Your “Don’t Want To Say Good Night” Saturday Evening Open Thread

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHb60K2RLx0

 

Well, there’s a couple of “games” tonight, featuring “starters” that will “play” almost an entire quarter. Except for the guys who are hurt or facing suspension, which eats up most blog coverage.

Game preview: Colts at Cowboys

Peeling back the layers of congealed gravy over at Stampede Blue, you find a fan base worried about their franchise QB and an owner who cares more about freebase than fanbase. The lead story is about how Stephen Morris is a better choice for starter in Luck’s absence than Scott Tolzien, based on only last week plus last year’s preseason. The beautiful part of this logic is that the analysis comes from watching Tolzien take on first-string starters versus Morris who’s only ever seen second- & third-string reps in preseason. To keep things depressed, they’re keeping a separate Andrew Luck injury beat.

As for the Cowboys, Blogging The Boys fortunately isn’t “All Zeke, Fuck Roger” all the time. They have a story about Ryan “Yes, They’re Related” Switzer and how – well, I’m going to let this finely-worded sentence say it for me:

Switzer will theoretically be what Lucky Whitehead was for the Cowboys, plus a lot more (you know like of actual use).

Hard-hitting analysis from a website with lips firmly implanted on Jones anatomy.

So, aside from a story outlining possible issues the Cowboys could face this season – oh look, there’s the Elliott coverage (no slut shaming) – it’s all “Dez looks great!”, “Dak looks great”, and “Look – Jerry bought a new hat!”

But there’s only one Beer Baron.

Translation: We’re going to get a lot of looks at the Cowboys backup QBs, as they try to nail down who gets to hold the clipboard during 2017. The Colts will be trying to figure out whom to sacrifice to an angry god in order to get HODOR back under center.

Game preview: Broncos at Cardinals

Mile High Report is VERY concerned about the Broncos starting QB situation:

So be warned before watching this game – there’s going to be lots of talk about Siemian & Lynch that if you don’t hear it correctly will make it sound like your TV has switched to a gay snuff film.

On the 49ers side, Niners Nation doesn’t have anything to say because it doesn’t know what people want to hear. There’s two stories on the number of scrimmage fights there’s been in their joint practices with the Broncos, a rationale about how many snaps the starters will get on Saturday night (20), an injury breakdown, and a story about how bad Blake Bortles is. The sidebar is full of stories about how bad other teams are, plus a shot at Jim Harbaugh three years too late.

So, they are clearly expecting big things from the game. The future may look bright, but only because they don’t want to talk about how sad the present actually is.

I figure the Broncos QB contest plays havoc with the 49ers ever-depleting secondary.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Colts at Cowboys – 7:00PM | NFL Network
    • Broncos at Niners – 10:00PM | NFL Network
  • Baseball:
    • MLB:
      • Yankees at Red Sox – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Little League World Series:
      • US Elimination game – 8:00PM | ESPN
  • MLS:
    • Chicago vs. Toronto FC – 8:00Pm | TSN
    • Whitecaps FC vs. Houston – 10:00PM | TSN

HAVE A GOOD EVENING!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Announcer Translations….
It’s preseason, but there’s great energy.

Translated: This sucks, but we’re getting paid to be here. Hand me the bourbon.

King Hippo

2 penalties on the punt? u noe it!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Bleergh just went apeshit on that punt.

Redshirt

Technically if a ref throws a flag then finds another penalty, he would throw his hat. If he finds a 3rd penalty, he would throw his beanbag. If he finds a 4th penalty, he throw his whistle. If he finds a 5th penalty, in theory, he would then start stripping off his clothes for every additional penalty he sees.

So in conclusion, BLEERGH may be rated X this year.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/ballsofsteelandfury applies for job as NFL Official
😛

Senor Weaselo

THIS SEQUENCE OF PENALTIES, I CALL IT THE DANCE OF THE SEVEN VEILS BECAUSE SOMEBODY’S HEAD IS GOING TO BE ON A PLATTER AFTER IT’S DONE.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Elvis Dumervil had 17 sacks “not long ago”.
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King Hippo

methinks that fucked up fax machine was a blessing in disguise. Seeing as he’s in Greater Footy’s Salvation Army Men’s Center now…

King Hippo

False start, entire Donks OL

King Hippo

hahahahahahahahahahaha

they’s trying to hawk 49ers luxury box suites during this ripe turd

Redshirt

“Thars gold in them there wallets!”

King Hippo

I suppose a Silicon Valley hipster could purchase one ironically?

Senor Weaselo

Woo! Commence… eating a plum from the fridge?

theeWeeBabySeamus

/rips hot sauce from Senor’s hands

Senor Weaselo

They don’t make dessert hot sauce… yet. Well, Mexican chocolate?
/No, not you, Balls

King Hippo

We make fun, but he throws the bestest murder ball in the League, yo.

King Hippo

HOYER COUNTRY, Y’ALL

Redshirt
Unsurprised

Fuck Skype

King Hippo

It IS hard to masturbate when one’s pretend Latvian girlfriend keeps pixelating .. ppl forget that

Redshirt

That’s Internet porn’s fault. Our imagination skills has been reduced to “inconspicuous folder names” and “how to get dressed urgently, quickly”.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Totally agreed.
/realizes it’s my shitty laptop but still

Horatio Cornblower

Isn’t that want it’s for?

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Redshirt

My reaction to Bengals Fake Game 2:

http://i.imgur.com/19YD5Mi.gif?1

Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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King Hippo

Nothing livens up a terrible pre-season fixture like an extended review of a punt touching play.

Horatio Cornblower

Betances in for the save with a one run lead in Boston and me just sitting here drinking gasoline and chainsmoking.

King Hippo

Looks like you win. No excuse, Donks/Tomsulas now!!

King Hippo

Good thing I have plenty of refreshing, uber-masculine Crispin pear cider to get me through this Donks/Tomsulas mutual exchange of diarrhea.

herodotus450

Better than this Crispin Glover Cider I’ve been drinking…

Horatio Cornblower

“Aaron Judge up in the 9th with RISP? Gee I wonder how this will end?”, I say, as I write a ‘K’ in the scorebook in indelible ink.

Horatio Cornblower

Nailed it.

Judge is a nice kid and seems likely to be a very good player in the future but holy shit is he lost at the plate these days.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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...

He was never that highly regarded of a prospect, so it’s not that surprising that he’s regressed to being a non-MVP player.

King Hippo

Jeebus what kind of footwork/throw was THAT??

...

Ah yes, the ol’ “Bears fans travel” line. No, dumbasses, they live there.

Unsurprised

Do Bears fans even travel south of Soldier Field?

...

I don’t think traveling to see any NFL team is really that big of a thing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

WHO WANTS TO VANDERSEX VANDERDOES?

Senor Weaselo

Not Mutombo, 2/10, would not vanderbang.

Brick Meathook

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Horatio Cornblower

I would reply “Treehouse!” and Frank would have said “Oh hey, me too!”, and then we would have been the best of friends.

Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Unsurprised

Horatio is a good boy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Senor Weaselo

Aaaand Houdini gets out of another one, and Horatio, Fronkensteen, and I exhale.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sounds like a euphemism….
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Horatio Cornblower

I was watching GLOW. What did I miss?

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
JustStopDude

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herodotus450

All those years of watching the scrambled channels… I don’t remember seeing this.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s because there is no Homer in scrambled porn.
/could be wrong
//don’t tell me if I am

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Hey, Wakezilla, did I miss you on your way to Cannon Beach?

herodotus450

All this eclipse fever has gotten me an idea…
Using the power of frames of reference, and for just 19.95 199.95 you can make your very own COMPLETE solar eclipse without having to worry about such trivialities as location in spacetime. Behold, the eclipseomatic 4000:
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Unsurprised

“Kellen Moore is trending worldwide on Twitter. That has to be good!”

[Ron Howard]
“It’s not good.”

Unsurprised

Ah. Summers in Oregon. I’m freezing my ass off and it’s August. I don’t get these weirdos.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

If she’s the weirdo, please send her my way.
/prepares the dungeon

Unsurprised

Worse. A lawyer.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I can work with that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m watching AFL match replays and getting very nervous…

Unsurprised

Fuck. I had a genius idea and then went on reddit like a dumbass on automatic pilot and just wasted an hour writing about something that doesn’t matter because it’s for an edition of a RPG that was succeeded by a new one 12 years ago, and it may actually not apply to the edition that came out in 1998, in which case I am really fucking dumb.

Anyway, I wanted to bitch before I have to do this conference skype and can’t dick joke here. 🙁

*something something comments in the previous post*

blaxabbath

Is this game called Cones of Dunshire?

JustStopDude

The NFL network has commercials that are on par with public access channels.

King Hippo

Hey, I tol’ yas our QBs wuz butt.

Pokes/HODOR!-free Humps is really a bad game. Even by pre-season standards.

JustStopDude

We got a punter down. I repeat…the punter is down.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m entirely too sober after that beer festival. Time for a beer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

What the fuck, dude?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I tried

Unsurprised

Fair enough.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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JustStopDude

Mental note…

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Never try to carjack three dudes at a football practice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Kellen Winslow Jr. does his own car jacking.

Unsurprised

Burque never fails.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And Hackenberg miraculously escapes another turnover.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eddie are you okay?

theeWeeBabySeamus

He really knows how to “sway” the jury.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[Hackenburg fumbled on his very first pass attempt. Wasn’t really his fault; protection was terrible.]

Senor Weaselo

Sounds about right.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

FUCK YEAH JETS! GET READY FOR THE HACKENBURG EXPERIENCE!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Oh wait, the Jets are playing. I should probably watch that. Wait, no I shouldn’t, fuck that.

JustStopDude

Minus that fumble just now, the Cowboys are looking pretty good. It looks like it will be a fight between them and themselves for the NFC East.

blaxabbath

Looks like McCain didn’t expire on the table.

Thank you to the wonderful team @MayoClinic – we appreciate everything you do! pic.twitter.com/2eMV6NMSV8

— John McCain (@SenJohnMcCain) August 19, 2017

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Free healthcare for the aged.

*Congress

Unsurprised

MOTHERFUCKERS!

Oh, well. It’s not like they’ve ever turned away monsters and war criminals before. Hippocratic Oath, my ass.

blaxabbath

Fun fact: the mrs works at the second-best hospital in the Valley (after Mayo, who treated McCain). Her hospital, which isn’t good enough for McCain, is too good for some insurance plans, as is.

Congress’ floor is the rest of our’s ceiling.

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