Europe. As you may remember from last week, I am on vacation in lovely Europe. I am currently drinking alcohol every night and eating like a king every day so, believe me, I am taking FULL advantage of what Europe has to offer. Speaking of, not everyone has been to Europe, so you may have… questions.
1- Did you know that newspapers in Europe used to publish topless photos of girls DAILY?
2- And that young Balls, when he went to Europe the first time way back in the 90s, bought a paper every day and brought them back to America?
3- Are you surprised that there was a successful “No More Page 3” campaign against The Sun that ended the practice in 2013 and moved it online (NSFW)?
4- And that a similar campaign that same year made the German newspaper Bild move their topless girl from the front page to page 3?
5- Not a coincidence, right?
6- Is this why Brexit happened?
7- Since when did the Brits get so prude?
8- Is it dumb that I’ve forgotten my history and forgot where the Puritans came from?
9- Is there any logic to the fact that Brits are prude yet Scandinavians that live in colder climates, Germans that live in a similar climate, and Spaniards that live in warmer climates all have the reputation for being sex-crazy?
10- Seriously, have you ever seen a German porn mag?
11- How much bleach did you have to use to clean your eyes?
12- Are the Italians pissed because I didn’t mention their creepy sexist asses (no offence, fozz, but Italian-Americans are quite different from Italian-Italians)?
13- How could I also forget the Greeks and their love of well…
14- Holy shit, how can I forget the French and their mistress-having-and-accepting asses?
15- Real talk: how great would it be to live in France and have a wife that cooks and takes care of the children and a mistress that works out, has amazing sex with you, and then goes on her way and THIS PRACTICE IS TOTALLY ACCEPTED BY A SOCIETY THAT IS PREDOMINANTLY CATHOLIC LIKE ME?!?!?
16- There’s no way that’s happening in North America, right?
17- If President Trump was found to have done all the weird sex things like the pissing hookers and all that stuff and admitted it and said, “Yeah, you’re just upset because you can’t do that”, would it make you like him a little more?
18- Would you think wrongly of me that a part of me would be even more proud to be an American?
19- And that part would be my penis?
20- Speaking of, why is it that the absolutely most crazy fucked-up thing you can do to a penis, the Prince Albert, is named after a British Royal?
21- Are the Brits secretly really fucked up way more than the Germans?
22- Is that why they’ve gone against them twice in World Wars and are now contemplating Brexit?
23- Why can’t we all just get along?
24- Did you know that there are parks in Germany where people can go FULL NUDE?
25- Seemed a lot more exciting before I showed you the pictures, didn’t it?
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Little Billy is missing.
Compared to the U.S.
Which means that compared to the U.S., Antarctica is sex-crazed (this may actually be true given the isolation and ratio of men:women. Speaking of which, did you know that Alaska has the highest rate of sexual assaults of any state?).
As De Niro explains in Analyze This, it’s because there’s a stigma in the woman raising your child also being the one who blows you. But, seriously, Catholics are misogynist? Whodathunk?
The Master:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwMukKqx-Os
/Obv NSFW
Just because #19 has a question mark at the end doesn’t make it any less of a statement.
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You gonna do any Scandinavin’ while you’re there? I hear Sweden has some nice scenery.
That’s my next trip. I also hear airfares are amazingly low there from LA.
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You’re quite right about that.
http://itstinksinhere.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/swedish-bikini-team.jpg
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Remember – Prince Albert was German. Just look at this sexy fucker
He looks like something that would puncture a cockhead.
(Punctured Cockheads are playing late Friday night at Coachella)
The name deserves the main stage, but the actual band is probably relegated to a tent.
“Punctured Cockheads pitch the tent.”
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“I am currently drinking alcohol every night and eating like a king every day”
So what’s the difference?
The eating part.
No joke. I just had an amazing meal that knocked me out for two hours.
What was it?
It was a four course meal that started with a bacalao ahumado and angulas salad (smoked cod and mini eels), continued with a sliced Red tuna steak crispy on the outside and raw in the inside with alga wakame (seaweed – like side dish), rounded third with a magret of duck with caramelized pineapple and a blueberry sauce, and finished me off with a cheese tarte that was infinitely lighter than a cheesecake and way tastier. Oh, and my dad and I split a bottle of Rioja wine with all that.
Your application to move to Orange County has been approved.
Are you sure? Where he is at they pay the staff a living wage.
JESUS HARRY RODUNDO GISEPPE FUCKING CHRIST THAT SOUNDS GREAT!!
It’s great that you can enjoy this with your dad.
One-ply European TP. He’s going to depopulate a forest.
That’s a crime against humanity. Even Hitler didn’t make his people use one-ply.
/Spicer’d
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This is a true fact.
So is the Leaning Tower of Pisa circumcised or what?
“Yes, I am currently leaning towards pizza.”
– Andy Reid, when asked by his waitress if he would like dessert.
(looks at Dan Shaughnessy for some reason)
The Boston Globe has been posting pubic hair for decades!