Editor’s Note:  Due to a drunken snafu committed by a person that shall remain nameless, you night owls got to see Episode 3 ahead of schedule. This means you get an extra helping of ISOaG this week!  Let the rejoicing begin…

[Inside balls’ awesome beach house.  There are naked sleeping girls everywhere like it was Jonestown but I swear they’re really only sleeping.  And farting.  A lot. 7:22 AM]

balls wakes up groggily, steps over a naked blonde, and heads to the bathroom to pee.  He is instantly awake after he sees what is taped onto the mirror:

Underneath, in red lipstick, the word “NOW!” is scrawled.  balls starts looking around for tWBS.  It’s a difficult task as there are girls everywhere.  Have I mentioned that they are naked?  Yeah.  Eventually, he finds tWBS underneath two girls.

balls:  Dude, wake up!  We need to go!

tWBS:  Huh?  What?

balls:  We got a sign!  We need to get to our next destination.  Now!

tWBS:  Aww, but I have my comfy girl blankie!

balls:  Let’s GO!

tWBS:  What about the girls?

balls:  Let them sleep.  My staff will clean up later.

tWBS:  Staff?!?

***

[Inside Dave on La 5 heading southward just outside San Felipe, 8:19 AM]

balls:  Ok, this next stretch is going to be tough.

tWBS:  What do you mean?

balls: Well, we are now headed to the middle of fucking nowhere.  We’re lucky that the Mexican government invested in cell phone towers.  Back in the 80’s, this was the Wild Fucking West out here.

tWBS:  Um, what does THAT mean?!?

balls:  Don’t worry about it.  We’re good as long as we drive during the day.  At night, it gets… interesting.  Say, can Dave go off-road?

tWBS:  One, I am deeply concerned about what you just told me and Two, I am insulted by the question!

balls:  Sorry! On both counts.  We should be fine, don’t worry.  We just need to keep an eye out.  Head on a swivel, that kind of thing.

tWBS:  Why do you want to know if Dave can go off-road?

balls: I was just thinking we could maybe break up the trip to Santa Rosalía by going surfing.  There are some prime spots on the Pacific side and the road just happens to cross over there on the way to Santa Rosalía.

tWBS:  Sweet!  We can break out our Tecate boards!

balls:  What?!? What happened to our boards?

tWBS (pointing to the back of Dave):  Dude, we still have them but I bought these awesome boards for super cheap at the Tecate brewery gift shop!  Aren’t they sweet?

balls (looking back):  Considering they have the Tecate logo all over them, yeah, they’re pretty cool.  The bikini girl stickers are a nice touch.

tWBS:  Thanks!  That was my idea.  So, basically you put your nose where you would WANT your nose to be and that shows you where you need to be on the board!

balls:  Not bad.  I like the way you think. Btw, I don’t know if you know, but the water is pretty cold.

tWBS:  I’ve thought of everything.  While we were in San Felipe, I found a shop that had wetsuits.  I got us footies and hoods too!

balls:  Holy shit, you HAVE thought of everything!  Ok, we’re going surfing!  WOOOOOO!

tWBS: WOOOOOOO!

One hour passes.  The duo enters the Área Natural Protegida Valle de los Cirios.

balls:  We’re…going…surfing.  Woo.

tWBS:  Yeah.  Wooo.

Another hour passes.

tWBS:  Damn this is a long ass road!

balls:  No shit.  This sucks.  Hey, at least we are now joining La Transpeninsular!

tWBS:  The what now?

balls:  La 1.  It’s called the trans-peninsular highway because it goes all the way from the top of the peninsula to the tip.

tWBS (trying to hold it in):   Mmmm.

balls: Ok, you’ve earned it, go ahead and say it.

tWBS:  Giggity!

balls: Did that make you happy?

tWBS:  Yes.  Yes it did.  I also had a good penis joke, but I’ll save it for a later time.

balls:  You do that.  I should check my Surfline app to see how things are looking.

tWBS:  How far away from the highway are the surf spots?

balls:  Well, it depends on where we go.  We are pretty close to the Seven Sisters.

tWBS:  I like the sound of that, but what’s that got to do with surfing?

balls:  They’re surf breaks. Among the best in the world when the conditions are right.  The only problem is that it’s a commitment to get to some of them.  Dirt roads that are barely roads.

tWBS:  I will have you know that Dave can handle anything!

balls:  Yeah, I know, but I don’t want to stray too far off the road.  We still have to get to Santa Rosalía, remember?

tWBS:  True, but if, as you say, we don’t want to drive at night, we’re not getting to Santa Rosalía today.

balls:  Yeah, you’re right.  Camping on the beach it is!

tWBS:  Cool.  So, which one do we go to?

balls (showing tWBS the app): Take a look.

tWBS:  Hey, there’s a spot here in English!  Let’s go to that one!

balls (glaring):  Really?  That’s why you chose it?

tWBS:  Look, I may not be the only one choosing it for that reason.  What if we meet some hot SoCal surfing babes on a safari?

balls:  Ok, you do have a point.  Let’s go to Miller’s Landing.

After a little over another hour on the road, the duo start to get a little anxious.

tWBS:  Ok, where the FUCK is the turnoff to go to Miller’s?

balls: Fuck if I know. I highly doubt there is a sign.  It’s a dirt road.

tWBS:  Can’t you see it on the map on your phone?

balls:  Yes, but I don’t know how accurate this is.  We should be sorta close.

In the distance on the right side, tWBS sees a cloud of dust rising from what seems like a pickup truck heading west.

tWBS:  Dude, I think that’s it.

balls:  Yeah, I think so too. Follow that truck!

After a few minutes, the dirt road appears on the right.  tWBS makes a hard right and follows the trail of dust.

tWBS:  Now you’re going to see what Dave can do!

Dave indeed is able to handle the rocky terrain with ease.  Although the road is rough, the ride is not too bad.

After about 20 minutes, the ocean appears in front.

tWBS:  Dude, that’s awesome!

balls:  Yeah, it’s fucking perfect!

The surf is pounding and the beach is deserted except for the truck that the duo had been following. Five people have exited the truck and are putting on wetsuits.

tWBS: Looks like we’ve got some fellow surfers.

balls:  Yeah.  Usually everyone is pretty friendly.  Let’s talk to them before they get in the water.  That way, they’ll know we’re cool and not going to steal their shit.

tWBS:  Kewl.  Shit, I can’t believe I said that.

balls:  Me neither.

Dave is parked relatively close to the truck and the duo gets out and heads towards the five who are now unloading their boards from the back.

balls: Hola!

tWBS:  Hi!

One of the five turns around and faces them.

tWBS:  Holy Shit!

balls:  Dude, what the fuck are you doing here?

Rikki Tikki Deadly: I was about to ask you guys the same thing!

They all share handshakes and hugs.

balls:  Where’s Mrs. Rikki Tikki Deadly, Esquire?

RTD:  Aw, she had to go to Hong Kong for a work trip for a week.  I couldn’t get a ticket to join her, so I got bored and figured I’d go surfing.

tWBS:  In the middle of nowhere in central Baja?

RTD:  As I said, I. Got. Bored.

tWBS:  Ok, sorry.  Are you going to introduce us to your friends?

RTD:  Sure.  (talking to his friends)  Hey guys, come over, I want you to meet some friends of mine!

The four friends walk over.

RTD:  This is my friend Sarah and her boyfriend Tom and this is my friend Jamie and her boyfriend Dave.

tWBS and balls give each other a sideways glance.

balls:  Hey guys, nice to meet you!

Everyone exchanges handshakes.

balls: So, you guys are heading out?

RTD:  That’s why we’re here.  We’ll see you guys out there.

The group of five walks away into the surf.

tWBS:  Ok, that was weird, right?

balls:  What?

tWBS:  Two girls that are friends of his with their boyfriends?

balls: It’s not your conventional five-some for a surf adventure, I’ll give you that, but you know what, who cares? They all seem cool.  Let’s get in the water.

The duo dons their wetsuits and wax up the new boards.  As they are getting ready to get in the water, tWBS reaches into his bag and starts spraying himself with a bottle.

balls:  What the hell are you spraying on yourself?

tWBS:  Shark-repellant!  Here.

balls:  You know that stuff doesn’t work, right?

tWBS:  That’s not what the guy said in the store!

balls: Ok, whatever makes you feel better.

tWBS:  Make fun of me all you want, but I’M not going to be shark poop!

balls:  Ok, shark poop, get in the water!

The sea water is crisp and cool but the waves are awesome and consistent.  All seven surfers take turns riding epic waves until the sun is near the horizon.

Eventually, they exit the water, change clothes and build a bonfire.  tWBS and balls pass around bottles of rum and tequila while RTD’s group shares granola bars and beef jerky.  Everyone rehashes the epic surf session and it is generally agreed that RTD caught the best waves.

balls: Guys, I think I’m going to go to sleep.  Thanks for a great afternoon!

RTD:  Dude, you ALWAYS bail out early!

balls:  Yeah, but I’m not as young as I used to be.  You guys have fun.

tWBS:  Where are you going to sleep?

balls:  I’m going to crash in the passenger seat of Dave.  You?

tWBS:  I think I’m going to sleep on the beach.  There’s something cool about watching the stars above and drifting off to sleep.

balls:  Are you sure you want to do that?

tWBS:  Yeah, why?

balls:  Well, this is a wildlife reserve.  There are plenty of wild animals roaming free.

tWBS:  I’ll be fine.  I’m going to piss in a circle around me to mark my territory.  Nothing will bother me.

balls:  Must be some redneck trick, I guess.  Alright, good night!

balls gets into Dave and instantly falls asleep.  Right before dawn, as everyone on the beach is asleep, balls starts having a weird dream.  One of those dreams that seem like they’re really happening in real life.  In the dream, balls is lying on his surfboard waiting for a wave and suddenly SHE appears.

SHE: ¡Hola!

balls: ¿Cómo estás?  Hace mucho que no te veo.

SHE:  ¡Si, MUCHO tiempo!  ¡Te extraño!

balls:  ¡Yo tambien!

They are no longer in the ocean but are now on a soft bed.  She is naked and balls is on top of her as they are making whoopee.

SHE: ¡Deveras que te he extrañado!

balls:  ¡Si!

SHE:  Un poquito por allá.

balls: ¡Si!

They continue having sex and change positions several times. As they engage in doggie style, she turns around.

SHE: Ok, ahora para acabar en grande.  Ya sabes dónde.

A Hitachi Magic Wand appears out of nowhere and SHE applies it while balls switches holes.  After both climax, they collapse in a heap.

SHE:  ¡Muy rico!  ¡Gracias, papi!

balls: ¡A ti!

SHE:  BTW, you’re going the wrong way.

balls:  Wait, but you told me to…

SHE:  No, not that.  You don’t need to go to Santa Rosalía. You need to go to the Santa Rosalía suite at the Hotel Bugambilia in Hermo…

A scream interrupts balls’ dream and wakes him up immediately. It wakes up everyone.

tWBS:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

balls:  What the FUCK?  Are you alright?

tWBS:  Something bit me in the taint!

balls (barely suppressing laughter):  In the what?

tWBS:  TAINT!  Fuck this hurts!  Help me!

balls: You’re lucky I thought ahead.

balls grabs the shopping bag from the Comercial Mexicana and pulls out a tube.

balls:  Remember that I went to the farmacia in Méxicali?  I got some pomada just in case we ran into some critters.  Rub this on the bite and try not to get a boner.

tWBS:  GIMME!!

tWBS snatches the tube of ointment out of balls’ hand, opens it, and starts rubbing it on his nether regions.  After about five minutes, the pain has subsided and he is back to normal. The sun is not out yet, but there is light out.

tWBS:  Oh FUCK.  That was insanely painful.  I’m so glad you got that!

balls:  You’re welcome.

tWBS:  What the fuck bit me?

balls:  I don’t know, but apparently it wasn’t thwarted by your mighty redneck piss.

tWBS:  Fuck you.

balls:  Speaking of piss, I’ve got to take one.

balls turns to the side and pulls down his shorts and underwear.

balls:  Whoa!  This hasn’t happened since I was in high school!

tWBS:  What are you talking about?

balls (in a low voice so that the others won’t hear): I, at my advanced age, just had a wet dream.

tWBS:  Eww. (the wheels start spinning in his head)  Wait a minute! DID YOU COME INSIDE DAVE?!?

In one of the tents that RTD’s friends are using, a voice is heard.

Jamie:  WHAT?!?  No wonder you didn’t want to touch me last night you maricón hijo de su puta madre!

Jamie slaps Dave on the face.  HARD.

balls:  Funny, I didn’t think she knew spanish.

tWBS: Let’s get the fuck out of here before you cause more problems.

balls:  Ok, let me change my undies.

balls takes off the soiled underwear, places it on a nearby rock, and sets it on fire.  He then calmly puts on a fresh pair.

tWBS:  Why did you set them on fire?

balls: As a sacrifice to HER.

tWBS:  We’ll discuss this later.  Let’s bail.

The duo speeds off in Dave on the dirt road back towards La 1 without looking back.  Once on tarmac, they finally say something.

tWBS:  You know I’m going to bring this up every time I can, right?

balls:  Hey, it’s not like I did it on purpose!  It just sorta happened.  I had a really cool dream and she was in it.

tWBS:  Must have been a hell of a dream.

balls: It was.  Really fucking life-like. She was blonde too.

tWBS:  I thought she was Mexican.

balls (defensively):  So?  There’s Mexican blondes!

tWBS:  No, there’s not.

balls:  Well, they have hair color in México, so…

tWBS:  Yeah, exactly.

balls: Anyway, the most important part is that SHE told me in the dream that we were going the wrong way.  We need to go to Hermosillo.

tWBS:  Sweet!  I’ve been there a couple of times!

balls:  Really?

tWBS:  I’m not as uncultured as you think, asshole.

balls:  Sorry, I just didn’t know.

tWBS:  Well how the fuck are we getting there?  Do I have to turn around?  Hermosillo is on the other side of the Gulf of California!

balls: Sea of Cortés.

tWBS: Whatever.

balls:  Luckily, there’s a ferry service that runs from Santa Rosalía to Guaymas.  It runs overnight on Sunday night and arrives Monday morning.  We can drive to Hermosillo from there.

tWBS:  It’s a good thing it’s Sunday.

balls:  Yeah, I’d kinda forgotten what day it was…

tWBS:  Yes, I’ve heard that nocturnal emissions can wreak havoc with short term memory.  You need some electrolytes?

balls:  Shut up.

To be continued…