The scene: The Iguana Mart of the Future! While the rest of the DFO has been up to their ears in trouble, Low Commander has been gathering up supplies and is now in a checkout line with a yuuuge cart full of future-stuff. Warblefunk is playing over the sound system. It sounds like a walrus playing a xylophone through a distorted speaker. It’s pretty popular in the future.

Low Commander is checking over his list again, so he’s understandably distracted and totally misses the sight of Beerguyrob, Lord Revisisle and the Hardboiled Detective racing out the front door of the Iguana Mart, followed closely by a strange green glob. He does look up in time to see a blue-skinned bartender chasing after them with a Multi-Use Explosive Rocket Tracking-Enhanced system. Low Commander watches the bartender run by and he frowns.

Low Commander (looking in the cart): Hmm, I did get a M.U.E.R.T.E., right…? OK, yeah, there it is. I just wish I could have found one that wasn’t hot pink.

The line moves forward and Low Commander finds himself (finally) at the checkout stand. The girl at the cashier’s station has Betty Page bangs, a ton of eye makeup and a Bauhaus t-shirt, thus proving that the goth subculture is eternal.

Goth Cashier (chewing gum): Got any coupons?

Low Commander (revealing a barcode on his arm): No, but I do get the Guaranteed Imperial Forces discount.

The Goth Cashier gives a “whatever” look and scans the barcode.

Goth Cashier: Your account’s been inactive for, like, a year.

Low Commander: I was…um…on a secret mission. Very hush-hush stuff. Could you reactivate it?

The Goth Cashier rolls her eyes like Low Commander just asked her to make a Sophie’s Choice between Maila Nurmi and Cassandra Peterson and pushes a button on the cash register.

Goth Cashier (almost…not quite, but almost…impressed): Huh. You’ve got quite a bit of credit on your account.

Low Commander: Well, I am a Low Commander…

Goth Cashier: I thought you looked familiar. I dated a Low Commander for awhile. Say…

Low Commander (with a sly grin): Yes?

Goth Cashier: I don’t want to get personal, but do all Low Commanders have that…little problem…?

Low Commander (defensive): What? NO! Not at all! Some of the early ones were defective! They all got recalled!

Goth Cashier: It was pretty weird, y’know? Like, the first time I saw it, I…

Low Commander: LOOK! Can I just buy this stuff? I’m kind of in a hurry.

The Goth Cashier shrugs and starts scanning all the future-stuff in Low Commander’s cart.

Low Commander: Oh, by the way…I came in with a few guys. They were over at the bar drinking beer. Could you put them on my tab? I doubt they had any money.

The Goth Cashier shrugs and punches a few buttons on the register.

Low Commander: They drank forty-seven beers? I only left them there for a couple of hours!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly and Brocky go running by. Rikki still has the crabman arm and his pockets are overflowing with drugs. Brocky is lugging the oversized bong.

Low Commander (with a face palm): Um…could you put whatever they have on my bill as well?

With a roll of the eyes, the Goth Cashier punches a few more buttons on the register. Low Commander watches as a one-armed crabman and a four-armed mariachi run past, hot on the trail of Rikki and Brocky.

Low Commander: Huh. Um, are we almost done? I think my friends are going to need me…

Goth Cashier: Just a sec…I’m running a price check on the Packets o’ Pig Parts. I think there’s a special on the 10 pound bags.

Low Commander (wincing as an explosion lights up the parking lot outside): I’m really in a hurry…

A vaguely humanoid pair in matching grey suits and darker grey ties approach Low Commander.

Missionary #1: Sir, have you heard of the Great Truth?

Low Commander: I don’t…

Missionary #2: What my partner is asking is, do you know about the Somber Prophet?

Low Commander: The…Somber…Prophet?

Missionary #2: Yassir. He brings truth and wisdom to the masses.

Missionary #1: The one, true truth, sir. Don’t be fooled by charlatans, con men, deceivers, liars…

Missionary #2: Grifters. Swindlers. Flim-flam artists.

Low Commander: Oh, crap…

Missionary #1: It’s a cold world out there, mister. And sometimes you need something to keep you warm. Sure, a drink will keep you warm for an hour. Maybe two.

Missionary #2: Or you could pick up a woman. She might keep you warm for a few nights.

Missionary #1: Or she might leave you in a bathtub full of ice with a splitting headache and one kidney. But you know what really keeps you warm at night?

Low Commander (looking around): Where the frek is he…?

Missionary #2: That’s right, sir. The truth. She can be a harsh mistress. She doesn’t always tell you what you want to hear. But she tells you what you need to hear, and in crystal-clear tones.

Low Commander spots Top Detective over in the middle of a crowd of mutants, ravagers, aliens and other assorted hangers-on. Several more missionaries, dressed in grey suits and ties, are circulating through the crowd and around the store.

Low Commander (to the Goth Cashier): Could you add a license to proselytize to my bill…?

To be continued…