodgers. I mean it’s crazy to think anyone can have success with 0 threat of a running game. And your defense is a little too tired to pick up the pieces.

blaxabbath
Member

Wait wait wait — you’re telling me that the same individuals the NFL has been trotting out as the star power generating momentum for the league (to the point of rewriting the rules to optimize performances by guys like Rodgers) are now aging and no amount of tampering with the competitive structure of the game can overcome the combination of father time + defensive scheming?

Well, at least it only took 9 Weeks for the NFL’s ‘partners’ to begin recognizing Jay Ajayi.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

I can see what Blax is saying. Essentially McCarthy is trying to play by the passing direction the league’s rules are allowing. Unfortunately for the Packers, the idea of a run game hasn’t been completely phased out.

blaxabbath
Member

Bloody about nailed it. The NFL doesn’t do ‘new crop of stars’ well at all. Considering how short the average career is, it amazes me how hard they push for the same stars to stay current. Protect the QBs all you want — they’re going to age. But, aside from Andrew Luck, they haven’t welcomed a new QB into the league as “NFL Ready” in years. Granted, they embraced Kaep and Wilson, once they started showing success (on the tails of amazing defenses) but Cam has an MVP and he doesn’t even get put in the conversation with Brady/Brees/Manning(last year)/Rodgers at great QBs. Bridgewater was the QB for a SB contender (preseason) and he got less coverage than Fitzpatrick or Osweiler.

But the narrative is set. “Any day you have Aaron Rodgers, you have a chance.” Well, no. Not this year.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

Aaron Rodgers is amazing no doubt. He’s got a QBR of 73 this year. He’s already thrown 25 TD passes. Including this thing:

http://cdn0.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/1404344/omgrod.0.gif

But he might as well be Blake Bortles if you can’t close out a game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Cuntler
Member

Their defense sucks ass, and has sense about 2012.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

Sure they have, but the stale offense isn’t bailing them out anymore. How are you supposed to win a close game when you can’t gain a first down with the run?

http://www.footballoutsiders.com/stats/pacestats

Look at these breakdowns. Though GB has OK time of possession numbers at face value in 2016, when you look at splits especially regarding the second half, they’re pretty much indicative of a team that can’t go a full game. Not a lot of balance.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

“What’s this about sucking ass?”
— A. Rodgers

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Hey, let he who has not sucked ass cast the first stone!

Cuntler
Member

or since. whatever. phone.

blaxabbath
Member

Well, on the basis that I used to always read it as ‘Jerry Was A SHOTGUN Named Marcus’, I came away learning something today. I mean, name still makes no sense but at least I know you aren’t necessarily a staunch 2A supporter.

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yeah right
Member

It’s been pretty surreal with the Packers this year. As a Vikings fan no tears are being shed. They just seem apathetic and listless.
That’s generally a coaching/management change in the works.

Cuntler
Member

Yet somehow they will win the division at 8-8 and host a home playoff game.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

What kind of mpg does Lenin’s head get?

blaxabbath
Member

Put it in H!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“THAT WAS MY GOD DAMNED RESERVED SPACE, NOW LENIN GETS IT?!?!”

[in terrible Russian accent]

Cuntler
Member

Fucking communists.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I’ll admit, seeing the Packers crumble is making up for the Bears being total shit for the foreseeable future.

King Hippo
Member

I love the mental image I know have of Captain BlueBunny. Entropy should draw it.

Given Rodgers’ age, do you think they will blow up the squadron and rebuild around him, or see what kind of pretty, shiny things John Elway would offer over apples and sugar cubes??

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

Aaron Rodgers and seamen…

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised
Cuntler
Member

WHAT THE FUCK? I ALREADY DID THIS SHITTY TEAM. RESPECT THE SPREADSHEET.

/just kidding. Their bye week was super early and they had not been exposed yet. Carry on.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2016/10/04/2016-green-bay-packers-bye-week-update/

jjfozz
Member

The Ravens boat is having the same problem over here, we seem to be hitting EVERY dead body floating in the Inner Harbor.

blaxabbath
Member

“EVERY dead body floating in the Inner Harbor.”

Also known as the Baltimore voting base.

jjfozz
Member

Also known as “Burial At Sea”

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Thank you for this gem “The AVN awards have fewer holes than the O-Line.” Everytime one of my mouth breathing Trumper family members brays out how things are going to get better with the Reichmeister Cheeto in charge, I can think of this line to help me smile and choke down more mummified turkey and congealed salad with out going on a killing rampage.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have some new people I have not Thanksgivinged with and the thought of this discussion….. well, I do know there will be mostly fellow libtards there, so maybe this will be minimized.

http://68.media.tumblr.com/bfc07d6acff4005e00eb1ef4807b1993/tumblr_mt1wd6oh8M1sg9wrqo2_250.gif

Beerguyrob
Member

“…maybe this will be minimized.”

And replaced with talk about why the turkey isn’t organic, or tofu, or the whole day is racist.

Here, lemme get you started.

http://wildturkeybourbon.com/wp-content/themes/wildturkey/_img/bck_bottle.png

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not that kind of libtard, but hey.. whatever fits your narrative/ stereotype/ rationalization/ justification needs.

http://68.media.tumblr.com/e19683c1aea69bf8f0ff1b013d646a07/tumblr_o51284nLmo1t7xbg9o1_1280.jpg

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Seems appropriate for this season:
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