There has been a fair amount of discussion so far this year of what the new name for the football team formerly residing in San Diego should be. To BOLTMAN, they will forever be the Heretics. To many on this site, various combination of Football/Shitty Clippers and LAwnmowers has been thrown around. To me, they have mostly be a cadre of swear words and various suggestions on where Dean Spanos can stick sharp/oversized objects into his person. But after much time and deliberation, there is one thing that stands above all else as the best name for this team. Something synonymous with failure, nepotism and a complete inability blind idiocy to understanding market demands. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the 2017 Bye Week Update for the…
…Los Angeles Edsels!
A quick background for those of you that are not familiar with this piece of historical trivia. The Edsel was a car developed by the Powell Motors Ford Motor Company in the late 1950’s. Named for Henry Ford’s only “legitimate” son, Edsel, the sedan was supposed to be a revolutionary fashionable car priced so that the average American man could afford it. It was developed largely in secret, based on what marketing experts thought people wanted. The strange design scared many consumers away, while also failing to reach an affordable price point for average people to purchase. It survived only 3 years of production. Ford was so determined to make it happen during that time that they ultimately lost $350 million ($2.9 billion in modern terms) and caused the closures of many dealerships throughout the country. The Edsel was dubbed “The wrong car at the wrong time” and saw major reliability issues “ranging from faulty welding to power steering failure.” Ultimately, it was the car that nobody asked for or wanted and couldn’t afford even if they did.
After going 0-4 to start the season, the Edsel’s found themselves almost completely burred in their new, dinky home. Despite losing by less than a score in all but one of those games, two hilarious special teams blunders really continued the tone from the previous year decade and gave them the assumption that they were always in it. So just like that, they found themselves on a 3-game winning streak, with a chance to take a big step forward in the surprisingly mediocre AFC West. And that’s when they made me do the unthinkable: root for the New England Patriots. You apparently find yourself with odd bedfellows when subscribing to the “enemy of my enemy” mindset.
Up until this point, I had maybe seen only a dozen plays run by this team all season. This is a dozen more plays than I wanted. Viewing games or “hate-watching” in any form would bring validation to their existence, and I refused to be a part of it. But this Sunday, it was impossible to escape. Between witnessing the first half on TV and listening to the rest on the radio while driving through the belly of the beast itself, I was angry at how New England allowed them to stay in the game, but eventually realized how detached I was from any actual connection to them. Congrats Dean. Your unbridled greedy billionaire self who thinks he’s owed more has made me borderline passive to something that has been a staple of my life. When Rivers’ final pass ended in an interception, I just muttered, “Heh, good. Fuckers,” and went about driving.
At the Bye, the Edsels are tied at 22nd for points per game with the Denver Broncos; a team without a franchise quarterback or truly serviceable running back, of which the Edsels have both. The defense is what is keeping them anywhere close to their record, allowing an average of 19 points per game and tied with the Ravens at 7th best. Joey Bosa (‘EYYYYYYY) has really come on well despite my various voodoo dolls hopes that he would regress this season as the league adjusted to him. Instead, he and Melvin Ingram have become a rather impressive duo and amount to the most (or close to) combined sacks, hurries and hits on QBs in the league. But the continued special teams play will hurt them in the best possible way.
5-11 was my opening season prediction, and based on their records and schedule at this point, I am going to adjust it only slightly: 6-10. Just enough for them to not be remotely relevant, and plenty to keep them from a top draft pick. I certainly expect them to try and make a bid for either of the two LA JV quarterbacks in this years draft (if they declare,) entirely as a marketing move to try and drum up attendance and relevance from their new smoggy home. My best possible hope is that, with his career’s window looming and no chance to win with this team, Philip Rivers demands a trade after this season and goes somewhere (anywhere!) else to give them a shot at a championship. I’m looking at you, Minnesota! Only then can I have some kind of actual rooting interest in this league that is not centered around the failure of all things Spanoi and the Los Angeles Edsels.