With Leicester’s loss in the UCL quarterfinals (boy howdy, them was some shitty return legs), there is precious little left on the table to play for.  Everton are in Europa, though they could maybe pass Arsenal for 6th and skip some preliminary rounds (unless Arsenal win the FA Cup, making 6th moot).  Liverpool, United, and City are in a 3-way (ewwwww) for the last 2 UCL slots.  Theoretically, Spurs could catch Chelsea if they really fuck up…but it’s maybe a 2% odds play.

Really, you might start seeing lots of sides phone it in, other than Hull and Swansea, the last two sides fighting to avoid the last collar of relegation shame.  Hopefully, Everton keep playing to win Romelu Lukaku the Golden Boot (he’s 4 ahead of prissy pants Harry Kane) to prove he can win things on Merseyside.

Oh, the picture?  That’s Everton reserve forward/striker Dominic Calvert-Lewin (alternately nicknamed “DCL” and “Dominic the Striker” – I prefer the latter, but my fellow Blues hate my Americanisms, even though I didn’t come up with this one ,, smgdh) and his bird.  Holy cats, one doesn’t have to be a superstar to pull some pretty incredible stuff if you are in the Premiership.  I suppose he could also have a gigantic John Thomas.

Speaking of that…a guy at my office actually fucking named his son “John Thomas” (last name redacted).  Did this assdick NEVAR see any Monty Python?  Not know any British people?  Have any friends or family members willing to intercede to keep his poor spawn from having the shit kicked out of him on the regular?  Anyway, I reckon he’ll be getting murdered in his sleep about 15-20 years from now.  That will be justified homicide in my book.

OK, abbreviated match schedule.  Since there must be other cup shit going on somewhere or another.  Everton ain’t playing, so Hippo ain’t care.

All Saturday games are in the 10:00 window, headlined by Everton’s trip to West Ham (NBCSN).  This is always a fun match, as the Toffees fucking hate the bubble blowing cunts.  We fucking randomly hate almost everyone, but this is more randomly seething than any save Newcastle (oh, how we hate that those thundercunts are coming back up next season).  Swans host Stoke (CNBC), with a reasonable chance to get 3 points and put the pressure back on Hull, who take on 10th position Watford (Extra Time).  Perhaps the Moose/Hornets will take pride in a top half finish, and put up a fight.  You could also watch Bournemouth/Boro on Extra Time, but you won’t.

Sunday brings an NBCSN double-dip, with red-hot United visiting not-so-much Burnley (9:15), followed by the Redshite hosting dire Crystal Palace (11:30).  Palace are in 15th, but realistically safe on 35 points.  One could envision them bothering an easily distracted Liverpool side, even at home.

Oh, and dem wacky Spaniards have some sort of Clasico nonsense or sommet going on this weekend.  Hopefully, Balls will show up tell us why it’s importante (and whether the refs will blatantly cheat for Real like they did midweek against Bayern).