Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, 2017

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Even for a sport that prides itself on unpredictability…that shit was weird, man.  I am reminded vividly that I truly know abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

The New York Football Jets are in first place.  No, this is not a drill.  3-2 after a silly, turnover, derp-filled road win v. #ThePauls.  Give them credit for playing the games to the best of their ability.  It’s all you can control.

The Schizo Jaguras went into Yinzburgh and won by three fucking TDs.  Blake Bortles – the winning QB – completed 8 forward passes.  I mean, someone still has to win the AFC North, but I wouldn’t count on the Stillers putting much of a January fright into the P*ts.  The Ben was just hideous, forcing it like even he is not used to forcing it HARF.

Worst QB matchup EVAR?  CasselVANIA! v. Catler.  Somehow, Catler scratched one across late for a 16-10 win.  That game film needs burnin’ post haste.

Shitty Clippers go into Joisey, and thanks to a fortunate series of critical skill position deaths, come away with a 27-22 win.  Elisha and pals are 0-5 and without OBJ for a significant period of time.  It’s time to raise the white flag there.

Guess who’s still alive?  Cam Newton, lighting up the previously stout Detroit defense in a 27-24 win (close thanks only to two late scores).  Don’t look now, but the Panthers could be a dangerous side.  Still no idea why Christian McCaffrey wears panties over his forehead, though.  That’s just creepy, man.

Cincinnati and the Bills played a physical, sloppy game in the rain.  Both QBs got shaken up, but remained in the contest.  Ultimately, the Bungles made the last/most crucial defensing plays to win, 20-16.  They seems back to their normal, cromulent selves.

Arizona, though?  They’re just plain shitty.  It looked at times like they just quit in Philly.  The Iggles are now quietly 4-1, though time will tell if they are truly NFC contenders or not.  Still a skeptic.

The best early game?  Humps and Tomsulas, believe it or not.  Jacoby Brissett and Hoyer Country each easily eclipsed 300 yards, in a back-and-forth affair that went deep into OT before Vinateri won it with a 51-yarder, 26-23.  San Francisco keeps getting close, but can’t close the deal.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! ran out to a 10-zip lead, then fizzled out like a limp, flatulent balloon.  None of this was to Seattle’s credit (in my view), L.A. just chucklefucked it up, losing 16-10.  They still had a chance to win late – despite hideous clock management ahead of the 2:00 warning – but Cooper Kupp dropped it in the end zone with 8 seconds to play.  Que lastima.

Thanks for showing up this week, Oakland.  JESUS.  Balmer just ran train on them for 3 hours solid.  Just brutal.

Dallas almost ran out the clock on a game-winning, clock-chewing TD drive.  Almost.  And with Aaron Rodgers on the opposite sideline, almost ain’t good enough, and he broke Texas’ heart yet again.  Holy shit, is that guy good.

I know I have said this before, but holy Christ the Chefs are boring.  Yes, maybe they are in cruise control for the #1 seed in the AFC, but they are the footbaw equivalent of church potluck jello salad left to fester in the sun all afternoon.  Oh, and JJ Watt is ded again.  So, it wasn’t a complete waste of an evening.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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Doktor ZymmHoratio CornblowerWakezillaSenor Weaseloballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
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Miami’s O-Line coach sounding like an incoherent twat, having a coke habit and misreading a hooker’s intentions of getting more money by giving him the girlfriend experience versus his fantasy idea that she is actually his girlfriend, is exactly why the Dolphins’ O-Line can’t read any formations.


Man, the Cards look like they should be relegated. They looked like a semi-pro team going up against a pro team


When Aaron Rodgers made that Hail Mary pass to beat the Lions in December 2015, I stood in my living room laughing for fifteen minutes straight.

If I was watching last night against the Cowboys, I’d be dead. Or still laughing. Either way, that would’ve been the funniest fucking thing I ever saw in my life.


I was relatively indifferent to Leonard Fournette until I saw this:

comment image




I drafted Fournette in every league I could.

Horatio Cornblower

I noticed.



I think we should start calling the Shitty Clippers the Washington Generals. Cuz at all their games, the crowd is there to watch the other team.


That’s good and I like it but I’m standing by #TARPIT.


I really can’t defend the Raiders, and I’m not even going to let myself get emotional about it – I was yelling so much during the first quarter that my dog (on the other side of the house) got scared and was hiding. I felt terrible. Not going to let that happen again.


Also I’m going to keep insisting that the Chiefs really aren’t all that good until they win the Super Bowl, and will probably continue to keep saying it even then.


After the last few seasons of crushing injuries followed by crushing defeats I’ve also scaled back my intensity level when watching the Vikings. I’m still a fan but it’s not worth the screaming, yelling and high blood pressure.
I’ll save that for attending live games.

Don T

Confirmed: If Matt Cassel falls into a start and there are no TVs to show it, fans still make the “Fuck my life” sound.


Sorry, Andy Reid already ate all of the church potluck jello salad left to fester in the sun all afternoon


Yeah – ARI is a dumpster fire. The team website beatwriter, Darren Urban, handles ridiculous tweets 24/7/365 about this franchise (“Player X just came available, what do you think?”) and he’s known for dropping some pretty sassy responses to dumb questions. Well, after yesterday’s blowout, even blax’s weekly take about trading Fitz to a contender, starting Gabbert (for the sake of Carson Palmer’s daughters who’d probably like to still have a father in six weeks), and tanking the season sounded reasonable. As such, Darren had to find the most ridiculous fan tweet to send out as a reminder that, surely, us fans are overreacting and sitting tight and buying more Cardinals Brand merch is the way to go.


Dolph Ucker
Dolph Ucker

Back in my Air Force days, I remember hearing a Marine Gunny refer to one of his troops as a “fuckbubble.” I’ve used that one a few times.


As has Ciara…


The only genuinely entertaining game yesterday was Dallas – Green Bay. Those were two good teams playing well and one just had to lose.

The rest of the slate…


I wouldn’t go so far as to call the Jets-Browns game good, but it certainly was funny.

Senor Weaselo

Sam Rosen’s remark after the Browns red zone pick was “And the misery continues!” Never have truer words been spoken.

Doktor Zymm

I really enjoy the word ‘chucklefucked’

The ultimate outcome of this season for me would be the Eagles losing to Andy Reid’s Chiefs is the Superb Owl. I actually sorta like Eagles fans, but I can’t think of a more impressive fan-base implosion than what would follow.


I like that except the part about the Chiefs winning the Super Bowl.


But I would think that a better fan base implosion would be if the Patriots finished the season in a three-way tie with the Jets and Bills but missed the playoffs thanks to some fifth-level tiebreaker. And Tom Brady had been hurt (hence the slide) but would have been ready for the wild card game, but ended up retiring instead.

Doktor Zymm

that’s excellent too. Though why not both?