Your “Bortles Has Vanquished All Opposition” Saturday Evening Football Open Thread

Blake was down for the count. We saw it. He was never gonna get back up. Not against The Smirkinator. But lo and behold, he put up some adequate numbers against a second-team D on Thursday night and that was all the Jags braintrust needed to see to make their decision. He’s the starter for week one. Some famous ex-lovers will always have Paris but Bortles will always have the first start of the 2017 season. Week three however… TO THE GAMES!

Ari/Atl: Rb Freeman is out with concussion concerns but Julio is expected to get in a few plays. The Falcons are hoping that te Hooper can be a presence in the passing game this year but with all the talent at wr the tight end spot was targeted only 77 times all last year. I’m betting Atlanta’s first team puts a raft of points up on the board that the 2nd team can safely surf on. It’s not as though Arians is going to play rb Johnson that much.

Buf/Bal: Brandon Beane has got himself a set of balls. Watkins and Darby are gone for draft picks and the universal sentiment seems to be that qb Taylor won’t be around after this year. This GM has got maybe two drafts to prove himself before the next phase of rebuilding begins anew. Bills headquarters is now located at Square One.

NYJ/NYG: What is it with all these alliterative tilts? The Giants grabbed the coveted home-field advantage against their abused little brother. The Jets may not be the league’s worst team/organization but give them credit-they’re always in the conversation.

Ind/Pit: Scribes that follow the Colts feel that qb Luck is nowhere near ready for wk. 1. So he should be comforted by the fact that his inevitable rash of lingering injuries wrought by his tin can O-line has been put off for a bit. Just like I said last year, this is rb Gore’s last year.

Cle/TB: Starting rook qb Kizer has been watching quite a bit of film to prepare himself for the season. He’s quoted as saying, “I’ve picked up quite a few pointers from Mr. Neeson in The Grey as to how one should conduct oneself when thrown to the wolves.”

Oak/Dal: The Cowboys front office is jizzing themselves over UDFA rook qb Cooper Rush from Central Michigan. Yes, he’s as white as the day is long.

LA/LA: In (another) move that has angered what’s left of the Chargers fan base, the team has fired 2009 Equipment Manager of the Year Bob Wick. He’d started out as a ball boy way back in ’79. The last thing this team needs is more drama.

Hou/NO: We get our first ‘who dat’ at AP in gold and black today. Seems to me that signing with a dome team that is dedicated to the pass game was good thinking on his part. (looking at that last sentence over again, I’m not sure if I’m being sarcastic or not)

GB/Den: The Packers D-line has been looking solid so far so that bodes well for the team going into the regular season. The not-rook sensation McCaffrey that goes by the name of Max is trying to make the Green Bay squad as a wr.

Let’s do this, shall we?

 

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herodotus450
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herodotus450

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If this is how nature is going to treat us, I say bring on the global warming! Let’s teach this earch a lesson!
/Chops down entire tree to make one bowling pin, throws away after one use

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

I would lay reasonable odds that this will eventually be an official presidential tweet.

King Hippo
Member

alarm clock set for Chelsea’s throttling of Everton, because I do well and truly hate myself that much

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Is Are Chelsea the one with the wankers for fans?
/Is Learning this Europe thing

litre_cola
Member

Yes. They are entitled cocksuckers who are the worst. Also their stadium is in Fulham notnfucking chelsea. I am a fulham fan and that fact drives the fuckwits crazy.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Maestro, your link still working?

Romonobyl
Member

Bad news pencil-dicks…
ROMO LIVES!!!!!
Despite ma nature’s best efforts, your favo(no fuckin “U”)rite Cowboy homer has yet to shed his mortal coil. That bitch Harvey was aimed straight at my front porch, and when one of the local authorities was on the news saying that folks who stay behind should write their SSN on their forearms for identification purposes, I decided to pull chocks. We loaded up the trailer and made a run west towards Trump’s future real estate venture (the wall thing). Still here, plan on heading back in a day or two when the roads clear.
And now back to your regularly scheduled broadcast of “Ow, My Balls!”

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Glad you’re ok. Does “west” mean you’re in Mexico?

Romonobyl
Member

A friend who stayed behind went to my house this morning and took a picture of the worst of the damage. It’s hard to look at.
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Romonobyl
Member

FUCK YOU PHOTOBUCKET!!! My usual postimage site wouldn’t take, oh well.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

I found this reenactement, it’s probably close enough
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Horatio Cornblower
Member

Glad you’re OK but back off that “favorite Cowboy homer” shit or I’ll stuff a dead skunk in your septic tank.

The Maestro
Member

Awful kind of you to be taking steps to finally improve the smell in there!

Romonobyl
Member

No offense, I’d respond the same to your favorite Greatriots homer…because that’s a paddlin’!

King Hippo
Member

I saw one play of your game earlier. DAK! to Witten score. Despite being at a fancy-pants rooftop bar, I did indeed mumble DAK DAK DAK DAK!

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Glad you’re good, This the first one you’ve gone through?

Romonobyl
Member

A few close calls, but this was the first direct hit. The Dame and I were in Rockport just last weekend, we love that little town. It’s mostly leveled now.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

I’ve gotten lucky down here. The only direct hits we’ve taken have been smaller ones. Had a couple big ones tracking for us that veered off. The one that wrecked Port Charlotte and Katrina were both headed straight towards Tampa.

If we ever catch a serious one we’re fucked because it floods big time around here. I’ve watched people kayak down the street a few times after tropical storms.

King Hippo
Member

I was in Charlotte for Hugo, then Raleigh for Fran. Two biggest inland hurricanes in 50 years, and I got both within less than a decade. Started to get a complex.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

It’s an uncomfortable feeling knowing someone is gonna get leveled and hoping for someone else’s demise. Although as upside down as my house got after the mortgage crash, I wouldn’t be heartbroken if it got hurricaned right to the ground.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Ditto.
I was In Conway for Hugo, waiting it out to go check on gf at the time’s parent’s place at NMB.
And driving b/w Richmond and RDU area for Fran. Got stuck on I-85 headed south for that one after I got a coupla trees thrown at me across I-85 south of Petersburg. Wife at the time slept thru the whole thing. We hit the backup just north of Durham, and she wakes up…”why the hell are we stopped??”
Yes, I did want to punch her.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’m presuming you leveled most of it before you ever left.
Then again, I’m a cynical asshole.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo
Member

I am a little surprised a fight hasn’t broken out here between Giants and Jets fans. (I’m at the Penn Station subway station, so you’d think it would be a certainty by now.)

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Depression > Anger

They’re probably equally pissed that neither of their own teams fielded defenses.

The Maestro
Member

I’d say that Aaron Rodgers would be pissed at Jamie Foxx for stealing away Olivia Munn from him, but realistically, he’d be more pissed at Olivia Munn for stealing away Jamie Foxx from him.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

She seems like balls’s type

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JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Breathing and mostly conscious?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

you know me well.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Just guessing you’d be pickier than me. You seem like the high-brow type.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I’m pickier than the average Mexican, but that’s not saying much.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Taller, too!

WCS
Member

Banner worthy.

The Maestro
Member

Thank you, kind sir.

King Hippo
Member

Is Romonobyl drownded??

WCS
Member

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herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Now we know why malls disappeared… not enough reliable security

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

I refuse to read the rest of this article, and must assume that it’s now Jordana Tootoo
https://sports.yahoo.com/m/a06e76d6-4a66-356d-aad0-b9677c1578cd/jordin-tootoo-makes-a-splash.html

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

It’s a baby

King Hippo
Member

I bless teh rains??

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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WCS
Member

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Nice

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Apparently the Football Clippers are playing. Not a single person in San Diego seems to know or care.

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Considering their abbreviation is LAC, they’re truly indistinguishable.

WCS
Member

Send the Spanos family some Krusty-O’s.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Not many in LA do either.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

WOOOOOOO!

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Hey, who wants to hear more of my broken cell phone rant? I have a follow-up!

So decide on a new phone today. I can order it online and pick up in store, which is ideal since I can get the phone sooner, avoid an “overnight” shipping fee that can’t me a new phone before Tuesday, and keep the damn thing from being stolen in the box before I get home.

So I go to Sprint’s clunky as fuck, round-edged-so-idiots-don’t-cut-themselves website, go through the order process and find no pick up in store option. It was there yesterday, but not today. I try emptying my cart and putting the phone back in. No dice. I switch between the lease and buy options. Again, no dice. I’m annoyed now but I’m in a bind since I can’t call the order phone number (broken phone!) and I can’t keep putting this off.

So, of course, it won’t take my fucking credit cards. Declined. Two different cards. There’s absolutely no issue with either as both have been used in the last couple days. I think it’s the updated address issue because no matter what I enter, Sprint lists my address with my unit number twice and that’s probably fucking up things since my credit cards definitely don’t have this fucked up address.

Now I’m pissed. I’m thinking I’m going to have to go into a store tomorrow and demand the online pricing. I go to empty my cart and SOMEHOW I end up on a totally different order screen that offers a pick up in store option. How this happened? I DON’T KNOW THIS SITE IS STUPID.

And then it asks me for payment declines the same two cards AGAIN. Finally, it takes a Discover card I had. Of course, I get a bundle of fraud alerts I have to deal with because buying a cell phone is definitely something someone would do with a stolen card. Hopefully I’m not charged five goddamned times for this phone.

So tune in tomorrow for part three where I murder an entire store full of employees over some irritating fuck up. Be quick because the cops are sure to find me soon after!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Hopefully I’m not charged five goddamned times for this phone.

/Gets charged five goddamned times.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

If all else fails:
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WCS
Member

It’s the only way to be sure.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

TLDR version— lolz Discover card

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Discover has been nice to me, which is why I keep their card.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

A card’s a card. Discover just never got as universally acceptable and it sucks to get caught off guard somewhere that doesn’t take it.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Then you can definitely appreciate it being the only one that was taken in this situation.

Semi-related: The only reason I got a Discover is because in order to pay grad school fees, I needed a card that was NOT a Visa. For whatever reason, they would take AMEX, Discover, and MasterCard, but not Visa, which just happened to be every single debit and credit card I had at the time.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I got one while in grad school too. But I bought a surfboard with it.
True story.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Russia or Canada?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Russia. She’s just happy that she could feel anything in that cold.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Ah ah, Rick. That’s a sin to you nutjob conservative Catholics.

WCS
Member

I can never apologize enough for my dumbass Commonwealth unleashing this jagoff on the country.

King Hippo
Member

hey, unlike Jesse Helms, you can at least say you voted the assdick (dickass?) out!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Hooray for Death!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

This is a textbook pass by Goff to Jason Verrett.

If they were teammates.

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I will never see LAC and not think it’s the Clippers.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

They need to go to the four character team abbreviation scheme now: LACL and LACH

Also LARA, LADO, LAAN, LALA, LAKI, LAPD, LAUSD, etc

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Yet somehow more irrelevant and unpopular.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I suck at captions

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Magee looks like a piece from that fucked up electric football boardgame from the 70s in that gif.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Raise your hand if you’re drunk

/Falls over

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Nope, I’ve quit dranking for the time-being.
’twas getting out of hand and had been for far too long.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

BOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I mean, hey, congrats man. Glad you’re doing well. But also
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

It’s not permanent. But I’d been way overdoing it for too long for various reasons.
No need to kill my liver just yet. I might need it later.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Gotcha. Yeah, you’ve gotta take a break sometimes. Make sure you’re the one riding the horse and all that. Done that before myself a time or two.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Precisely.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Now if my weed guy will get his ass back into town.
Like a weed guy needs a vacay…AMIRITE???

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Is it a vacay,or a resupply?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

A vacay. And he took one of my nieces with him.
Then again, he is married to her so I can’t complain too much.

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

Yep. Good Bourble too all!
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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I can play this game!
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Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“Carry the two, and…hello, darkness, my old friend.”

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass
JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Gotta add the “s” to https.
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Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

Yep, my bad …

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

It took a long time before anyone pointed it out to me so I try to pass it on.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I know I could, but I don’t know if I should.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

There’s a strip mall not far from where I live called Cum Park Plaza.
To make it even better, there’s a store in it called “First Taste”. Seriously. I’ve always meant to get a picture.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Ha, somebody did, lol.
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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Cumin N? Is that one of those artesian spice shops?

The Maestro
Member

Think I’ve found a quasi-OK stream. Let’s hope it holds.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

for the fight?

The Maestro
Member

Yeah. A slight bit choppy but better than a couple others so far. Do you have a stable one?

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

No, but a couple of the guys at work have been trying to find one. The usuals aren’t working apparently. Are you allowed to share that on here without pissing off dad?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Sharing a link should not be a problem I wouldn’t think.
Now if we were hosting it, that would be a different story.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

At that party, I tried a couple beers.

Block 15 Hop Zest – “Hoppy Pale Ale with Citrus Zest and Wheat”
It was citrusy and hoppy. I liked it, although it was slightly more bitter than I’d have preferred.

Cascade Lakes Salted Caramel Porter
Exactly as advertised. It was delicious, and funny enough it went well with the birthday cake.

litre_cola
Member

So jealous of all the beer you guys get.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’d be such a horrible drunk if I earned more money.

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

You had me at “Porter” then, upon further review, “Salted Caramel” made my PANTS FLY OPEN.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

The Salted Caramel Porter sounds delicious.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I almost got the Stone w00tstout 5.0 – Bourbon Barrel Stout w/ Pecans (13% ABV). I didn’t see it when I ordered the first beer and only wanted to get two, so I had to decide between the caramel porter or w00t, and I’m glad I chose the porter.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I think you chose wisely – I’m not sure pecan would be a flavor I’d want in a beer.

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

So, is the fight over?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Doesn’t that shit start at like midnight eastern?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

So, then, yes?

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

This is not how one should say hello.

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Depends on the girl

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Well, I don’t know any woman I could greet that way. I’m not very close to anyone, though.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Wait until you find the right gal…

WCS
Member

Landry Jones is ungood.

WCS
Member

Don T
Member

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I feel like I’m watching two transient LA gangs chase each other around.
One of which forgot to bring their guns.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

you’re not far off

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

So, just back from taking the Lady LemonJello and TangerineJello out for dinner and I got to enjoy a couple of these:
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How are you all doing tonight, Imaginary Internet Friends?

litre_cola
Member

Bartending for 4 stagettes and out for a smoke!

blaxabbath
Member

Quick reminder: Anyone who roots for the P*triots is a Nazi.

http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/20465695/julian-edelman-new-england-patriots-torn-acl

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Ppl forget that,,,,

Don T
Member

Be a solid citizen: masturbate.
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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I love the crowd shots of the Coliseum. There is no one fucking there.

blaxabbath
Member

Shit — is it Week 4 already?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I think the USC spring game had a bigger crowd.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Well,sure. The Song Girls were at the spring game.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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blaxabbath
Member

Harvey seems to have not been Katrina-level bad.

Trump is still going to insist that Ben Carson to sell him Houston for just $500.

blaxabbath
Member

Just checked to see that ARI’s game started an hour ago. Now that all the goof stuff is done, I can move on to ignoring boxing some more.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I have a sudden urge to play pool.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

If she asks to use your stick, you should probably ask for qualification of the request.
Just to be safe.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

“Chalk! CHALK! I said, ‘do you want to rub my CHALK?’ Jesus.”

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I love Drew on the Deadcast saying that USC’s starting QB is actively avoiding getting drafted by the Jest. It’s unfortunate for this kid, but do the Jest not remember what happened the last time they had a Trojan as QB?

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Balls made a stripping joke with all the baggage of knowing what I look like. That’s commitment to the bit.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

damn right!

Senor Weaselo
Member

So I get out soundcheck and I see the Giants have scored a safety, a field goal, and now a pick six.

What I’m saying is that the Jets are in mid season form.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

We are all watching the fight right?

Dear god if I have to explain to you people how to find a fucking boxing match feed, I may as well have to explain how to find porn on the fucking internet.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Floyd Mayweather pulverizing an unqualified, defenseless human being who’s only in it for the money, eh? But how do I get a live feed from inside Mayweather’s house?

Senor Weaselo
Member

If I wanted to illicitly watch a boxing match with the tag line “This time, it’s for money,” I’d steal cable to watch Watson-Tatum 2: The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

If they forewent the national anthem at a 49ers game, would Kaep’s head explode?
/Oh right he doesn’t play there anymore.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

why would I waste time watching a black man successfully run away from a white man trying to hit him?

Never mind. I think I answered my own question.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

We’re gonna start having to call you Arpaio?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I said “successfully “. Arpaio wouldn’t like that.

King Hippo
Member

“Fight fair, nagger!!” – Joe A., whatevs the whitest suburb of PHX be

blaxabbath
Member

Probably Gilbert which is the home to the OTHER senator that nobody wants me to talk about, who is weak on border security and weak on crime, so I won’t talk about him.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Yes, I know. But I couldn’t think of anything better, and considering he wouldn’t like you anyway….
It was funnier in my head.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

As long as he didn’t know my last name, he probably wouldn’t bother me.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Good point. You’re paler than I am. He’d probably ask you to help.
You could always hide in Big Blue anyway. 😉

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’d rather watch this.
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King Hippo
Member

I would rather watch a series of colonoscopy videos than this so-called “fight”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

You rang?

King Hippo
Member

The Battle FOAR LA!! is actually the sole national broadcast. Thank fuck RedZone is on tonight. Coke up, bitches!!!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Are there 20,000 people at the stadium?

King Hippo
Member

if’n they promise free food and/or crack to attract enough bums off the street, sure!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

There’s plenty around the Coli! Btw, it’s hot as fuck out here. I’d be surprised if we don’t get news stories of fans suffering from heat stroke.

King Hippo
Member

That happened the last really hot NC State game. Ran out of water in the 2nd QUARTER. And heat waves are common and predictable here.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Shit, I’d forgotten about that.
I know I’ve been to plenty of September Hurricane games tho.

Those are fun (/s)

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