Your “The Carolina Panthers Lay Down With The Lambs” Monday Night Football Open Thread

This is it. It’s your next-to-last Monday Nighter of the season. To be honest, I don’t recall many of them but that’s just the way I dementia, er, roll. Far back in the day when I tended bar in a dining room spot, every Monday myself and all the male servers would turn away sit-down customers at 8pm and tell them that “Sorry, we’re done for the night but there’s a bar menu on the second floor”. One millisecond after the last table had left I was cashing out and running over to a bar by the name of “Tramps”. (the running joke at the time was that the owners were our ex-girlfriends-we were so clever back then) The shine has been off the rose for many a year now but some residue remains. I still get slightly pumped at the thought of a football game, any football game really, being played. I hope that many of you sorta, kinda feel that way as well. TO THE GAME!

Car/Was-The Panthers aren’t tanking but lb Kuechley is not playing despite being cleared from concussion whatchamacallit. As well, wr Benjamin will be in a limited role and de Johnson is not playing ce soir and most likely won’t be donning cleats for the remainder of the year. I wholeheartedly agree with this from both the player and the team’s perspective. Just let shit unfold, guard that draft spot and let the injured guys have some time off. Needless to say, many of the many injured Redacted players are being hustled back onto the field because of the possibility of getting to the next round. Rb Kelley should have his way with a broken down D-line that is still able to get to the qb but still gives up 3.7 ypc. If you have the slightest amount of interest in this game you’ve already come across numerous, “IT’S ALL ABOUT JOSH NORMAN PLAYING HIS OLD TEAM” articles so I’ll let that be.

That’s about it. TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT!

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am losing my FF playoff game tonight. There is no way I can come back at this point. What is bugging me now is I don’t know who I am losing to. I think it is Sky Goddess. We have like 6 women on here I should be able to remember who is who at least on that gender.

Unsurprised

Six?

Dok, CB, TSK, and …?

Senor Weaselo

Uhhh… Dok, CB, TSK, IWDB, that one time Lady Shogun posted, and, uh, Debbie Harry?

Unsurprised

I guess Lady Snow counts, too.

Unsurprised

TSG. Whatever.

Col. Duke LaCross

Kelley caught all three passes thrown his way for 40 yards and change. Thompson has three drops. Jay Gruden can choke on all the dicks.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

He has kept the time honored tradition of Shanahanigans alive and well in DC.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello

Welp. I will take my leave and trundle off to bed. Later, Taters!

http://i.imgur.com/6Q8qunQ.gif

Work awaits me in the morning.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Night sir. Love the gif FTR

Mr. Ayo

If that was Cam, he would have gotten a personal foul for roughing the pretty white girl.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

To be fair; she should keep it shaved close or let it grow out. Stubble chin burn sucks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, wait…. you meant…. never mind.

WCS

So, uh, Carolina’s gonna blow this like a gubernatorial election, huh?

Unsurprised

I can’t even make a good Brady fellating joke anymore. NFL is just depressing as fuck.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The chick getting married in the Navy Federal commercial is pretty hot. It doesn’t make the commercial any less bearable to watch when it is on every single commercial break.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

any more* Sorry, drunk

Croooow

Shanklor doesn’t care about your precious historical percentages.

WCS

PRAISE BE TO SHA’NKHOR

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My legit stream is delayed. Thanks for the spoiler!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Since the song got used as an ad for a game. I have to post the much better version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FaPU5AZU_s

Senor Weaselo

Oh Karen Gillan, why aren’t you in all the shows?

Unsurprised
Sharkbait

Since I’m watching a version of a Christmas Carol instead of the game, informal poll time.

Best Scrooge:
Michael Caine
George C. Scott
Patrick Stewart
McDuck

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Bill Murray

Shogun Marcus

^^^, McDuck being #2

Sharkbait

Can’t believe I forgot him on the list.

LemonJello

Buddy Hackett
comment image

Unsurprised
WCS

Just your daily reminder that Ted Ginn, Jr. is still Ted Ginn, Jr.

LemonJello

When they perfect the hand transplant, he needs to be at the head of the line.

Dunstan

JPP disapproves.

Unsurprised

He’d just drop them

Unsurprised

http://thumbnails116.imagebam.com/47916/308832479158026.jpg

I wonder why Ginn Coins never caught o— Oh …

Croooow

Jordan Reed for Least.

Col. Duke LaCross

I’ll second that. Fuck that guy with a shit-tipped trident.

Senor Weaselo

I spent several hours with my grandparents and just got home. So how were your days?

LemonJello
Beerguyrob

My day was spent listening to construction workers yammer about rebuilding my tv room and spare bathroom. I bided my time hate-typing about Michael Flynn, ergo the post.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I got in touch with my sisters maid of honor today under the guise of sharing wedding photos. I really want to just flirt with her and I could using normal tactics but it is my sisters best friend so I have to walk a line of pretending I am not just hitting on her. Not liking it. I want to harass her about wearing a sundress in -15 weather and how hot that is.

Mr. Ayo

Your sister wants you to be happy.

Unsurprised

What’s the worst that happens? Your sister gets mad at you? Big fucking deal.

Senor Weaselo

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT.

Unsurprised

You too, kiddo

Senor Weaselo

(Read as: Do it or give me her info and watch me crash and/or burn in an almost tragic but let’s be real HILARIOUS manner. But preferably DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT.)

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m in agreement. Bang sister’s friend in a sundress in -15 temps.
OK, my reading comprehension might be off, but I think I got the important parts right.

Unsurprised

That sounds awesome. Go out like a fucking hero.

Dunstan

Ah, makes me nostalgic for the days of the fantasy football/sex advice column.
Just ask her nicely and use plenty of lube.

Unsurprised

Speaking of eating lead chips, I wonder how JustStopDude is doing. Hopefully, he’s well lubricated by now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

NFL Magic: It was a great week for FG’s. We did really good with FG’s this week.

LemonJello

“It’s called football, right?”

-some smug asshole NFL executive

Unsurprised

May all his pizza be uneaten.

LemonJello

Stewart channeling Beef Moe on those last couple of runs.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Cam Newton is one tough motherflubber. Dude has my respect, no shit.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Welp, this game has me breaking out the mezcal…

comment image

LemonJello

At first glance, I thought there was a 3rd stage Guild Navigator in that bottle.

\I may have had too much to drink tonight

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

That Gamefly commercial has made me hate their company. I used to just ignore them, now I hate them.

WCS

Do I dare ask which one?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Tux jackets and shorts lottery winning dickbags

LemonJello

Can we beat them with the severed limbs of the hipster douche-canoe in the Virginia Lottery commercials?

LemonJello

Cam should just start targeting each of the officials on the field and drilling each one of them in the nuts for the remainder of the game.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

There was no one within 30 yards of that throw. I think he should do your thing too, but that was the right call.

LemonJello

The call was the right one, but the ref targeting came to me while I watched a fucking d-lineman all but beg for the flag.

jjfozz

When the Colts left town, they tried shoving the fucking [*Redacted] s down our collective throats and we said, “Fuck you and fuck DC and fuck you again, NFL.”

So I am happy whenever they lose.

Also, Skins fans are pretentious, obnoxious, and super white trashy.

Also, one of the fans that I know on FB once taunted me because we lost to the Skins in a preseason game. He is a gigantic dicknut.

theeWeeBabySeamus

When the Colts amscrayed, Dad briefly drank the ‘Skins koolaid. Coupla games into that next season and he’s rooting for the fucking deadskins. DAD I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE!!!!!!!

That pretty much took care of that. Sometimes we have to dish out some tough love.

theeWeeBabySeamus

As an aside….that was also when I became a Stillers’ fan for the next 15 years (and yes even now, but don’t tell my Ravens friends).

theeWeeBabySeamus

I even own a Kordell Stewart Steelers Jersey. No shit….would anyone ever admit to that if it weren’t true?????????

theeWeeBabySeamus

Haha….I really thought the Panthers would find a way to fuck that up.

Sharkbait

I think we all know who runs the @loadedsanta account:

https://twitter.com/loadedsanta/status/809464462230966272

...

I’m totally stealing from a previous banner quote, but… it wouldn’t be the holiday season without Cousins fucking things up.

Sharkbait

comment image

LemonJello

What kind of torture porn aficionado thinks Berman, Steven A. & Max are something ANYONE wants to listen to at halftime?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Goodell is telling all the networks to see how bad they can make the experience for viewers before people stop watching

LemonJello

He really is a Goddamned National Disgrace.

Unsurprised

Roger Goodell is a national disgrace

WCS

...

The underappreciated part of this is that he decided he needed to do drugs to deal with a Jets game.

Recovery Whiskey

Ah, the Andy Reid Ice Myself call. A classic.

Croooow

Berman’s “jokes” haven’t left 1994.

LemonJello

Much like his cholesterol.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Well, now that I’m done working out, time to undo all of that with a shower-beer.

See you guys after halftime’s mercifully over.

Recovery Whiskey

Next up: The Worst Three Minutes In Sports

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The one time I am happy about my addiction to cigs so I get to go outside.

LemonJello

What is, “Comments my girlfriend made in high school?”

-LemonJello

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

God damnit Cam. I need all the Olsen points I can get.

litre_cola

DTZM made a good point last night, the product just isn’t that good this year. Thank Shankor I have this site to keep me somewhat sane.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I’ve seen a few comments talking about Zymm in the third person. Is she at the game or just mocking her because of her terrible choice in team allegiance?

...

She told me she had a ticket, so I presume she’s there.

Dunstan

Inside the Marketing Department of Dos Equis Brewery:

Boss: Ok, team, our “Most Interesting Man Alive” campaign had a good run, but now it’s time to move on to something new. Whaddaya got?

Millenial version of Don Draper: Uh, fuck it, how about we do the exact same thing, except with a slightly younger guy. Oh, and instead of “stay thirsty, my friends,” he says “stay thirsty, mes amigos”!

Boss: Brilliant! Cocaine and strippers for everyone!

Recovery Whiskey

“Boomer’s Final Drive” had me thinking his arteries finally clogged shut for good.

LemonJello

I’m hoping they’re taking him in a limo out to some abandoned lot outside Bristol, putting two hollow points into his skull, coating the bloated putrid corpse in lye and burying it deep.

Recovery Whiskey

As luck would have it I had to be in EST for the last SNF Seattle game. Football up past midnight. Idk how you east coast fuckers do it

theeWeeBabySeamus

As a home viewer, arguably with disorientation, I am in favor of this new medical check your head policy thingy.
That is all.

Unsurprised

Gee, Ape. I wonder.

How can the NFL so consistently fail to protect one of its biggest stars even after he had a well-publicized meeting with the commissioner?— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) December 20, 2016

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even Shan’khor is disgusted with this officiating crew.

Beerguyrob

BLEERGH, however, is quite pleased.

LemonJello

All praises to our fickle goddess!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I need like 4 more TD’s from either Kelley or Olsen to pull off my FF playoff game

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Hey, me too!

Let’s get drunk about it!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Already working on it

theeWeeBabySeamus

Piece o’ cake.

Claymaker

I’d be in the same boat but benched Kelley for Rawls. Olsen has me within 40!

/Bleach

Col. Duke LaCross

I’ll always approve of Ghost on bumper music.

litre_cola

It has to be pretty bad when a bunch of us slap dicks who don’t even like Cam Newton are outraged by the bias against him.

Beerguyrob

I’d like to thank everyone for the help on the next “Better know a Trump Appointee” piece.

Mr. Ayo

My pleasure

theeWeeBabySeamus

I didn’t do shit….
So…you’re welcome, anytime.

...

Today’s piece was actually quite calm and collected considering that most of his appointees are downright terrifying if you care about society and people that aren’t you and your immediate offspring.

Unsurprised

*Whew*

For a second you had me worried.