The Chicago Bears this week announced that, after 8 years, they were forced to return Jay Cutler, quarterback and werecat, to the shelter where they got him. The move is expected to save $2 million against the cap, although all parties agree that it is far too late to save the carpeting in the locker room.
“Like a lot of people, we were really excited to get Cutler 8 years ago”, said Ryan Pace, bears GM. “He was unbelievably talented and we really thought he’d make a great addition to the Bears’ family, motivate us to come together and lead us back to the Super Bowl.”
Cutler, who like many rescue animals hailed from Tennessee, was indeed considered a potential savior to the Bears’ franchise but, as Pace went on to say, the Bears soon learned that cats aren’t always what they seem. “At first Cutler really seemed to be doing his job. He learned the playbook, hit the open man in stride and kept the mice out of the locker room.” As he aged, however, Pace noticed a lot of changes in Cutler. “He just wasn’t as motivated as he used to be. He hurt his knee and seemed to grow resentful when everyone started to pay attention to the new cat who came in while he was at the vets.” (Editor’s note: that cat, Hanie, hasn’t been seen for quite a while; speculation is that a coyote got him) Pace went on: “He seemed to stop caring: he just sat around and stared, no matter how well or poorly the team was doing. All of which we could have put up, (I mean, if you’ve seen the care with which we assembled our offensive line you’d know we’re just as apathetic as any cat), but he stopped even pretending to chase mice and he’d taken to pissing in every corner of the locker room. Seriously, once we know he’s gone for good we’re just gonna haul those things out and burn them.”
Reached for comment Cutler arched his back, hissed at the reporter and then stalked away, pausing only to spray on a passer-by’s shoe.
In lieu of flowers mourners are asked to spay and neuter their pets and to not have their children vaccinated.
*Post at the request of Cutler, so blame him, and in partial tribute to King Hippo’s cat, who would never, ever spray on your shoe.
So are we all mentally prepared for the 3rd straight Patriots ring?
I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for anything.
SORRY, CAN’T UPVOTE THAT.
Just read some more stuff about the acceleration of global warming…. so sure, why not.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/68abc0e9798bcb3c43bc230a5ab9e9e0/tumblr_okz26nhW8h1vatewco2_400.gif
Since I’ll be doing nothing but watching hoops for the next few weekends I figured I should catch a movie.
Logan.
I’ll give a brief review when I get back home.
I love this theater and it’s full bar where you can order beers at the concession stand.
I heard it was good. I saw Get Out the other day and was a fan. Also still need to catch John Wick 2. Always tempted to pirate though…
QB starved NFL; the Leading contender according to the media is the Jets…. a 1 or 2 year deal with the Texans? Long shot; 49ers? INTERESTING! WEIRD! FRIGHTENING! CONTROVERSIAL! MADDENING!
http://i.perezhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/game-of-thrones-new-characters-cersei.gif
CLEVELAND! REPLACING BROCKLOBSTER!!
http://68.media.tumblr.com/cafee6eef26cda01cc53616330d860eb/tumblr_ol5fc1mkTN1vkzuj9o1_500.jpg
NO
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Um88IgzjyKw/VkF7hUE7mqI/AAAAAAAA8mI/Iu7UKwWkwzw/s1600/rivers.gif
http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/article/media_slots/photos/001/064/968/CutlerPass_original.gif
That might be the best pass ever.
With the exception of the umpire not fucking ducking.
The one reason I’d like to see Cutler go back to Denver is see him renew his feud with Float Lord.
http://poplyft.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/news-debate.gif
http://www.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/201495/rs_400x225-141005161714-TD-305-Steph-Slap.gif
One from the old days:
http://l3.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/7CbeXQqlDAnEnKsQbMoNgg–/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3NfbGVnbztxPTg1O3c9NjMw/http://l.yimg.com/os/publish-images/sports/2016-05-24/d80f05d0-21b1-11e6-8a1b-a93a982c029d_CutlerWalker.gif
Goddamn. 65 yards or so?
BONUS POINT FOR THE BEST GUESS OF THE DAY!!
http://cdn.koreaboo.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/exid.gif
What’s impressive to me is how that didn’t seem to be a float but a truly hard-thrown ball. That’s some fucking arm cock action.
I remember watching that, just thinking “We have our QB now, bitches.!”
Of course I also thought Javon Walker, who caught that pass, was going to be good for years to come, too.
And dead in stride. The guy could fucking play.
The sheer number of gifs of Cutler getting destroyed is saddening.
http://terezowens-com-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/2012/10/Cutty-laugh.gif
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/1925697/jay-cutler-run-o.gif
http://i.imgbox.com/aamBvDQ6.gif
So THAT’S what he sees whenever he’s sacked!
I like this one.
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Jay-Cutler-Kicks-Charles-Woodson.gif
http://cjzero.com/gifs/CutlerWoodson.gif
This is Peak Cat Cutler
I get pissed too when people land on my knees.
The Bear Shoe Award.
http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/1790567/bearshoe.gif
Man, cats love to play with string!
nice!
#NINELIVES
http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/ndamukong-suh-rips-off-jay-cutlers-helmet-controversial-moments-of-Ndamukong-Suh.gif
Jay Cutler in ear bud format…
Goddamn, Moose. You’re making me sad for Jay.
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc1ghmBroJ1rge9rdo1_1280.jpg
http://sportsmockery.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Dont-Care-Jay-Cutler.gif
http://cdn1.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1235971/fistbumpbros.gif
http://giant.gfycat.com/PastelFriendlyIndochinahogdeer.gif
http://68.media.tumblr.com/8189d05ee301578840fbe086353f32e4/tumblr_olg0229JHa1vkzuj9o1_400.gif
http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1261629/suhkilled.gif
When the Donks drafted him there were some physical parallels to Elway; strong than shit arm, strong enough to take a fucking beating and willing to do so, the bonehead ill-times interception, mostly due to overconfidence in said arm, while early on Elway was more mobile and a run threat, Catler could move well. Elway eventually shed the interception propensity. Elway also had a greater force of will. When either were on point they were fucking fun to watch. He and Marshal going off script was a thing of beauty. Both were well represented by animals. What I’m saying is some of us had high hopes for a franchise cat. One of the things that I liked about Cutler most was his disdain for the local parasitic jock-sniffing sports media. Then the Belichick baby came to town.
Obviously he had his issues with his attitude at times (it was overblown by the media, but he was definitely capable of being a temperamental twat) and prone to bonehead mistakes, but he had potential that was never realized. Maybe in part because of his attitude, but it had a hell of a lot to do with the shit lines he’s played behind and the coordinator carousel he played under. Oh, and getting the living piss beat out of him during a couple years of Martz ball. You know, Martz? The guy behind trading away Greg fucking Olsen because TE wasn’t that important in his system of 28 step drops?
Also someone really needs to photoshop Cutler into this.
http://www.rustywalrus.com/images/lg/55.jpg
Eh, I’ve got 5 minutes.
THAT IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
http://s3.amazonaws.com/br-cdn/temp_images/2014/11/10/2014-11-0918_10_13.gif
This works but I was definitely imaging one of those pictures where he’s been sacked and has a look on his face like he just looked into Cthulhu’s eyes.
Some of those hits with the Bears crappy line were just….. “He’s not getting up, is he?”
http://68.media.tumblr.com/1819904c5c7261b7dba5292bd53c853b/tumblr_omddk0Qaye1vkzuj9o1_400.gif
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7b1gvkTuNLc/UUShZ57XIvI/AAAAAAAAHN8/6H6zNIU6zjs/s1600/jay-cutler.gif
http://media.chicagomag.com//images/cache/cache_4/cache_d/cache_2/Cutler1-c3cc62d4.jpeg
Like this, even though it wouldn’t really work for the photoshop I imagined.
Yeah, I had a no luck finding one that didn’t have a bunch of other people in there with him.
Plus that one in particular has cats which are not currently free.
Hats, on the other hand…
http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/50a06b7f6bb3f7a34f000000/cutlerhit_medium.gif
But seriously, that face. It’s as if every moment is unspeakable horror for him.
http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0175/8784/products/DontCare400w_large.jpg
Or this:
http://www.csnphilly.com/sites/csnphilly/files/2016/09/14/uspresswire-bears-jay-cutler.jpg
I could initially verbalize why I liked Cutler until I saw someone on Twitter remark that he liked Cutler because Cutler hated Bears fans as much as he did.
So, that’s my reason.
http://cdn3.sbnation.com/assets/3275631/cutlersack1.gif
He will win a ring as someone’s backup somewhere else, and Chicago will welcome him back as a “champion”.
As much as I’ve love to see him win elsewhere to prove what a fucking mess the Bears have been, he’ll never be welcomed back for anything.
Plus, I suspect he ends up a Jet so LOL.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/606db26bbb2201bc9bea3504e32a368e/tumblr_oltbmw0Ytf1si8o3zo1_400.gif
I laughed heartily at the “kept the mice out of the locker room” and several other parts. THAT’s GOOD PARTIAL TRIBUTE HUSTLE.
Will read comments elsewhere when spoiler potential over. Still watching DVR of Everton/WBA. Better win for my dead cat, you assholes.
He did die peacefully and doped up, while I held him, surrounded by his human sisters. Many thanks to my ex-wife for bringing the one at her house over (and picking up the two who were asleep at my house) so they could be there for him. As I told the girls afterwards, that is indeed what love is – watching someone you care about die. Never forget it.
I’ve been there many times before and it’s never easy but it’s the right thing to do. Sending good thoughts, (and Jay Cutler), your way.
This is some nice work; your penchant for hiding in lockers really paid off with that insider info.
Journalism by any means necessary. Too bad I smell like cat piss now.
Well, more than usual.
As Buddy Cole mentioned. He was the best QB the Bears ever had statistically. I hope the giraffe does well but asshole Chicago fans are probably gonna wish for Cutler again unless they draft someone actually great by accident
I would be genuinely shocked if Bears fans changed their mind about him.
Jesus.
Considering how much goofing we give the guy, I went to p-f-r to look up his stats expecting to mock him further. Turns out, he’s the best QB the Bears have ever had, and it’s not even close.
Also, those sports-reference sites look sleek as fuck now. Buddy out.
Second best Bears QB of all time. I will accept no arguments to the contrary.
Well McMahon putting a fork in his eye as a kid is pretty dope.
I had given his stats a cursory look and there was just nothing there to make fun of. Cutler seems like kind of a dick but frankly he’s a good QB.
But it’s not funny to write that so fuck him.
Erik Kramer!! Also a wolf, so they are looking FOAR lightning in a bottle with teh Giraffe.
That Horatio bite goes perfect with my morning
whiskeytea./puts on pedant hat
Cutler is from Indiana, not Tennessee
/never ever takes off pedant hat
I think it was a vanderbilt reference
Bingo
I’m aware but
The fact that you used the wrong image, character, and didn’t quote the line precisely is infuriating.
My, the pedantry is thick around here today.
I couldn’t permit myself to post it in the second person when it was intended to be self-referential. True pednatry.