Your “Bortles Has Vanquished All Opposition” Saturday Evening Football Open Thread

Blake was down for the count. We saw it. He was never gonna get back up. Not against The Smirkinator. But lo and behold, he put up some adequate numbers against a second-team D on Thursday night and that was all the Jags braintrust needed to see to make their decision. He’s the starter for week one. Some famous ex-lovers will always have Paris but Bortles will always have the first start of the 2017 season. Week three however… TO THE GAMES!

Ari/Atl: Rb Freeman is out with concussion concerns but Julio is expected to get in a few plays. The Falcons are hoping that te Hooper can be a presence in the passing game this year but with all the talent at wr the tight end spot was targeted only 77 times all last year. I’m betting Atlanta’s first team puts a raft of points up on the board that the 2nd team can safely surf on. It’s not as though Arians is going to play rb Johnson that much.

Buf/Bal: Brandon Beane has got himself a set of balls. Watkins and Darby are gone for draft picks and the universal sentiment seems to be that qb Taylor won’t be around after this year. This GM has got maybe two drafts to prove himself before the next phase of rebuilding begins anew. Bills headquarters is now located at Square One.

NYJ/NYG: What is it with all these alliterative tilts? The Giants grabbed the coveted home-field advantage against their abused little brother. The Jets may not be the league’s worst team/organization but give them credit-they’re always in the conversation.

Ind/Pit: Scribes that follow the Colts feel that qb Luck is nowhere near ready for wk. 1. So he should be comforted by the fact that his inevitable rash of lingering injuries wrought by his tin can O-line has been put off for a bit. Just like I said last year, this is rb Gore’s last year.

Cle/TB: Starting rook qb Kizer has been watching quite a bit of film to prepare himself for the season. He’s quoted as saying, “I’ve picked up quite a few pointers from Mr. Neeson in The Grey as to how one should conduct oneself when thrown to the wolves.”

Oak/Dal: The Cowboys front office is jizzing themselves over UDFA rook qb Cooper Rush from Central Michigan. Yes, he’s as white as the day is long.

LA/LA: In (another) move that has angered what’s left of the Chargers fan base, the team has fired 2009 Equipment Manager of the Year Bob Wick. He’d started out as a ball boy way back in ’79. The last thing this team needs is more drama.

Hou/NO: We get our first ‘who dat’ at AP in gold and black today. Seems to me that signing with a dome team that is dedicated to the pass game was good thinking on his part. (looking at that last sentence over again, I’m not sure if I’m being sarcastic or not)

GB/Den: The Packers D-line has been looking solid so far so that bodes well for the team going into the regular season. The not-rook sensation McCaffrey that goes by the name of Max is trying to make the Green Bay squad as a wr.

Let’s do this, shall we?

 

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Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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ALXMAC
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ALXMAC

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I hear that series is good, but I don’t really want to watch a series about one or more serial killers.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Dude is drunk as fuck.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

No, just full of shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I guess the joke was to esoteric.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

What was it? Flippant and pedantic, I think.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Dude is drunk as fuck.” Pedantic? Sure.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Just me being a dumbass.

Don T
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O oooooo YES
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A classic cartoon. When drunk I should call the hotline.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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One of my best friends is in from out of town and he keeps whistling/humming crash test dummies. I want to murder him.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

So you need an alibi. Gotcha. You were here the whole time. I remember.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus
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Best leaf blower in EVAR!!!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS
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No. Just… no.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo
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That is a lucky guy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WHAT?

*Can’t hear from the right any more.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo
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…At first glance I thought the horse got all camera. In fairness I’m at that point in the night where my right eye starts to get a strain, a leftover from a surgery I had when I was 9.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
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Dok Zymm?

Gratliff
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Apparently, the video didn’t play, and I can’t find any sexy nurse Dr. Wagner Jr entrance gifs, so here’s Yujiro Takahashi’s valet in NJPW, known to us smarks as “The bunny one”

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Gratliff
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff
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Overshadowed by the Battle of the Awful Human beings will be Dr. Wagner Jr being unmasked after 30 years in Mexico and revealing himself to be the Dos Equis guy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrVCJ28KfJ0
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Senor Weaselo
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Apparently the original Dos Equis guy was out on the Island sponsoring some tequila today.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury
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Got right back up. Gotta admire that!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No one touched him down, still can advance.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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JerBear50
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JerBear50

So how many racially charged bar fights do you suppose are being broken up right now?

litre_cola
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Finished at my bar (not sports bar) walked across the street just in time. 4 happened before it was done.

JerBear50
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JerBear50

Yeah, kinda figured it was coming. Jesus, aren’t you in Canadialand?

ballsofsteelandfury
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Yeah, I’m surprised there are black people in Canadialand too.

JerBear50
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JerBear50

Heh. Knew there were a few but didn’t realize it was as tense up there as it is down here. Do they not realize we’re a bad influence?

ballsofsteelandfury
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That reminds me of Dave Attell’s bit about the Alaskan KKK, “Let’s go get…Eric!”

litre_cola
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Yeah, quite a few in major cities. It seemed that the fights were all white fuckwits but 50/50 african, jamaican guys.

JerBear50
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JerBear50

Edelman and McGregor in one weekend… Boston might be in ashes by Monday.

ballsofsteelandfury
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One can only hope…

JerBear50
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JerBear50

May the flames reach Foxborough.

JerBear50
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JerBear50

+1 one legged man

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
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Socks with sandals. She got what she deserved.

ballsofsteelandfury
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– Rex Ryan

WCS
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So, how much for the rematch between this two slapdicks?

ballsofsteelandfury
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Only if there is a cheetah in the ring

JerBear50
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JerBear50

It won’t generate enough heat for another huge payday like this. McGregor did more than anyone thought he would, but it’s not like it was that close a fight, at least not after the first few rounds.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
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Walk’s over!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury
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Let me guess, the dog’s name became Spot?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Laika II

Don T
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🏆

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury
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Yum

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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Q: Does HRTN need more 1950’s stripper? Asking for a friend.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
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Doesn’t everything need more 1950’s stripper?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury
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I assume that’s a rhetorical question. Obviously yes.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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I will gradually blend 1950s cheesecake into HRTN, and one day DTZM will ask, “Why do the visitor numbers spike every Friday morning?” And then I’ll be found out and banned. But before then, I plan on making bank… 🙂

ballsofsteelandfury
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Combined with Sexy Friday, I see our Friday numbers going through the roof!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola
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I like cheescake.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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A new customer!!! 😀

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Of course

Duchess
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Whelp this won’t be a 300mm purse with all these refunds that will be given.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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Test drove a Toyota 860 today. Nice car!

Senor Weaselo
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My best friend from college has a BRZ (the Subaru version). It is very easy to drift.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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We had an MR2 for years & years, and 2 Subarus as well, so it was a pretty familiar feeling driving it. We liked that. We didn’t like that they wanted to lowball my cherry Challenger, though…

ballsofsteelandfury
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Fucking dealerships. I hate them.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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Yeah, I dig they’re a business and blah blah blah, but don’t insult my intelligence, y’know?

theeWeeBabySeamus
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First new vehicle I ever bought (’93 4Runner), dudes tried the same shit. My pickup I was driving at the time was only a few years old and had been maintained perfectly and was low mileage. They acted like I was an idiot, so I walked out. This was near the end of the business day, btw, 9ish at night.

So I walk out to find one of them had parked behind my pickup so I couldn’t leave. No shit.

Went back in and told them they had one minute to move that shit or we’d both be buying new vehicles, and I could afford one, can you? Not if you don’t make this sale.

Went back out and started it up and kicked it into reverse over and over, just barely not hitting the dude’s car. He came out and moved it.

Called me the next day and met my deal.

Assholes.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Yeah, the Challenger is low mileage, perfect shape, just a beauty. I was willing to see what they’d offer as a trade-in, but it was low, man. Then they played the “I’ll go try to get you a better price” game. I told them I’d set my lowest price, they kept trying to get a lower one, so NOAP.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

With it being end of the month, you might get a call in the next coupla days.

theeWeeBabySeamus
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Also, if you have a car buying service in your area, consider it. I bought a ’95 4Runner next, and they found exactly what I wanted for the price I was willing to pay. Then I sold the ’93 privately and did much better.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Yeah, I could sell the Challenger, which is fine, too. Just haven’t decided if I feel like bothering with it. Both IWDB and I liked how the 860 drove, but she’s not really a fan of the Challenger…

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

DON’T YOU BLAME HER!!!!! LOL.

In all seriousness, one of the reasons I’ll probably never buy another Toyota is their dealerships. I think they train them in that stuff.

Never had such problems with Nissan (Pathfinder and now Frontier pickup). I mean they try, but they do seem to recognize when someone has done their research and will eventually give in and make the deal.

Senor Weaselo
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My new car’s a Corolla and the salesman was fine. In fairness, he’s also dating Hermana Weaselo so he knew that if everything wasn’t fine there would be hell to pay.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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Probably. I’d assume the 18’s are on the way in as well. They’re free to call, of course, but just don’t waste my time…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
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Oh that is too good.

theeWeeBabySeamus
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LMFAO…. cherry challenger.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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ballsofsteelandfury
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I’m really glad I’m watching AFL instead of that shitshow of a “fight”.

Spanky Datass
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Spanky Datass

Watching AFL as well and loving it. I think I’m developing a bit of an Ausie accent … PLAY ON!
/bourble

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS
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Alright, this thing has went further than anyone thought it would. We’re now guaranteed a rematch for a billion dollars. SPOILER ALERT: Whomever loses this match will win the next one.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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JerBear50
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JerBear50

Nope. Mayweather passed Marciano tonight. Even that shitbag won’t throw away his legacy for a quick buck, not unless he’s up against it hard.

Duchess
Member

Mayweather is giving up his back more than a bitch in heat.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

So, he’s running like a little bitch like he’s done in every fight in the last ten years?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised
Gratliff
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I like how they managed to monetize message board behavior

Duchess
Member

Well McGregor fighting style is that of the Notre Dames Leprechaun

Gratliff
Member

Should I be watching this? I don’t want to. I just hope Mayweather somehow dies in the ring, and I wouldn’t want to miss that.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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ballsofsteelandfury
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And the black dude cleaning the bbq.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

So, real talk: considering we are currently living in the decline of the American Empire, why the hell can’t we have Roman-style “games” with gladiators and animals matched up against humans? I’d watch the hell out of that!

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Those goddamn assholes at PETA

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Those would be the first I would put in the ring with a tiger.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’ll do my best to get video the next time I battle some hornets.
Might be tomorrow, in fact. Those little shits are hard to get rid of.
Don’t laugh when I run like hell tho.
(that shit still hurts where that fucker got me a couple weeks ago)

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

May I suggest the application of large amounts of fire?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’m keeping it as an option. But homeowner’s insurance frowns upon that.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Keep some extra for the adjusters.

WCS
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Senor Weaselo
Member

THIS THEEWEEBABYSEAMUS I CALL HIM THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS ON NOVEMBER 4TH, 1988 BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO ABSOLUTELY DESTROY SOME HORNETS IN NORTH CAROLINA.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Thank goodness that’s too long to end up on the banner.
balls thinks he’s funny sometimes.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Sometimes

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

OH and speaking of thinking one is funny (me) and others disagreeing…as oft happens to me….

Today, my dipshit neighbor, whom I already loathe for other reasons, decided she’s going to come over with the kid she’s babysitting and introduce her to me. Why? Hell if I know.

But the kid’s name is Cole (unsure of the actual spelling, and that’s the joke…wait for it)..

So I ask….is she named after the old king, the geologic carbon deposits, or the department store?

I got nothing but a blank look. She ain’t too bright.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I thought so. But as I’ve stated, I’m usually wrong about it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Duchess
Member

Whelp UFC fight pass is down.

Gratliff
Member

Whatever else happens, I hope Mayweather finds himself physically unable to abuse women from this point forward.

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