I Want Carruth! You Can’t Handle Carruth! Your [DFO] Law and Fantasy Football Mailbag

trollsoharduniversity
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trollsoharduniversity

Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist.One day I may refuse to save your life.

Twitter: @fakeapoth
Instagram: @leeapoth

trollsoharduniversity
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ALL RISE! The DFO Mailbag of Law and Fantasy Football is Now In Session (please see the disclaimer at the bottom of the page).

The premise of this column is that I am a lawyer who excels at playing fantasy football.  Please write to me to ask me your most insane legal questions.  Every “what if” scenario that you can think of, every insane legal theory that you read on reddit, send them to me. I will try my best to provide you with an accurate and amusing answer and make a dick joke or two while I’m at it.   I’ll also answer your fantasy football questions and possibly reveal the secrets that got led me all the way to being runner up in my league in 2015.  All you have to do is ask the right questions.

Here’s an example of a question I got a while back that inspired me to start writing this thing.

Can I sue Trump/Paul Ryan/Mitch McConnell if Obamacare is repealed and I lose my insurance?

You can sue someone for anything.  That’s your right.  Whether you’ll be successful in this suit is a different story.  In order to successfully sue someone, you have to at a minimum have what’s called “standing.”  What that means is that you must make a showing of three things: (1) that the Plaintiff suffered an injury; and that (2) the Plaintiff’s injury is fairly traceable to the Defendant’s conduct; and (3) that the Court is capable of providing redress.  In this question, your problem is with the third prong: a court is not capable of providing redress for lawful actions.   If Trump et. al. get their acts together and repeal Obamacare via a lawful process where  a bill is written and passed by majorities in both houses and then signed by the President, that’s a lawful act.  While it may be a dick move to deny millions of Americans access to somewhat affordable coverage, going about doing so by the legislative process is not the kind of injury that courts are capable of redressing.  Also, the Congress and the President are generally immune from any civil suit for acs that are undertaken in their role as government officials.

You see how interesting that is?  Send me some more!

Does the Brady 2d Cir. opinion bar a court remedy in favor of Zeke?

I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a bar, but it’s a fairly substantial hurdle.  The Second Circuit’s ruling last year upheld the Commissioner’s ability to punish players for “conduct detrimental to the league.”  That’s a fairly vague standard, which means that the Ginger Hammer’s authority to suspend players is nearly unquestionable.  As the Court wrote, it’s role in the Brady trial was limited to ” determining whether the arbitration proceedings and award met the minimum legal standards established by the Labor Management Relations Act, 29 U.S.C. § 141 et seq. (the “LMRA”). ”  In doing so, the Court needed to determine whether the arbitrator  was “even arguably construing or applying the contract and acting within the scope of his authority and did not ignore the plain language of the contract.”  What that means is that as long as it’s in the contract and the contract doesn’t violate labor laws, the punishment stands.   Even though I felt that Rog’s punishment of Tawmy was outlandish, the players only have themselves and their union to blame.  They went though the process of negotiating specific punishments for specific offenses and then allowed the league to write in a standard whereby the Commissioner can suspend any player at any time for pretty much anything he sees fit.  If you’re having trouble understanding, here’s a visual representation of what the NFLPA did to itself:

 

AJ Green: first rounder?

Sure.  I’d take him late first, early second.  Everyone says that the Bengals will improve this year and AJ is ridiculously good.  You can’t really go wrong with him.

Legal: Outside of the realm of costly litigation, what is the actual practical requirement of local governments to enforce their building codes? That is to say, is it like a speeding ticket where they can waive it off at the enforcer’s discretion or do they owe some kind of commitment to the rule of the law? For example, if there are requirements that a ceiling truss manufacturer must meet and they do not, can the city say, “well, the owner is alright with the truss manufacturer not meeting the building code so we’ll just defer to the owner.”? Or are there instances where even municipalities tell their employees that, “I don’t give a damn what Mr Trump is ok with, that affordable housing  cannot proceed without fire exits!”?

I take a sort of perverse pleasure in watching for when people realize exactly how our government is designed to not give a fuck about you.  It usually goes something like this:]

There are two types of acts undertaken by municipal governments: discretionary and ministerial.  Discretionary acts are things that municipal governments are not required to do, but undertake nonetheless.   Ministerial acts are things that municipal governments are required to do by law.  What is considered discretionary and what is considered ministerial varies from state to state, but some examples of discretionary acts are things like taxation, hiring municipal employees, drafting local laws, etc.  In some states, maintaining a functioning sewage system is considered discretionary; in others, it is considered ministerial.  The main difference between the two is the imposition of a duty to perform:  there is no duty to perform discretionary acts, while there is a duty to perform ministerial acts.  Take for example, our old pal, Kim Davis, who refused to give out any marriage licenses after the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage.  Because of the ruling, she had a duty to determine whether the application for marriage license in front of her met the legal requirements for marriage and if they did, to issue a marriage license.  Because her task was ministerial in nature, her failure to do so made her city liable for her conduct.  On the other hand, municipal governments are not liable for discretionary acts.  In many states, including my home state of New York, enforcement of building codes are considered discretionary, which means that the municipality has no obligation to enforce its own laws and cannot be successfully sued for failing to do so.  If your building truss fails, you can’t recover from the city just because they issued a permit.  You must go after the manufacturer and/or builder.

Football: Jamal Charles in DEN. Expectations?

Low risk, high reward. CJ Anderson seems to be the man in Denver, but he’s never really had strong hold on the position.  I’d take Charles as a late round flyer and stash him for a few weeks to see what happens.

Football only: I generally draft a top-tier quarterback early because thanks to evolving NFL rules they are much less likely to get hurt and require replacement. What do you think? (please support your answer with statistical analysis that I am not willing to do personally).

Anybody can get injured at any time.  I assume that by top tier quarterbacks you mean Brady? Cam?  Rodgers? As I’ve said before, I don’t think that it’s worth it to draft a top tier quarterback early.  I wouldn’t want Kirk Cousins as my team’s quarterback, but for my fantasy team?  Hell yes.

Fantasy: I have a (somewhat) unfounded disposition to try and avoid fantasy players who recently signed a large long term contract, as I feel most play their best when trying to reach for the big bucks. Do you think there is any actual fantasy basis to this? Is taking a late round flyer on Stafford even worse of a decision than it seemed before?

I personally try to pick players who are in their walk year, which is why I drafted Javis Landry last night even though he may contract the whooping cough from his quarterback.  It’s not universal, but skill players tend to have big years when they’re looking for more money.

That’s all for this week.   Keep sending me questions either in the comments, on Twitter dot com or at trollsohard@doorfliesopen.com.  Good luck with your drafts!

This column is for entertainment purposes only. This is general information and not formal legal advice or legal representation.  If you need any of that, you need to go see an attorney in real life.  Legal problems are often serious and fact-specific; this is a dick joke blog.  The advice given in this column is non-binding and nothing contained herein shall constitute an attorney-client relationship.

trollsoharduniversity
trollsoharduniversity

Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist. One day I may refuse to save your life.

Twitter: @fakeapoth
Instagram: @leeapoth

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Old School Zero
Member

Why do we think we can legislate morality via laws and decrease taxes/government at the same time?

Bonus: what’s the ratio of number of laws on the books and budget required to enforce them? Is there an exponential relationship there?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I thought NSZ was the libertarian

Old School Zero
Member

He’s a card carrying Whig.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo
Member

Also, note that it has been 20 minutes since I has said something about the Donks, and Moose has yet to yell at me. New record! 😀

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My fucking response is awaiting moderation.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Not anymore it’s not.
😉

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, to be honest, there is no actual fucking in the response.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Well now I’m totes disappoint.

King Hippo
Member

I would lotto ticket De’Angelo Henderson ahead of Jamaal. Charles MAY have more of a role right away, but the team clearly thinks of him as a limited touches guy ONLY (in the 5-10 realm). And they were on the fence with cutting him had he not shown healthy in the 3rd pre-season tilt, and still could cut him once Booker is back.

Henderson is the lotto ticket who could end up with 15-20 touches and really be something special. Or he could rot on the gameday inactive list once Booker returns. YMMV.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Henderson cannot pass-block or read blitzes at all; he is a liability for now. Charles does those things amazingly well, the best on the team. Booker is listed on the website as second, but his game will have to drastically improve to actually be ahead of Charles. Once Henderson figures things out and holds onto the damn ball (that would keep him on the bench) he could be a very good role back. Charles, when healthy, and he appears to be, is one of the better all around backs in the league. Booker is not, but he is a serviceable backup, if he improves could be an average starter. I thought he’d be better based on his college career, but with the blocking last year it is not a fair judgement yet. The coaches seemed to have no idea what the press was talking about when it was reported Charles was in danger of not making the team, but they seem not to trust the knee (I don’t trust my right knee either). Charles’ problem is he doesn’t play special teams.

Anderson is the clear starter, but in McCoy’s offense we’ll see three to four backs used, unless one seems to have the hot hand, or legs. I certainly trust McCoy’ to get the best out of the group. As long as the Hatfields leave him alone.

I know you like to hate on certain players for, I don’t know, REASONS I guess, but the RBs are a solid group this year. I can see the ones cut being picked up.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In my experience from the constructor’s side, AHJs in conjunction with the municipalities (fire marshal for instance) can enforce condemning of property and will do so to enforce code. A new building or facility that one can’t use usually brings about fixing the issue or a hoard of lawyers, in some cases both. Inspectors can shut the shit down.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Then White Snake.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

But what about OTPHJs?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is a good point; who enforces code on porn movie sets? Do the stunt doubles get scale? Is wheelbarrowing to OSHA standards? Reverse cowgirl must follow local regulations or state?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Does OTPHJ mean anything other over the pants handjobs?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

On your first point, what if they don’t repeal it but take arguably illegal action to undermine/destabilize the exchanges?

Brocky
Member

Legal Question: is the exchange of sexual favors for fidget spinners grounds for a criminal charge?

Fantasy question: I don’t know what the fuck to do about running backs. Every year I take one in the first, they get hurt or suspended for beating their kid, every year I dont, there’s like 47 rbs who rush for 1500 yards.

Also, Jordan Howard totally gets hurt this year right?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

If Jordan Howard gets hurt this year, it’s totally your fault now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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But the kids love the cartoons.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun
Member

“Inquiring minds want to know.”

-Gary Glitter

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Ooh, Lost Girl! We’ve been watching this show!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Also known as “The Cleavage Show”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t forget the lesbian component that boarders on “you can’t do that on regular cable!”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo
Member

Hummina hummina! May watch SyFy FOAR first time EVAR!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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