CrimeBeat!: Breaking News Edition

WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED “HARD RIDE TO NOWHERE” TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL REPORT:

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. I have the solemn duty to inform you that at 4:42 p.m., DFO Substandard Time on February 16, an unscheduled Jets Schadenfreude Day was launched from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Reports are still coming in, but we have been able to determine that Jets icon and sole point of pride Darrelle Revis has been arrested in his (relative) home town and charged with four felony counts and a misdemeanor, including aggravated assault, robbery and making terroristic threats, stemming from an altercation early Monday morning.

We here at CrimeBeat! would like to assure the viewing public that we will continue to report on this story as it develops in the measured, professional manner to which you have become accustomed, and which befits a serious and sensitive story such as this.

 

 

 

 

BWAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ok, enough. There are times where I feel like I should root for the Jets, because we can count on them to provide comedy manna to sustain us as we stagger drunkenly through the barren desert of the off-off-season. Of course then I would be a Jets fan, and as much as I enjoy yelling at random women to show us their boobs, I don’t think I have it in me.

Revis allegedly was walking on East Carson Street near 23rd at about 2:30 in the morning. None of the reports I have seen list where he was coming from or going, but a search of nearby restaurants reveals a place called the Double Wide Grill, which is not only a funny name in a Rust Belt city with rampant obesity, but also bills itself as a Vegan-friendly barbecue restaurant. So given the weirdness about the rest of the story, I’m going to make the journalistically-sound assumption that it is somehow involved.

The semi-official story is that two men saw Revis walking along, approached him and asked him  if he was, in fact, Darelle Revis. He admitted that he was, which is just a rookie mistake that you don’t expect from a veteran like Revis. The two accosters  then began filming Revis on a cell phone and following him down the street, while Revis kept asking the perfectly reasonable question of why they were following him.

Here’s where things get murky in the current narrative. At some point, Revis grabbed the cell phone and tried to delete the video, eventually throwing it into the middle of the street. Also at some point, an acquaintance of Revis arrived. Words were exchanged and the two amateur paparazzi ended up on the figurative canvas for about ten minutes.

 

Revis’ attorney, however, paints a slightly different picture, where Revis was set upon by five guys and was defending himself. Despite his heroic efforts, in this version he still needed medical treatment.

The Pittsburgh cops, perhaps still smarting from Joey Porter largely getting away with General Zodding one of their officers, reviewed the cell phone footage and decided there was enough to back the out-cold dudes’ account of events. As noted above, Revis is staring down four felony counts, any one of which could put him in jail for a year or more. On the other hand, he is currently sentenced to three years in the Meadowlands (presuming the Jets down release him for good behavior/bad performance), so perhaps Yinzer Jail isn’t such a daunting prospect.

As a side note and based solely on the details we have right now, I totally get Revis’ side of this. It’s 2:30 in the morning, you’re in town to visit family and friends, and two twats start following you and filming you because you’re famous and rich. Athletes have been stabbed or shot in similarish circumstances. Now, stopping to grab the phone and trying to delete shit? That’s poor decision making. Throwing the phone into traffic? Satisfying, but unhelpful. Having your lawyer say anything other than “We look forward to a chance to clear up these charges”? That’s the Truly Bad Decision.

In the meantime, I am just enjoying the last subtle twinges of regret in Jets fans’ collective psyche, the tiny voices in their heads reminding them of all the good times and the pride they took in boasting to other fans about how their overpriced star receiver was about to get exiled to Revis Island. Yes, most of the “Hurrhurrhurr guess you should call him Riker’s Island now, hurrhurr” jokes have been made over at Deadspin, many by Jets fans. And yes, most Jets supporters I know were pretty much ready to cut ties with him due to his declining performance. But there was still a beer-stained Revis jersey hanging even in the barren what-have-you-done-for-me-lately hearts (and closets) of the Jets “faithful.”

Your tears…they nourish me.

This incident pretty much guarantees that Mike Maccaganananan will summarily cut his ass, as Revis has a $15 million cap hit this year, including a $2 million roster bonus due March 11, and $10 million each of the next two years. They say you should never meet your heroes- apparently you shouldn’t sign them to lucrative long term contracts if they’re about to hit 30.

And that’s the way it is. Good night, and good luck.

MICHAEL FLOYD

CHARGE: DUreally,reallyI

Picking back up on the incident that  led to his dismissal from the Arizona Cardinals, Michael Floyd received his sentence today- four months in jail for pulling a Mobile LaRussa (drunk and passed out behind the wheel, as opposed to the Stationary LaRussa, which involves being surly to the media and making a pitching change six times in the final two innings of a 7-0 game).

For some reason, I’m enjoying the fact that driving drunk appears to have been the best move Michael Floyd has made for his career since entering the NFL. Some guys put in years trying to get a championship ring, while all it cost Floyd was 120 days, not counting good behavior.

No transcript of the hearing is available at this time, but reports say his attorney requested that the time be served during the period the Patriots are scheduled to visit Mar-a-Lago to meet the Loofah in Chief.  When the judge asked if he agreed with his lawyer’s statements, Floyd responded that “even [he] don’t want any part of that shitshow.”

KING DUNLAP

CHARGE: Being 330 pounds of asshole.

King Dunlap (full name King David Dunlap V) of the Los Angeles Chargers of the Inland Empire Next to the Check-Into-Cash was arrested  in his native Tennessee for violating a restraining order and causing a domestic disturbance involving his girlfriend.

There is nothing funny about domestic abuse.

There is, however, the opportunity for humor in reporting on domestic abuse. Every story I have seen describes the victim as his “girlfriend.” NFL.com, for example, states that “[u]pon arrival, officers determined King’s girlfriend had a protective order in place against him.” Perhaps this is my whitebread middle-class naive upbringing talking, but I feel like as soon as you apply for an order of protection against someone, they are no longer your boyfriend or girlfriend. This isn’t like marriage, where it is a legally-recognized status and there are forms and shit to fill out before it can be changed. If someone is legally obligated to keep 50 yards away from you at all times, you are not dating, no matter what John Hinkley may have to say on the matter.

When reached for comment, Chargers’ vice president of public relations Robbie Shitkicker stated that the team was aware of the situation, and saw no reason to punish someone for forcing themselves into an area where they are not wanted.

*BREAKING BREAKING NEWS!*

Trent Richardson was allegedly arrested yesterday in Hoover, Alabama for domestic violence.  Police say that Richardson and an adult female began arguing at the Walmart (because Alabama) and continued the fight back in a hotel. The woman sustained scratches and bruising on her face. Richardson’s attorneys are allegedly considering using the Trent Richardson Defense, specifically that he hasn’t hit a hole that hard in…

You know what. Never mind. I’m a terrible person, but even I can’t finish that joke.

Foxboro Delenda Est

 

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.

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[…] Friday damn near ruptured me, such was the glut of Football Related Shenanigans. I thought that I would at least have the chance to my literary breath. Free agency hasn’t […]

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This stupid fucking country deserves to burn for allowing this. From the Former Director of US Foreign Disaster Assistance. tl;dr is that in a crisis, Trump and the Republicans will fuck up so badly that we will all die and it’s our own fault.

Lot of speculation these days about how #Trump Admin will manage a REAL crisis, given its high level of baseline chaos. Let’s dive in. 1/— Jeremy Konyndyk (@JeremyKonyndyk) February 17, 2017

On the plus side, dildos:
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Smile. Charlotte McKinney has a gift for you: https://imgur.com/a/whuHo

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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When reached for comment, Chargers’ vice president of public relations Robbie Shitkicker stated that the team was aware of the situation, and saw no reason to punish someone for forcing themselves into an area where they are not wanted.

Awww yeah, that’s the stuff.

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sunrisesunrise
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I had the same reaction.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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ballsofsteelandfury
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Jesus Christ, that was magnificent!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath
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#MAGA

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath
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Also, DV can be between any members of a household. Brothers fighting, Ma intimidating everyone, mother-daughter (nicceeee) — any combo works.

Therefore, anything negative about Revis is fake news.

http://weknowmemes.com/generator/uploads/generated/g1379559990378519251.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WELL, THAT’S JUST WRONG; SEVERAL OF MY GIRLFRIENDS HAVE RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST ME!!

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