Your “Don’t Want To Say Good Night” Saturday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

 

Well, there’s a couple of “games” tonight, featuring “starters” that will “play” almost an entire quarter. Except for the guys who are hurt or facing suspension, which eats up most blog coverage.

Game preview: Colts at Cowboys

Peeling back the layers of congealed gravy over at Stampede Blue, you find a fan base worried about their franchise QB and an owner who cares more about freebase than fanbase. The lead story is about how Stephen Morris is a better choice for starter in Luck’s absence than Scott Tolzien, based on only last week plus last year’s preseason. The beautiful part of this logic is that the analysis comes from watching Tolzien take on first-string starters versus Morris who’s only ever seen second- & third-string reps in preseason. To keep things depressed, they’re keeping a separate Andrew Luck injury beat.

As for the Cowboys, Blogging The Boys fortunately isn’t “All Zeke, Fuck Roger” all the time. They have a story about Ryan “Yes, They’re Related” Switzer and how – well, I’m going to let this finely-worded sentence say it for me:

Switzer will theoretically be what Lucky Whitehead was for the Cowboys, plus a lot more (you know like of actual use).

Hard-hitting analysis from a website with lips firmly implanted on Jones anatomy.

So, aside from a story outlining possible issues the Cowboys could face this season – oh look, there’s the Elliott coverage (no slut shaming) – it’s all “Dez looks great!”, “Dak looks great”, and “Look – Jerry bought a new hat!”

But there’s only one Beer Baron.

Translation: We’re going to get a lot of looks at the Cowboys backup QBs, as they try to nail down who gets to hold the clipboard during 2017. The Colts will be trying to figure out whom to sacrifice to an angry god in order to get HODOR back under center.

Game preview: Broncos at Cardinals

Mile High Report is VERY concerned about the Broncos starting QB situation:

So be warned before watching this game – there’s going to be lots of talk about Siemian & Lynch that if you don’t hear it correctly will make it sound like your TV has switched to a gay snuff film.

On the 49ers side, Niners Nation doesn’t have anything to say because it doesn’t know what people want to hear. There’s two stories on the number of scrimmage fights there’s been in their joint practices with the Broncos, a rationale about how many snaps the starters will get on Saturday night (20), an injury breakdown, and a story about how bad Blake Bortles is. The sidebar is full of stories about how bad other teams are, plus a shot at Jim Harbaugh three years too late.

So, they are clearly expecting big things from the game. The future may look bright, but only because they don’t want to talk about how sad the present actually is.

I figure the Broncos QB contest plays havoc with the 49ers ever-depleting secondary.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Colts at Cowboys – 7:00PM | NFL Network
    • Broncos at Niners – 10:00PM | NFL Network
  • Baseball:
    • MLB:
      • Yankees at Red Sox – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Little League World Series:
      • US Elimination game – 8:00PM | ESPN
  • MLS:
    • Chicago vs. Toronto FC – 8:00Pm | TSN
    • Whitecaps FC vs. Houston – 10:00PM | TSN

HAVE A GOOD EVENING!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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King Hippo
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If only the Donks played SF 16 times during the regular season. Or twice. Or fuck it, just ONCE…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Beathard.

Holy shit. Can’t make this shit up.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I do that occasionally, btw.

Beat Hard, that is, not make shit up.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

lol missed Cardinals field goal returned for a TD

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo
Member

That sounds fun!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

109 yards on a missed 63 yard field goal because lol

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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WCS
Member

Alex Jones was screaming at people (shocking, I know) in Seattle, and someone dumped coffee on him. This only incensed him more. Someone alerted the police about his rantings, to which they responded:

https://twitter.com/SeattlePD/status/898648339293421569?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=http%3A%2F%2Fsplinternews.com%2Fajax%2Finset%2Fiframe%3Fid%3Dtwitter-898648339293421569%26autosize%3D1

Make sure to read through the comments, too. They’re brilliant.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

I tweeted to him #falseflag and got blocked.

WCS
Member

What a snowflake.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Getting a lot of shit for my arm-shitting. And I used to think you all were cool…

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Getting a lot of shit for my arm-shitting.

Soooooo….your arm is fatigued, is the message I’m getting.

King Hippo
Member

we just all jelly

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Jelly is fine, but you do NAWT want to arm-shit after eating a whole tub of peanut butter

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Honey!!!! You still got those Realtor.com listings?????

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Boom goes the dynamite.

King Hippo
Member

De’Angelo Henderson? Prettay…prettay…good

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Announcer Translations:
That’s sloppy and unacceptable.

Translation: Shut up MOM!!!!

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

The announcers reminded me that I had not talked to my mother in a while.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Same here. You’d think we’d chat more, but I don’t open that hall closet much in the summer.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

SHOW US THEM MUSCLES BABY!

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Senor Weaselo
Member

Shit, the Ab-Abber 2000 works! The ladies are all up ons!
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King Hippo
Member

San Francisco gets first down, I am filled with shame.

Redshirt
Member

The Universe has a way of correcting such irregularities.

King Hippo
Member

chuh chuh.

/should not require 4 turnovers to amass a 13-nil lead

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I always enjoy the Wal-Mart ads that fail to show the aisles filled with slack-jawed morons wearing their best sweatshirts and fuzzy pajama bottoms.

WCS
Member
Redshirt
Member

http://www.konbini.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/9/files/2017/01/bullshit-course-480×279.jpg

I have been to Wal Mart hundreds of times and I have yet to see an associate on the floor except for the greeter and the cashier.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

And flip flops? FLIP FLOPS!!!!!

King Hippo
Member

only if they’s comin’ back from services

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I forgot to tell you this, holy shit….

Local Walmart about a week ago. Carolina shit all over the place, two racks of Duke shit, and a third school had one rack of items. Which school do you think that was? Warning, you’re wrong….

Grand Canyon University.

No lie, no NCSU gear, but GCU has shit in stock. Yes, I pointed that bullshit out to the manager.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Not to damn with faint praise, but the female announcer in this Raiders game is much better than her partner Matt Millen.

Redshirt
Member

Judging by his performance with the Lions, I’m surprised he even knows what a football is, let alone have the eye coordination to follow its along the field and describe what is happening with said football.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

He really was a very good player.

Redshirt
Member

So its like Ulysses S Grant.

Grant was a good general. That didn’t make him a good President.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I hope and pray that during the next “Southern Heritage” event/march someone goes and trolls the attendees with trivia questions about the Civil War.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

JSD drunk hot teak!

I kind of like preseason football. You see WAY more crazy play calling. The quality of play goes into the shitter past the first quarter, giving us insight into the NFL 20 years from now when most parents stop letting their kids trade concussions for entertainment, and despite it all, you get just an inkling of just how bad the bad teams will be.

Its kind of fun when you have consumed a shit load of booze and a concerning amounts of opiates.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

tWBS sober response: So about those opiates….

Redshirt
Member

RS sober response!

I don’t really see it. The play calling is simplified because they don’t want to show their hand in a game that doesn’t count. While it is nice seeing the backups play, most of the time I spend watching the superstars of my team play is my cringing with every hit going “Sub him out! Sub him out!! SUB HIM OUT!!!”

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Its just interesting to see a team go for 4th and 1 in situations they would never do during the regular season.

Redshirt
Member

Granted. If I was a coach, I would have a scenario where the Starting QB gets hurt and the Backup has to go in with the #1s or a Doomsday Scenario: All QBs are hurt and they have to put a non-QB in as QB. The football version of putting a Position Player on the mound.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I can’t say I hate being able to see the Raiders turn it over and just laughing about it the way that I laugh at it when the Jets turn it over.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Treatment for tendinitis: just stop using the arm that hurts.
Things that I use my arm for: eating. Shitting. Typing un- to medium-funny jokes on the internet.

Redshirt
Member

What’s with all this crap about thinking outside the box?! Arm Defecation seems like a nice alternative. Kind of messy but with several advantages.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

That’s, um, that’s not how you shit.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Wait, you shit out of your arm?!? That’s… impressive

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

*into

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I’m not a doctor, but if you are using an arm for shitting, you might have some kind of issue.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

If one wears Wranglers into Levis Stadium, will they automatically burst into flames?

Senor Weaselo
Member

I think only if you lie.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

You have no idea how fucking funny that response is.
Holy shit.

WCS
Member

BEHOLD: THE JETIEST TWEET EVER TWEETED:

“One quarter of Christian Hackenberg produces zero first downs, zero completions, three total yards. Two sacks for 17 yards.”

https://twitter.com/RotoPat/status/899061306598318080

Senor Weaselo
Member

Pray for Senor (and Revisisle, and entropy, and… I forget about whether Buddy’s a Giants or Jets fan)
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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

We all know which team Buddy’s a fan of.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

HEY!!!! I told you you could use my bathroom, but we agreed NO PHOTOS!!!!!!

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

The glory of the glory hole…I don’t know for sure if its a guy on the other end!

Horatio Cornblower
Member

But you don’t know that it isn’t either!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Schrodinger’s Glory Hole

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

“we are going to be relentless with our positivity”.

That sounds like a threat. Let’s call in a missile strike.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

They’d fuck up receiving a missile strike.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Did somebody say ‘miss’?”

– Christian Hackenberg, targeting a receiver

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Can’t say I have any concerns about this Raiders offense, though.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

DFO Clubhouse when this game gets out of hand.
(Artist’s Conception)
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Horatio Cornblower
Member

Von Miller, the greatest chicken farmer, outside linebacker combination since Old McDonald was tearing things up for the Decatur Staleys.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Cam Newton DOES NOT LIKE THIS -1

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Raiders secondary looking so bad they are making Jared Goff look good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

This just in: Kyle Busch is a helluva driver.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, look who shows up.

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King Hippo
Member

BALLS. COUNTRY.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

That’s funny, Busch Light never made me any better at driving.

King Hippo
Member

HOYER. COUNTRY.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo
Member

so…uh…you should look happier. QuarterPax ain’t never gon’ see the field! 😀

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo
Member

how much you reckon it would cost tonight’s ref to get his forearm’s waxed?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Announcer Translations….
It’s preseason, but there’s great energy.

Translated: This sucks, but we’re getting paid to be here. Hand me the bourbon.

King Hippo
Member

2 penalties on the punt? u noe it!!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Bleergh just went apeshit on that punt.

Redshirt
Member

Technically if a ref throws a flag then finds another penalty, he would throw his hat. If he finds a 3rd penalty, he would throw his beanbag. If he finds a 4th penalty, he throw his whistle. If he finds a 5th penalty, in theory, he would then start stripping off his clothes for every additional penalty he sees.

So in conclusion, BLEERGH may be rated X this year.

Senor Weaselo
Member

THIS SEQUENCE OF PENALTIES, I CALL IT THE DANCE OF THE SEVEN VEILS BECAUSE SOMEBODY’S HEAD IS GOING TO BE ON A PLATTER AFTER IT’S DONE.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

/ballsofsteelandfury applies for job as NFL Official
😛

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Elvis Dumervil had 17 sacks “not long ago”.
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King Hippo
Member

methinks that fucked up fax machine was a blessing in disguise. Seeing as he’s in Greater Footy’s Salvation Army Men’s Center now…

King Hippo
Member

False start, entire Donks OL

King Hippo
Member

hahahahahahahahahahaha

they’s trying to hawk 49ers luxury box suites during this ripe turd

Redshirt
Member

“Thars gold in them there wallets!”

King Hippo
Member

I suppose a Silicon Valley hipster could purchase one ironically?

Senor Weaselo
Member

Woo! Commence… eating a plum from the fridge?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

/rips hot sauce from Senor’s hands

Senor Weaselo
Member

They don’t make dessert hot sauce… yet. Well, Mexican chocolate?
/No, not you, Balls

King Hippo
Member

We make fun, but he throws the bestest murder ball in the League, yo.

King Hippo
Member

HOYER COUNTRY, Y’ALL

Redshirt
Member
Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Fuck Skype

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Isn’t that want it’s for?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Totally agreed.
/realizes it’s my shitty laptop but still

King Hippo
Member

It IS hard to masturbate when one’s pretend Latvian girlfriend keeps pixelating .. ppl forget that

Redshirt
Member

That’s Internet porn’s fault. Our imagination skills has been reduced to “inconspicuous folder names” and “how to get dressed urgently, quickly”.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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Redshirt
Member

My reaction to Bengals Fake Game 2:

http://i.imgur.com/19YD5Mi.gif?1

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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King Hippo
Member

Nothing livens up a terrible pre-season fixture like an extended review of a punt touching play.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Betances in for the save with a one run lead in Boston and me just sitting here drinking gasoline and chainsmoking.

King Hippo
Member

Looks like you win. No excuse, Donks/Tomsulas now!!

King Hippo
Member

Good thing I have plenty of refreshing, uber-masculine Crispin pear cider to get me through this Donks/Tomsulas mutual exchange of diarrhea.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Better than this Crispin Glover Cider I’ve been drinking…

Horatio Cornblower
Member

“Aaron Judge up in the 9th with RISP? Gee I wonder how this will end?”, I say, as I write a ‘K’ in the scorebook in indelible ink.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Nailed it.

Judge is a nice kid and seems likely to be a very good player in the future but holy shit is he lost at the plate these days.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

He was never that highly regarded of a prospect, so it’s not that surprising that he’s regressed to being a non-MVP player.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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