CrimeBeat!: Patriots Schadenfreude Day Edition

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh dear…it’s so sweet it should come with a vial of insulin…I though “ROFL” was just an expression….

Brothers and sisters, we live in an Age of Common Wonders.  We can talk instantaneously to someone on the other side of the planet and we think nothing of it. We have computers in our pockets, each of which are more powerful than all of the computers which took humanity to the Moon put together, and we use them to debate strangers about whether The Last Jedi was a good movie (hint: it was not).  We can travel 60 miles in just an hour on the highway and still be considered going too slow.

But some days, brothers and sisters, some days BLEERGH! reminds of the true meaning of now common words. He reminds us that “awesome” originally meant “to inspire fear and trembling” instead of “yeah, these tortilla chips are pretty dang good.”

The word “miracle” is now mostly used by As-Seen-On-TV marketing hacks and purveyors of the only condiment more disgusting than actual mayonnaise.

Because “Kraft War Crime Whip” didn’t test well in focus groups

But today, He reminds us that “miracle” meant an event that cannot be explained by the laws of nature and so is held to be somehow supernatural. Today, we have all been lifted up from the darkness and depths of despair to be reborn in the light of wonder. For today, BLEERGH! has set before us a genuine Patriots Schadenfreude Day miracle.

For what else can we call the breaking news of Robert Kraft being ensnared in an Asian Massage Parlor Prostitution and Human Trafficking Bust but a miracle?  The tiny seedling of Hope that had been growing with the Eagles’ Superb Owl triumph and the rise of legitimate AFC contenders had been pissed on by the Neighborhood Dog of Woe.  The Forces of Darkness stood triumphant at the end of that bleak February Sunday.   For most of us, we assumed that it would be a Year Without a Patriots Schadenfreude Day.

But BLEERGH! heard our cries. He heard our lamentations.  And so He reached out, undid the slacks of Robert Kraft and led him by the willy unto temptation, so that we might laugh again.

It’s not perfect. Were BLEERGH! and the rest of the Commentarianist Pantheon kind and loving deities, we would have been treated to Kraft, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick [CENSORED BY EDITOR] with two donkeys, a car battery and six dozen Dunkin’ Donuts.

But it’s what we needed as a nation.  Bloviating “we do it the right way” schmucktacular billionaire Robert Kraft gets caught utilizing the “services” of a “massage” parlor like some common middle-age hangdog horndog.  And just for extra flavor, the man whose team won their first championship thanks to illegal videotaping of the other team gets brought low with what the police describe as “video evidence of Kraft involved in sex acts in a massage parlor on two occasions”.  C’est magnifique. 

So in the dark times to come, when the world seems a frigid wasteland devoid of justice, mercy or joy, remember this day. Remember the Patriots Schadenfreude Day that was never supposed to be, and be glad in your hearts, for miracles do happen.

Make no mistake, brothers and sisters: human trafficking is straight-up horrifying, and those who kept these women in virtual slavery deserve everything coming to them and more.  And customers like Robert Kraft are why this sort of crime happens- they make it a very lucrative business. There is nothing funny about the exploitation of the vulnerable.

But…

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

And as always, Foxborough delenda est

 

 

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
Please Login to comment
44 Comment threads
91 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
26 Comment authors
BrettFavresColonoscopyMoose -The End Is Well Nighlitre_colaThe Right Reverend Electric MayhemViva La Tabula Raza Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Mark Davis scandal coming up.

comment image

litre_cola

Bravo Rev. Superb.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Beerguyrob

This wouldn’t have happened if Burt Reynolds’ father was still sheriff of Jupiter, FL.
comment image

That man would have protected those businesses like his son did in that movie about whores!
comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

SonOfSpam

Heh. He did Archer’s mom.

And approximately 70% of all Hollywood actresses between 1975 and 1983.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

And became a hero to MILF-lovers everywhere when he shacked up with Dinah Shore, 20 years his senior, in the mid-1970s.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

Think we’re finally enjoying a world where The National Inquirer can’t catch and kill every story about sleazy fucks anymore.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

He ain’t even gotta try to put the mac on
He just gotta give me that look, when he give me that look
Then the gloves comin’ off, off, uh
Excuse me, you’re a hell of a guy you know
I really got a thing for American guys

-Nikki MaOrchidSpa

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“We are just thinking about Cincinnati now.”

King Hippo

I mean, why didn’t he just poop in a clothes hamper? – Najeh D.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

Every single Patriots interview next season better be framed around this.

“Playing in the snow in Buffalo in Week 17, what did you tell your teammates to inspire them to move past Robert Kraft being arrested for getting a tugger from a slave in a Florida strip mall for $59 and just focus on the game instead of Robert Kraft’s participation in a human trafficking operation where he was caught on tape paying with a Patriots Visa card the $59 for a hand job from a woman being held captive against her own will?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He shares his stadium suite with Trump; why are people surprised? There may be even more liquid to this story.

blaxabbath

“See! He just watched prostitution piss on a bed then fucked then! That’s not even illegal there! 4 more years!”

– “Christians”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I watched NFL Live to to see Suzy Kolber talk about hand jobs.

SonOfSpam

Drunk Joe Namath is already practicing is next pickup line.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

Robert Kraft’s millions of dollars may not kiss him good night but his human sex slaves have to.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

Guess it’s safe to say Kraft’s contrasting collared shirts match his dick.

SonOfSpam

Why, because both are pressed by Asians?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That joke has not wrinkles…. unlike Kraft’s sack.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Lipstick ring, brown ring (Tom?), doughnut glaze ring, and Cheeto dust ring.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Jupiter, Florida? Just think if it was down the road in Uranus, Florida!

SonOfSpam

Gotta be careful…lotta nuts around there.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You are right! He is old and saggy; both doze nuts hang around his anus.

SonOfSpam

“Hey, I know I fucked y’all pretty good today, but give me a couple weeks and I’ll make it up to you. You’ll have your Schadenfreude, I guarantee it.”

– God, late evening February 3.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

God has a great sense of humour, it can just be kinda…complex

blaxabbath

He is truly the greatest clockmaker.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cockmaker.

SonOfSpam

Don’t want to start any blasphemous rumours.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

SonOfSpam

THE PLACE IS CALLED “ORCHIDS OF ASIA”

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I FIND THIS SO FUNNY, BUT IT’S CAUSING AN ALL-CAPS COMMENT

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

NSFW

comment image

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

How does a guy that rich and connected not have an undercover detective sidle up at the massage parlor and whisper to him “Ixnay on the ojobblay. We’re casing the joint out.” Robert Kraft, you are one sad sack of an evil mastermind. I am disappointed in you.

blaxabbath

Birthright millions.

At least Bezos had to be hacked by Saudi Arabia.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

I’ll say it — $59 for a hand job is too much.

SonOfSpam

This story really speaks to you. I’m happy about that.

Also, yeah, for $59 I better get a handy and like Milk Duds or the like.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah! Right?

– Yeah Right

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He always was a cheap fucker when hand jobs were concerned.

yeah right

The best part is all he got was a handie and a blowie!

What a fucking schmuck!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No; the lube was the tears of the other AFC East owners.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Prices are high because we need to pay a living wage to Russians who own sex slaves.

blaxabbath

The only adequate punishment is to make his team share facilities with the Raiders next year. It’ll be a very compelling season three of That’s My Raiders!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

“HOW’D THAY GET RAH-BAHT ON VIDEO WITHOUT HIS CONSENT?! WHAT ABOUT THE FAHKIN CONSTITUTION!? THIS IS YA REAL SPYGATE RIGHT HERE-AH!”

comment image

(Sorry, I don’t understand how to do TfQ well)

Beerguyrob

You did fine. Possibly needed a “THIS IS THA BIGGEST VIDEO SCANDAL SINCE GAWKAH GOT THA HULKSTAH!”

We also would have accepted,

“WHY THE FACK WOULD RAH-BAHT KRAFT GO ALL THA WAY TAH FLOR-AH-DAH FOR A HANDY WHEN I KNOW A BUNCHA GALS IN SOUTHY THAT’D DO HIM FAH FREE?!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

Really makes Robert Kraft’s bid for sponsorship rights to the Scripps Spelling Bee come into question now…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

Much like when I go buy drugs, why is he rolling in there sharing his real name? I go up to my dealer, “Yo, it’s me Sill Bimmons. Give me the Sill Bimmons usual.” I get my bag of Ajax cut with nose clams and go on my way.

Bet that cheap fuck Kraft was just collecting credit card points.

King Hippo

this is just so beautiful

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

“This is why I always pummel my prostitutes.”

-W. Sapp, former NFL Network personality

blaxabbath

On the bright side, it looks like we are finding out where all those kids DHS ripped from their families ended up.

blaxabbath

I’ve read nothing to disprove that his worker wasn’t a boy.

NTTIAWWT (if over 18 and not a human slave and legal in this jurisdiction, I mean).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

All just as Q predicted….

WCS

comment image

SonOfSpam

NERD!!!!

/realizes that in calling WCS a nerd I too am a nerd because I get the reference
//punches self in face
///cums

blaxabbath

////saves $59 and a ‘thanks’

SonOfSpam

/////wonders who the fuck thanks a handy-skank

blaxabbath

He’s too rude to say he loves her.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“What on earth kind of dirt could someone possibly have on Belichick that could actually get him to endorse that orange mound of congealed grease?” – RTD, to himself, ~2 years ago

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Beerguyrob

I guess this makes it 7 rings total for Robert Kraft.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYO!!

Horatio Cornblower

How did this not happen to Jerry Jones first you ask?

Because Jerry Jones has his call girls killed, that’s how.

ballsofsteelandfury

They’re hookers when they’re dead.

Horatio Cornblower

They sure are Cyril, they sure are.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Fronkenshteen

My seven year old is moping because we won’t let him have an Instagram account. Fucking kill me.

Horatio Cornblower

He can have mine.

Game Time Decision

technically, one needs to be 13 or older to have an IG account. You could follow the rules ( for once) and defer to them

blaxabbath

Or work at a massage parlor Robert Kraft frequents.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

My fellow Pats fans have been sending me “entrapment” texts and that kind of shit.
Stop it. He’s a sleazebag just like all the other owners. I can’t believe he was that stupid; pride goeth before the fall…
Myra would be so proud.

blaxabbath

You are probably a good guy but fuck your fellow Pats fans.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I think that was the emotion/attitude I was trying to convey.

Redshirt

Knowing ESPN, they’ll say Kraft gave a needy woman some money, while assisting her with simple hand and breathing exercises.

Beerguyrob

“I guess it really is all about the timing.”

— Eugene Robinson

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Not so krafty…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Game Time Decision

There’s apparently other big names that were caught at that spa, that haven’t been released yet.

ballsofsteelandfury

Please let them all be Patriots. Please let them all be Patriots. Please let them all be Patriots. Please let them all be Patriots. Please let them all be Patriots.

Game Time Decision

I’m hoping for, like, Goodell or some politician.

nomonkeyfun

Rupert Murdoch is probably the next one to get caught in this. He probably got bored of being with Mick Jagger’s ex. And we know he had a thing for Asian women.

Either that or Woody Allen, because Soon-Yi is too old.

King Hippo

Murdoch seems more liek “fuck the maid” to me.

Cuntler

Fuck the maid, you say?
comment image

Horatio Cornblower

woody Allen may also be trying to work out the difference between “I can relate to this woman” and “I am related to this woman”

Cuntler

No wonder Virginia McCaskey has been so quiet.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Judge for yourself.
comment image

blaxabbath

Daniel R Young going to massage parlors at fucking 84 years old!

Redshirt

Arthritis sucks.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, Goering is Goodell’s pseudonym, right?

King Hippo

probably also his cosplay

King Hippo

oh noes, not Justo M. Naranjo!!1111

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s Trump. ( Justo Naranjo = just orange in Spanish)

Beerguyrob

With the exception of Mingfu Lu, this list reads like a Bilderberg meeting. Someone get Alex Jones on the case.

Sharkbait

C’mon Robert. Going to a $50 rub and tug in Jupiter Florida is like going to a strip club at 10am on a Tuesday. There is better (and legal) talent elsewhere!

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

When Kraft gets his slap on the wrist punishment, it will be glossed over that he was hitting up a trafficking ring, and he will be excused for his “ignorance.”

And we all know that’s bullshit. Because this guy not only has the money to get the highest quality, technically legal, high class high cost American white girl escorts. He’s HAD them. He was SICK of them. He wanted down and dirty. He wanted immigrant pussy. He didn’t want the bored faux passion of a professional who would judge him against her other rich fucks’ wrinkled saggy balls. He wanted the power of screwing someone completely powerless. Robert Kraft knew what he wanted, and if anything, paying for cheap ass was part of the fetish. These are the kinds of Johns that should have the book thrown at them.

But that won’t happen.

King Hippo

I CAN’T POSSIBLY LIKE THIS ENOUGH WOO!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Morgan Freeman from ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ Narrator Voice: “Porky didn’t show up often around these parts, least not lately but when he did it was with a slam and a bang that would leave the Sisters’ head ringing for the better part of a week. Then he’d disappear as quickly as he’d come. I don’t know what became of him, but I like to think he found his own little Zijua… Xionath…Ziwan…fuckit, Miami somewhere on the internet.”

herodotus450
herodotus450

Shit I didn’t even know there were 19 people on this site

blaxabbath

I didn’t even know we had enough readers for this comment to get so many likes.

King Hippo

same! Twenty-fucking-one??

Beerguyrob

Hey – we have over 700 approved accounts.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, you fuckers!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Absofuckinglutely correct.

King Hippo

HAIL BLEERGH!!

also NAWT fay-uh, he’s just Making Florida Jerk Shacks Great Again!

Beerguyrob

If we could only add Robert Kraft…
comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You say it like we can’t.

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Now bring back Brady and move Kraft just to the right

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

BEEEEAUTIFUL.

Rodney_Peete_is_1337
Rodney_Peete_is_1337

According to TMZ it was a $59 an hour massage parlor. Somewhere Mike Brown is applauding his fellow cheapskate owner.