Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “I Scream, You Scream….Wait, WHY ARE WE SCREAMING????” Friday Evening Open Thread – October 19, 2018
- Your “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You” Friday Evening Open Thread – October 12, 2018
- Your “The Second Best Pot I’ve Ever Owned” Monday Midday Open Thread – October 8, 2018
“God. Bless. America.”
It was the morning of July 3rd, 2017. It would be a momentous day, though no one would likely ever know.
Yeah Right has just swiped his key card, entered his password, scanned his fingerprints and retina, and has finally reached the final security checkpoint….
Yeah Right: I gotta find a new job.
He enters the [Redacted] Aerospace [Redacted] facility located in [Redacted] California. He immediately sees that he’s the only one there. This is not good…not today.
Yeah Right checks his voice mail, and begins listening to one excuse after another of why his underlings won’t be at work today.
“I’ve got the flu. It’s totally not because I’m still drunk from the weekend and tomorrow is the 4th“
“My kid had a firework emergency….Walmart put fireworks on sale and we have to get some before they run out“
“Fuck you…I hate my job“
That last one was left, verbatim, by six different people.
Yeah Right: Shit, now what am I gonna do? We’ve got this [Redacted] contract up for approval today. I’m fucked. Meh, might as well go on [DFO] and bitch about it. That can’t make it any worse, right?
Yeah Right clickety clacks his phone a few times, then begins typing….then hits “Post Comment”…
Yeah Right: Shit, I guess it is just me. This sucks.
MEANWHILE….Somewhere in Southern California, a phone rings….
ballsofsteelandfury reaches across the two hookers (sorry, sorry…at this point they’re still “call girls”) and over to the nightstand where his phones are. He picks one up…
balls: Hello? Who the fuck is this?
There is no response. And the OTHER phone continues to ring.
balls reaches across the two hookers (sorry!!!!) again, and this time grabs the OTHER phone.
balls: This better be good motherf…..do you know what time it is here?
tWBS: Who are you, Nino Brown? It’s morning fucker, it’s time to get up. I don’t care if you don’t gotta work today. Something just came up. We’ve got a code 342 in progress.
balls: Wow. Yeah Right got stuck at work by himself and we’re gonna fuck with him?
tWBS: Yes. Now aren’t you glad we installed that code system to save time like I said? Though at this point, I guess talking about the code system probably took up more time. Shit. Anyway, make the necessary calls on your end. I’ll transmit acct information in t minus 3….2…..1….
balls: OK, it’s here. Got it.
tWBS: And balls, this one is big (hehe)….no mistakes. Oh, and call LCSS and RTD. They both like weird shit.
balls: Will do.
A couple of hours later, Yeah Right sits in his office. He’s torn between wanting to fire everyone who works below him, and worrying over whether he himself might be fired when his superiors arrive and….
Yeah Right (sighing and opening the door): Oh, shit. Here we go I guess.
[Door Flies Open]
Pretty Girl (storming in without asking): You call for Asian massage. Now I am here, I love you long time.
Yeah Right: No, wait. What? You can’t be here. How did you even get in?
Pretty Girl: You are friends….Low Commander, Balls of Steel, Rikki Tikki…Deadly? And….Thee…. What is….Seeee Muss?
Yeah right: What? THEY did this? But still, how did you even get in? You can’t be here right now because….
Yeah Right (sighing): Yeah…pretty much because that. I’m fucked.
Pretty Girl: You want fuck now?
Yeah Right: Noooooo!!!! Well, maybe. Just hang out for a bit. But ummmm….here, get under the desk here. And don’t talk.
KNOCK KNOCK…MORE IMPATIENT THIS TIME!!!!!
[Door Flies Open….Again]
General: Have a seat son.
Yeah Right sits down behind his desk.
General: Seems we’ve got some business, you and me. Me personally, I hate business. But still, it’s my job. So tell me son, why should I give this contract to your people.
Yeah Right: Why wouldn’t you, General?
General: How’s that, now?
Yeah Right (gaining confidence): I’m not in your chain of command, General. I understand it. I respect it. But understand that, you’re going to give us this contract….and you ARE going to give it to us, btw….because we deliver. On time, under budget. Every time.
Yeah Right’s confidence seemed to boil over just a bit at this point, and his blood flow became….diverted. His pants began to tighten. HE GOT A BONER, FFS!!!!! It did not go unnoticed.
Pretty Girl Under Desk (Beginning to massage Yeah Right’s throbbing erection): Oh My!!
Yeah Right: Oh My….
General: Oh My, well that is some primo confidence there my friend. I like it. I really like it.
Pretty Girl Under Desk (unzipping Yeah Right’s pants and beginning fellatio): Oh Sir, I like it!!
Yeah Right: I like it too, Sir…
General: You don’t have to call me “Sir”. We understand one another you and me. Just stand up and shake my hand. You know, to seal our business deal. As gentlemen.
Yeah Right: Stand Up?
Pretty Girl Under Desk: Oh yes baby, it is standing up. It is standing up real good. USA number one!!!!
General: Well of course, Son. Stand up and shake my hand. Where I come from, that’s a sacred pact…chain of command or not.
Yeah Right (hoping his massive slobbery erection will be hidden behind the desk): Well, if you insist General, I suppose I have no choice.
As Yeah Right begins to stand up, Pretty Girl Under Desk’s excitement begins to peak….and the resultant increase in “suction force”….let’s say….causes some “tug”….let’s say. As a result, when Yeah Right begins to stand up, Pretty Girl Under Desk’s head kinda goes BONK on the underside of the desk. She also then might have bitten down a little bit.
As one might predict, Yeah Right’s ability to stand up any further became compromised at this point. Thusly, he leaned across the desk…bowing one might say…and extended a hand to the General.
General (shaking Yeah Right’s hand): Ah, nice with the bow, Son. Know your audience, I like it. I was stationed in Asia for four tours. How’d you know? Eh, it doesn’t matter. It’s just nice to see you got a little Asian in you.
Yeah Right (stifling a laugh): Yes Sir, General. Something like that.
General (turning to leave the room): Lieutenant!!! Where the fuck are you? Green light the contracts and send copies where they need to go. And put Mr. Right here down for a nice bonus courtesy of Uncle Sam…but not one the IRS would get nosy about.
Lieutenant: Yes Sir!
General (turning back to Yeah Right): Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Right. You’re my kinda people.
[Door Flies Closed]
Pretty girl stands up from under the desk, and Yeah Right takes her by the hand.
Yeah Right: So how long did those assholes pay for, anyway?
Pretty Girl: Friends not pay for asshole. Asshole is extra.
Yeah Right: No, no…that’s not… How about you just finish what you were doing then let’s just go get a drink or something, OK? I’m too old for this shit.
Pretty Girl (dropping back to her knees): Oh, you finish, big boy. You finish real good.
Yeah Right: God. Bless. America.
The next day, Low Commander of the Super Soldiers, ballsofsteelandfury, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly and theeWeeBabySeamus sit around a dimly lit table in a basement somewhere.
They are passing around photographs taken the day prior, at some undisclosed location in Southern California.
balls: So he doesn’t even know we have these?
tWBS: Nope. Friend of mine lent me some equipment.
RTD: And you’ve just been recording the inside this whole time?
tWBS: Only for a couple of months.
LCSS: But how did you get in to plant the stuff and…..
RTD: And how the hell did you get the hooker in yesterday?
ballsofsteelandfury picks up his phone and taps it three times. As it dials, he puts it on speaker.
Voice on Phone: Hello balls. Nice to hear from you. How did it go?
balls: Hello, Sir. We’re not sure yet. The codes you sent tWBS worked just fine. Both times. But I don’t know how much use the footage will be, Sir.
Voice on Phone: But you got the Asian girl giving your friend head though, right?
balls: Well…yes, Sir. But that’s not…
Voice on Phone: That’s fine then. Just send that file along. I’m sure Michelle and I can find something there if we watch it enough times.
Voice on Phone: Michelle sends a hearty high five, by the way. But seriously, send the Asian hooker file as soon as you can. Oh, and a pack of Newports if you’re going by the 7-Eleven.
LCSS: Wait, so you guys got the acct info from….
RTD: But why?
tWBS: To help Yeah Right. He was about to tank that meeting. He needed to relax. Plus we really need those planes ready and in place if we’re gonna make America great again.
LCSS: Wait…what did you just say?
LCSS: Who’s “We”?
RTD (handing a photo to LCSS): Yeah Right looks really relaxed in this one.
LCSS: Oh damn you!!!!!!!!
tWBS: Hey, you got any more of that weed?
balls: God. Bless. America.
Happy Independence Day, Everybody!!!!
(Yeah Right…. go wash your hands)