Your “Azathoth Have Mercy!—Light Is Dark and Dark Is Light” Monday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • The darkness that enveloped the continent around 10:21 AM Pacific came as news emerged that Roger Goodell had signed a five-year extension to remain League commissioner.
    • As the League is no longer a non-profit entity, details werent disclosed, but two things are certain:
      1. His is the only guaranteed contract in the League.
      2. Given that he’s reportedly earned over $210 million in the last 10 years, his average salary should be in the $25 million range.
    • It leaves him in charge until 2024.
  • Welp, it’s official – Trevor Siemian is your starting QB in Denver.
    • Because the options were many, and Peyton wouldn’t return any phone calls.
  • Anquan Boldin made the Bills regret trading Sammy Watkins by retiring today rather than spend the season catching bounced passes from Tyrod Taylor. As Deadspin eloquently puts it, two weeks in Bills camp will do that to a man.
    • He says he’s retiring to spend more time devoted to his charity & outreach work.
      • He won’t reverse course and return to play because “my passion for the advocacy work that I do outweighs my passion for football.”

Your NFL eclipse moments of the day:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BYEMdpUgZnE/


Game preview: Giants at Browns

Probably the only time in recent memory the Browns will show up on a Monday Night, it’s likely because of their opponent, the Giants. Big Blue View doesn’t think much of the game or the Browns, already projecting beyond starting lineups to where the key backup battles will be and whom the Giants could trade for key backup positions. Why, they’re even excited about Eli hitting the field:

There might be an occasional deep ball that floats a bit, but all-in-all Eli Manning has looked terrific this summer as he enters his 14th NFL season.

Yessir, that’s solid fan support right there that won’t turn on a dime after getting pummelled by the Cowboys. No way, Jose!

It’s always a party with the Giants!

Meanwhile, over at Dawgs By Nature,


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Giants at Browns – 8:00Pm | ESPN / TSN
  • Baseball:
    • MLB:
      • Red Sox at Cleveland – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Little League World Series:
      • U.S. Elimination Game – 8:00PM | ESPN2
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • the post-SummerSlam show, which featured a pretty good “Hoss fight” which will lead to a Brock vs Braun fight in the near future.

  

THAT WAS FUN!

 

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Spanky Datass

ALL THE TURNOVERS!

Sharkbait

My TV just turned itself off in protest of this shitshow.

Col. Duke LaCross

Oh Browns. Never stop being you.

Sharkbait

Those last 2 plays. What in the actual fuck was that?

LemonJello

Welp. Much like Eli, it’s past my bedtime.

Later, Taters!

Sharkbait

You can take the player off the Jets, but you can’t take the Jets out of the player.

Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

I don’t know anything about dance but I think that flourish at the very end really ties the whole routine together.

Romonobyl

I still wanna know where I can buy that snappy backless dress shirt.

Wakezilla

Greetings from Oregon. Hey, did you guys know that there was an eclipse today?

blackroseMD1

No way. Next you’ll be telling me that Antonio Gates once played basketball. Pssh

JustStopDude

I stared at that fucking sun for like three hours straight and didn’t see shit.

LemonJello

Does that mean there’s a full moon tonight?
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Sharkbait

Calling this “Pro” football is a bit of a stretch there Jon

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Browns season hopes in gif form.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Hey, Rex Ryan did color commentary on national TV without putting his foot in his mouth. It’s a miracle.

Romonobyl

Wouldn’t that considered masturbating? For him at least.

LemonJello

Hopefully at some point during the season, he’ll say “Let’s go get a goddamned snack” into a live mic.

Sharkbait

We can only hope

blaxabbath

Damn that was a good show.

blackroseMD1

Good evening, gents.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

So tired. Must go for snoozies. Goodnight you wonderful bastards.

LemonJello

Nite-nite!
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JustStopDude

“flex muscle” sign?

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

“Browns are winning? What the…? That was not the plan!”

-GOP

JustStopDude

Suzy…is she concussed? The teleprompter down?

LemonJello

Namath whispering into her earpiece from the control room.

Spanky Datass

Broadway Joe went in hard and fast and there was a collision of skulls.

Romonobyl

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Brick Meathook

Hey remember that gif that got posted that one time?

Heh heh yeah that was funny. Good times.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell.”

– Trent Green

JustStopDude

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Brick Meathook

This picture raises so many questions.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A few of the answers are “Deserved to die.”

Wakezilla

Mark Davis?

LemonJello

I remember.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

Can I quote you on that?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“….. …”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How much of a boost do you think this game’s ratings are getting thanks to Trump’s speech?

JustStopDude

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Brick Meathook

Is that The Edge down front? What about the other The Edge?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Come on, Cleveland, just like the Pittsburgh game…

JustStopDude

So…this is going to be a 3-0 snore fest isn’t it?

LemonJello

3-2 nail biter*

*you’re probably right

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you want to get all riled up before bedtime you can always watch the President’s address.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And by “riled up” I mean of course “Riley Cooper’d up” by which I mean have hateful racist rhetoric spewed at you.

LemonJello

No thanks, I went to boot camp already.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Oh, you too?”

Sean Smith

JustStopDude

I’m assuming we are going to atomic bomb the moon for stealing the sun today?

LemonJello

“M–O–O–N, that spells Armageddon!
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LemonJello

The Brownsiest of penalties right there.

Jeebus, that was the longest meat-wagon golf cart I’ve ever seen!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did the Browns just pull a guard on a PASS play? Oh Hue Jackson, your offensive play designs are so CRAZY!

(and stupid)

Romonobyl

So Brock Lobster had a choice between football and basketball in college. It would appear he chose unwisely.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What are you talking about? I’m pretty sure nobody would have paid him $50 million to suck at basketball.

Romonobyl

He could have always sucked for Phoenix, not sure about the 50 mil though.

LemonJello

Tom Coughlin agrees:
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scotchnaut

As a Gints guy, I’m gonna go with OBJ being the drama fella that he has always been.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was a big fan of Deshone Kizer until he stole the number twenty.

Romonobyl

I was a big fan of the color orange until November of last year.

LemonJello

It’s still ok in my book
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herodotus450

DeShone Dickity

JustStopDude

Young kid coming out of college with two years of eligibility. Concerns about his maturity and experience?

Can’t think of a better place to develop him than the mistake by the lake.

Gratliff

RIP Gints

JustStopDude

And OBJ is lost in the tunnels.

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Dear god everything in Cleveland is just…fucking….pathetic.

LemonJello

No juice box for Eli after that almost-INT.

JustStopDude

Yeah I think OBJ straining his MCL and ACL…we don’t need to see more from him for the night.

Epic commentary there John.

scotchnaut

OK. Fine. I’m not good with the Giants taking massive amounts of Ambien before the game but I trust the coaching staff implicitly.

blaxabbath

So I assume Richard Sherman has a no-trade clause including NYG?

Duchess

I don’t understand this eclipse thing am I the only one who notices the sun goes away for like 8 hours every day?

blaxabbath

Nerd!!!!

JustStopDude

Say what you will, the Browns are committing penalties like its the regular season.

LemonJello

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JustStopDude

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scotchnaut

Curling ads on my Canada channel. Oof!

Shogun Marcus

You best not be besmirchin’ curling! That’s a paddlin’ round here.

scotchnaut

It seems a bit early to me. But those curling fuckers are so eager to get things going.

Romonobyl

I can see why.

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LemonJello

And a warm and friendly greeting to you all, my Imaginary Internet Friends!

I have successfully traversed the mediocre state of North Carolina, delivering my spawn to their new abodes without being caught in any fast-moving currents or contracting dysentery, so I’ll call this weekend a success.

How are you all this post-ecliptic evening?

blaxabbath

bout same.

JustStopDude

Browns upcoming season in gif form…

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LemonJello

Are we the guy on the liquor-cycle?

JustStopDude

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JustStopDude

Fuck…a massive skunk just walked across my patio. I am not too big of a pussy to go outside and smoke.

I seriously don’t want to get sprayed, especially since I am giving training to customers all this week.

Gratliff

Think of how little they’ll bother you after class if you smell like you got sprayed

Gratliff

MY SOON TO BE FREE AGENT CLIENT, B-ROCK OSWEILER

LemonJello

Oh, we’re too good to go by our street name, Brock Lobster, now, are we?

JustStopDude

We are really…really going to be made to suffer for that 2nd round draft pick…

JustStopDude

Really polishing that Osweiler turd

scotchnaut

“It only takes three fingers to polish that turd.”

-JPP

scotchnaut

Substitute ‘York’ for ‘Jersey’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPeOkzadr5g

Brick Meathook

Wow, I honestly thought this was a parody video. I looked it up and Holy Shit this was a hit single! I know the name JayZ (from crosswords) and I vaguely recognize the hook part, but wow if you told me this was by Weird Al Yankovic I would have believed it.

Shogun Marcus

I have returned from a weekend of gluttony and light hedonism in Milwaukee. It’s a minor miracle i do not require a stent, statins or stations of the cross.
/looks at calendar…shit I gots a preview to write!
//looks at schedule…shit shit!
///flashes back to high school and college deadlines…sheeeeeit. I gots plenty o time. Ahh…how’s all with youse?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Enjoying the new QotSA stuff. New album is out on Friday!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exa0CzlCb3Y

Shogun Marcus

I concur!

scotchnaut

WOOO!!! WHERE ALL MY FELLOW GIANTS FANS AT?

………………………..

“Okay, what’s with all the crickets all of a sudden?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We’re all [*Redacted] s fans here.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I mean, who votes for the [*Redacted] s anymore, anyway?

LemonJello

We all float down here, too!
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Romonobyl

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

12:17 am text from a friend with the #Chargers: “Spanos fam freaked about attendance. Didn’t expect this.”

— Ryan Phillips (@RumorsandRants) August 21, 2017

http://www.ocregister.com/2017/08/20/miller-chargers-so-far-an-early-round-ko-victim-in-their-l-a-fight/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raI0GNqg-s4