I hope you enjoyed last week’s hefty smorgasbord, but the pickings are way the fuck thinner this weekend, at least the Saturday portion. Onwards we go, nonetheless!
Palace and Soton open things up (7:30, NBCSN), with the former sporting a new manager after collecting ZERO points from the first four fixtures. Saints have 5, good for 13th position, so nobody will blame you for sleeping in.
Back to only one televised match in the 10:00 window (NBCSN), surprising 4th position Watford hosting Man City (in 2nd based on goal differential to United). The Moose Hornets have stepped into a vacuum of sorts left by stumblers the likes of Arsenal and fucking Everton. City should represent a tall order, but I’d expect a real fight in this one. If you’ve paid for NBC Sports Gold like a sucker (see Hippo, King) then Huddersfield Town v. Leicester is a decent second match to stream in the background.
Spurs and Swans are the big NBC game (12:30), but my affiliate is showing NC State/Furman JV NFL instead. Swans are garbage, so I can hardly blame them.
Sunday Funday is where all the prime action resides, with the nameless (but fierce) Derby between Arsenal and Chelsea (8:30, CNBC) followed by Wayne Rooney’s return with Everton to Old Trafford to face Romelu Lukaku’s United (10:55, NBCSN). Chelsea are in 3rd and look to cement their status as a contender to repeat as champions, whilst 11th position Arsenal need to fight off wolves at the doorstep. My Toffees…are just a hot fucking mess and their table position (combined with United being first) are proof positive of just how many problems a monster like Big Rom papers over.
I still miss and love the big guy, and watching this match will hurt like hell on many fucking levels.
Oklahoma State at Pitt (Noon, ESPN)
It’s a testament to just how bad this window is that this game is being highlighted. BDSM State should win by 4-5 TDs. I will watch my shitty wolves play, and likely struggle against, their 1-AA foe.
UCLA at Memphis (Noon, ABC)
Come for the Chosen Rosen, stay for the…Chosen Rosen.
SMU at TCU (3:30, ESPNU)
It seems like a bunch of ponies would freak the fuck out over a bunch of eye-blood shootin’ horny toads, does it not? But shit, I want to see it happen. Entropy, WOO!!
Tennessee at Florida (3:30, CBS)
Both of these sides are (barely) ranked. Do not expect that to last very much longer. But maybe we get some entertainment for old times’ sake.
LSU at Mississippi State (7:00, ESPN)
Here’s a fixture with a recent history of being all cray-cray. Dunno if Dan Mullen has the Cowbells re-stocked enough to compete yet, or if having DAK! was a once in a lifetime window for him/them. If so, hey, they always have the Starkville prison to brag on.
Kentucky at South Carolina (7:30, SECN)
Why didn’t they show this in the noon window, FFS? Interesting early season SEC East matchup, two teams who are pretty much an open book. KY in particular has nothing to lose, and could be dangerous as a result. The Chickens oft bumble these games.
Clemson at Louisville (8:00, ABC)
Once again, I will root heartily for the upfront, “no bones about it” evil of Bobby Petrino against the faux “humble Christian” shtick of DABO! any day of the week. Clemson is the dirtiest program in the ACC not named U*NC, and yes, that includes Rapey Jameis’ alma mater. Not easy to do.
Texas at Southern Cal (8:30, Fox)
This game won’t be much account, but there will be Song Girls, and tis always fun to laugh at Texas. Plus I guess some chance of a post-Stanford hangover effect.
Stanford at San Diego State (10:30, CBSSN)
Fun game, everyone gets to find a new channel whilst crunk! The Aztecs, fresh off they Coed Bowl win, host the downtrodden Trees. Momentum in JV NFL tends to mean jack shit, though. Bettors beware…
Ole Miss at Cal (10:30, ESPN)
Interesting tweaker alternate game, in that it should at least be a shootout. Not sure Johnny Reb will travel that well, but also think Cal isn’t very good.
So… iu is in danger of missing a bowl game because Florida international cancelled.
What ever shall they do?
Console themselves by having a nice, big bowl of gravy?
oh, they will change the rulez, otherwise the bowls sha’nt be filled.
Gotta grill some steaks, I’ll be back for this evening’s festivities (hopefully).
Later, Taters!
Strips?
Yep. Ribeyes were too gott-damned pricey.
Auburn having trouble with…Mercer? Mercer.
PAWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL!!!
More #B1GNESS:
North Texas is leading Iowa at halftime, 14-10.
i might need to watch that. GO BIG GREEN
Buckeye QB just throws it up and prays on 10+ yard passes. Any team that can at least hit back is going to ruin Cupcake U.
Based on what I’ve seen from the B1G…that will be they national semifinal foe.
Most Irrational Sports Hatred:
Boston College. I can’t think of an important game they’ve ever won against any of my teams. I barely know what a Jesuit is. WTF? I can’t even cheer for them against Notre Goddamn Dame. It makes no sense.
Well, they did give rise to Doug Flutie (Ithink?) who eventually played for the patriots, so it makes perfect sense.
And appears in Diet Dr Pepper commercials.
From a weird angle so you can’t tell how comically short he is.
Their fans are truly awful people. Take all the TAWMMYNESS, add a dash of undeserved pretentiousness, and then mix in so-called moral authority.
They have fans? Except when they play ND, every match looks like a Shitty Clippers home game.
Strongly related: A friend of mine despises Matt Ryan and did so before the Falcons even drafted him.
SHA’NKLOR is in Gainesville, ya’ll!
Scotchy after hitting the liquor store (artist’s conception):
Poor bastard next door has been doing his roof by himself for the last three days in some very hot weather. I’d offer to help but I think he needs to live with his foolish decisions.
sounds liek a good way to break ur neck AND not watch glorious footbaw. HARD PASS.
Contractors need to make a living too you know.
Why does Ohio State hate the troops?
Related query: Why does Florida hate the forward pass?
Gators have short arms?
Hehe.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oW4W6TnlcA
oh shit, maybe has sommet to do with Kent State? They hold grudge??
Dominatrix Pizza-YOU’D BETTER FUCKING LOVE IT!
Safe word with each order of breadsticks?
“I’ll take a pepperoni and cheese and could you draw a cat o’nine tails on the box?”
Army has a gritty fullback.
Pssst! The new code word is ‘savvy’.
Too lazy to switch. Any updates on the Counter Reformation?
TCU/SMU is my alternate. Bloodeyes by 2, 21-19
Jesuits down to the Irish 14-10 coming up on the half.
KICKER BATTLE. It’s ON!
What about a “Clothes Off Pose Off”?
You have Mr. Tebow’s attention now.
Which kicker is the most ethnic?
So the company has acquired a new office. i might be headed to Salt Lake City for a few weeks. Will i be treated “ok’? I have a natural tan.
oh yeah, fuckton of Hawaiian/Samoan Mormons.
Having driven through the city in an El Camino when I was 14 years-old, I feel qualified to say, “things will be just fine”.
Why has Kansas never had a quality football team? Makes no sense to me.
Guys. GUYS!
There was booze at the booze store.
and they let you just have it? For worthless pieces of paper from the state??
[shakes head] This country never ceases to amaze me!
Did you leave any for the rest of us?
There’s a half empty bottle of Cardhu on one of the back shelves. Enjoy.
Oh, that’s where I left it. Thanks!
That is the first 1st down I have seen the Vols acquire
Fuck off Ohio State go show-off in front of Clemson or OU. Let’s see what happens.
How can Florida not find a single semi decent QB in 7 years? How is that possible?
Ghost of Tebow?
They had Jacoby Brissett (starting for the Humps tomorrow), but they ran him off for the detritus you’ve seen over that time period. NC State sure appreciated the gift.
I guess they don’t want to tarnish the legacy of TEBOW!!
And they couldn’t fit Cam Newton in under the cap, so he had to go too.
Check the spelling of the Gator QB’s (first) name. I won’t even attempt it. My brain is leaking fluid from just seeing it on-screen, methinks.
I see the Buckeyes are all pumped up to take down powerhouse Army team.
Yeah, thank Christ that one gets national teevee coverage.
Overhead shots brought to you by General Atomics and the MQ-9 Reaper.
Just saw U*NC was up 11-0 on Old Dominion….
way to harsh on my nap buzz, dick
/it’s ok, will pop a pill
Flipped over to RockyTop v Molly Hatchet. No Tebow mentions yet, but it’s still early.
In fairness, the CBS announcing crew is 2nd best, only after Gus Johnson’s Fox team.
CBS is the only network that doesn’t stream their sports online which sucks bc I told Directv to kiss my ass. I did love me some Verne Lundquist.
Jokes aside…you can keep Sam Fucking Darnold, I would be rapturously happy for the Donks to somehow end up with Chosen Rosen. He good.
On to the Irish Catholics vs the Irish Catholics. I really hope BC pulls the upset because Brian Kelly is such a smug prick and I hope this is his last year at South Bend.
The Jesuits are the much MOAR tolerable branch, even outside the footy realm.
Plus, I doubt whatever jackass BC has coaching now has killed anybody whilst on the job.
Well, they’re natural enemies, what can you expect?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5lYXaVkA0U
Wait, UCLA-Memphis DOESN’T have a rivalry trophy?
Civil Disagreement would be apt.
The Greatest Trophy In Sports, At Least The Greatest Trophy In Sports Ever To Be Abandoned In The Locker Room By The Team That Wanted Nothing To Do With It Because Why The Fuck Are We Still Paying Bob Diaco Anyway?
“You stop him. No, you stop him. No. YOU stop him.”
Everybody, UCLA vs. Memphis
Jesus that was a hell of a run after the catch.
Okay, what’s with all the booky stuff going on here? I like my commenting like I like my women. Big and stupid.
Let’s see you lead your ppl out of this fucking desert, kid!
UCLA’s offense plays better defense than the D.
That Memphis fake FG was so ugly the Elephant Man just shook his misshapen head and said, “Damn.”
This has still been a hell of a game.
I’m going on a booze run. Does anyone want booze? ‘Cause I’m gonna buy me some booze.
If they have any of that beer with the skittles in it, get me a keg.
Such a product does not exist, sir.
I’m sure it does. I had some when I was seventeen. My name is Brian McGee by the way.
Drinking it and falling asleep listening to Queen?
I’m enjoying these “Aaron Rodgers-Clay Matthews as the destructive but well-insured gay couple” commercials.
Just a man, his dog, and his pick-em-up truck. How butch do you want him to be??
Edited out: AARon and Clay antiquing in the Wisconsin Dells, buying pumpkins and apple cider at roadside stands…
you know A-Aron is the top. He loves pulling that golden hair.
Since when does a drone on the windshield require a new truck?
CHICANERY IN ANCIENT EGYPT
It still seems so weird to me that College Football playoffs have more in common with American Idol than the NFL
UCLA’s defense is dog poop.
This UCLA team I call them the Pharoah Menes because their championship hopes are about to die and be buried in Memphis.
Please tell me you had to look that up.
Well, I DIDN’T have to look up the fact that Memphis is also a city in Egypt.
UCLA now RISING like the sun god Ra?
I’d say they’re certainly in DeNile about their championship hopes.
/Giant hook hauls Horatio offstage
Only the Trojans can safely be in DeNile.
Now there’s a commercial for catheters. If I call now, I can get a sampler pack.
Are you watching “The Wilford Brimley Hour”?
My Incontonia is my favorite Willa Catheter book.
Florida’s playing…time to dust off some kind of Tim Tebow graphic.
Mike Ditka is on Fox News doing a pain relief cream commercial. I think an old retired baseball guy is the costar.
Dr Ketamine’s Elixir and Hair Tonic?
Moar leik Josh Noenzone amirite?
UKLAH GOES DEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
UCLA is like the PAC-iest PAC-12 side EVAR. Their conference game scores will be in the 60s, each way
Does anyone else like to pronounce UCLA as “ooklah” in their head?
Fun Fact: in the Discworld series the word “oograh” is used by trolls to refer to anything that is not edible to them.
Remember when Ruby asked Detritus for oograh (meaning a bouquet) and he went and got an entire oak tree?
I do! Sort of – I tend to be drunk when I’m reading Pratchett. But I just finished Moving Pictures so it’s marginally fresh.
No but I always pronounced the “K” in knowledge. Even before the Beastie Boys did it.
Kickin’ the new kahnowledge.
“Uk-lah” since ever.
This is the correct pronunciation
Sounds like the Eskimo equivalent of Uggs
No.
What’s a Mr. Two Bits? I’ve done some Mr. Timbits cosplay in the past but that sounds just plain weird.
OK…
Edmonton/Toronto
SMU/TCU
Mercer/Auburn
ND/BC
Purdue/Mizzou
N. Texas/Iowa
Tenn/FloridaWiscy/BYU
So many choices!
Southpark marathon
Ponies just pulled off a sweet flea flicker. Nap was glorious,
Looking at that pu-pu platter, I’d go ND/BC or RockyTop/MollyHatchet.