Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, 2017

Even for a sport that prides itself on unpredictability…that shit was weird, man.  I am reminded vividly that I truly know abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

The New York Football Jets are in first place.  No, this is not a drill.  3-2 after a silly, turnover, derp-filled road win v. #ThePauls.  Give them credit for playing the games to the best of their ability.  It’s all you can control.

The Schizo Jaguras went into Yinzburgh and won by three fucking TDs.  Blake Bortles – the winning QB – completed 8 forward passes.  I mean, someone still has to win the AFC North, but I wouldn’t count on the Stillers putting much of a January fright into the P*ts.  The Ben was just hideous, forcing it like even he is not used to forcing it HARF.

Worst QB matchup EVAR?  CasselVANIA! v. Catler.  Somehow, Catler scratched one across late for a 16-10 win.  That game film needs burnin’ post haste.

Shitty Clippers go into Joisey, and thanks to a fortunate series of critical skill position deaths, come away with a 27-22 win.  Elisha and pals are 0-5 and without OBJ for a significant period of time.  It’s time to raise the white flag there.

Guess who’s still alive?  Cam Newton, lighting up the previously stout Detroit defense in a 27-24 win (close thanks only to two late scores).  Don’t look now, but the Panthers could be a dangerous side.  Still no idea why Christian McCaffrey wears panties over his forehead, though.  That’s just creepy, man.

Cincinnati and the Bills played a physical, sloppy game in the rain.  Both QBs got shaken up, but remained in the contest.  Ultimately, the Bungles made the last/most crucial defensing plays to win, 20-16.  They seems back to their normal, cromulent selves.

Arizona, though?  They’re just plain shitty.  It looked at times like they just quit in Philly.  The Iggles are now quietly 4-1, though time will tell if they are truly NFC contenders or not.  Still a skeptic.

The best early game?  Humps and Tomsulas, believe it or not.  Jacoby Brissett and Hoyer Country each easily eclipsed 300 yards, in a back-and-forth affair that went deep into OT before Vinateri won it with a 51-yarder, 26-23.  San Francisco keeps getting close, but can’t close the deal.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! ran out to a 10-zip lead, then fizzled out like a limp, flatulent balloon.  None of this was to Seattle’s credit (in my view), L.A. just chucklefucked it up, losing 16-10.  They still had a chance to win late – despite hideous clock management ahead of the 2:00 warning – but Cooper Kupp dropped it in the end zone with 8 seconds to play.  Que lastima.

Thanks for showing up this week, Oakland.  JESUS.  Balmer just ran train on them for 3 hours solid.  Just brutal.

Dallas almost ran out the clock on a game-winning, clock-chewing TD drive.  Almost.  And with Aaron Rodgers on the opposite sideline, almost ain’t good enough, and he broke Texas’ heart yet again.  Holy shit, is that guy good.

I know I have said this before, but holy Christ the Chefs are boring.  Yes, maybe they are in cruise control for the #1 seed in the AFC, but they are the footbaw equivalent of church potluck jello salad left to fester in the sun all afternoon.  Oh, and JJ Watt is ded again.  So, it wasn’t a complete waste of an evening.