Request Line: Medical Attention

EXT. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS PRACTICE FACILITY – DAY

The camera follows a flashy yellow sportscar with purple trim as it drives through a set of security gates, then through a most empty parking lot before it stops in front of an entrance to a lush set of practice facilities, where a lone figure is pacing back and forth impatiently.  The driver opens the door and emerges from the vehicle.

LEONARD FOURNETTE: Shhhhiiiiiiittttt.  You’re already here?  I thought I was gonna be the first one to show up.

DAWUANE SMOOT: Early worm gets the bird, dawg.  My uncle Fred* taught me that.  You know ’bout the worm?

FOURNETTE: Naw.

SMOOT: You see, first you rent a big-ass boat.  Then, you…

A black SUV with an UBER logo in the windshield pulls up.

— [passenger door flies open] —

DANTE FOWLER, JR: What’s up, rookies?

FOURNETTE: Oh shit, man, what happened?

FOWLER: What, this? [points at his leg, which is wrapped in a cast and a brace]  Oh, it’s cool.  Just playin’ it safe.

SMOOT: Wait, what…

A flatbed golf cart arrives and a figure rolls off the back, landing spryly on his feet.

TELVIN SMITH: Who’s ready for some Oh-Tee-A’s?

FOWLER: Oh, shit, nice, man.  That should work real good.

SMITH: [glances at Fowler’s getup] Your knee’s okay?

FOWLER: Feels great, man.  I just figured I’d play it safe and give myself an excuse to sit out.

SMOOT: What the fuck is going on?

The two veterans look at the rookie.

FOWLER: You don’t know about the training camp curse?

FOURNETTE: Curse?

SMITH: You see…

The driver of the flatbed golf car, unnoticed until now, leaps onto the ground.

Yes, it’s surprising that nobody noticed him until now.  The figure pulls off his helmet, exposing a set of long, flowing, golden locks.

PAUL POSLUSZNY: There’s no fucking curse.  That’s a bunch of made-up bullshit.

FOWLER: Oh, really.  Then why the hell are you wearing that ridiculous armor?

PAUL POSLUSZNY: I’ve got an Expanded Universe event after practice.

SMITH: Oh, really?  Okay, then, sure.  You don’t think there’s a curse, I dare you to take that armor off.

PAUL POSLUSZNY: [demurs] I…

SMITH: Yeah, that’s what I thought.  [turns to rookies]  You see…

FOWLER: LOOK OUT!

The unattended golf cart, somehow operating of its own volition, plows into the pair of rookies.

SMOOT: OH GOD!  OH GOD!

FOURNETTE: MY LEG!

FOWLER: SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR!

Today’s theme: Medical Attention.  We’re talking hospitals, doctors, nurses, procedures, pharmaceuticals (not fun drugs; we’ll do those separately over the summer).  Have at it!  I’ll get us started with a band that made its bones doing the soundtrack to classic football story Friday Night Lights.

*Courtesy of KDFO’s research department, it turns out that Dawuane Smoot is not actually related to Fred Smoot.

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Subscribe
Notify of
114 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
SonOfSpam

I hate every ape I see, from chim-pan-A to chim-pan-Z

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2E1m90YSpA

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Steal of the draft. Even if this isn’t a draft.

King Hippo

Life’s too short to even care at all…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAsTlnjvetI

laserguru

Love these fucking guys.

King Hippo

solid, weird rock ‘n roll band

SonOfSpam

WOO Irvine represent.

Bloody Lethal
SonOfSpam

brb gonna draw the VH thing on my PeeChee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOpSS46VezQ

SonOfSpam

Lux Interior…best stage name ever?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUejkJanuA0

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
King Hippo

these guys are fucking great

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Their drummer is the best I’ve ever seen live. Dude is a MANIAC.

Their latest album I’m not a big fan of though, as they seem to have gotten rid of the guitar and replaced it entirely with a keytar or something.

laserguru
SonOfSpam

Did someone request 80s cheese?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APyl6Cnbfzw

Bloody Lethal
Don T
Bloody Lethal
King Hippo

/off topic, but I am getting completely lost in the multiple new tracks out by both The war on Drugs and Portugal. The Man right now. Really glorious, deep, perfect stuff.

SonOfSpam

The new War On Drugs is great (the group, not evil elf Sessions’ thing).

theeWeeBabySeamus
BrettFavresColonoscopy

DOUBLE SHOT that you won’t like:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhE7x_VS2xw

DOUBLE SHAWT of QotSA is just what the doctor ordered.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHDaKtx6bGY

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

This song is about climate change bad deals for America.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So my double shot was a reach?
It’s like you don’t even know me anymore.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I mean, this was just sitting RIGHT THERE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9Qrvxa-n20

theeWeeBabySeamus

Haha….DAMMIT!!!!!!

I need vodka. Fuck food.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m frightened that I’m on the same page as you right now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Embrace it. Once you get past the shame, it’s pretty fucking fun to be me.

King Hippo

The badass Metric linked, inspired me. Here’s Princess Canadia, solo and live:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsPdTuywQX8

theeWeeBabySeamus

/amorous sigh

theeWeeBabySeamus
King Hippo

oh, I feel bad for not going here first. oh, and Emily sexy here chuh chuh

theeWeeBabySeamus

And yeah, Imma grab this one before anyone else thinks of it.
Now I need food. Later taters…..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=notKtAgfwDA

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy hell…haven’t thought of April Wine in decades.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWAzlNe4j40

King Hippo

NO!!!!!! Sacrilege

theeWeeBabySeamus

You leave Flo alone. Hers is always better.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Double shot (the video is very medical-ish….sort of)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=308KpFZ4cT8

theeWeeBabySeamus

Close enough. And yes, it’s Green Day.
Bite me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnTZa4FY_7I

King Hippo

And all-time favourite #2:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyhkQzPLjcA

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo dranking hard early?

King Hippo

Damned YouTube kept giving me same link. Fixed now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hee hee. As long as YOU’RE ok.
LOL.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ditto.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hmmmmmmmm…….
Is it weird that this is the first thing that popped into my head?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy8mEOhSk0s