Your half-assed completely biased Premier League preview Part 2 and Saturday open thread?

We are back after quite the week 1 where there were some happy moments and as usual some real angry moments. So Huddersfield town looked good eh? Won’t last. Chelsea lost which made me overjoyed, and Everton won which made Hippo happy. I will delay no further unless the boss of Lesser Footy has any thing to say. Here is the 2nd part of our Lesser footy preview.

[KH: I don’t have much by way of preview, other than my dread of Everton’s visit to the Etihad for Monday Night Footy.  In between legs of Europa against a scary white power Croatian side?  Prepare thine anus indeed.  And hahahaha, the Redshite drew with the Moose-Hornets of Watford, because of course they did.]

Hippo you should really watch this if ya want to travel with the Toffees to Croatia. It is a little bit dated but amazing.

Manchester City- Manchester

This is my least hated of the two clubs in Manchester. They have a tonne of money behind them, a super manager and their supports minus the Gallagher Brothers aren’t extremely dickish about it. They had a lot of names that are getting on in age replaced by younger versions. The list of notable players leaving is very impressive, it includes Joe Hart, Pable Zabaleta, Gael Clichy, Fernando, Ihenacho. It seems strange to me that none of them wanted to go to Fulham. The players coming in looked good in week 1 with Kyle Walker playing extremely well. City has also added Danilo (R. Madrid), Ederson (Benfica), something called Luiz for 26 million pounds, and went and got Mendy from Monaco. They overachieved last year domestically, and in the Champions League so I expected the vultures to circle luring the players away with big money.  Aguero is still there and he is so fun to watch. I think DeBruyne is very talented and is over shadowed by his flashy team mates.

[KH: DeBruyne is my favourite as well, most underrated player in the Prem by far.  This is the late, great Ian Curtis’ side, and a shame he never got to see them succeed whilst in non-ghost form.] Good work on the spelling of favoUrite.

LC Prediction :They will challenge for the league, they always will as long as dirty oil money is afoot. I am ok with that as I rather them than Man U, Chelsea, Liverpool. Have to pick your battles, you just can’t hate everyone.

[KH: Yup. Win the League, ye bloodless mercenaries.]

Manchester United- Figure it out.

I don’t know how to put this nicely. I hate them. Always have. Always will. They are always good and always attract the best players in the transfer market. They signed Hippo’s guy Lukaku this year to replace Zlatan and he looked really good last week.  [KH: Just fuck them bloody, I will not watch them win thanks to Big Rom covering up their myriad faults and seeing that smug grin on fuckhead McGee’s stupid face.]  They pounded on West Ham and it never looked in doubt. Matic came from Chelsea which seemed weird to me but I always think that when a guy goes from one big club to another big club. The saviour kid of a few years ago Januzaj got shown the door and went to Sociedad which IMO is a huge step backward in his progression. Zlatan is smoking cigarettes being the most interesting man in the world so he is gone as well. The “chosen one” can go to hell too.

LC Prediction : Challenge for top 4 thus a Champions League position, or win the Europa league and backdoor their way in.

Newcastle United – Newcastle

If you ever get the chance to go to Newcastle you take it. That city is so much fun and the people are unreal. Be warned though that their accent is as difficult as a Scot from the hills. You will be asking them to repeat themselves many times as they have their own dialect too.  They won the Championship and there was never a doubt last year that they would be coming up. In all seriousness they should never be in the lower division as they have been class in the premier league for so long. Their transfers were underwhelming and they really needed to bolster their ranks but their owner Mike Ashley is a disgrace and is happy to be at the bottom of the table every year to get that sweet teevee money because he knows the supporters will always show up.

[KH: Evertonians hate the Barcodes, and I am no exception.  I would love them to be a yo-yo team forever.] I can see that, when they were up they always battled just below the rich clubs up top.

LC Prediction : Lower half of the table, but surviving, as it is a process……

WCS prediction : Inevitable 15th place. Newcastle United is the Detroit Lions of the EPL.

Southampton F.C. – Southampton, Hampshire

They had a fantastic season for their standards finishing 8th last season. They play out of a stadium that holds 32K which I think is a fantastic size of stadium when it comes to sight lines and being able to see everything. I have been to the Camp Nou which holds 99K and have sat in numerous locations for a far range in prices and the difference is remarkable. If the stadium only holds 32K you can get in for cheap and have money for beer pre and post game! I have a love of visiting different stadiums when I am abroad and my personal favoUrite after all these years is still Amsterdam Arena to see Ajax. It’s seats are all covered and it was pouring rain on the pitch and we were dry and high. I am rambling as I know very little about Southampton who brought in few players and a lot of guys left. Their nickname is the Saints, so I would assume they sing “When the Saints go marching in”.

[KH: They used to be mediocre, but interesting, now just the former applies.  They can get fucked, just like their most famous DFO-exiled supporter.]

LC Prediction : No way they finish 8th this year, they will be bottom half but stay safe.

Stoke F.C – Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire 

Mark Hughes is their manager, the same Mark Hughes that bitched about his tea service when he was the manager at Fulham. I get immense pleasure whenever he fails. Guess what? Peter Crouch is still playing. I know right? A couple of good Scotsmen ply their trade here in Charlie Adam, and Darrin Fletcher and they have Chelsea loanee Zouma. They still play a bruising brand of futbol and are always in tight games so I expect them to compete in every match.

[KH: Ah, the mutants of Stoke.  A town, fanbase, and footy side that the 21st century (and all standards of hygiene) hath passed by.] That city is ugly, the people are ugly and they play ugly. The last time I saw a Fulham game live they beat stoke on a Darren Bent goal. I was in the Hammersmith end and everyone was going crazy except for the row of convict looking folk in front of us. I then saw Stoke tattoos on their arms, they were frightening.

LC Prediction : Same old same old. They are a club that always in the middle.

Swansea – Swansea, Wales

Wow, they survived last season; good for them. Who left? A lot of guys. Who came in? Roque Mesa from Las Palmas for a bunch of money. They are backstopped by Fabianski who I feel is perfect for this team as he isn’t world class but isn’t trash either. Being owned by Americans who also own DC United you would think that there would still be Americans in their lineup like there was last year. Nope. Not a single one. Levein had success owning the Grizzlies but it just hasn’t happened yet in Swansea. In my opinion I am surprised they are still in the premier league. I feel that they will be in the relegation battle this year as none of their roster jumps out at me as being world class.

[KH: Swans finally relented and sold Gylfi Sigurdsson to Everton (WOO!!!) on Wednesday, that record fee and the “parachute” payment when the club are relegated will represent a nice cashing out for ownership.]

LC Prediction : Relegation battlers

Tottenham – East London

Spurs were my personal surprise last season finishing 2nd overall. They haven’t brought in anyone of note to bolster their side this year and have lost Kyle Walker to Manchester City for a huge sum of money. You would think after getting a tonne for Walker that they would splash out but alas they did not. Things are not rosy for Spurs right now on the Danny Rose front. He basically said come and get me to the bigger clubs as he wants to be paid what he is worth. Guys like Kane will never leave and take a ‘hometown’ discount to play there. Spurs need to pay the man or bring in a reasonable replacement for him and Walker. With Lamela, Kane, Wanyama, Dembele and company they are still loaded up front. Their only weakness is at the back and as good as Lloris is if Rose is distracted the Frenchman will see a lot of shots.

[KH: The fanbase has someone affectionately “reclaimed” the “Yids” slur historically leveled at them, though they also do have a stereotypically cheap, Jewish owner.  That resistance to spend, despite being on the precipice of glory, probably keeps them from being co-favourites with City and Chelsea.] I went to Spurs v West Ham a few years back and the Spur fans now think of Yids as a term of endearment to themselves and chant it constantly. HOWEVAH the Premier League gave them notice that those caught chanting it would be barred from White Hart Lane. They chanted it all game as a fuck you to authority. They also got drilled 3-1 at home which was fun to watch.

I almost forgot to mention that they have moved to play their home games at Wembley while they are constructing a new White Hart Lane. That place was as dumpy as Qualcomm and O.co Coleseum.

LC Prediction: Knocked out of the Champions League fairly early and competing for a top 4 position

Watford – Watford, Hertfordshire

They finished 17th last year which means they survived by the width of a pubic hair. I went down their roster and Tom Cleverly plays there as does Heurelho Gomes and he is mediocre at best. Apart from that if you are a Moose Hornet fan then I apologise for my lack of in depth analysis. You get what you pay for.

 [KH: If you don’t have anything nice to say about the Moose-Hornets, hey is that a feral kitten I see?]

LC Prediction: Relegated

West Brom – West Bromwich, East Midlands  

Yo-yo club that I wish someone would just cut the string. Boring team, boring style, boring.

[KH: Oh, WBA is on teevee?  /nap commences]

LC Prediction: I don’t have one because I do not care about West Brom at all.

West Ham United – East London 

[KH: Didn’t think there was room in London for a more classless, tacky bunch of track-suited “fans” than Chelsea supporters?  Time to meet the Hammers!] 

Gotta love when a club leaves an old classic stadium and moves to a state of the art facility and everybody bitches. They left Upton Park for the Olympic Stadium which is 3.5 miles closer to the city and everyone complained. I just checked and it would take me 33 minutes by tube to get from Upton Park to the new stadium. West Ham was a neighboUrhood club punching above its weight and now they lost their soul. I don’t even know if everyone is forever blowing bubbles at the new facility. (they are, still not as cool)

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUB0LYIlXsY]

The Hammers brought in some names to keep themselves up in Joe Hart, Zabaleta, Arnautovic, and Javier Hernandez. They still have old horseface Andy Carroll up front who bangs in goals in bunches, he can go fuckhimself with that top knot.

LC Prediction : Under further review they could challenge for a Europa League position.

That is it for this years preview I hope it made you hate more teams than you like as that is the futbol way.