NEW YORK

Umm Shari, I think I’m going to take the afternoon off. You can too if you want, just make sure to send James Harrison another $50,000 fine. Call it “detrimental to the shield, he’s a poopyhead.” You know how to make it do.

Ahh…another season in the books, quite a good one if I do say so myself. I think I’ve earned a little me time. Oooh! I can try that new Thai parlor. PK doesn’t understand what no-teeth means and looking Florio in the eyes reminds me of mom. Time for a bit of something new. Ok…

*BOOM! An explosion of smoke, fire, and yellow flags appears in front of the desk*

Oh why now?

STOP AND GENUFLECT GOO-DELL FOR I HAVE COME TO RENDER YOUR JUDGEMENT!

I thought I had at least a week or two…

SILENCE! YOUR YEARLY RECKONING IS NOW UPON YOU! PREPARE FOR YOUR PERFORMANCE EVALUATION!

NOW LET US *cough cough* ok seriously I can’t keep doing that. You know what time it is fuckchunk. Let’s get this over with.

But I was gonna…

MEDAMNIT I don’t give a used Gaga pantyliner what you were going to do! WHO RUNS THIS SHIT?

You my Liege.

Fucking right. I leave you to do it on my behalf, but it’s MY SHOW. Don’t you EVER forget it. Alright, let’s go. So…*goes up and down on tiptoe while touching fingertips*…how did YOU like the play Mrs. Lincoln?

Wha? Well I thought we did well vis a vis…

SHUT. UP. YOU OOZING INGROWN TAINT HAIR. IT WAS A COLOSTOMY BAG OF FETID CALCUTTA RUNOFF THAT YOU TRIED TO SELL AS A WENDY’S FROSTY. NO ONE BOUGHT IT. Let’s review shall we?

You started by trying to look tough, trying to jackhammer-rape Dreamboat and Das Hood. What did you get? THAT’S RIGHT, THEY WENT ALL LIAM NEESON “TAKEN” STYLE AND LEFT YOU GAPING LIKE TILA TEQUILA AT A KKK MIXER. The Big Dig was Kraft and Co. using your COLON as a HYPERLOOP. Jodie Foster had it easier in “The Accused,” Lisbeth Salander took a knee. Seriously, I mean we all know you’re a disgrace, but to have that region of racist bean-fucker BASEBALL fans yell it in the streets in a PARADE? Whadafuq? 

See with that I…

Queefshart I will say when you speak. Now, this brings me to my tributes. Totals are down, which is fine. I don’t need constant validation. I’m not J-Crizzle or Mohamma-Dog. What I DO want is CONSISTENCY! This week-to-week knee-jerk shit has to STAHP. If you invoke me Week 1, you invoke me Week 17! 

I try, but your Bishops they…

Smegmaface I will deal with them individually. That Triplette fuck will be shaving my scrote. He can’t figure out which side he dresses on with one hand on it. I do like that sassy ref though. ANYWAY, your job is to decide WHAT is worthy of me and make sure THAT is what is CALLED. Replay is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT. Call it and deal with it. If I wanted wishy-washy mew-mew I’d bring back Tagliabue. Had to friend-zone that needy skidmark. How’s that Canton reservation working cumbubble? Now about all this moving teams shitstorm.

 My Liege, the Owners, they said the economics…

Don’t get me started with those festering dick-chancres. I still got Al being spit-roasted by Rozelle and Summerall while Madden watches and giggles.

Madden’s not dead.

Says you Muntbiscuit. Look…Los Angeles. It’s fetch. Stop trying to make it happen, it won’t. Divine Intervention or some shit. Go figure the city that allows absolutely everything else draws the line at me. Whatever. I gave up the dream a long time ago, why do you think Al hangs down with me? He tried to convince me more than once, failed, and he’ll soon be flicking McCaskey’s bean into eternity while Wilson shits in her mouth. I’m lenient like that. Now YOU think you’re going to swing not only one but maybe TWO retreads in there? HUBRIS. FOOTBALL BELONGS IN SACRED LOCATIONS. ALWAYS. ST. LOUIS, SAN DIEGO, OAKLAND, fuck even CLEVELAND. Look I recognize some dirty work needs doing here. Some folk might need to…go away. Don’t worry, you’ve got more than enough qualified employees that’ll handle it. Send me the Spanos clan, give me Kroenke. You keep pumpkinhead, sorry contractual obligations. I’ve got pain eternal awaiting them. CTE’s aplenty! Seau is especially eager. We’ll install better reps, do a big “Wea Culpa” and get us back WHERE WE BELONG. If we have to actually pay for something, SO FUCKING BE IT. We can be the bigger, better organization for once. Now THIS my ginger pusblossom is a LEGACY worth having! Right? I mean loo…

*phone rings*

Oh shit! Lemme take this. Hi baby! Yup, just wrapping up with ol Rog here. … Oh yeah! I’ll tell him, thanks for reminding me.  … I’m sure it can work. Why not? …uh huh. Can you pick him up? I mean it’s way across town…alright ALRIGHT! Jeez! No I’m not yelling. …no not mad, I’ll go get Doink. Yup. Uh-huh. Love you too Shanky. Hey listen we gonna split the uprights later? I’ll make it curve up the way you like…? Oooh! You naughty, evil…ok seriously not NOW! Lemme finish here. Ok…see you soon. Mwah.

SO! WHERE WERE WE?

Teams moving?

AH YES! FIX THAT SHIT. NOW. ALSO…*cough* I mean also. The missus was wondering. What if…big if here. Team is losing, they score, still behind. On the kickoff if it goes through the uprights, 2-points and the other team still gets a touchback. Huh? HUH? More strategy yeah? Only if you’re behind. Once you’re tied, not an option. Whatever, like I said the wife thought it up. Kick it around in preseason maybe. See what I did there?

Anyhoo Rog, this year sucked. I’d fire you but given the current climate I’m terrified at what could replace you. I’m also lazy and JJ knows where I keep my elixir. FIX YO SHIT SON. See you in 6 months. I expect progress. BLEERGH OUT CUCKFLAKE! *BOOM*

*bzzz* Um Shari, make that fine $100,000. Also can we get Ray-Ray in here?