Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 89)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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Hey, guys! That’s right, I’m back after a one-week break. Man, was I fried, lemme tell you…

Hey, why are you guys looking at me like that? C’mon, it was one week. And I left you in the care of the Wee Baby Seamus, right? He promised to look after you guys while I was gone. He even…

What? You’re glaring at me. Okay, what did Seamus do? Was it the sniffing thing? Well, that just means he likes you! And…hey, where’s my vodka? The freezer’s empty! And how come I can’t get anything but porn on the TV? And where the hell is my car?!!

Sigh.

It figures. I take a single week off in two years, and Seamus comes in and wrecks the place. That son of a –

Wait, what? When did this happen? I was only gone a week, people! Well, what the hell else happened while I…

Oh, that’s cute. Is there anything else I need to know about…?

No boobs? Oh, for… Look, if I wanna show off some of my cheescake illos, I’m gonna do it! Boobs and all! And there’s nothing you can do to stop –

Oh. Oh, that’s just… Yeah, I’m not gonna do that again. Ugh. That’s just unpleasant.

Look, if it’s all the same to you guys, let’s just jump right back into HRTN. I need something to make me forget…that…

The scene: The far-flung future! Doktor Zymm’s RV speeds through the desert, Low Commander at the wheel. The RV has an eight-foot long squirrel tail attached to the rear, flapping along in the breeze. Inside the RV, Beerguyrob sits in the hot tub with Hard-Boiled Detective, drinking brewskies. Brocky is sitting in the passenger seat, while Top Detective, Lord Revisisle and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly hang out on the sofa.

Beerguyrob (burping): Gotta say, those roasted squirrel bits really hit the spot.

Hard-Boiled Detective (clinking beers with Beerguyrob): I’ll say. Living in Ape City has its perks, but man cannot live by banana cream pie alone.

Lord Revisisle: Although that actually sounds pretty good right now.

Top Detective: I just want to say, for my partner and myself, thanks. I don’t say it often, but when I do I mean it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: No problem, man. We…

Top Detective: Maybe I should say it more. After all, I have a lot to be grateful for. We all do. Do we thank the mailman for delivering our mail? Do we thank the sanitation crew for collecting our trash? No. But maybe we should.

Top Detective: What my partner is trying to say is, we appreciate you saving our skins from those freaks back there.

Beerguyrob: Any time. It’s been too long since I got into a good brawl, anyway. If you don’t count the zombies. Or the clowns.

Hard-Boiled Detective: Look, you seem to know what’s going on here. I just want to ask, where the hell are we?

Low Commander: I can answer that. You’re in the future. Well, your future.

Hard-Boiled Detective (draining his beer): Somehow I’m not surprised…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: So what’s with those raider guys, and that big-ass squirrel? And this Monkey City these guys are from?

Top Detective: Ape City.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Is there a difference?

Top Detective: You bet there is, mister. Monkeys are haplorhine primates. They’ve got tails. Have you ever seen an ape with a tail?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Well, I..

Top Detective: No, you haven’t. And you know why not?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Um…?

Top Detective: Because they’re anthropoid primates. Sure, they share a common background. We all do. But distinctions matter, mister. It’s what keeps me from pulling over a sky-blue 1997 Ford Taurus when dispatch puts out a warrant on the same make and model in azure. And it’s what keeps monkeys from being apes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (plaintively): I miss my drugs.

Low Commander: To answer Rikki’s question, this whole area is a bit…different. As far as historians can figure out, there was a big explosion in this desert in the early 21st century that left a strange residual radiation. The humans in this area kind of regressed, and the animals… Well, they changed, too. You saw what happened to the squirrels.

Beerguyrob: Yup. But that doesn’t explain this Ape City place. What happened there?

Low Commander: That’s an interesting story. The general consensus is that the ape community resulted from several of them escaping from a college science facility years before the explosion. They had evidently already been residing in the hills and valleys before the explosion.

Lord Revisisle: Huh. So…do you know which college this was?

Low Commander: Historians pretty much agree that it was a place called Valley Desert University.

Brocky (playing with his class ring): Heh. Good ol’ V.D. University.

Flashback to: Valley Desert University, centuries ago. Specifically, the primate labs. It’s dark, since the place is closed up, but a suspicious flashlight beam can be seen through the window. There’s a rattling at the door and then…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

A collegiate Brocky tumbles into the room, followed by fellow collegian Nomonkeyfun.

Collegiate Brocky: See? I told you the door would be easy to jimmy.

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun (getting up): You weren’t wrong. So, look…maybe it’s because I am baked right now, but I can’t remember why we’re here.

Collegiate Brocky gestures around at all the cages holding a wide variety of apes.

Collegiate Brocky: To free the apes, man! They should be running free in the wild, not caged up like…well…

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun: Animals?

Collegiate Brocky: Exactly!

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun: Uh-huh. And this has nothing to do with that chick who’s in the Free the Apes & Primates club?

Collegiate Brocky (trying, failing, to look innocent): Uh, which one…?

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun: The one who wears those really tight F.A.P. t-shirts? And gets really animated and jumps up and down when she talks?

Collegiate Brocky: I mean…does she? I hadn’t noticed…

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun: Right.

Collegiate Brocky: I’m just here to free the monkeys, man.

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun (opening a cage and shooing out a small gorilla): They’re apes, you moron.

The collegiate Brocky and Nomonkeyfun open the cages and shoo the various apes out. Most of the primates leave willingly and head for the door, but in one of the cages a chimpanzee proves to be difficult.

Collegiate Brocky: C’mon, man! Shoo! Get outta here!

Glaring Chimp (sticking out his tongue): Blpppt!

Collegiate Brocky (wiping off his face): Gross! Monkey spit!

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun: Ah, leave him.

Collegiate Brocky reaches into the cage and grabs a banana.

Collegiate Brocky (waving the banana): No way, man! We’re gonna free all these guys. Now, c’mon, Bobo…you want the banana, you’ve gotta get out of the cage.

With a huff of resignation, the chimp trundles out of the cage. He looks up at the banana and starts to reach for it.

Collegiate Brocky: Attaboy! See? You’re free n-

The chimp turns his paw into a fist and punches Brocky in the junk.

Collegiate Brocky (turning pale and collapsing): Uff!

The chimp picks up the banana and peels it as he heads for the exit.

Collegiate Brocky: Ngg!

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun: What happened, man?

Collegiate Brocky (in pain): Nrr… The monkey…dick-punched me, man…

The chimp tosses the banana peel over its shoulder on the way out the door. The peel lands on Brocky’s face.

Collegiate Brocky: Nff…

Collegiate Nomonkeyfun: Hey, you’re probably not going to be…up…to asking the F.A.P. chick out for awhile. You mind if I take a shot?

Cut to: The future again. Pretty much everyone in the RV is staring at Brocky right now, who is still lost in his reminiscence.

Brocky: Man, I had to ice my balls for three weeks! College, amirite?

Lord Revisile: I have to say, I did a lot of crazy things when I was in university, but I never accidentally started a civilization.

Top Detective: Mister, breaking and entering is a crime. You might think you’re doing it for a noble reason, but you’re still committing a felony. Sure, maybe those apes prospered in the wild, and maybe they ended up creating a city that I’ve come to think of as my own, but that doesn’t mean…

Hard-Boiled Detective (interrupting): Ah, give it a rest. From where I’m sitting, the kid did a good thing, even if it was by accident.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Hey, can we go to this Ape City place? It sounds pretty cool.

Low Commander: Later, maybe. I want to resupply the RV first. The roasted squirrel bits are gone, and Beerguyrob has pretty much killed our six-month supply of beer.

Beerguyrob (burping loudly): It’s what I do.

Lord Revisisle: But where are we going to resupply? We’re in the middle of a desert.

Low Commander (slowing the RV down): True, but every desert has an oasis.

The DFOers and detectives pile up toward the front as bright neon colors light up the windshield.

Beerguyrob (looking out the front window): What the hell is…Iguana Mart???

To be continued…

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Yes I did buy a tshirt and mug, you fuckers.

My uncle’s door mat that said “FUCK OFF!” was ny favorite, otherwise I would have bought the mat too.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

That picture of the painting with Seamus in front is awesome. Can we buy it in the HRTN store?

Senor Weaselo
Member

All proceeds will go to Beastmode’s therapy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Unrelated, what do we think the proper work etiquette is for re-watching the Geelong-Sydney match? Audio only while I’m doing other work? Toggling? Blatant disregard for regular work? Or reserve that for the 4th quarter?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

With a lot of alcohol. I saw the fourth quarter for about five minutes and I was done.

Beerguyrob
Member

I agree with everything about my portrayal, including the ambiguity about wearing anything in the hot tub.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Collegiate Brocky (turning pale and collapsing): Uff!

The chimp picks up the banana and peels it as he heads for the exit.

The chimp tosses the banana peel over its shoulder on the way out the door. The peel lands on Brocky’s face.

From the creeping darkness is a final, eery cry. “BRING BACK MATT!”

Senor Weaselo
Member

We can’t give you Corgi Friday, but here’s Monkey Friday instead!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

OOK OOK

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Pictured: FAP Girl

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Horatio Cornblower
Member

Well, if I must…

litre_cola
Member

There was a guy on chopped bbq who was bragging about cookin squirrel.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

The mighty hunter and his quarry:

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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WCS
Member

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (plaintively): I miss my drugs.

Don’t we all…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Squirrel bits go great with a [Trademarked]-Cola (and rum)!

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I always knew the future would be more like Fallout and less like Water World.

nomonkeyfun
Member

Don’t worry Brocky, if I wanted to ask out F.A.P. girl in college, the member of the HRTN crew she would be interested in is Dok.

I once asked out a female lacrosse player.

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

Good episode, glad you’re back.

Swans up by 29 at half … WOOOOOO!!!1!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’m ummmm….truly speakless.
But at least I am now meme’d into boobs.

That’s going on my resume.

Love ya, Beastie.
(but I’m still gonna find a way to steal your wife….just saying)

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

And if Tina ever does return, she’s got her eye on you now.
Fair warning.
😉

Horatio Cornblower
Member
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