Where did the time go? [looks inside the folds of the sofa] Nope, it’s not there. [eats week-old Cheeto] The Wild Card spots are sorta, kinda, maybe taking a bit of shape. But maybe that dead-in-the-water 4-6 team will win out and sneak in with the help of three different statistically improbable improbabilities! The Raiders could very well beat Real Madrid in week 17 during a midnight game under a full moon in Wichita! I’ve seen it happen before. TO THE GAMES!
TB/Atl: The magic number here is 20. If the Bucs D holds a team under that total they tend to win. For the Falcons the same number scored virtually guarantees a victory. Start rb Coleman again because Freeman is still out.
Cle/Cin: Well looky here, it’s “The Bourble of Ohio”! Celebrate by starting a fire in a steel drum-the hobos will come right out of the woodwork. After that? The canned beans must flow…
Ten/Ind: The Titans haven’t won in Indy since I was in my early 40’s. (I’m almost 75 now) Rb Gore needs just 89 yards to pass Bettis for 6th all-time in rushing. No, he’s not human.
Buf/KC: Shout out to the Bills coaching brain trust! After giving up 34 and 47 points in back-to-back games they came to the conclusion that, “that damn Tyrod Taylor isn’t putting enough points on the board to support our D!”. Good luvin’. Lo and behold, a 5th round rook qb is thrown into the fire and the Chargers feast on the kid. If you’ve got an issue at the wr spot you could do worse than Zay Jones for the Bills. His fellow wr Benjamin is out and wr Matthews and te Clay are both hobbled. Go ahead, roll them dice.
Mia/NE: Another week, another Pats blowout. NFL Excitement, y’all!
Car/NYJ: Te Olsen’s broken foot is finally back from the infirmary which is lovely news given that the Jets can’t cover that position. They’ve given up 6 TD’s there. The Panthers have to be looking over their shoulders as the Falcons seem to have put things back together recently. Carolina will roll.
Chi/Phi: Chicago is about to go through the meat grinder. Speaking of which, have you ever tried bear sausage? I have and it’s not as bad as you’d think. [waits for Seamus to pounce on this]
[ties bow around game intro post] There! We’re all set. Heave-ho, commenters!
Andersondown!
Sure, sit Robby Anderson they said.
It’ll be fine they said.
grumble grumble
LOL Jimmy Haslem went over to say Hi! to QB AJ McCarron before game.
I heard it was actually about 1 minute after the game started and htey weren’t able to talk.
I never want to see this Eagles team punt again.
how about letting the QB take many unnecessary hits in a laugher game?
It’s the NFL way
Good observation. That is kind of disconcerting…..
I’m taking the dog for a walk because I was splitting wood this morning and I just now have enough feeling back in my hand to hold the leash.
OK, at least ONE of those HAS to be a euphemism.
Sadly that post was euphemism-free.
“splitting wood’ is also what Kellen Winslow calls it when he parks his car at big box retailers around the country
Looks like I’m shopping for a new defense next week. Again.
[looks to his left and right]
“Me?”
Buff D is too stupid for their own good.
They’re letting Steve Harvey host Miss Universe again? Why?
Wut?
The Browns should charge opposing teams to play against them.
In a slump? Play the Browns.
Need to break in a new QB? Play the Browns.
Want a guarantee road victory? Play the Browns.
they are the NFL’s version of the MAC
Less than an hour to Akron.
They would be the Homecoming game in college football.
Bills Kicker moved to Purgatory
Good. I’m glad when sports players move to their team’s city.
As far as throwing the ball away when under pressure, Tyrod Taylor is the dumbest fuck of all time.
“Throwing the ball away? You mean, like, to the other team?” -N. Peterman
McCain DQ’d. (Not a repeat from 2008)
MCCain crashing (no a repeat from 1967)
Settle a bar dispute and rank Mara daughters
Kate and only Kate.
“Incredibly thin upper lip-as a long term girlfriend that’s just not going to get it done.”
-A Dude
But Rooney is better positioned to inherit both grandparents’ fortunes.
I’m all in on Rooney
Looks or acting ability?
Come on, do you have to ask?
Personal preference, but I think they both have more acting ability than looks. Not my cup of tea.
One Night Stand: Rooney
Girlfriend: Kate
This reminds me of the KSK one with Ben post-rape going on a date with the Cowher daughters, including the bald daughter with a mustache and broad shoulders. Wish I could remember which one that was.
“Wish I could remember which one that was.”
Bill. It was Bill.
http://uproxx.com/webculture/the-unabriged-sextown-diaries/
Ah yes, here we go.
I think Kate would talk too much and enjoyed Rooney in Carol. Also I’m drunk.
My only regret in life is that I cannot run a sports book that takes wagers on insane MAGA theories.
Missing the I on the bottom of that shirt
“Wilson scores the TD for KC! Wilson? I had five gorilla noises on Hunt!”
-Tim Allen
Brady threw a pick? That means Andy Dalton has the longest active streaks of attempted passes without an interception.
/ reaches for Bible and gun
/ runs to Armageddon Bunker
The sight of Marvin Lewis makes me say bad words.
One for the ladies, Rodgers and 1 out of every 10 DFOer
That’s how fires get started…in my pants!
Give it up.
He could never fit in your locker.
Which part(s)?
Enough fucking around, it’s Dontrelle Inman time.
/Drinks bleach
you guys make a 1st down yet?
Just now.
MAYBE
Does Pam Oliver seem a little… slow? I swear I’ve heard her speak faster before. Is she ok?
What I SHOULD have done is bench that worthless KHunt for Tevin Coleman.
TD still not Green!
Anyone but me picture the dude in the light up Raiders sweater as RTD?
Me too.
Guilty
Gain of the first half sponsored by “GAIN”.
“Good stuff! Can we do a thing where someone is hit over the head with a hammer?”
-Arm and Hammer
“That excellent pass protection is brought to your by your friends at Trojan Condoms. Don’t let a free runner ruin your day.”
How good does the game have to be for me not to leave at the half?
c’mon, you need the FULL Black Hole experience. Especially if you have the temerity to mildly root FOAR the horsey side.
I’ll probably just root for good plays, though the Raiders fans on the train so far seem pretty nice
Are ya wearing black?
You may want to leave by the middle of the second quarter.
I had a great time at the RRRRaider game. I did purchase black hole tickets and was offered numerous narcotics while there.
I stayed for three quarters in Week 1 of the Bengals opening clunker and I had 12th row endzone seats.
Use that as a reference.
Litre and I each gonna go for around 130 in DFO ball. Probably 1-2 in scoring this week, one of us will lose (he has Wentz, Shitty Clippers D, I has Julio)
Yep, story of my season.
I almost talked myself into benching Julio, am so mad at him/ATL’s playcalling. Started Coleman in money league instead
Gary Coleman?
whatchu talkin’ bout, Litre??
I’m only .5 back.
Tryptophan kicking in. Can’t sleep. 2nd half starting…
Every other game that Fox is broadcasting is currently closer than the CHI/PHI game. interesting to see if they switch over after halftime.
That’s what I was thinking. Maybe @ the end of 3rd quarter?
I think one more Eagle TD, 31-0, then switch.
Thanks for the reminder I’m stuck with it even as it speeds past 90’s Super Bowl blowout.
half time
Thanks to having kids I’m pretty sure that this is from an episode of a Nickelodeon show where the kids were stuck in an overheating room.
A. Nickelodeon. Show.
So she’s around 21! Whoo-hoo!
if you search the photo you’ll see she was on a Denis Leary show, (you know, the one where he played the abrasive guy with a drug/alcohol problem and trouble relating to his family?), and I don’t think anyone under 21 is allowed on those sets.
Unless they’re carrying notes from old Bill Hicks routines.
Oh THAT one! Didja know the guy that made House has a show? It’s about a…Doctor! Who has people skill problems!
With a youngster, I was forced to deal with iCarly and there was some super questionable shit right there
If I remember from the Warming Glow days the guy in charge of both of those shows had a reputation for pushing all sorts of envelopes.
I, however, am a terrible parent so my kids watched both shows while I made terrible comments about them. And by ‘them’ I mean both my children and the shows.
See kids like tittes too.
She seems distressed. I SHALL AID YOU!
I don’t think Matt Moore is a very good QB, you guys.
It’s only when he comes into a game that Catler starts, when he looks good by comparison.
Jimmy Haslam buys an airline…
/insert gif of Eagle dropping a Fox into a ravine
Having trouble finding that one… errrrr
What’s the deal with these KPop groups? It seems to me to be basically indentured servitude with a splash of sexaul abuse. I can never tell how old Asian women are, i take these girls are 16 years young when they get started.
Isn’t that all girl and boy bands?
I don’t think it’s any different from the child stars here, there just happen to be way more of them
16? Like em old do ya?
“Goddamnit, one time I thought one was 15 and it turned out she was actually 18!” — R. Moore
Ring Ring!
Hey Alex Smith its me Brett. What happened man? You looked great those first few games. Now you gotta tap back into that Gunslinger mentality and start whipping it around. Kelce looks open alot so make it happen. Hill is really fast! I believe in you buddy!
Yee Haw!
4.5″ and a cloud of, well, let’s just call it “dust” and get out of here.
He get some kind of operation for that extra .5?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTDnEUIRYw0
I wonder if coaches hide their mouths when they’re talking to their families over dinner.
Eagles be good y’all.
YUP. Minny will be a good test. Perhaps NO. They have JUST a tad too much for RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!….this year.
That is both disturbing and amazing.
Purdy
Bills Kicker has been upgraded to limbo for good behavior
What a catch by Robby Anderson. Trap game for CAR w/ @NO up next.
Throw it to Ertz again.
You shut your whore mouth.
That was in my 20’s and 30’s a man can change!
Dolphins INT whilst in scoring position: The Chrome Plated Megaphone of Destiny.
Update : so it turns out there is Sunday service on my line, it’s just horribly fragmented and they don’t bother posting anything like a schedule or a goddamn notice that they don’t run direct trains, but you can piece together like, 3 segments and actually get somewhere. Even Google maps is unaware of this. The upshot is that I actually can go to the Raiders game, since I was able to drop stuff off in my car and actually can take stupid BART to the Coliseum after all.
It’s a holiday miracle!
No offense, but that seems like an awful lot of effort for a Raiders game. I don’t think even RTD would go to that level of effort.
That was to get to my car, which I would have to do no mater what. And I didn’t actually figure that out until now, after already taking a Lyft to my car.
Say HAI to Swag Kelly for Hippo (if he’s there, dunno if IR guys travel with team). And of course, DONKS WOO!!!
HOLY SHIT, Hauschka!!! 56 with a metric fuckton to spare, in KC. That’s no small feat.
Don’t you mean small feet….
Catler-esque
Jets are sneaky trying to win the game…. Huh????
Parcells still around?
Trump ambassador to Japan?
Who feels extra depressed today?
i have to work tomorrow, so yes.
same, and may have to drive my oldest back to ECU early in am, as well. BLECH
Aftermath of the football coma will be such a letdown.
Alex Smith
Not me. Then again, I haven’t worn pants since Thursday.
Extra?
Probably no.
Rough Thanksgiving?
just pre-emptively mourning football coma
Not starting Robby Anderson is looking smrt too, huh?