Your “Holy Crap! It’s Week Twelve Already?” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Where did the time go? [looks inside the folds of the sofa] Nope, it’s not there. [eats week-old Cheeto] The Wild Card spots are sorta, kinda, maybe taking a bit of shape. But maybe that dead-in-the-water 4-6 team will win out and sneak in with the help of three different statistically improbable improbabilities! The Raiders could very well beat Real Madrid in week 17 during a midnight game under a full moon in Wichita! I’ve seen it happen before. TO THE GAMES!

TB/Atl: The magic number here is 20. If the Bucs D holds a team under that total they tend to win. For the Falcons the same number scored virtually guarantees a victory. Start rb Coleman again because Freeman is still out.

Cle/Cin: Well looky here, it’s “The Bourble of Ohio”! Celebrate by starting a fire in a steel drum-the hobos will come right out of the woodwork. After that? The canned beans must flow…

Ten/Ind: The Titans haven’t won in Indy since I was in my early 40’s. (I’m almost 75 now) Rb Gore needs just 89 yards to pass Bettis for 6th all-time in rushing. No, he’s not human.

Buf/KC: Shout out to the Bills coaching brain trust! After giving up 34 and 47 points in back-to-back games they came to the conclusion that, “that damn Tyrod Taylor isn’t putting enough points on the board to support our D!”. Good luvin’. Lo and behold, a 5th round rook qb is thrown into the fire and the Chargers feast on the kid. If you’ve got an issue at the wr spot you could do worse than Zay Jones for the Bills. His fellow wr Benjamin is out and wr Matthews and te Clay are both hobbled. Go ahead, roll them dice.

Mia/NE: Another week, another Pats blowout. NFL Excitement, y’all!

Car/NYJ: Te Olsen’s broken foot is finally back from the infirmary which is lovely news given that the Jets can’t cover that position. They’ve given up 6 TD’s there. The Panthers have to be looking over their shoulders as the Falcons seem to have put things back together recently. Carolina will roll.

Chi/Phi: Chicago is about to go through the meat grinder. Speaking of which, have you ever tried bear sausage? I have and it’s not as bad as you’d think. [waits for Seamus to pounce on this]

[ties bow around game intro post] There! We’re all set. Heave-ho, commenters!

 

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King Hippo

Bengals in FG range yet? PLEASE??

Redshirt

Better.

ballsofsteelandfury

I like sarcastic Thom Brenneman

JustStopDude

Fucking announcers.

Clear head shot by the Browns defender on the receiver. Leads with the head, clear shot to the face mask.

“I don’t agree with that call”…

Senor Weaselo

Still not a catch.

Gratliff

C’mon Miami. You can get lucky just once, right?

Redshirt

BLEERGH may have bailed out Hippo. Unknown WR Josh Malone died for his gambling sins.

King Hippo

imagine if he played anywhere else

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sit McCown they said.
It’ll be fine, they said.

Gratliff

Is this the worst Bears game so far? Even the Niners looked better than this.

King Hippo

I’d say this is maximal on both ends of the spectrum.`

Cromarties Innumerous Basterds

“Can you fit in there?” TWSS

ballsofsteelandfury

– tWBS

theeWeeBabySeamus

My gigantic penis likes this +1
/wakes up

Spur

Spray Tan Down!
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Redshirt

Homefield is worth 3.5 points. That means that Vegas thinks the Bengals are 4 points better than an 0-10 team.

Senor Weaselo

In Wichita?

JustStopDude

In defense of Vegas, who the fuck watches Browns games?

I mean besides me…

Redshirt

If money’s involved, Vegas will watch anything.

If they could, they’d put O/U lines of people’s Wedding Nights.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Said Everyone Evar

ballsofsteelandfury

HOT TAEK: The NFL rulebook needs to be simplified just like the tax code!

Viva La Tabula Raza

We should get the Republicans to do it!!!

Redshirt

“After reviewing the play, the pass is complete and the Affordable Care Act is Unconstitutional. Touchdown, Seahawks!”

Shogun Marcus

So only the P*ts and Boys could draft? And only 1 of 10 frags apply to them?

ballsofsteelandfury

Isn’t that already the case?

Spur

We wouldn’t want any Browns to have any say.

Senor Weaselo

Trickle-down football?

Redshirt

“If we favor the Patriots, some playoff wins will trickle down to the other teams.”

Spur

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Spur

What happened to Mariota? He’s still hurt?

Redshirt

This is a $55 extra point for Hippo. And its good.

King Hippo

UGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Redshirt

Uh what’s the spread Hippo?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eagle

King Hippo

7.5

Redshirt

Oh, Hippo. Why?

King Hippo

was small bet, at least

King Hippo

Nooooooooo, Bungles!!

King Hippo

just no more Wentz pointz pleaz

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope that woman dies in a fiery crash in her new Lexus.

Spur

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King Hippo

BLOOD FOAR THE BLOOD GODS

Gratliff

FUMBRE TD IN PHILLY

...

I genuinely believe the rules should not allow forward fumbles to count for scores.

Gratliff

I know that it counts sometimes. I’ve long since given up trying to remember the rule year to year.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Same guy who fumbre’s cannot recover it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Currently, it doesn’t count on 4th down and that’s it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I thought it was a no gainer always if same guy recovers.
I need a new rulebook.

Redshirt

New Proposed Rule: If a forward fumble isn’t recovered by the fumbling player, all yarded gained doesn’t count until the ball is lateraled or handed to fumbling player or until ball is retreated to point of fumble.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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...

Kitty!

Senor Weaselo

The takeback rule?

theeWeeBabySeamus

No one boos BBQ, no one denies this.
-A. Reid

Shogun Marcus

Agreed.
-shogun

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think the Bears are laying low and are gonna come back

Senor Weaselo

“The Jets are looking like a team that wants to play in January.”

That’s not going to happen, Thom Brennaman. We all know that.

Cromarties Innumerous Basterds

He meant golf

Shogun Marcus

Wants/will. Both start with W. Good enough for tv announcing.

Redshirt

Receiver in the area = Receiver in the city limits.

rockingdog

Shit. Ive got Frank Gore on the bench…. grumbles grumbles
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rockingdog

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Senor Weaselo

So they turned it at 24-3? Is there a magic number for that, because 21 doesn’t sound like enough.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s the Bears.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Throw it to Funchess!!!!
/knows Cam is gonna run it in…dick

Cromarties Innumerous Basterds

Whelp, that’s one way to keep ol’ Fetushead off campus… MRSA’s a bitch

...

Line up those toes and call PK: The Schiano Men are assembling!

King Hippo

Is Cincy aware of the Battle FOAR Ohio’s strict “no returns” policy?

Senor Weaselo

Jets hold them on 4th and 2… but an offsides penalty means 1st down. That is correct.

ballsofsteelandfury

EAGLES SWITCH!

Gratliff

Still on in Michigan

ballsofsteelandfury

Weird. They gave us Panthers Jets.

Shogun Marcus

Whoever said it earlier, I concur. Pam Oliver is either running at 33 1/3 instead of her usual 45, or her secret postseason surgery meds have started.

King Hippo

of course, I cut The Drake and the carry splitter gets ded immediately.

Gratliff

Goddammit. I need the version of this with pictures.
http://uproxx.com/ksk/call-of-duty-the-ben-at-war/

Dunstan

I love a good muffed punt. Do we have a deity for muffs? Perhaps Sharon Stone?

ballsofsteelandfury

THIS!!

Petronel

All the Flowers jokes in Foxboro.

Spur

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ballsofsteelandfury

Seriously, did Pam Oliver suffer a stroke? Something is off with her.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Haven’t seen her today.
I thought you were joking before.

Cromarties Innumerous Basterds

I’m guessing that Chris Myers has never cared for a human child

ballsofsteelandfury

He only eats them.

...
King Hippo

One assumes that, by getting pants at home by Vandy and going 0-8 in the SEC, they lost a massive bet.

...

That’s still so funny,

Dunstan

So, has Young Sheldon started saying “BAZINGA!” yet, or are they saving that for sweeps?

rockingdog

My sunday football drinking buddy started saying that during sex with his GF. We had a laugh.

King Hippo

get it to 26-9, Pylons. GAMBLOR doesn’t like leaving the back door ajar…

Redshirt

(laughing) Like they know how to play with a lead.

King Hippo

only v. #ThePauls

Cromarties Innumerous Basterds

McClown called his shot

Redshirt

Nice to know AJ Green is still good a football.

rockingdog

Oh My! What a catch.
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Shogun Marcus

Schiano to coach the Vols! Hide your balls men!

King Hippo

oh dear GOD, Vols…