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We begin with a simple quiz:

How many of these players are still active on the jaguars roster? I’ll give you a minute to go through it….

• Braden Albert
• Toby Gerhart
• Julius Thomas
• Luke Joeckel
• Maurice Jones-Drew
• Chris Clemons
• Marcus Stroud
• Marquis Cooper
• Brandon Marshall
• Josh Scobee
• Blaine Gabbert
• Ziggy Hood
• Dan Connolly
• Zach Miller
• Mike Sims-Walker
• Roman Reigns

If you guessed that half of them are with the team you’d be wrong. If you guessed that more than four of them were still with the team, you’d be wrong. If you guessed any of them were active, you’d be wrong.

Hello folks, welcome to Brocky’s expert preview of the Jacksonville Jaguars. A team I know next to nothing about, and with some help, you can know next to nothing about them too!

The jaguars joined the league in 1995, forever confusing the occasional football viewer who simply had never heard of the team. The team had surprisingly early success, going to the afc championship game twice in their first 4 years. Coached by Tom Coughlin, The 1999 team would go a franchise best 14-2, only to become the only team to get beat 3 times in a season by Jeff Fisher.

Years passed, after Coughlin’s firing after the 2002 season, and after a relatively average tenure by coach Jack Del Rio, The Jaguars were sold to Shahid Khan, the man with the sweetest moustache in the NFL, who for all the world looks like a middle eastern Ron Jeremy

and the Jags have had 5 coaches in 7 years, and the record to go along with it. How quickly fortunes change. I personally blame the teal tongue in the logo, that shit is weird:

Why do I bring up this abridged history? Well, it’s just the bizarre part of the jaguars: they always seemed destined to be a consistently below average team even when they were supposedly good. Their players are forgettable, their accomplishments lost to time. For the next 20 years, the jaguars already seem to have 2 games already on their schedule: 1 london game, 1 thursday night game, and absolutely no playoff games.

You look at the NFL’s other bad teams, they at least have a reputation for being bad. The browns are forever cursed. The bills are the unluckiest sons of bitches on the planet. The Lions will never wash themselves of the stink of wasting great players careers. What do the jaguars have? Other teams are enduring, eventually becoming loveable losers, but the jaguars don’t even have that. They’re like an alien species that you forget about if you look away.

This lack of sustenance reflected in the team’s fantasy stats: the jags were particularly awful last year: no rusher with over 500 yards, blake bortles somehow only threw 23 tds with 3900 passing yards, and the one supposed bright spot, Allen Robinson, barely made it in the top 40 among receivers in yardage (37th), and barely limped into the top 25 with TDs.

In the 2017 NFL draft, the jaguars took LSU running back Leonard Fournette with the 4th overall pick, in a scene I’m just assuming was similar to This cinematic masterpiece right here . Fournette would naturally get injured during camp. While it may be nothing more than a mild foot injury, there were already questions about his durability, and this won’t help that at all.

As for the rest of the team, well, i’m going to modify an old governor’s speech, perhaps you’ve heard it: 3-13 now, 3-13 tomorrow, 3-13 forever!

I hope you have enjoyed my relatively lackluster effort for a relatively lackluster franchise. I snuck secret reference into this write up, whoever finds it wins a prize!

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