I hope everyone enjoyed the wonder that is football, the perfect escape from the foul clutches of family. On to the most Monday of Mondays.
Shit, those late fixtures were pretty good, eh? RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!, urged on by a screaming, packed house was able to turn back the Saints, 26-20. Aided in large part by a gunshy Sean Payton kicking FGs inside the LA 5 (down 13 with 9 minutes or so to play), then punting on the ensuing drive. They still worked into onside kick position at 1:45, but big whoop.
Keeping pace in the NFC West race, the SeaTruthers clamped down on defense with their spit, chewing gum, and bailing wire. I mean, it was only the Fightin’ Tomsulas, but in Santa Clara with all the makings of a trap game to me. Janine Garafalo replaced a very ded CJ Cregg on the last drive, and got a garbage time TD on the very last snap. Congrats!
Who doesn’t love a good rivalry fight? Aqib “Two of the Good Ones” Talib sure does, re-kindling the rivalry fires by ripping off Michael Crabtree’s gold chain (apparently a redux occurrence) and removing two Oakland starters from the game (Crabtree and an offensive guard who pushed a ref) with him. Alas, this trade was not enough to ensure victory, with pre-Vegas building a 3-score lead then holding on to win 21-14. Trevor Siemian directed both scoring drives in place of a very ded and very awful, weepy QuarterPax.
Even Week Jaguras did what they do. The Flow arranged for a 57-yard game winning FG, to send AZ to 5-6 and Los Titanicos to 1st place.
That’s right, Puerto Rico’s pride and joy went into the Gravy Boat and came out smelling like a rose, 20-16 victors. Red Zone showed like 8 plays from this, so one can assume it was about as aesthetically pleasing as the usual 4-point TN win.
Speaking of ugly, anybody catch a chunk of the Chefs this week? Same as last go-round, just liquid shit everywhere. One week after getting butt-hammered by 30 at the hands of the Shitty Clippers, Buffalo beats first place and by default still likely AFC West champion Kansas City 16-10. In Kansas City, no less.
The Battle FOAR Ohio? Sorry Marvin, you break it, you buy it. Striped Pylons by 14. #ThePauls are still just kinda there.
Miami got a hilarious TD off a long, errant shotgun snap that by all rights should have also got Dreamboat killed. But Satan’s protective shield was too strong, yet again. 35-17, P*ts.
How Jets is this? The Panthers won 35-27, even covering the spread, with Cam Newton completing 11 forward passes (7 to Bunches of Funchesses). That just should not happen in a professional footy contest. New York featured a drive with a first and goal from the 1 with 3 incomplete passes before a field goal. You try and explain that.
Atlanta finally threw the ball to Julio Jones and scored 34 points. Res ipsa loquitor.
Philly violated several articles of the Geneva Conventions in its 31-3 defenestration of the Bearistocrats, including back-to-back Electric Slides on Chi****’s final offensive drive. Just wow.
Sometimes the Yinzers play down to the competition. Sometimes, they just beat the shit out of people. Let’s just say The Ben and Friends opted for Door #1 tonight. But then Cap’n Bluebunny (h/t Shogun Marcus) had to go and try a 57-yard FG in Stade de Ketchup which got Al Michaels all rightfully huffy and flipped the game on its head. What a maroon.
So Paxton Lynch is going to be sent to the glue factory, right? Or is Elway convinced that P-Limp is the only non-sawft player on his team. He thinks Von Miller is soft because he wears glasses like a nerd and uses sissy smelling body wash.
He cries like a man.
Off topic but it is SERIOUSLY disturbing the way eggs make little tweeting noises as the gas escapes them when you are hard-boiling them.
“Eggs? TOO OLD!”
-Roy Moore
That’s the fetus admitting defeat.
Eggs have a way of shutting things down if they’re being legitimately boiled.
If nothing else, this week has shown me that I’m dumber than I thought.
I keep thinking that’s not possible, and I keep getting proven wrong.
But self-awareness is wonderful thing.
Fortunately, I now find it funny every time I realize how much dumber I am than I already thought. By Christmas, I expect to be the jolliest asshole this side of the nuthouse (or since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fuckin’ Kaye…either works).
(don’t piss me off, balls)
😀
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXkMaZz5Mo8
Cheer up, chap!
Oh, I’m just being silly. I’m perfectly cheery. Well, cheery enough.
But she helps, yes.
One of my absolute favorite comment trees at KSK (second only to the “glaze up, son” one) was when we found Monopoly cards applicable to players and franchises. I’m thrilled that Paxton Lynch has finally entered that pantheon.
Was this Cincinnati?
Only Jerry Richardson would dare risk buying the lots of any colored group.
Could do one for Crabtree as well:
Sheldon Richardson
The backdoor cover by the Tits is clearly work from a voodoo dr in Puerto Rico. Thanks don T!
I thought a backdoor cover was when the underdog scores some meaningless points near the end to cover the spread (but not win the game).
I thought it was when you’re at a party at Buddy Cole’s house and someone breaks down the bedroom door to attack you with a plunger
PIMP IN DISTRESS!
I actually watched that car crash. The Humps had no reason to lose that gamr yet the fumbre to lose was excellent. I agree wasnt a backdoor cover but the phrase seemed apt as the Tits had no right to win that game.
¡Ashé!
Too much caffeine and a shitty sleep schedule. I’ve been trying to sleep all night and I want to just die now.
NAWT a good headline for the equine GM and his quarterpax: https://sports.yahoo.com/paxton-lynch-struggles-gets-hurt-ends-day-crying-bench-235531021.html
That URL certainly paints a picture, though.
In a just world, the 3rd qtr JAX lead, 17-16, would have been too much for ARI to overcome. But since it was an absolutely meaningless game that includes a bunch of rookies “getting a look” and an extended Blaine Gabbert audition — PF COUrSe Phil Dawson would kick his longest field goal as perfectly as Gabbert’s quaff.
ARI holds in 3rd in the West, danages their draft stock, and now Bidwill is crunching the numbers on how much he can save by going with Gabbert on a long term deal instead of worrying about winning seasons over the next decade.
Oh hey, St. Louis from 35 years ago says hi!
Don’t worry. He’ll fuck up the math because I’ve met him and he’s an idiot.
You’ve met Bidwill?!? That’s gotta be a post…
Not really. Other than slipping and mentioning $2 billion in 2004 but I cannot remember exactly what that was but it’s the NFL and so that’s whatever the worst thing you can attribute it to.
WOOOOO
/hacking cough
Oo.
No TV and The Worst Internet? Pfft. I spent a solid hour going Airplane Mode Off / On / Refresh for the Clots game and Birdcano’s win. And wadda ya know? Derrick Henry can ball. DeMarco was team MVP last year and, for my taste, nobody looks better in a football uniform. But enough! FEED EL TRACTORCITO FOR GODSAKE!!1! Yeah, they’ve been calling Henry that for some time. Bello.
Oh! And it seems that Tits fans are as angry as the rest ‘cause TEN is paper tigerish and shit. Me?
Maybe someone should remind Congress why there are bullet holes in the wall around the roll call display. Or not. The surprise would be way funnier.
✊???
They’re speed holes, they make the roll go faster.
The best part of KC/OAK was Kevin Harlan. That guy should be some network’s #1 and should be calling Super Bowls.
Kevin Harlan really is awesome. It’s a shame he’s stuck on radio but we probably should just enjoy the fact we have him at all.
You’ve just doomed him to AM radio forever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjg39XRkjVc