Your “My Kingdom For An Adequate QB!” Raiders/Texans Wildcard Battle Open Thread

Oak/Hou– If you’re a fan of defenses making signal-callers look silly, have I got a game for you. The Raiders rook Connor Cook doesn’t have much of a CV pro-wise-in his only game he threw at a 66.7% rate with one TD and one INT. That one score was to Amari Copper though. Looking back on his career at Michigan State he seems to be a pocket guy with a fair amount of accuracy. If said pocket collapses, don’t expect him to gallivant down the field. As a junior he had his highest rushing avg. which was a paltry 1.5. His strength (aside from a massive arm) appears to be his ability to go through his reads and prevent the old “happy feet” from manifesting themselves. Recently-named All-Pros lb McKinney, lb Mercilus and combo lb/de Clowney should be able to get to Cook. Mercilus and Clowney between them had an astounding 60 pressures. The Houston D ranked 2nd in the league in pass defense and of the guys mentioned above, the oldest is 26. Further good news for them is that lt Donald Penn “Protector of the Blind Side”, has been ruled out of the game.

On t’udder side of the field is the 72 million dollar throwing disaster Brock Osweiler. Looking at the many and varied stats available for the qb position I couldn’t find Brocky occupying a position any better than 27th. I found a few that had him ranked 33rd and 34th as well. You made the right choice, Elway. Houston’s O-such as it is-scored a meager 23 TD’s all year long-that’s dead last for those that can count. Hopefully rb Miller hit the weight room hard during his two game injury absence because he’s gonna have to carry the O on his shoulders and legs-I’m sure he gets 25+ carries today. If Osweiler must go to the air he’ll be dealing with a Raiders secondary (none of whom I recognize, okay maybe Demps) that has held Stafford, Rivers, Rogers and Luck to 235 yards or less. They should get at least two picks during this tilt.

It sure looks like an old-timey ‘possession is everything-win with D-heavy on the run game-don’t turn the ball over’ sort of footballing game. Sure they’ll be some play-action heaving of the ball downfield here and there but not much.

This is our first playoff game of the new year-HAVE AT IT, BOYS AND GIRLS!!!

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herodotus450

Lamarr Miller really got the newest issue of Harper’s on that play.

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I find myself really, really rooting for Osweiler to fail and he’s not and I’m angry about it.

The Maestro

Anyone with a tattoo with as egregious a grammar mistake as this one deserves to fail for the rest of their life.

http://dailysnark.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Screen-Shot-2016-03-17-at-12.23.26-PM.png

jjfozz

Oakland, it’s called defense. Try it out.

LemonJello

Which college bowl game is this again?

jjfozz

The Bend Over and Hold Your Ankles Bowl – sponsored by KY Jelly and the American Association of Proctologists

Dunstan

I believe Aaron Rodgers was once the MVP of that game.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Lamar Miller isn’t even in my top three Lamars

http://i54.tinypic.com/6rpsn8.jpg

rockingdog

Jim Plunkett looked sad. Why isnt he sitting with his friends?

Redshirt

Its nice watching the playoffs with no fear of my team embarrassing me. On the field, that is.

WCS

CHUH CHUH

fleshwound_NPG

oh yea…crabtree

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As someone in a bizarre pick one player from each playoff team fantasy league, I could use a long Janikowski field goal forthwith.

Sharkbait

Are…are we in the same league?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Mom?

jjfozz

I’m amazed, and thankful, that that Beats commercial with 7 Nation Army has no Ravens fans in it. Jesus on a horse drawn sled do I loathe that song.

LemonJello

There would have been, but their purple camo pants were at the cleaners.

Doktor Zymm

There were many armies containing men of at least seven nations. Probably the first was the armies of the Crusades, and they got their dicks handed to ’em by the Saracen, so you can rest assured that from a historical viewpoint, that song has been eviscerated and killed with fine swords of Damascus steel.

Dunstan

NEERRRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!

herodotus450

But the modern concept of a “nation” didn’t really exist until post-Rennaissance

rockingdog

howdy guys.
Just turned the game on. Have I missed anything?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Patriots are very happy.

WCS

A surprising display of almost entertaining foobawl.

rockingdog

I found a stream online of the game. Good thing is that there aren’t commercials.
Bad thing is that its Sky Sports and one of the guys analyzing the game is British?

JustStopDude

Listen to those Texans fans respond to the action on the field. That stadium is ELECTRIC!

Literally the lights in side of the stadium, no bullshit…run on electricity.

fleshwound_NPG

testing the androids posting ability, leaving man cave…the wife is out in the kitchen making chili with turkey and bison

LemonJello

That chili sounds gott-dammed delicious.

WCS

Yeah, Borck’s going to try his damnedest to keep Oakland in this.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My son’s name is also Borck

King Hippo

Kill him, and it becomes a DOOPY PANTZ kinda day!!

herodotus450

This Taiwan Jones I call him an international incident because the Raiders consider him a free agent but China considers him part of the mainland.
/Oh that was some other RB named Murray…

fleshwound_NPG

it…it looks like a football game now!

King Hippo

that really were some fine run blocking

WCS

Oak..land…touch…down…?

JustStopDude

comment image

jjfozz

I wonder what it’s like when Gruden is having sex? What in the hell does he yell out?

THIS PUSSY I CALL IT THE WATERGATE HOTEL, BECAUSE IT’S CAUSING TRICKY DICK A LOT OF PROBLEMS TONIGHT

Sharkbait

Banner. Worthy.

Doktor Zymm

“TURN AROUND I’M CALLING SPIDER Y BANANA”

jjfozz

That’s fucking hilarious! I have tears in my eyes, Zym.

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He probably has that tattooed on his dick.

Col. Duke LaCross

Get my first banner off of there and replace it with this post-haste!

hippofant

I am puzzled that this is actually looking something like a game right now.

The Maestro

Wait, did they build the new stadium right next to the AstroDome?

King Hippo

10-3 coming right up!

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I’m putting my faith in Brock Ring choking off the Texans’ chance of holding this lead.

JustStopDude

You know the best thing about this game…no matter how badly the Texans curb stomp Oakland, they are on the receiving end of a beating even worse in just a week.

WCS

Even the refs don’t care about this game.

JustStopDude

Hey! Those of the top rated refs by the league…YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!

jjfozz

Cheer me up – bad news today.

My dad’s cousin had a massive stroke. When my uncle committed suicide 20 years ago it was the toughest funeral I ever went to, so my dad’s cousin sees me walking in to the funeral parlor and says, “Holy shit! You look like Frank NItti!” Frank Nitti was one of Al Capone’s hitmen.

I’ll never forget that. It turned a shit moment into something funny.

Fuck I’m sad.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are the Raiders failing to make you laugh? They’re trying their hardest.

jjfozz

I think the Raiders are gonna win this game.

herodotus450

Even the most massive of strokes only puts you 1 over par.
Heyooooooooooooo

jjfozz

Jesus christ, you could be a member of family with humor that black.

Romonobyl

Good thing you have us, no way in Hades will this game improve your mood.

LemonJello
jjfozz

One of the funniest moments of my life.

Doktor Zymm

They’re getting better at treating that sort of thing all the time. Best of luck for a quick recovery.

On a nicer note, I had blue crab pie the other day, they make it down in VA. Fucking delicious. You should get some of that.

jjfozz

I have never heard of that. Where did you get it?

Doktor Zymm

http://vancleveseafood.com/products/chesapeake-blue-crab-pie-4-5oz-pies

It’s fucking delicious. It’s like a good crab cake with some cheese on top and in nice pastry. Heavy on the crab, as it should be.

herodotus450

In my NFL, making the flag throwing motion after a play because you think there should be a flag would result in an automatic flag-picked-up action to occur.

jjfozz

And a knee to the balls.

Doktor Zymm

Can we just take the good players from both teams to go play the Pats?

fleshwound_NPG

all the shitty post-2002 Raidaahs are manifesting themselves into this shitfest

The Maestro

Rich Gannon’s retirement curse continues to live on.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Raiders special teams looking like Connor Cook rubbed off on them a little.

Doktor Zymm

Damn, that was almost a really impressive special teams effort

King Hippo

way to beg your coach into wasting a challenge, you dickhole

JustStopDude

You got to challenge this right…I mean otherwise Oakland hasn’t had a positive yardage play yet right?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

First down to Crabtree two plays ago.

JustStopDude

Stop lying…there is NO WAY anyone is paying attention to this mess for THREE plays in a row!

King Hippo

slow going through progressions, backup LT, yeah this is gonna be a true shitshow

The Maestro

“Can’t sleep… Clowney will eat me.” – Connor Cook

WCS

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Poor Rikki.

King Hippo

the local ad during that commercial break was for an impotence clinic. HOW FITTING.

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OH NOES. WE CAN’T HAVE A PINK CAKE FOR THE BABY BOY.

King Hippo

HE WILL NOTICE AND IMMEDIATELY CRAVE COCK

...

For a moment I read that as “CRAVE COOK” and I thought that we’re well past that point.

Romonobyl

I had to drive through the area known as “Hou-ston” last weekend. For a place that isn’t supposed to exist they sure have shitty traffic issues.

...

I like the fact they built a 22-lane wide highway and it completely clogged up just a few years after being completed.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just like the arteries of its residents.

Doktor Zymm

The key to avoiding that is to flee from your bedbug infested hotel room in the middle of the night, returning your rental car to the Houston airport at 3 am and then sleeping in an airport lounge once they open at 5 am.

Romonobyl

Did you wake up in time to catch your flight?

Doktor Zymm

My flight wasn’t until 5 or 6 pm…so yes, I did not sleep in a chair for 12 hours

Doktor Zymm

So…I guess Conner Cooks is a clowneyfraud

WCS

Okay, undoubted INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD now.

JustStopDude

So…game completely over right?

Romonobyl

So much for the Land of Oak.

The Maestro

Clowney comin’.

King Hippo

It might be time to inquire as to what hobo off the streets OAK signed to back up this Cook shitsniffer.

WCS

The HERP was strong with that one.

The Maestro

I hate to be the kind of person to post this sort of comment, but…

FIRST

/you are all welcome to shun me now

The Maestro

wait FUCK

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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The Maestro

I deserve this

BrettFavresColonoscopy

They keep calling him Connor Cooks despite only having one toque

JustStopDude

Honest to fucking god…not only did I forget that this game was on until just now…the Houston Texans exist.

I always thought they were an internet meme making fun idiot football fans in Texas.

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