SF 49ers Preview: A Desperate Plea for Ecological Rebirth

Covalent Blonde

Covalent Blonde

There are worse things than frying an egg naked, but few things that will scald your tummy as much.
Covalent Blonde

So here we are, on the eve of the 2017 NFL season, and like any good Niners fan, the future looks mighty tentative, if not a bit bleak.  Unfortunately, the preseason is always quite contagious with the vilest of contaminations:  hope.  New GM, John Lynch, and HC, Kyle Shanahan, inherit the rubble of a horrendous atrocity.  And while the task ahead is quite an onerous one, the nice way of looking at it is that Shandy couldn’t do much worse than what we had last season, which was akin to keeping your keys in a bear trap, and every Sunday you had to reach in and grab, knowing what was about to happen.  When your last girlfriend was a gelatinous, primordial blob, you are automatically moving up in the world if your next one is at least sentient (I might be overly generous with my optimism about Shandy Pants).


Being a 49ers fan is like have a very bad haircut.  You know that if you give it some time, there is potential for it to be the full and resplendent mane of yesteryear, but there is only so much that you can look in the mirror and choke back the horror and self-loathing before eventually you teeter on being irrevocably disheartened.  But, to get through your days you put on a hat, go to work, and tell yourself that there are people out there with worse haircuts…. You know, like whatever sick mullet the Browns have.

 

Now, let’s make this preview short and simple!

 

Bads

This.  All of this season.  Hoyer is the starting QB—and while I can tell myself that having a past record working with and under the tutelage of Shandy Pants coaching so there is a shared patois between them is a good thing, it is still not enough to make up for the fact that at the end of the day, he is still Brian fucking Hoyer—it pairs like a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos with Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.  An LT that I could always be proud of, Joe Staley, got infected by Sam Bradford’s anti-knee serum last preseason game, thereby landing him in the injury bin, but for how long is yet to be disclosed.  Perennial go-to RB, Carlos Hyde, may be a mismatched fit for the coaching stylings of Sir Shandy Pants, thereby potentially neutralizing one of the few forces that we had on offence.  In general, there are the normal growing pains of being a rough mélange of new players getting to know each other and feel each other out on the field.  Then there is the sword of Damocles hanging above us of that excessive coverage that may spring up throughout the season about Katie Sowers to fill the media void from an almost-certainly lackluster Niners season.


Goods

Well, when what you did have was a flat-out abomination, uncertainty offers promise.  A new forest can at least grow from a scorched earth, and out of the ashes I see great things out of rookie LB, Rueben Foster.  Pierre Garçon is a welcome addition who brings seasoned WR talent to the offence, and assuming that Hoyer isn’t sacked during each and every play, I look forward to some beautiful connections between them as we had seen in preseason games.  NaVorro Bowman may technically belong in ‘maybe’ pile given the track record the precedes him of injuries beleaguering his last couple seasons, but goddamn if he isn’t a thing of body to behold when he is up to speed and kills it as ILB.  There are plenty of opportunities for bright sparks this season, or at least that is what I have to tell myself to get through the next several months, but one unexpected one was in Raheem Mostert, dynamic RB from Purdue who looked like anything but a rookie against Minnesota (though in true York fashion, I immediately fear that he will be cut).

 

So there you have it!  Now I just have to keep praying that the Browns are always there to cushion the blow of our fall to the bottom of the standing!

 

Unfortunately, NCAAF looks precipitous as a Cal fan, too, under new admiralty with Justin Wilcox replacing Sonny Dykes and a redshirt sophomore QB in Ross Bowers.  *sigh*

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Inspired by the wave of Bay Area shoddiness, even the Giants and the A’s are racing fighting to hit rock  bottom of the barrel in their respective leagues.  What this means in effect, if I were looking for a positive, is that at least you can acquire fan apparel for a steal right now as an investment for the 5-year future of local team rebuilding!  It really is a shame that there isn’t a league for regions to produce the most intricate improvised protest signage, because in that test, I have utter faith in the Bay Area!

To summarize my SF 49ers season preview:  Let’s Go Sharks!!

 

And to our besmirched underlord and savior, Jim Tomsula, we hope that you find great success in Washington!

Covalent Blonde
Covalent Blonde
There are worse things than frying an egg naked, but few things that will scald your tummy as much.

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pickettschargeksk
Member

“And to our besmirched underlord and savior, Jim Tomsula, we hope that you find great success in Washington!”

And how! He’s already found a warped curtain rod, ninety feet of used floss (knotted together, of course), a bent nail, and a sack of medical waste, so if anyone needs him, he’ll be down on Roosevelt Island fishing in the Potomac.

Doktor Zymm
Member

If I do end up moving to SF, it’s good to know I won’t be breaking my tradition of living in cities with just awful football teams…

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

You’e right, but go to hell anyways.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

The opening two metaphors (sentience and haircut) provide better analysis of the 49ers than you will see in any outlet, local or national, all season.

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litre_cola
Member

This is the 2nd preview that didn’t give me an acid flashback! I do enjoy the beginning of the year when the gang comes back to town.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Seattle preview tomorrow. Prepare for another acid trip.

blaxabbath
Member

Week 17 @RAMIT may be a game with 1st overall pick implications.

This is exciting!

Senor Weaselo
Member

“Er-hem…” -Jets-Browns, Week 5

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Is Encyclopaedia Britannica even still a thing?

Join all of us in the 21st Century please, CB. Jeebus.

I Will Dye Blonde
Member

Welcome back! It’s always nice to have a break in the testosterone out here!

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

HEY!!!!! That’s…..
….very true.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

We’re getting the band back together!
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

YES! CB is back! And with a scathing indictment…er, enthusiastic review…of the 49ers, a team I will surely despise if I ever again view them as a threat to Seahawk dominance in the NFC West.

(I’m not saying it will never happen. But I’d give better odds to Trump suddenly finding his inner human being and solving world hunger first, that’s all.)

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

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Really glad to see you back, Blondie!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

…have to keep praying that the Browns are always there to cushion the blow…

There’s a joke here.
Nicely done, tho.
🙂

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