Have I ever told you the story of how I discovered Thanksgiving football? I have? Shut up. Who asked you, anyway? Me? I don’t know that guy. Okay-I was a young puppy that went by the name of chocolatemilknaut and I was sick as sick can be. Mommynaut propped me up on the couch in front of the tube and I dreaded watching the usual diet of game shows and soap operas that constituted day-time TV as I drifted in and out of sleep. Lo and behold! What to my wondrous eyes did appear? Football. Football most dear. It may have been Lawrence Taylor (I called him LTnaut) dismantling the Lions, I’m not sure. But a football fan was born that day, my friends. TO THE GAME!
Was/Dal-The ‘Dacteds need this game really bad. This is an assessment of the level of their alkalinity or acidity-a litmus test if you will. Can the D deal with DAK! and rb Zeke? Will The Beeze out-catch The Dez yet again? When will Old Man Witten kick everyone off his lawn? Why does cb Norman play so rough? Who is qb Cousins, really? How will wr Jackson embarrass himself this week? Will rb Kelley pile up another 100-yarder? For the answer to these and many other unasked questions, watch the freaking game! A Giants backer would have reasons to cheer for both a Cowboys or Redacteds win but myself is just looking forward to a good game. After all, it’s up to the G-Men to win and damn the other team’s results.
I’m done-SPEAK TO ME! (AND OTHERS!)
The mannequin challenge needs to die in a grain silo explosion.
I disagree, but I’m also 12 years old.
Old people kill memes….
For purely selfish reasons I sure wouldn’t mind a few more hand-offs to Fat Rob.
Just called the three year old a little shit, and she stopped running, turned to me, and said, “No, YOU’RE a little shit.”
Excellent. Teach them young.
You can’t let that go. If you don’t knock her the fuck out right now she’ll stick you in a shitty nursing home the second she gets a chance.
I am pretty sure this kid is my mother reincarnated. She scares the shit outta me.
So she’s your favorite?
Naturally.
The lack of flags in the secondary has actually been really refreshing.
Hey! If you’re going to Erin Andrews, show her godammnit!
I’ll take a peek…
My sister bought the smaller bottle of Jameson, which, all things considered was probably smart….. but it is dangerously low at this time.
Food is being served. I’ve prepared for this like Andy Reid before each meal, so I think I’ll be able to have at least fifths.
I’m gonna eat so many leftovers tomorrow!
“Tomorrow” = “in four hours.”
Nah, that’s when I’m eating the rest of the pie.
“It’ll go bad otherwise… Or something… Shut up! Don’t judge me.”
Phrasing Zymm?
I think Southwest has gotten their money’s worth outta that tiresome Journey commercial.
Straight up….any assholes showing g up at my place caroling or whatever the fuck it’s called singing at my front door, you are getting the garden hose.
For those you need whatever hose they have on the Dakota Access protesters. The carollers actually deserve it.
I’m 38 and I am about to carve my very first turkey. Why it took me this long, I’m not sure. I’ve cooked quite a few Turkey Days, but always at someone else’s house, so it was their job to carve, not mine.
Wish me luck!
/chugs Rainier
Make sure you hold the knife by the handle and NOT the blade…
Also: non-serrated blade.
Pinkie out on the rainier!
Six year old nephew is currently trying to climb an ottoman and is treating it like Everest.
it won’t be so funny when he dies of exposure when the weather changes.
He set up a base camp halfway up.
THAT’S GOOD PLANNING!
Me: /squirting whipped cream directly from can to mouth
Wife: “I saw that!”
Me: “I on’t are”
Thanksgiving whip its are the best whip its
Oh god I am so stuffed.
What’s that dear? You can’t finish that piece of apple pie and are going to throw it away?
Hand it over.
I wish the Lions and Chargers had played today because these guys, who are from Detroit, could have done a halftime show:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbIXlf22qnM
We’ve been at our grandparents’ house and I am happy to say they have football on. But it’s Europa League football. In Spanish.
GOLAZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaron Rodgers adopting all these kids only adds fuel to those rumors.
Dez Bryant saying things about family. Hmmmmmmmm.
Jeff Ireland has some questions about that.
Operation Tryptophan…ENGAGE!!!
Let me know when that audible torture is over. We switched over to the local news, so as FOX doesn’t get ratings for that liquid shit.
I’m currently most thankful for the mute button.
Seeing my dad stare at the TV trying to figure out what this shit is has been my favorite part of the holiday.
Johnny Cash just died again
He’s clawing his way from the grave to murder that Eric church fuck
Sooner or later Johnny’s gonna cut him down.
His “country twang” sounds fake
Fucking Nickelodeon theme songs have more risque lyrics….
Finger Prince?
http://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/0/2/2/28022.jpg
I have no clue who this guy is.
Is this what passes for music in Texas? Despite having likable players now, this halftime show is reigniting my Cowboys hate. SHUTTUP DOUCHE BRO COUNTRY GUY! DIE IN A FIRE!
That beard isn’t fooling anyone dude.
I’ve never heard Eric Church’s music, but I do know the disturbing sounds my middle age white female coworkers make when they hear his name.
I thought the same thing. Is this the fuckwit they get all wet over?
This music is terrible – it was better back when I thought they were making Barry Church sing at halftime
White people have ruined country music.
Seriously….Hank Williams III does thrash metal now because of you fucking honkies have no goddamned taste…
Baby sister knows who this is…… ten year old niece shouted, “this sucks!” and left the room.
The Cheerleaders cannot shake and move to this musical crap.
OH GOD MUTE MUTE MUTE MUTE CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHAT THE FUCK
I saw Pitbull in that music montage.
This pleases you I’m sure.
What is an Eric Church? Is this going to be BRO COUNTRY?
McDonalds changed Big Mac Sauce?! Is nothing sacred?!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkB-rpAUbK8
Would this be a “THANKS OBAMA” moment?
Isn’t it just 1000 island dressing?
Close. I read the ingredients when I worked there. It’s ketchup, mustard mayo onions and pickles
Halftime should just be closeups of the Dallas Cheerleaders dancing
Undressed. We’ve been good today. We need this.
Halftime Question: What’s Joe Bucks favorite sex position?
Isn’t that the broad who burned down Andre Rison’s house?
Screen skipped on me, my apologies for nonsensical comment.
Left eye Lopez? She dead.
Whatever allows him to pull his own hair.
I bet Troy has a clue.
Catcher
It seems we have reached the “cursing out cousins of cousins” portion of the evening but I still can’t speak Romanian.
So this Stars show is about the unholy fusion of the Supremes and Destiny’s Child, right?
Wait, that wasn’t a Toyota commercial?
I’m trying to figure out why Beyonce is being played by a white girl…
I’m thankful for the Muslim couple up the road that kept their store open today.
BOOM
According to the NFL’s idiotic definition of What Is A Catch, that TD shouldn’t have counted, right?
/Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Have we reached “tired of Jennifer Lawrence” yet? I have, even though: yes, she is a great actress. I don’t wanna reach “tired of Chris Pratt” though, he’s all good.
Commentists, I just got back from the radiologists, the will be LeTaviusishaw Cola!
HAIL LeTaviusishaw!
BRING BACK JIM!
Now THAT was a catch.
Jeebus, that was a great catch
Holy fuck that TD catch….
If it was Dez….it’s not a catch.