Man, I had a great time on this very site yesterday while pretending to be a shut-in. All that was missing was a van to pick me up to get the weekly groceries. I’ll just assume that the higher-ups are working on that. TO THE GAMES!
Chi/TB: Will qb Winston be able to cut back on his-hold your breath, Bucs fans-28(!) turnovers committed last year? He has no choice. Perhaps the Bears should give the ball back to basher Jordan Howard. That’ll just make everyone’s favourite fantasy pickup, Tarik Cohen’s job that much easier. Howard is expected to play but he was listed as questionable.
Buf/Car: Both Tyrod and Cam are coming off so-so performances that ultimately resulted in W’s so what do you want? Bills HC McDermott cut his teeth in the NFL as a DC at Carolina so he’ll have a bit of insight as to how to attack the D. McCaffrey’s nickname this week is Run-CMC.
Cle/Bal: Despite grabbing the L last week vs. Pittsburgh the Browns played quite well. Qb Kizer threw at a 66% clip and came out even with respect to TD’s and interceptions. Maybe, kinda, sorta, perhaps they’re headed in the right direction? Easy now, it was one game.
Ari/Ind: Both teams suffered through some abysmal qb play last week. Indy decided to get on the horn/kick Tolzien to the curb and go in another direction. The Cards response was a resigned shoulder shrug and a, “hey, it can’t get any worse next week, right?” Let’s see how these disparate approaches play out.
Phi/KC: Here are two teams that impressed (supposedly) neutral observers with how easily they took care of business last week. The Chiefs should get the home win and the number one AFC seed (it’s never too early!) but it’s not out of the realm of possibility that Philly surprises.
NE/NO: At long last Brandin Cooks comes home. I gotta think that Grumblelord gets the Pats on track again via a hellacious beatdown of the Saints.
Ten/Jax: You know why the Jags are now so committed to the run/play tough D way of doing things? It may have something to do with qb Bortles being 1-11 in games that he’s thrown for over 300 yards. Welcome to your new ‘game manager’ status, Blake-Alex Smith will be by later on with your lapel pin.
Min/Pit: This is my pick for best game of the early slate. Rb Bell will have his hands full with the Vikes front four and wr Brown gets a matchup with top 5 cb Xavier Rhodes. I can see the Stillers winning but they won’t do it in a walk.
It’s another gorgeous day out there where I am. Just perfect for sitting in the basement and watching ball. Let’s get to it, shall we?
A Palmer INT???? NO WAY
It’s almost like he’s no fucking good or something
HAHAHAHAHA
https://twitter.com/xmasape/status/909482586254213120
What do you think the chances are that Carson Wentz has ever had sex with a woman?
Same as mine.
you’ve probably fondled WAY LESS livestock, tho
True
A real woman?
God I love watching Philly Twitter react live to the Eagles. It’s so great.
Everything is bad
I hear Roberto Aguyo is available
Fuck, you could pay me in Wawa sandwiches and I’d be thrilled to kick for the Eagles. It literally couldn’t get that much worse at this point.
Wasn’t there a season around 2003/2004 where Dallas cut like 5 kickers in a season? I don’t want that.
Jerral was clearly hitting lines HARD that year.
Hmmmm…
These are the people Hillary blames in her book for getting Trump elected.
Sigh.
EAGLOLS
The John Fox era is a lot like the Lovie Smith era… except they don’t have a QB, a defense, a kicker, or a return specialist, but they both have sub par wrs.
ZACK MOTHERFUCKING ERTZ
well, that was wacky
“The Goat Is back”
Go fuck yourself, Hansen.
This Cleveland qb is really gonna study the film of himself later
Kendall Wright looks injured. Good thing the Bears have so much depth at WR!
Glennon has found several suitable replacements who just happen to be on the other team so we’re good.
Do you think there’s a loophole in his contract where he’s paid a bonus based on completed passes, but they just didn’t specify which team?
I’m 5’9″ 240 and haven’t been on a field since I played punter and backup guard in high school and at this rate, I might be lining up at wideout for these guys by week 6.
Sounds like you’re overqualified…
NO may have the worst secondary in organized footbaw
Tiny Darren actually hurt the Eagles. Everything coming up shit this afternoon.
The Cubs game is about to start and I look forward to the other ursine team infuriating me somehow.
How the fuck did Minny ever get 3 points?
Typo
Really enjoying the STOP STANDING THERE AND THROW THE FUCKING BALL ALREADY!-Bowl between Wentz and Smith.
Payton, you fucking pussy. I hope they miss the field goal.
Little do you know, Payton IS fucking pussy.
Haha, except for the points off the opening drive ALL the Buccs points are off turnovers.
Baltimore secondary headed to the Eastern Front after that coverage?
/Not even watching the game, and wasn’t even alive when HH was on the air.
so…they took a MADE field goal off the board to TRY to draw the P*ts offside?
I know NOTHING about this Cleveland qb.
Did they finally just resort to pulling fans out of the stands and tossing them in uniform?
The fans could escape through secret tunnels if they wanted to, but they stay just for the fun of it.
He had a 30 yard scramble last season and immediately became the future of the franchise.
Previously handed the ball off at Stanford.
He’s from Stanford?
Gotta make sure they get that Microsoft Surface in the shot. i bet Goodell gets a hardon every time one is in the TV shot.
Ted Ginn does a Ted Ginn
Good to know if you give Glennon a clean pocket, he’ll calmly throw a pick-six.
TD Browns by the unknown QB!!!!
Hogan, a hero?
Touchdown to Brown Town!
Seriously, we’re NOT doing “phrasing” anymore, right?
Cam is looking better this week.
Goddamn, I knew I should have picked up the Buccs D
I streamed Bungles instead. Not happy.
That makes four.
Come on you Philly fucks score some points!
I’ve decided to retreat to my happy place…The kitchen.
I’m dying of jealousy.
Chicken enchiladas and a pot of pint beans.
I hate you.
I had breakfast enchiladas yesterday. Scrambled eggs, bacon and chives on the inside with cheese, sour cream and hot salsa on top. A-fucking-1.
That sounds incredible.
So goddamn good. I highly encourage it. I think a small amount of black beans – maybe finely diced like the bacon and chives were – could also be a welcome addition next time around.
Man, are any of the games that are on any good?
Not for a long time.
Who wants some Kerwynn Williams goal line action??
No thanks. I ate plenty of chips as a child.
You know what’s really fucking entertaining? A Colts-Cardinals game without either team’s only impactful offensive player.
It HAS been like 40% of RedZone
Kizer gets replaced by a 12 year old who proceeds to lead the Browns down the field.
The guy’s twitter handle really makes it.
Bears fandom, everybody.
Goddamnn, Reidian clusterfuck in full swing in KC
Jaguras are TOTES winning that division, with no QB and nothing better than a WR4.
Wait…the argument here is that the Bears are sticking to the run because there’s still a water shortage in Florida?!
That explains 3 quarters of the Tenn/Florida game yesterday.
Yeah my brain screeched to a halt after I heard that. It’s still looking around wondering what to make of it.
Wait what? Seriously?
Like that Lewis Black bit – “if it wasn’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college”
What Lewis Black likely neglected to mention was that the horse’s name was also College.
I didn’t make it until the end of the 1st quarter before I gave up on the Vikings game.
Fuck that shit!
Why the fuck would I want to watch their defense put 9 guys in the box daring our quarterback – who can’t throw – to throw?
The Browns@Bears Xmas Eve game will be the Super Bowl of Sadness. They should have the Jets playing too, somehow.
Jets are playing the Shitty Clippers. GLORIOUS live blog!
Christ, Kerwynn Williams already benched?
Needs a little more drying time, he’s still tacky to the touch.
Imagine Kap on the Cards and Johnson healthy? That’s a scary team.
current iteration is scary, just scary in a #ThePauls way
Jesus. I would say “That poor intern,” but they made their choice and now they have to live with it. Much like Bears fans.
I don’t follow Bears Twitter (Cubs Twitter is bad enough as it is) but are they screaming for the Truth Biscuit yet?
Probably. I just saw that randomly when I accidentally clicked the #NFLBlitz hashtag as it was posted almost simultaneously.
All because I wanted to make a joke about how Brandi Love is doing NFL color commentary.
Romo’s not calling the Donks/Cowboys?
Shouldn’t Romo and Aikman have to slap-fight it out to determine the announcing crew?
Opposing networks. Romo keeeled pheeel. Finally got to take out a giant.
Right. Nance/Romo v Buck/Aikman. Tag team/ladder/lingerie/rageinacage match to determine fitbaw talky-talk dominance.
What are the Vegas odds on the Bears laying a goose egg?
Taken off the board.