Lone NFL note: the Draft is two weeks today.

As with the East, so too with the West:

Calgary: litre_cola

Oilers: litre_cola

   

Anywhoo, due to their futility the past decade or so the Ice Eskimos (Raycess?) have had a plethora of 1st overall picks. They have used them all on forwards which is why their defense the last 10 years has been a big bag of garbage. Which funnily enough one of the main attractions in Edmonton is indeed a big burning bag of garbage. The main bar area is called Whyte Ave, and it is great for swinging on power lines, stabbings and bad clubs.

McDavid is the real deal and there are a lot of McJesus jerseys floating around this province.

When they traded Taylor Hall for a mediocre D-man in Larsson I wondered what the hell Chiarelli was doing. It seems Mr. Hall was a big suck bag in the room and had to be moved and he took whatever defenseman he could get. Eberle is under rated IMO, and the Nuge is a nice complementary piece but still is a wee bit small. The German Draisaitl has emerged as a phenomenal player even though they screwed up his 1st year by playing him way too many times and then sending him back to junior.

Talbot has turned in to a serviceable #1 keeper, HOWEVAH, with the leaky D in front of them, if Talbot goes down Laurent Brassoit is not the answer and they will not progress.

Kris Russel is an overrated D man and there is a reason that it took for long for him to get hired. They signed Lucic too, and he is something.

I hope they win and the Flames win so we can have a Battle of Alberta on our hands which would piss off Bettman and make the end of April interesting around these parts!”

San Diego Mighty Ducks Quackers of Anaheim: Friend of Low Commander, Funky Brewmaster

I would like to start off with a little introduction of myself. However… as Low Commander has told me, everyone here is a terrible person and has zero desire to know who or what I am.

/Sips AMERICAN whiskey

So let’s get to it… The Anaheim Ducks are playing the Calgary Flamers in the first round. What does this mean for hockey? There will be fights on fights on fights on fights.

Imagine If Steve Smith played hockey and everyone on the ice looked like a baby. That is what this series will be like. The Ducks are going to be without their star defensemen Cam Fowler for the majority of this series after taking a blatant knee by Flamers captain Mark Giordano in the last matchup of the season. As this might be a problem for most teams, it shouldn’t affect the Ducks as they have some of the best depth in the NHL on defense. The Ducks are lead by their top line of Rickard Rakell, Patrick Eaves, and Ryan Getzlaf. They also have Ryan Kessler. For those of you who are Canucks fans… go fuck yourselves. Kessler wanted out, we gave you a couple bags of pucks for him. Get over it.

Meanwhile… The Flamers are led by top players Johnny Gaudreau, Sean Monahan, and Mikael Backlund (yes, I had to Google top point producers for the Flames). The Flamers would normally have a chance of making it to the second round with this current club. However, they have to play at Honda Center. They haven’t won there since 2004. What was popular in 2004? Myspace, Janet Jackson’s nipple, and of course water boarding. Point being, unless they finally decide to break the streak of 26 straight losses there, I don’t see them winning the series.

Anaheim has home ice and will win this series. Anaheim is a hungry team that needs to make a deep run in the playoffs. This team has been together for quite some time now and needs to prove to management that they want to stay as a unit… sort of like a flying v or something. I see Anaheim winning this series in 6 games. I just can’t see Calgary winning on the road. They haven’t done it in 14 years… it won’t change now.

ANAHEIM in 6

San Jose: sunrisesunrise

They lost to Penguins in the Finals a year ago. They were slower than the Pens. A lot slower. And even I knew that it was a miracle they won the game they did.

They kept the same core and wrecked shop for the first half of the season. Then, it stopped working. Martin Jones became average. Joe Thornton turned out to be operating on pixie dust last year because his stats are down across the board. Then Logan Couture decided to stop a Brent Burns shot with his teeth. Guess how that turned out. He missed the last two weeks and will look like a college hockey player while wearing a cage. (And will have jaw surgery and teeth removal in the offseason.) And for good measure, Thornton got his knee bent backwards in a meaningless game against the meaningless Canucks. He and Couture* are game time decisions for game 1.

To summarize: old, slow team got older and slower. If they make it past the Oilers, Jones will have stepped up and a few of the non-stars will shine.

*Couture started, yay! Thornton did not and probably won’t unless they make it to the next round. And the Sharks won in overtime.

Chicago: Cuntler

As a fan of the reigning Stanley Cup Champion Blackhawks; the best player/scorer/rape-denier in the league, Patrick “FUCK YOU, SILL” Kane; and best captain in hockey, I humbly request the author use this picture of Jonathan Toews celebrating his Cup win.

FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!

Love, Cuntler

And now, the rest

Nashville:

A surprisingly good hockey town, what Winnipeg could be with better weather and a flat exchange rate. They really sell the “Smashville” thing, in a good way.

The arena is nice

and when the game is over you exit right onto Broadway, and into the middle of about a dozen stagettes.

They’ll go as far as Pekka Rinne’s save percentage will allow.

St. Louis:

Normally, Internet Dad would provide commentary, but he is currently engaged in preventing the Russians from committing further hackery against our fair site. So, in deference to him, I’m just reprinting his preview from last year, with appropriate corrections for 2017.

The Blues (Or, the Most Appropriate of Hockey Team Names)

The Blues have, for the entirety of my life, disappointed me. I started watching when I was a wee’un, but really became a fan in the mid 90’s, thanks mostly to the awesomeness of NHLPA ’93 for the Sega Genesis. The Blues have also, in recent years, developed a reputation for constant overachievement in the regular season and immediate, hilarious pants shitting in the playoffs.

For the love of Pete, this team deserves to win. They play so hard every night. They could totally win.

But they won’t.

This is a team that will lose to an undermanned team, or a backup goalie, or a fluke shot, or a poorly-timed injury. They are comically playoff-cursed, and I’ll drink myself into the carpet, again.

OR MAYBE THEY WON’T.

Yeah, they have exciting players like Vlad Tarasenko, David Backes, Robby Fabbri, Kevin Shattenkirk, Paul Stastny, Alex Pietrangelo, and goalies Brian Elliott and Jake Allen, either of whom could heat up at the right time. They could totally do this, right?

/Sees Goddamned Yzerman shot going top shelf on Jon Casey which is BURNED INTO MY DAMNED EYEBALLS

FUUUUUUUUCK

Lets. Go. Blues.

Minnesota:

No.

I have standards.

Tonight’s sports:

• NHL:
  • Maple Leafs at Capitals – 7:00PM | USA / CBC
  • Predators at Blackhawks – 8:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet
  • Flames at Ducks – 10:30PM | NBCSN / CBC

As a proud Canadian who lives outside the “golden horseshoe”, I believe my sentiments on tonight’s games are: GO CAPS!, WHO CARES?, and FUCK RYAN KESLER!