You can take the states of Meeeechigan and Ohio and use them exclusively for nuclear waste storage for all I care. Oh, and I guess to hold the collective ESPN commentator ejaculate.

Anyway, Burnley host Man City to kick your Saturday off. You can watch while pretending to have resolve to get up early and get on that treadmill/exercise bike (7:30, NBCSN). You get a terrible, unspeakable game on NBCSN in the 10:00 window, watch Leicester/Middlesbrough on CNBC instead.

5th position Spurs invade top of the table Chelski at 12:30, and it rightly gets big boy NBC coverage. This is the match of the weekend, and a true test of whether Chelski have the mettle of a potential champion. Tottenham usually do quite poorly here, but this is a different caliber side than most of the past decade-plus.

CNBC start Sunday with a drab double-header of Watford/Stoke (7:00) and Arsenal/Bornemoth (9:15). At least the latter is a grudge match between Horatio and yeah right!

The real action is in the 11:30 window, with NBCSN taking Manure hosting West Ham, with Mourinho trying to pull himself out of a death spiral against an equally desperate side that surprisingly finds itself just clear of the relegation zone. On CNBC, 7th position Everton visit 11th place Soton, who will look to provide a rude welcome to their former manager, Ronald Koeman. Everton are in very poor form at present, so…blech.

Georgia Tech at Georgia (Noon, SECN)

This game is underrated in the intensity of the hatred it produces/involves, but it will be nigh unwatchable this year due to the Bees’ offensive style and the Dawgs’ offensive ineptitude. The latter is largely due to youth, though. GT is abandon all hope, ye who enter here…

Kentucky at Louisville (Noon, ESPN)

They moved this “always used to be Labor Day Weekend” fixture to the end of the season, presumably to make fans more confused as to why this isn’t a basketball game.

Michigan at Ohio State (Noon, ABC)

HantaAIDS FOAR all.

Mississippi State at Ole Miss (3:30, SECN)

Johnny Reb needs this Egg Bowl (coo coo ka-choo!!) to qualify for a shitty bowl bid, thanks to their hilarious loss at Vandy. The Cowbells just aim to fuck shit up, which is always fun in a rivalry game.

Auburn at Alabama (3:30, CBS)

Iron Bowl! A game Roll Damn Time could conceivably lose! No wait, Bama’s at home. Try again next year, War Damn Eagle.

Notre Dame at USC (3:30, ABC)

Because laughing at Brian Kelly is really, really fun.

Utah at Colorado (7:30, Fox)

Buffs go to the Pac 12 title game with a win. Otherwise, SC gets it.

South Carolina at Clemson (7:30, ESPN)

The Chickens are pretty meh, but stabilized a little bit late, as the Tiggers have wobbled. Minor upset potential is present.

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (7:30, SECN)

Vandy can also get into a shit bowl with a win over a rival, and the Vols have little to play for other than maintaining their .950-ish all-time record over the sad sack Commodores. Again, minor upset potential is present.

Florida at Florida State (8:00, ABC)

I see nothing compelling in this “spotlight” game whatsoever.