The first mea culpa is a good one.  I was really against what I saw as an overly sentimental, at best pointless, at worst poisonous, signing of boyhood Evertonian Wayne Rooney this summer.  Yes, even on a free, with United kicking in around half his wages on the hush-hush.  I mean, when the legs are gone, they’re gone…right?

Fuck do I know, it seems!  Rooney is moving around the pitch like a man in his mid-20s, and one who actually trains instead of smoking and drinking nonstop (and engaging with courtesans of the Grumblelord-flavoured varietal).  Beyond that, he’s been an excellent servant – yielding #9 to young Sandro Ramirez, not asking to be captain, and this week retiring from international play to focus solely on pushing Everton forward.  Who knows how long this magic pixie dust can last, but Wayne’s busting his hump, and I give him the heartfelt apology he has earned.

The second is to you, for singing NBC’s praises for their EPL coverage.  It was indeed all a fookin’ ruse, to sell you a “premium” package (much like the neighbourhood crack plan from this week’s “Snowfall”).  No more secondary games on other NBC-affiliated channels, and no more “Extra Time” in the 10 am window at all.  Every side will have at least three matches on “NBC Sports Gold” for which you can pay $50 a year (this will NOT include the TV channels that carried the Extra Time feed FOR FREE on my cable system, since I have the good sports package – so I will pay extra for shittier product) if you want to keep seeing “every game, every team, LIVE” as Rebecca Lowe said endlessly for the past 3+ years.

Just die in a fire, NBC.  Yes, I will pay the $50.  Die in a fire, anyway.

Anyway, Bournemouth hosts Man City to start the weekend off (7:30, NBCSN).  The Cherries have yet to earn a point, and this is not the easiest way to go about getting off the schneid.  Or however you spell it.  But Everton made City look pretty average last Monday night, so who knows.  The Barcodes and the Hammers are your 10:00 fixture (also NBCSN), either enjoy playing “count the supporters’ teeth” or go back to bed for a quick nap.  The United steamroller hosts Foxy Footy for a spotlight dance (12:30, NBC), and perhaps Romelu Lukaku will score enough times that Jamie Vardy will say something racist!  I will miss this for my toddler niece’s birthday party, so lmk.

Chelsea host Everton Sunday morning (8:30, CNBC), and this could be a thrashing (with the Toffees coming back from a Thursday trip to Croatia).  Ronald Koeman has bedeviled Pep Guardiola, but has had no such luck with Conte.  The Redshite and Arsenal clash at 11 (back on NBCSN), in a game that will feature no defensing whatsoever.  It will be terrible Lesser Footy, but exciting in a trainwreck sort of way.

Remember not to make too much of the Table just yet, as Huddersfield Town and fucking West Brom are tied with Man U on 6 points right now.  For fuck’s sake, indeed.

Bonafide Muthafuckin’ JV NFL Action!!

Oregon State at Colorado State (2:30, CBSSN)

Am I desperate enough to DVR this whilst at the aforesaid birthday party?  Like you even had to ask.  Also, if you don’t enjoy yourself at an Oregon strip club, you just aren’t capable of having fun.  Especially if Oregon State gals are present.  And they almost surely will be.

South Florida at San Jose State (7:30, CBSSN)

The Bulls are somehow ranked.  That’s kind of cute, I guess.

Stanford at Rice (10:00, ESPN)

I wonder if Baylor is on bad enough probation that Rice can even beat them now?