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2016 Quotables (Week 17 – Submissions)

blaxabbath

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A couple final notes as we end the highlights for nearly two-thirds of the league (take note of this important figure, the NBA). I know we see a lot of familiar faces/uniforms on Quotables each week and I’d just like to give props to Khalil Mack and Julio Jones, who seem to regularly make the cusp of the highlights but rarely (if ever) get posted on Tuesdays. These dudes are both studs and, as modern America would rather watch a train wreck than a professional in their craft, these dudes are fucking artists (and good guys, by NFL standards) and I’d take either on my team any day. Also, Aqib Talib is a fucking punk.

Ok – your all’s turn!

Bills ST Blocker #84 (O'Leary) touches zero Jets players on this 70 yard onside kick touchdown.
Bills ST Blocker #84 (O’Leary) touches zero Jets players on this 70 yard onside kick touchdown.
I love Michelle as much as the next fan but this kid doesn't need to be stealing my moves.
I love Michelle as much as the next fan but this kid doesn’t need to be stealing my moves (with similar success).
David Johnson' brief career as a player with two legs was fun to watch. Fuck you, Travelin' Rams.
David Johnson’ brief career as a player with two legs was fun to watch (fuck you, Travelin’ Rams).
Matt Barkley is the ultimate in gimmickly-used quarterbacking.
Matt Barkley is the ultimate in gimmickly-used quarterbacking.
You all know I try to avoid including the P*tr**ts on Quotables but this was a pretty fantastic block by ex-officer Jim Lahey.
You all know I try to avoid including the P*tr**ts in Quotables but this was a pretty fantastic block by ex-officer Jim Lahey.
Matt McGloin takes a hit like a spider that just got shot with a direct blast of Raid
Matt McGloin takes a hit like a spider that just got shot with a direct blast of Raid.
Even if they beat Detroit, when they go on the road, Seattle becomes the Legion of Yakety Sax
Even if they beat Detroit, when they go on the road, Seattle becomes the Legion of Yakety Sax.
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Curse of Marino

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Michael Floyd effortlessly recreates Ronda Rousey’s last career match

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Playoff quotables will be for all the marbles.

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Unsurprised

But then what’s Emmitt Smith supposed to keep in his mouth?

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Beerguyrob

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McGloin got hit in his McGlavin.

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sunrisesunrise

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“…as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror…”
-fantasy owners sensing the destruction of Johnson’s career

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sunrisesunrise

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That block was a tuna net. An indiscriminate dolphin killer.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Matt McGloin? More like DRAT, MY GROIN!

Get the cart.

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LemonJello

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“Touchdown Seahawks.”

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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And so begins the offseason argument in the Windy City that Cameron Meredith is a better quarterback than Jay Cutler.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

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A sellout

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Looks good to me!”

— D. Spanos

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blaxabbath

This was the shot of this Sunday’s Week 17 game entering the 4th. Of course, the Rams were being blown out by this point so I only wonder why those who did stay, elected to not move down to better seats.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

“Um, moving closer to see the Rams play doesn’t really make the seats better.”

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Beerguyrob

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“The Vikings could only use their ‘Polio formation’ once Jay Cutler had been declared ineligible.”

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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“I could’ve done that.”
–Rex and/or Rob Ryan

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Anonymous source Skip Jelly told Jay Glazer that the Niners head coach had been emphasizing special teams all week in practice

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montythisseemsstrangetome

The name Skip Jelly is making me laugh more than it really warrants.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well it’s obviously not Andy Reid making a sandwich.

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blaxabbath

Or wings.

Have you have peanut butter buffalo wings? I did, in Savannah, and they included jelly. They were awesome.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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He had so much fun out there, Brett Favre’s penis grew .2mm that day

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Shouldn’t have been wearing a dick chain

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LemonJello

“A dick chain? Tell me more.”
-A. Rodgers

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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“How can you call these games meaningless when a player has his career flash before his eyes?”

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LemonJello

“Trent Green told me that had happened to him on multiple occasions.”

-Trent Green

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Bloody Lethal

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Been outta the lineup too long. This could be our next big break! – Tony Romo’s back

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I heard that if you put the Buttfumble album on and play it in reverse what happens will totally blow your mind.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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Dave Toub is rolling over in his grave after seeing this.

/ I refuse to believe he is alive and in KC.

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LemonJello

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“Who knew a play called ‘Roger Goodell is a National Disgrace’ would result in a touchdown?”

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Bloody Lethal

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(Changes the channel HARD)

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Bloody Lethal

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The b-roll footage for the eventual 30 for 30 on Rex ruining teams kinda just creates itself huh?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So kind of random but while at the movies with my wife last night the Geico sleeping beauty commercial played.

I almost bit my tongue off resisting making the comment that “obviously that so-called Prince is not a Stanford man.”

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Bloody Lethal

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Teammate: Hey man, why’d you snap that so long?? Almost put it in the stands.

Long Snapper: Don’t you know the 12th Man is really a part of this team?

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montythisseemsstrangetome

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David Johnson Pepsi Commercial: “This must be what it feels like when that Def Leppard drummer gets in a car accident.”

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LemonJello

Def Leppard drummer: “Nope. Fuck that. He ded.”

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King Hippo

I can laugh now that I know it’s just an MCL sprain and he won’t need surgery. YAY, I don’t have to quit fantasy after all.

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LemonJello

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“THIS PLAY I CALL SHITTING IN THE WOODS BECAUSE THE BEARS DO IT AND IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE IN THE NFL.”

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ballsofsteelandfury

Detroit kid’s ‘GF’, “Shit! He actually did it! Now I have to go to the dance with him!”

Please note this is the PG version of this joke.

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LemonJello

Does the non-PG version go something like:

Teenage girl: “Well, guess I’m getting fingerblasted after the dance in Timmy’s basement now.”

\asking for a friend

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Bloody Lethal

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Meanwhile the other Bears QB, Jay Cutler, caught a flu from his dirty non-vaccinated children.

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LemonJello

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“I thought these Westworld robots were designed to take more punishment than this.”

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montythisseemsstrangetome

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Garrett: “Ok fine, now can we get Sanchez in there before this guy breaks his back again?”

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LemonJello

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Overheard in the visiting owner’s box:
“I TOLD YEW, HE’S A GOTT-DAMNNED STAR!”
*muffled female voice*
“NOBODY TOLD YEW TA STAHP. YEEEEEEHHHHAAAWWWW, I AM FUCKIN’ CRAZY!”

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Fronkenshteen

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THIS LITTLE BASTARD HERE, I CALL HIM BIG RED GUM, BECAUSE HE STARTS OUT HOT AS A FIRECRACKER, RUNS OUT OF FLAVOR TOO SOON, AND THEN YOU WANT FLIP HIM INTO THE TRASH.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s okay, we’ll fix it in post.

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...

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The Bears were deeply disappointed to discover that inverting your passer-receiver combination does not allow you to invert your win-loss count.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Leave it to the guy from Boston to assume that the white guy clutching something and running away from pursuers as fast as he can is somehow the one who needs assistance.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I think the Vikings were less confused by this trick play than by the fact that the Chicago Bears had somehow gotten into their red zone.

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Fronkenshteen

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Hey! Now they’re BOTH going to have to blow into a tube to get their cars to drive!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Goddamnit, I really liked mine (see above). But how am I supposed to compete with this?

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Fronkenshteen

Never got out of the greys on Deadspin once!
I love this place.

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Unsurprised

Yours made me laugh out loud in Starbucks like an idiot, if that’s any consolation.

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King Hippo

I laughed, I cried, I MAY have peed a little

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JerBear50

As did #36.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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When I planned this I thought Erin Andrews was gonna be the sideline reporter

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Unsurprised

If that were true, he’d be hiding behind something and peeking out; and that wave at the end would be a very different gesture.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Ah yes, the curse of appearing on the cover of Electronic Arts’ video game franchise “Legs of Steel” strikes yet again.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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Pictured: Forgotten team “legend” allowed a farewell game where the other team doesn’t try so he can have one last bit of glory

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Unsurprised

Jesus

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ArmedandHammered

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Looks like for game film Jim Lahey was watching tape from Taijai, Japan.

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ArmedandHammered

Taiji, not Taijai, stupid neuropathy. Will there ever be an edit function for comments?

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JerBear50

Yeah, we need an edit button!!! Get on it D̶r̶e̶w̶ U̶M̶ C̶a̶p̶ A̶p̶e̶ DTZM!

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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I had 12 turnovers as a QB in 3 weeks but the Bears are really short at receiver so I got a job next year! Time to splurge on that used 1996 Honda Accord I’ve been eyeing.

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LemonJello

“

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LemonJello

Try this again:

“Not so fast there, buddy.”
-Bears Front Office

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SonOfSpam

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“Matt McGloin takes a hit like a spider that just got shot with a direct blast of Raid.”

Huh. Blax’s caption can’t be improved upon.

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Unsurprised

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Even though it’s been abandoned by the powers that be, life flourishes in Romobyl

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Unsurprised

“Matt Barkley is the ultimate in gimmickly-used quarterbacking.”

He had lots of practice at USC

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SonOfSpam

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First catch by a USC quarterback since Mark Sanchez and herpes.

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Unsurprised

God damn it. I just spit out my coffee.

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Unsurprised

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Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you forever.

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Unsurprised

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Damn it, Eli.

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JerBear50

“Goddammit Abbey, come get your idiot husband!”

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