Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)
- Gravy Boat Ruins Derby Day (Also Whiny Baby German Elton John) – April 7, 2018
- World Gawne Mad – Finale Edition – April 2, 2018
- World Gawne Mad – Final Four Holy Night Edition – March 31, 2018
I hope everyone enjoyed the wonder that is football, the perfect escape from the foul clutches of family. On to the most Monday of Mondays.
Shit, those late fixtures were pretty good, eh? RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!, urged on by a screaming, packed house was able to turn back the Saints, 26-20. Aided in large part by a gunshy Sean Payton kicking FGs inside the LA 5 (down 13 with 9 minutes or so to play), then punting on the ensuing drive. They still worked into onside kick position at 1:45, but big whoop.
Keeping pace in the NFC West race, the SeaTruthers clamped down on defense with their spit, chewing gum, and bailing wire. I mean, it was only the Fightin’ Tomsulas, but in Santa Clara with all the makings of a trap game to me. Janine Garafalo replaced a very ded CJ Cregg on the last drive, and got a garbage time TD on the very last snap. Congrats!
Who doesn’t love a good rivalry fight? Aqib “Two of the Good Ones” Talib sure does, re-kindling the rivalry fires by ripping off Michael Crabtree’s gold chain (apparently a redux occurrence) and removing two Oakland starters from the game (Crabtree and an offensive guard who pushed a ref) with him. Alas, this trade was not enough to ensure victory, with pre-Vegas building a 3-score lead then holding on to win 21-14. Trevor Siemian directed both scoring drives in place of a very ded and very awful, weepy QuarterPax.
Even Week Jaguras did what they do. The Flow arranged for a 57-yard game winning FG, to send AZ to 5-6 and Los Titanicos to 1st place.
That’s right, Puerto Rico’s pride and joy went into the Gravy Boat and came out smelling like a rose, 20-16 victors. Red Zone showed like 8 plays from this, so one can assume it was about as aesthetically pleasing as the usual 4-point TN win.
Speaking of ugly, anybody catch a chunk of the Chefs this week? Same as last go-round, just liquid shit everywhere. One week after getting butt-hammered by 30 at the hands of the Shitty Clippers, Buffalo beats first place and by default still likely AFC West champion Kansas City 16-10. In Kansas City, no less.
The Battle FOAR Ohio? Sorry Marvin, you break it, you buy it. Striped Pylons by 14. #ThePauls are still just kinda there.
Miami got a hilarious TD off a long, errant shotgun snap that by all rights should have also got Dreamboat killed. But Satan’s protective shield was too strong, yet again. 35-17, P*ts.
How Jets is this? The Panthers won 35-27, even covering the spread, with Cam Newton completing 11 forward passes (7 to Bunches of Funchesses). That just should not happen in a professional footy contest. New York featured a drive with a first and goal from the 1 with 3 incomplete passes before a field goal. You try and explain that.
Atlanta finally threw the ball to Julio Jones and scored 34 points. Res ipsa loquitor.
Philly violated several articles of the Geneva Conventions in its 31-3 defenestration of the Bearistocrats, including back-to-back Electric Slides on Chi****’s final offensive drive. Just wow.
Sometimes the Yinzers play down to the competition. Sometimes, they just beat the shit out of people. Let’s just say The Ben and Friends opted for Door #1 tonight. But then Cap’n Bluebunny (h/t Shogun Marcus) had to go and try a 57-yard FG in Stade de Ketchup which got Al Michaels all rightfully huffy and flipped the game on its head. What a maroon.