It is traditionally at this point in the season that I follow up Hippo’s awesome posts on the EPL with a retort of some kind talking about how great La Liga is.  This year, you get it in post form.  And you get it in the form of a Champions’ League preview.

Let’s start with the 8 quarterfinalists in alphabetical order and how they got here:

Atlético Madrid

They beat Chicharito’s Bayer Leverkusen team 4-2 at home and then held on for a 0-0 draw on the road.  They have one of the toughest defenses in the game.

Barcelona

If you didn’t see that heart-stopping second leg, I suggest you go online and find it.  After losing 4-0 in Paris to St. Germain, Barcelona scored 6 (six!) goals at home, including 3 in the final 7 minutes of the game.  This allowed them to stay in the competition and break the hearts of French men everywhere.  All was well, though, as the Frenchmen simply went back to fucking their mistresses.

Bayern Munich (Bayern München)

Bayern is a fucking machine.  It seems like every coach they bring in just continues the success of the previous coaches. Ancelotti has, arguably, improved the squad that Pep Guardiola left behind when he went to Manchester City.  They destroyed Arsenal (EPL team!) 5-1 in each leg.

Borussia Dortmund

Hey, the word russia is in the name, so can you Russian hackers please stop trying to get into DFO?  I mean, seriously, it’s ridiculous how many user registrations we deny that have a dot ru address.  Anyway, Dortmund lost at Benfica 1-0 but handled the Portuguese team at home with ease 4-0.

Juventus

This team is the gif of the soccer world.  Do you pronounce it Whoventus or Jewventus?  Either way, I am surprised by the quality of players on this team. It’s like every star that big clubs decided was past their prime is on this club and they are basically showing the world that they’re not done yet.  They beat Porto 2-0 in the first leg and 1-0 in the second.

Leicester City

The only EPL team left in the competition.  After losing the first leg 2-1 on the road, they beat Sevilla at home by 2-0 to stay alive.  Eagle-eyed readers of Hippo’s posts will know that Leicester is on the verge of being relegated.

Monaco

Another team that pulled a massive comeback at home in the second leg.  After losing 5-3 in Manchester, the Monegasques rallied for a 3-1 win at home that saw them tie on goals but go through on away goals.  Pep goes back to City and the Monaco fans go back to their yachts and fuck their mistresses on the bottom deck.  Yes, that’s a double entendre.

Real Madrid

We might as well call them the Sergio Ramos Late-Game Heroics All-Stars.  It is seriously uncanny how many times Sergio Ramos has saved Real this season with goals after the 80th minute.  And he is a fucking defender!  This is a fucking all-star team made up of all-stars.  They beat Napoli 3-1 in each leg.  They should win it all as long as Sergio Ramos doesn’t get injured.

So, who IS going to win it all?  Before we get to that, can we talk about the fact that three out of the eight quarterfinalists are from Spain?  And that Sevilla was one away goal from being the fourth?  For as much attention and spotlight as the EPL gets, one team that has basically devoted its entire season to the Champions’ League in the final eight is rather bad, don’t you think?   Then again, that sentence sounds eerily familiar as the EPL being crap in the Champions’ League is now EXPECTED.

I do like the German teams a lot too.  We are at the point in the proceedings where one or two really tough matchups will get drawn and one or two teams will get easy draws.  In my ideal world, the three Spanish teams would avoid each other and only one German team would have to play a Spanish team. The draw for the quarterfinals took place on Friday in Europe.

So, you know how we always bitch that we don’t ever get what we want?  Well, I am happy to say I’m wrong. Here are the juicy matchups (first team listed is at home on first leg):

Juventus v Barcelona

This is a tough, but manageable matchup for Barcelona as long as they don’t shit the bed like they did in Paris.  Side stories will be Dani Alves facing his former team and how well Gianluigi Buffon is still playing at my age.  Well, not really my age, but he’s pretty fucking close.  I say that Juventus win 1-0 on the first leg and Barcelona squeak out a 3-1 win at home to advance.

Bayern München v Real Madrid

There had to be one matchup that deserved to be further along in the competition and this is it.  Honestly, this probably should/would have been the title game.  These two games are going to be must-watch TV and I am fucking stoked that I’ll be in Spain when the first leg happens.   Toss a coin on this one.  I do think, however, that Real have the advantage of playing at home on the second leg.  Just for that, I’m giving them the nod.

Borussia Dortmund v Monaco

Probably the easiest matchup for both sides, this will probably end up being quite even.  They are both good teams, but not great like the others.  Does Monaco have another home comeback in them?  I say no.  The Germans move on.

Atlético Madrid v Leicester City

This is where Leicester’s dream run ends.  While they do have the advantage of playing at home on the second leg, Atlético are capable of holding the Foxes goal-less for the entire tie.  I say the Rojiblancos get at least one goal at home and make it count.

That would leave either two German teams and two Spanish teams in the semifinals or three (3!) Spanish teams and one German team.  No matter what, if you are interested AT ALL in good quality soccer, you absolutely need to tune in to the two Bayern-Real matches.  My mouth is watering just thinking about the games.  Also this: