Offseason Fantasy FOOTBAW! Roundtable and Saturday Open Thread

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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The following will comprise a conversation told by one ugly American and two upstanding Canadians (Maestro and Litre_Cola).  No names have been changed to protect the innocent.  I apologize for not cleaning up the format and syntax better, but fuck it, I am lazy.  I tried adding and changing the spacing for like 15 minutes, and nothing seemed to work.  Grrrr.

Less than 50 days until opening night, people…

Maestro:  Ok. So. A few questions I copied over from the thread that Litre started:

I axed a couple q’s.
How will Latavius do in a state full of Bjorns?
Will the Iggles wr’s catch more than herpes from a Ron Mexico reject?
Would it be worth taking a qb (foster) in a keeper league from the team that doesnt exist?
Is Mariota worth more than Nanobubbles due to the Hawks O line probs?
Carr-Beef Moe-Atari effective?
When are the Bills going to call me to play WR?
Will Crabs in the Pocket have a breakout season due to DJax being added?
Those sorts of q’s.
Sleeper TE -A Hernandez.
I’m at work currently but I’ll try and think of some shit this evening when I’m home.

Hippo:  This is all quality material.  For our readers…why should you listen to us?  Well, Maestro and Litre are Canadian, so that speaks for itself.  I am the guy who traded Le’Veon Bell mid-season for fucking Devontae Booker…yet still won his league.  On the strength of trusting a coinflip to start Sam “CrazyEyez” Bradford and Adam “Great White Hope” Thielen in the title match, but I must be some kinda wizard, yeah?

Anyway, I am all about promoting deep rosters and auction leagues.  Because I suck at draft strategy and selecting proper high-end talent.  Waiver wire and depth accumulation is where Hippo gon’ shine.
If anyone plans to be in the DC/Northern VA area Labour Day Monday morning and wants to play in a 20-man roster auction league, just let me know!  I am supposed to be recruiting and shit.
Back to those questions.  Holy fuck.  I could see Latavius having lots of value because everyone will want Dalvin Cook and FSU guys usually disappoint early.  Cook was just a cog in the machine, IMHO.  The Iggles??  Fuck if I know.  Dartboard.  There are too many Iggle fans in my league anyway, so I always ignore them (which ends up being helpful).
Yes, I want no part of RW3.  Mariota intrigues me as an upside QB play, for sure.  They still have little defense (but solid OL) and will need to score a fuckton.  Perhaps they will keep DonT entertained this autumn?
One hopes Beef Moe won’t be “Tony Dorsett Goes to Denver” but the odds ain’t in his favour.  Somebody else will pay more than me.
Philly feels pity for Buffalo.  I have no idea what kind of season the walking venereal disease will have, but I would definitely buy shares in Mike Evans.  He might be my favourite WR, and you don’t have to quite pay #1 overall prices.
Hey, in a deep league, it would totes be worth it to throw Hernandez out there late just for the laughs.  If anyone finds a way to employ the undead, it will be Belicheat.
More questions:
1) How many of the random breakouts do you expect to have staying power?  The one foremost in my mind is Jordan Howard.  Will defenses just send 8-9 men to smother him, as they did last season to Todd Gurley?  Or will he keep on breaking ankles like David Johnson (who had the lower profile like Howard)?

2) Speaking of David Johnson, how does that nasty Week 16 injury affect him in 2017?  Is he still the ELITE of the elite?  With apologies to Flacco Mayonnaise, Inc. Who else might step up to the “guy who wins leagues” void?

3) Are there any groupings (offense or defense) that you feel are on the verge of breakthrough or collapse?  I would worry about having too much stock in any pieces of the Yinzburgh offense, or the SeaTruther defense (which really started leaking last season).  I think, as Litre noted above with Mariota, that Los Titanicos could be an offensive tide that lifts all late round/$2 boats.  Would also be pretty happy owning the Raiders’ defense.

Maestro:   To put in my own two cents’ worth:

– I’ve won a league twice in my life. Both times, it was due to a combination of sheer ridiculous luck and also getting a huge boost from Drew Brees randomly going off and killing some team offensively late in the season. These two championships put me on par with Eli Manning, who’s going to the Hall of Fame… Right?
–  To answer some of Hippo’s questions:
– I don’t think the Panthers, and specifically the NFC South (outside of maybe the Saints) are gonna be dogshit this year… If Cam Newton can play healthier, I think Kelvin Benjamin might be in for a breakout year. From last year, with other breakouts like CJ Prosise probably won’t do much this year since I expect Eddy Lacy to gobble up most of the carries for the SeaTruthers; for Lamar Miller, who cracked 1K yards rushing, I can’t see him topping that mark again, especially now that this team allegedly called the “Texans” now isn’t scared to give the ball to a quarterback since Brock Osweiler has left the city of Houston, which doesn’t really exist. I think overall, breakout RBs tend to be the flukiest things to predict in fantasy; with short shelf lives and with more and more GMs ready and willing to chuck them aside for the newer, hotter models coming directly off the showroom floor, I tend to have shit luck with repeat running back success.
– The Cards are fucked. I really think so. I know David Johnson says he’s healed, but as a head coach, how can I possibly feel ok with letting him try and really work in his knee in training camp knowing the history of all that? And after a month of not letting him giv’er, how do you successfully switch gears all of a sudden once the season hits? The only possible way I see him getting the same number of touches that he was getting at the end of 2016 is if Carson Palmer starts the year as badly as he played for a lot of last season.
– I agree with what both of y’all are saying about the Titans; I know schematically some people might call it a dull offence or whatever, but Marcus Mariota is a franchise QB in my mind, and I think their game plan is very well suited to the personnel they have in place. I had Delanie Walker in one of my leagues last year and I was very pleasantly surprised with his output for much of the fantasy season. Defence wise, I know you’ll hate me for saying some homery stuff, but the Pats have a fucking excellent secondary since Stephon Gilmore signed on board. If Gilmore, Butler, McCourty and Chung can all stay pretty healthy, I think there’s a real good chance for a lot of defensive fantasy points thanks to picks getting created by them.
My own questions:
– With more news coming about Zeke Elliott’s most recent shitty behaviour (hello CrimeBeat!), is it still worth taking him high? I know the league has a history of letting virtually every Cowboy except Rolando McClain off the hook for some reason, but if they’re “seriously looking into the matter” as claimed, is it a worthwhile risk to take?
–  Are the Ravens gonna be dogshit again this year? Also, who’s playing running back for them now? Since Ray Rice got exiled and Justin Forsett retired I can’t even keep track anymore. I ask because if y’all think that offensively they won’t be ass anymore, I’d consider maybe putting a depth pick in on whoever’ starting for them in the backfield. I dunno. I don’t think much about Baltimore except for the times when I’m trying to avoid ever going there.
– I don’t think Jimmy Graham still really fits in Seattle’s offence. If you have him in a keeper league, what round would you say would be the cutoff point in actually keeping him on your roster between last season and this one?
– Is DeShaun Watson gonna win the starting gig for the Texans? (I think he is, based on the NFL’s hard-on for intangibles and GRIT, but then again I only watched Clemson play twice last year). He’s gotta be better than Osweiler, right? Viable QB2 option good? Good enough to make DeAndre Hopkins a proper WR1 again, or just good enough to fuck me production-wise in fantasy but still somehow let the Texans win the AFC South?
– I’m writing this after multiple beers and with essentially zero research and no proofreading. How many typos am I gonna make in the process?

Hippo:  Oh, that Zeke has been a naughty, naughty boy.  So much so that even the Dallas P.D. could no longer look the other way, it seems.  He was so good, I think someone will still pay close to full freight, and that won’t be me.  Who knows if this puts him in Jerral’s dog house or not?  And he could think (with some justification) that anyone could run behind that OL, and he has always loved fellow Pig Darren McFadden…

I expect the Pokes to throw, and throw a lot.  No Sophomore Slump for DAK!
Very much expect the Ratbirds to suck hind tit (teat?), so pencil them in for their usual 10-11 wins.  There is a Terrance West, Kenneth Dixon, and Danny Woodhead triumvirate in the backfield (sounds MOAR LIEK a CPA lunch trio amirite??) of which I give zero fucks about.  West could get enough carries to matter, if he falls far enough to hold your nose and take the plunge.
Rotowire has Jimmy Graham at #5 at TE, in PPR scoring.  I’m with you, that just feels ridiculous.  I’d trade him to someone who believes.  To me, unless he’s valued at round 9/10 for keeper purposes, I’d rather dart toss.
I can’t believe you are counting out DOOPY PANTZ!  And of course Watson would be an improvement over the departed Brock Lobster, I’ve taken shits that have more poise in the pocket than that fuckwit.  Still, I only see him as a scrambler/garbage time dude, and their defense probably keeps them in too many games to make that something one can count on.  Plus, Tom Savage could keep the job most or all season.  Clemson doesn’t really run a pro-style offense at all, so he could use a “book-larnin'” year.  In short, another “throw the remote at the teevee box” season for the Hopkins owner.  He well and truly deserves better.
Suspect you are right about the el futbol norteamericano Cardinals being thunderfucked.  They have a shit ton of weapons defensively, but still counting on the desiccated corpse of Carson Palmer is a very bad idea.  If DJ can’t tote the rock 30 times a game (and make defenses pay with said 30 touches)…they won’t score hardly at all.
A little help here, Litre?
Maestro:  Litre’s in northwestern Ontario right now in a special circle of hell reserved for fist-sized mosquitoes, so we may not hear from him until the morning, just FYI.
Hippo:  BTW, good shouts re Delanie Walker (the man who is always just there) and the Pats D. For onesies, they play the Jest and TannyFanny. A total of 4x.   [Ed. Note: WRONG!  Went back and checked, home fixture with the J-E-S-T is Week 17, and thus no help at all.  Also cruel for any side that might be jockeying for playoff position with the Massholes in the final week.] For twosies, a desperate opposition means‎ lots of Pick Six chances. Which they can cash in with regularity now. Evil gon’ evil.

Litre:  My 1st musings. Heading out for lunch then will see responses.

So if we do this semi regularly I propose 2 Moose and a Hippos ff musings.  [Ed. Note: 2 moose and hippo brought back the picture you see at the top of the page.]

My credentials are that I have won my big league once on the back of Demarious Thomas and no injuries through the season. Pure crapshoot. I religiously watch redzone so my heart can break with every play.

Hippos Q’s

Breakouts from last year to have big seasons. Jordan Howard for certain as I wanted to keep him in 1 of my leagues but you can only keep drafted players and he was an FA pickup. Counterpoint is that the long necked qb is going to be so bad that they will be behind a lot and have to throw the football. I do feel that there will be quite a few guys in FU mode this season, like Alshon, Brandon Marshall, Jamaaaal Charles. Although there is a reason that their teams did not resign them so maybe the GM’s of a footbaw team know something that the three of us don’t.

I do not trust any Cardinals running back as it seems they just replace them with another injury prone one. I have been burnt by Ellington too many times as I am a dumbass and continued to think that this is his year. I see people drafting him, the kid beater in N.O., and Beef Moe too early all just hoping for a chance that they return to their former greatness.

For breakouts, I can see the Raider defense being good howevah if their offense is as advertised then their D will be on the field a lot with teams attempting to play catch up which is bad for numbers. I believe that “Crabstealer” has a lot of weapons this year and if he can get his shit together the Bucs O will be formidable with DJax, Brate, Evans and if Martin is healthy they are loaded.

Maestros Q’s

I cannot take any Cowboy ever in any draft as I just can’t sit there and openly root for those bastards. I am an Iggles fan and hate the Cowboys more than anything, and that includes Chelsea FC (which actually is in Fulham), IPA’s (come at me), and being out of weed. I think Zeke will get taken too high as now defensive coordinators have seen what he likes to do and can scheme to stop it. This also is why I believe that Dak, Wentz etc will have a step back, and why there is indeed a sophomore slump in most professional sports.

The Ravens will suck because Fozz just got a job and that is his quota of nice things, and Twbs doesn’t deserve nice things.

Jimmy Graham is a tough one as he shows signs of brilliance in Nanobubbles offense but then will get you 17 yards the next game. You would think near the goal line he would be a great weapon but none of us can ever predict what the Heaux are going to do down there.

I believe that Watson may be worth taking especially if you are in a keeper league then stash him on the bench as Savage Garden will start until they go 0-3 and then it is Watson time for the team that doesn’t exist.

Hippo:  I like this regular column idea. Even if I am Hippo thoughts-ing Monday and Lesser Footying all day Saturday. Can run my giant mouth on this stuff all day, and you fellows are pleasant to talk with.

Redzone really has changed everything for the better. If I were to list the 10 people most near and dear to me, coked-up Scott Muthafuckin’ Hanson would definitely be there. It ain’t Sunday without him. My favourite aspect of being a divorced recluse is knowing that nothing can take me from my preferred recliner every single Redzone minute. I give no fucks regarding your wedding or stupid kid-related functions. Plan better.
I see so much football desert in the AFC North and NFC West (damned Ram It!! could have something if not for Baby Buster), that I am calling this one now. Bet the over on total wins for The Factory AND the Fightin’ Tomsulas. Yeah, you heard me. Let that cover some of your fantasy losses.
ESPN3 is streaming the Everton/FC Twente friendly in a few, so I have to get ready for Sandro Ramirez’ glorious Toffee debut now.
Tangerine and mango IPAs are blessed nectar of the gods. And SO MASCULINE to order from cute 20-something bartendrixes…

Litre:  I do enjoy Raspberry and Peach Ales (so manly)!

RAM IT will be a dumpster fire, the Factory will have an 8-8 season, declare it a new day and then fall back to a 5-11 season.
I still question whether Pryor will replace DJAX’s numbers. He does have a capable QB for once which should be something to see but the rest of the Redacteds are garbage. He could very well average 100 yds a game which would be a nice flex or WR3 if you play in a league that has them (I do).
We haven’t touched on TE yet. Gronk hurt as usual, Gates old, Martellus is in an offense that has other weapons so he will not be a main target. OJ Howard is listed on the depth chart ahead of Brate, Witten is reliable but hurt, is Hunter Henry for real???? So many qustions. I hate tight ends (phrasing), for me they are always 10 pts or 2.4.
I always draft D’s then k’s last because they are always a lottery ticket.
King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, the Donks can defend him thusly:
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut
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/watching “Hang ‘Em High”

Acting-wise, is there a better dirtbag than Bruce Dern?

Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

The funny thing about Dern is that he’s from a very wealthy blue-blood old money family, he never smoked or drank or did drugs, and he is a champion long distance runner. Maybe that adds malevolence somehow I dunno. I think “Tatoo” is his creepiest role.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed; it takes a special talent to portray a conniving treacherous asshole as well has he did. He must have borrowed mannerisms and affect from the Hollywood producers and agents he had to deal with.
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scotchnaut
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Are you feeling okay?

/that reply has “over the top” written all over it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t you think his role was much more challenging than Eastwood’s? Clint just played Clint in that situation, Dern owned the dirtbag role.

scotchnaut
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I was yakking specifically about Dern and his acting and you threw in his interactions with Hollywood producers and agents?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Um, yeah, see below. Didn’t mean to piss you off so.

Also tried to bring it back to Dern’s role… to no avail.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m kidding; I am absolutely sure that behind the scenes Hollywood power brokers are great people and always have been.

scotchnaut
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I’d like to sincerely apologize for not *getting it*.

/jeezuz!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What? I’m the one the brought the esoteric “joke” in, no need. I was trying to agree and add a powerbroker cut in there.

Just look at his career, some good roles in there.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001136/

Guess I didn’t realize he did that much TV; dude worked.

scotchnaut
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This whole thread is a big fucking mess and it’s my fault. I missed what you were doing by a country-wide mile, Moose.

/Aplogies

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No need, I do that all the time, including IRL. People are like “Whaaa….”

That said; you made me look up some of Dern’s stuff. I like actors like that; he has to work at a character while the star is the star. Someone recommended that book I linked, but I have not read it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’ll buy you an IPA….wait……

scotchnaut
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An IPA? So you want to make things worse? All right then…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hehe….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He did pathological really well too.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No one in the west had that good of teeth; logit dem choppers.
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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Tammy readies herself for the date with Ted.

Don T
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Trump doesn’t have that problem cause he was given a very nice mini-fridge as a gift from the Russian ambassador. It’s got a “voice control” feature that’s always listening! Isn’t technology these days amazing?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen
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Who is Beef Moe?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pro Tip; when searching for gifs of beef moe or beef mode often times images other than Marshawn Lynch will show up, several with “beef” in them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
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herodotus450

Up… rocks? Didn’t htey used to have a sports section?

WCS
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He’s just there so he doesn’t get fined.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I won’t be wearing pants. That is a personal choice. I don’t need a qualifier that this is actually a reply.

litre_cola
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Quite the transcript. Has Zeke enlisted the crack DFO legal team? If he only gets 1 game for his shenanigans then that is good hustle.
As for Jamaaaaal I feel like the 1st few weeks will be great and then snappo goes the leg.

herodotus450
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herodotus450

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am going to take the same strategy I have before in ignoring my deaf, barely able to breath dad and hide out until night. I did everything he needed done besides mowing the back lawn before he woke up, and fuck him.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

“It is a bitch move to mow only the front yard”

“You can’t mow it at all. I sweated through my clothes going out of a cig just now. Why do you think I mowed at 9 am?”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am seeing some Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer this morning. The thing I am having trouble believing is the White House actually did a daily televised press briefing. That doesn’t sound right.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The bikini as one of the versions introduced in 1946. So much hyperventilating and pearl clutching; the end of modern civilization was thought to be at hand.

Don T
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The Titans improved the O roster, especially with WR. Rookie WRs, with studly college numbers.
Related: what’s the German word for the facial tic from repressing high expectations?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Seppuku?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry, wrong former Axis Power…..

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Ireland?

THEY WERE NON-ALIGNED

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I learn my history from Archer, and he was pretty sure they were an Axis power.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Seppuku!”

-Irishman after fourteen and 1/2 pints (1/2 was spilled) to the pubkeep.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Stupidier.

herodotus450
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herodotus450

A continuous shot in a modern movie that is longer than 3 seconds? Holy shit, those were the days.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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