Your “Is It Dessert Time Already?” Sunday Night NFL Open Thread

Whoopty-ding-dang-do! Another Sunday is coming to an end and then it’s back to the soul-crushing grind that begins Monday morning. But wait! Not so fast, residents north of the USA. Monday is a funday holiday for us blessed lot. We shall whisper our obligatory prayers to the Holy Trinity of Bobby Orr, Terry Fox and Celine Dion. We will leave any and all expired food at the end of our driveways as an offering to the roving bands of black bears that protect our neighborhoods. We shall make love doggy-style to our partners so that both of us can watch the CBC News. We shall give a tip of a well-worn baseball cap to the Molson family which has kept us well-hydrated for so many years. We shall quietly harvest the salty and smoky bounty from our most precious resource and best-kept secret, the back bacon tree. We will even allow those dirty Armenians to come up to the surface (only for one day, mind you) from the living hell that is the underground hockey puck mines.

And then we will go about our unassuming business, content that the world has no clue about our odd and oddly comforting rituals. Now one must go… TO THE GAME!!!

KC/Hou: The Chiefs haven’t really been seriously challenged this year and the fifty fantasy bucks I spent on Kareem Hunt looks like a bargain. If Houston is in the lead at the half you can rest assured that Andy Reid will bring out the old tried and true “IT GETS BUTTER, UH, BETTER, BETTER” speech. That one is a keeper!

Show everyone what ya got down below, hombres.

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Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

THEORETICAL CONVERSATION:

Miramax Prexy: Okay Brick, I’ll give you a $20 million budget for your movie, but you’ll only get 2% profit participation instead of the 10% you asked for. Also you have to suck my dick.
Me: Done and done, sir! Now if you don’t mind pulling out your dick let’s get this over with. I’ve got a movie to make!
Miramax Prexy: Meathook, you’re another Tarantino!

Romonobyl
Member

I can’t imagine Tarantino shutting up long enough to even give a proper blowjob.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

3% for taking it in the ass and he doesn’t have to stop talking or doing blow.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

From what I heard he pitched “Pulp Fiction” while he was blowing Weinstein for “Reservoir Dogs.”

clint greasewood
Member
clint greasewood

Come on Lamar Miller, my fantasy team depends on you.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

smh if you can’t count on a man to even get you the latest issue of Harper’s, how can you trust your fantasy fortunes on him

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

Jesus, the legal streams from the actual networks suck.

Gratliff
Member

NBC’s streams used to be the best in the industry. Multiple cameras on demand, rewind capability, etc. Then they decided they wanted that sweet, sweet ad revenue. Now they devote so much of their scripting into making sure you don’t have an adblocker currently running that it runs like watching a .avi on a Pentium I computer.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

It really is amazing how much the legit product is made to suck. Like they want people to use pirates.

King Hippo
Member

ESPN’s works pretty ok. NBC’s (for Lesser Footy) worked when it was free, now that they charge $50/yr, it’s ass (like mlb.tv)

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

ESPN’s is tolerable, I agree. MLB usually works pretty well, it’s much better on my phone.

I don’t have NHL.Tv but I heard when they redid last season it was a nightmare.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

The commercials look great though!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Of course

blaxabbath
Member

Just came back. What happened to Watt now? He get OBJ’d?

Romonobyl
Member

His knee went all Newton’s Law.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

They just showed him getting on the meat wagon. I’m calling it a Knee (doubtful).

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Too much grit again?

King Hippo
Member

too much East German horse steroids again, also

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Adam Schefter reporting that L. Vonn is boarding a plane, seen warming her hands up while a large barrel marked “LOTION” was being wheeled behind her.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Oh great, Adam Schefter has access to my dreams. Terrific.

King Hippo
Member

sommet went ker-plodey

King Hippo
Member

Andy Reid’s fat genius plan for shutting down Deshaun Watson – bore him to death with 9 minute FG drives.

Romonobyl
Member

Holy shit that is Christina Hendricks shilling for Kia! They look the same, but she looks different.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Are the Chefs the most boring team that I’ve never watched? Is basedball actually more exciting that football tonight? Will I watch neither, and spend the rest of night looking at semi-nude Jennifer Connely pictures?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Share the pictures. Yes to the rest.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

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Romonobyl
Member

Not a good year for H-Town thus far.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

THIS GAME I CALL THE ALAMO BECAUSE TEXANS ARE FALLING LEFT AND RIGHT!

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

JJ WATT YOU PUSSY

Romonobyl
Member

Yeah, not like he doesn’t have another knee!

King Hippo
Member

#NoDaysOff means #NoDaysOff unless he’s a durn liar liek that nogood sumbitch NOBUMMER

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Concerned Texan (?) fans. DRINK!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

“This is Harvey Weinstein for Bob’s Discount Furniture”

jjfozz
Member

My son traded Big Ben on Friday. Fucking genius.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

How many Choco Tacos did he get in exchange?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

He got a bent motorcycle frame

Horatio Cornblower
Member

He got future pardons on 3 felony charges of his choice, a trade of significant value to anyone in the Baltimore area.

King Hippo
Member

HOU has an interesting take on the “cover zero”

Petronel
Member
Petronel

Mercilus taking the protesting to a new level…oh.

jjfozz
Member

A friend of mine and I were having a talk about disciplining our children and I mentioned that the other day my 13 year old stepped up to me like he wanted to fight. I grabbed him and backed him up against the wall and said, “You make that move you better be ready to back it up.”

And a husband and wife sitting in the living room looked very uncomfortable.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

When my son was about 14 he made the mistake of saying something out of line to his mother when he was within my arm’s reach.

It did not happen again.

People ask why are kids are so well behaved, (and they are, they really are good kids), and the very simple answer is because we laid down the law early and stuck with it. Does it suck? Yes. Will you wish you didn’t have to take the role of a parent instead of a buddy? Absolutely. Does it work? From my experience, yes, very much so.

YMMV, and so on and so forth.

King Hippo
Member

eh, I think you have to show you won’t be cowed, first and foremost. Everything else is VERY secondary.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Dad…?

Gratliff
Member

Isn’t that shit fun? I have no real insight here. I’ve been dealing with a child legit prone to psychotic episodes for the last 4 years and not a single psychologist or behavioral therapist has an answer for how to handle those sorts of moments. My son tried that last year on the same day he got suspended for throwing a chair at a teacher. The only thing I could think of is what would happen to him if he tried it on someone who didn’t give a fuck and how best to dissuade him from ever considering that again. I’m certain everything I did was wrong.

Gratliff
Member

My 10 year old just heard me singing “Won’t Back Down” and told me that it sounded just like ‘Stay With Me.” I know someone who isn’t getting a Christmas this year

jjfozz
Member

Wake him up in the middle of the night wearing a clown mask

Horatio Cornblower
Member

My daughter, the same one my wife and I just traumatized with a red balloon in her bedroom when she got back from seeing “It”, says to not do that.

Gratliff
Member

Funny story. He was all SUPER HYPED FOR HORROR MOVIES this weekend, and I said “fuck it” since he’s 10 now. Started with the old TV version of IT since he was trying to talk me into letting him see the new one. Finished it and went to move on to the next I had planned (Halloween 2) and he suddenly had no desire to watch anything else. Tim Curry’s Pennywise is designed to fuck up small children.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Dude if you really want to fuck him up start reading the novel to him as a bedtime story. It is fucking terrifying all the way through, and I say that recommending that you skip the child gang bang scene.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

Like, Stay With Me by Rod Stewart and Faces? I don’t hear any similarity when I play the two in my head.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

Why do they keep the Astrodome up, is that where Bum Phillips has his mausoleum?

King Hippo
Member

I would go to TX just to see that

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

Love ya Blue (Face)

litre_cola
Member

I would like a Tyreek Hill TD please

jjfozz
Member

Wait, I stand corrected. The redhead wit the massive jugs in the Kia commercial has universe level breasts.

Romonobyl
Member

One is built for comfort, the other for speed.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

This is what I get for not watching TV

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I must be getting the Amish feed. Cause I ain’t seein any of these ads.

Romonobyl
Member

That’s better.

jjfozz
Member

Ok, the short haired chick in the new apple commercial has award winning breasts.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I’ve never wanted to see an Apple ad this badly before.

Romonobyl
Member

Those do look like fun.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

The new iPhone XXX

jjfozz
Member

Also, as an assistant football coach, I got a warning yesterday for yelling, “You’re missing a hell of a game ref!”

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Harvey Weinstein was just fired as head of Miramax, which he co-founded.

I’m sorry, but I thought sexual harrassment was the whole point of being a movie mogul.

clint greasewood
Member
clint greasewood

The crazy part its being said his brother, who happens to be the co-founder and the one most to gains the one who leaked this to the NYT.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

“It’s always the quiet ones.”

jjfozz
Member

I heard he was very anti semitic

blaxabbath
Member

I love the shock of this. Like, the men who brought you “This is a black guy in a hoodie so you know he’s gonna try to steal her purse” and other wonderful stereotypes the Alt-Right has embraced (apart from the fact that they’ve had leverage over beautiful young women for decades) has someone been perving actresses for all these years? SHOCKING!

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

And Kaepernick too!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

Apparently he took the “Head” part too seriously.

blaxabbath
Member

Al letting us know that they’re kneeling to say a silent prayer, not protest police brutality — which would be offensive.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Fucking shit weasel.

King Hippo
Member

if only there was a signaler of virtue of some sort…

Romonobyl
Member

I’ll still find a way to be offended, dammit!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

“I jus’ knell cuz my balls need to breath, yo”

jjfozz
Member

What does a guy have to do around here to get an onfield pass? Get cancer?!

Whoops, sorry.

King Hippo
Member

the right cancer in the right month

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

Yeah, wear pink in November and Goodell thinks you’re Freddie Mercury

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Have the Chiefs been in a prime time game three weeks in a row now?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

And the season opener. Yeah.

Dunstan
Member
Dunstan

It’s like they’re trying to lure Otto Man out of retirement

jjfozz
Member

In the old days when someone played “the bird is the word” I was probably throwing up and trying to grab some girl’s boobs. NOw, they use it to serve shit on a sub. Fuck you Subway.

jjfozz
Member

Now that’s the spirit! The Trashmen wold be proud

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

And here I am still thinking Grease is hte word.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

If it’s any consolation, I’m now puking and going home with a whore of dubious genitals.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Pittsburgh Rules?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

If she looks like Levon Kirkland take her home

King Hippo
Member

are you aware of cancer yet??

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

I’ve been aware of breasts for a long time, too.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

You know those elaborate driving courses lined with cones? I’ve always wanted to drive around one of those, just scattering cones until none are left standing.

We now return you to the game.

Senor Weaselo
Member

LemonJello Gymkhana? I’d probably watch it.

jjfozz
Member

Fozz household when 0-2 in football this weekend. Guess whose kids aren’t getting any affection until they get themselves turned the fuck around?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Pappa!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

NFL tonight it’s about to happen
When Carrie wears that, Buddy gets to fappin’

Romonobyl
Member

So, we’ll do a shot every time someone posts a K.Hunt pun/joke/comment?

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

That sounds KHuntacular

Senor Weaselo
Member

“And that’s how half of DFO died.”

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Half?

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Guess I’ll be locking up.

Gratliff
Member

Violence in Detroit continues unchecked

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/DLp9GdtU8AA0uki.mp4

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Andy Reid loves Texas. It’s the only place where you can order a whole cow and no one looks at you funny.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Alright. Once more into the breach, dear friends!
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Wakezilla
Member

Hmmmgh! Who on earth os that?

hippofant
Member
hippofant

Post her twin too. It’s only fair.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

I really hated that commercial with the referee in the restaurant making announcements when it first came out, but after seeing it a few thousand times I think I finally get it.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Now I realize that he’s making those announcements because he thinks he is still at his referee job. This is humorous. Before, I thought he was doing that because he was retarded, and I didn’t think it was appropriate to make fun of retarded people.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Isn’t the NFL mocking dementia a bit on-the-nose?

hippofant
Member
hippofant

I hate the whole thing it’s going on implying, you know, that real men, real football fans, they don’t go to hoity-toity restaurants, they just want chicken tenders, tater tots, and nachos.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Oh, no. The brain parasites got to him.

Romonobyl
Member

I’ll start searching for the empty pod.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

Sorry Mr. Agassi, we’ve got other plans.
—- The NRA

Senor Weaselo
Member

“Told you you needed us, Ms. Seles.” -Also the NRA

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

For reference to my earlier comment.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I know her. I mean I don’t “know” her know her. But I know her.

Gratliff
Member

Was looking for the Crucble confession line, but this’ll work too.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hey, know what’s fun? Spending all weekend trying to prevent “Redneck Familocalypse 2017”, and a buncha drunk rednecks make it happen anyway…because drunk rednecks. Forcibly tossing your family out of your house is fun, btw.

Meh, fuck ’em all. If nothing else, this gets me one step closer to getting the hell outta here. I should be happy I suppose.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Once I mentioned to someone that a relative has died and they said they were sorry and my reply was “Well, someone has to be.”

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Blood ain’t family.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

True dat.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

And family isn’t blood.

/nudges closer

WCS
Member

Gratliff
Member

I want to die.

Nobody could have done what I’ve done for #PuertoRico with so little appreciation. So much work! pic.twitter.com/k2jAkIpfjI

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 8, 2017

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

Ugh, grow up, you fucking attention whore.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

That is funny cause if you asked me I would have said that I wanted Trump to die, not you.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

It’s like the “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore” meme. I want to keep living here and rocket the shitty people off into deep space.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

If you were Puerto Rican, you’d get your wish.

litre_cola
Member

Me thinks Don T may have a different opinion.

King Hippo
Member

Remember, DonT was with us the whole time in the clubhouse. Watching FOOTBAW and joshing calmly.

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